How to deal with people who put you down?

[writergal]

This is something that I will do now, if I can detach in the way that Taramere described.

 

"Why do you need to believe that?

"Why do you need for me to believe that? Why do you feel the need to upset me in this way?"

 

Just choose sides. That's easier.

[Anela]

Just choose sides. That's easier.

 

I'm not talking about choosing sides. I'm talking about when I'm being personally attacked. I've said both things to my sister.

[durentu]

Maybe it was partly true, but still it wasn't nice to say.

And I had one teacher who called me stupid etc....or some vulgar words, but this example above was just right on my mind.

 

"In the animal kingdom, the rule is eat or be eaten.

In the human kingdom, the rule is define, or be defined" - thomas szasz

 

If you don't create your own identity, if you don't know who you are, others are more than willing to define you for you. And those that do, would rather define you under them, rather than above or even equal.

 

"sticks and stones, love"

[writergal]

I'm not talking about choosing sides. I'm talking about when I'm being personally attacked. I've said both things to my sister.

 

Oh. I wasn't sure what context you meant. Have you tried to ignore her when she antagonizes you? Maybe try doing that and see what happens.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Yes! I've been there. He would call me things like "honey" and "sweetheart", talking down to me. I responded by saying what I wanted to say in response, using similar precious terms in the same patronizing way that he'd used them, and it pissed him off.

 

I do the same thing Anela when people condsendingly use patronizing terms with me. I get extra sweet and say thinks like "sugar muffin" and "honey nut". Which makes them take a double look at me and they don't really know how to respond.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

In my life I have met a few people who put me down for no reason. I have never known how to react right or what to answer. I am usually quiet or I become angry, or I am sorry. These three things are completely wrong, because those people humiliated me even more. It was my ex, my fa, some of my teachers and a few "friends" around me. It is almost impossible not to meet them and I know I will probably meet these kind of people again.

What to answer or what to do when I have to talk to them?

 

Coffee, aside from really liking Tara's advice, when people put you down, the situations are unique and sometimes require unique ways to deal with them. I have gotten a lot of stuff dished out to me in real life and online. I have learned that you always believe in yourself first. If someone wants to accuse you of a legimate weakness and is using it to put you down or exploit you, simply own it. It takes the power out of what they are trying to say about you out. And since we all got weakness it makes THEM look bad.

 

Having small breasts DOESN"T apply to this though. Your ex was a douche for all those breast comments. Although in that case you could messed with him and started talkign about the size of his penis. Sometimes it helps when you put things in perspective for the other person. Like ask him if he would like it if you were saying the same things about his penis that he was saying about your breasts. Try to place that person in your shoes.

 

If someone calls you a name just give them a confident secret "I know something you don't smile" and shake your head in disappointment at them. Them calling you a name is their problem, not yours. If someone tries to bully you, straigthen your back, square your shoulders and stare them down.

 

It just sounds like you need to take a little more steps in standing up for yourself. You don't have to go all full fledged Rambo, but feeling more confident in yourself will enable you to not take other people's nonsense. Don't let their nonsense and issues question yourself. Be strong in yourself and you won't have to prove yourself to anyone.

[Coffee20]

Coffee, aside from really liking Tara's advice, when people put you down, the situations are unique and sometimes require unique ways to deal with them. I have gotten a lot of stuff dished out to me in real life and online. I have learned that you always believe in yourself first. If someone wants to accuse you of a legimate weakness and is using it to put you down or exploit you, simply own it. It takes the power out of what they are trying to say about you out. And since we all got weakness it makes THEM look bad.

 

Having small breasts DOESN"T apply to this though. Your ex was a douche for all those breast comments. Although in that case you could messed with him and started talkign about the size of his penis. Sometimes it helps when you put things in perspective for the other person. Like ask him if he would like it if you were saying the same things about his penis that he was saying about your breasts. Try to place that person in your shoes.

 

If someone calls you a name just give them a confident secret "I know something you don't smile" and shake your head in disappointment at them. Them calling you a name is their problem, not yours. If someone tries to bully you, straigthen your back, square your shoulders and stare them down.

 

It just sounds like you need to take a little more steps in standing up for yourself. You don't have to go all full fledged Rambo, but feeling more confident in yourself will enable you to not take other people's nonsense. Don't let their nonsense and issues question yourself. Be strong in yourself and you won't have to prove yourself to anyone.

 

thank you!

I know I should tell him something back and I was thinking about it when he was talking, I knew his weak points but I was so in love with him I decided I wouldn't hurt him. Of course I regret now. I replayed many situations with him, when I knew what to say and how to react, it also means I would probably never be with him.

When I was with him I thought I was put in blame, I thought these are my mistakes that I should improve. But how could I get bigger breast? And also other things he "didn't like". I think now it was a game from him, he knew I would mind, I would be angry and then I would be sorry. He liked it, so he did it more and more often. When I didn't react like he wanted, he started to talk about the same thing again later, like he was calling for drama, or simply he wanted some dramatic reaction from me.

When I am away from him, I am completely satisfied with my breast, I think there is nothing wrong with it. But I worry some other joker will come and put me in the same shoes I was before.

[Taramere]

"In the animal kingdom, the rule is eat or be eaten.

In the human kingdom, the rule is define, or be defined" - thomas szasz

 

If you don't create your own identity, if you don't know who you are, others are more than willing to define you for you. And those that do, would rather define you under them, rather than above or even equal.

 

"sticks and stones, love"

 

I think that's true. My concern about quotes like that, I suppose, is that they don't necessarily provide any concrete guidance. First of all, what does "knowing who you are" actually mean? Does it mean you have a fixed sense of your strengths and weaknesses and aren't open to any external perceptions that conflict with that fixed sense? This is who I am...this is who others should perceive me as - and if they don't then the are wrong!"?

 

If somebody took that quote and interpreted it in that way, it could result in them having energy-wasting disputes and power struggles with others who refuse to see them the way they see themselves. I do agree that the stronger your sense of self, the less other people's unflattering perceptions will impact on you. However, sometimes there can be important lessons to be learned from other people's unflattering perceptions. Which is where the internal conflicts step in for most people.

 

The one I most commonly get (and always have got) is "away with the fairies....lives in a dreamworld....off in a world of her own" (school reports). All my life I've felt this was very unfair because, for instance, I have an excellent memory for conversations which I think shows that I am in fact very switched on and paying attention to what's going on. Recently my brother and sister-in-law both delivered that assessment of me, in the context of complaining about various family members. "There's nothing vindictive about you, but you just live in your own little world." I was offended, but because it's a criticism I've heard many, many times before I know it's how a lot of people see me.

 

I booked a tennis lesson and it demonstrated very starkly to me that they were right. While I'd have moments of very strong focus, a lot of the time I was quite literally not on the ball. When I focus, I really focus....but in between those intense periods of focusing I'm just away with it. Or I'm so focused on one thing that I'm absolutely oblivious to everything else that's going on around.

 

In a PR driven world it's impressed on us that we have to constantly market ourselves to the world as all these impressive things. It can be hard to admit to ourselves (and hear from others) the ways in which we are in fact falling below par....especially when we see that a lot of people get ahead because they've excelled at the art of self promotion and refusing to admit to any weakness - even if they haven't excelled in any other area.

 

Critics and putdown merchants can serve a purpose. They can let us know some of the weaknesses in the way we come across to others, and they can also let us know which types of people are likely to be least impressed/most hostile to us. Beyond letting us know those things, they're not generally all that helpful. A very critical person is unlikely to be of assistance when it comes to helping others move towards certain goals. Not least because critics and put down merchants are often highly competitive in a very negative way (ie wanting to win by psyching others into losing confidence and underperforming rather than wanting to win by excelling themselves).

 

So to coffee...if some of your critics are people who tend towards that undermining attitude but you really don't want to eliminate from your life (eg family members, people you've known for decades) perhaps it's a case of reframing them in your mind. "This person can be helpful in showing me where I'm going wrong, but they aren't necessarily helpful beyond that preliminary stage."

 

In the case of the ex, though, who told you you should get your boobs done...in that context he's not telling you anything that could be of use to you, unless it's an ambition of yours to conform to the image of women that porn and lads' mags present. To resort to plastic surgery in an effort to conform to that image would be to lose an important aspect of your identity (ie your natural appearance). If you did it because you really wanted to, and because you feel it would reflect the person you feel yourself to be at the very core, then at least in getting your boobs done you would have ownership over that decision. If you did it because he implied "this is who I think you should be" then you allow a part of that shallow and ignorant man to replace a part of who you really are. Not the best route to having a strong, happy sense of self I shouldn't think.

 

Whether you want to continue to have him in your life is entirely up to you, but if having him in your life means you're going to let him influence who you should be, how you see yourself and what choices you make...then it's hard to see how you'll begin to build up your confidence and develop that sense of self to the point where maliciously intended, unconstructive putdowns are something you can just shrug off..

Edited August 4, 2012 by Taramere

[betterdeal]

Punch 'em on the nose. Short and to the point.

[Coffee20]

So to coffee...if some of your critics are people who tend towards that undermining attitude but you really don't want to eliminate from your life (eg family members, people you've known for decades) perhaps it's a case of reframing them in your mind. "This person can be helpful in showing me where I'm going wrong, but they aren't necessarily helpful beyond that preliminary stage."

 

In the case of the ex, though, who told you you should get your boobs done...in that context he's not telling you anything that could be of use to you, unless it's an ambition of yours to conform to the image of women that porn and lads' mags present. To resort to plastic surgery in an effort to conform to that image would be to lose an important aspect of your identity (ie your natural appearance). If you did it because you really wanted to, and because you feel it would reflect the person you feel yourself to be at the very core, then at least in getting your boobs done you would have ownership over that decision. If you did it because he implied "this is who I think you should be" then you allow a part of that shallow and ignorant man to replace a part of who you really are. Not the best route to having a strong, happy sense of self I shouldn't think.

 

Whether you want to continue to have him in your life is entirely up to you, but if having him in your life means you're going to let him influence who you should be, how you see yourself and what choices you make...then it's hard to see how you'll begin to build up your confidence and develop that sense of self to the point where maliciously intended, unconstructive putdowns are something you can just shrug off..

 

Thank you, I do understand what you mean well, and I agree with those sentences you quoted.

And I have the same moments when I play tennis !

 

I don't really mind criticism at all. I just mean sentences like "you are so ugly that you should kill yourself" - yes I heard this

or "you are so stupid why are you going to this school?"

 

I can say that I like criticism that can be helpful and I am sure I can distinguish between criticism and teasing and humiliating.

 

In that case of my ex, we broke up or I broke up, because the situation started to be untolerable. When he left for one week, I was slowly realizing that this once very innocent situation is going to end very badly for me.

I had my identity made up before him, but the picture of myself was so weak that it could be destroyed very easily. From the beginning he told me silly little things and I didn't take them very seriously at first. But just from the beginning he didn't want to spend time with me, talked a lot about other girls, who looked opposite to me, or he didn't want to do any activity, or he went out with others or I wasn't invited anywhere. I started to find mistakes in me and I started to focus on his words. But his words were very messy, he changed his mind quickly. He wanted this and then that? He wanted in girl this and then that. He liked this type and then another type.

 

I showed him that I am weak, I started to ask (what should I change to make you excited - he didn't want to sleep with me, what should I change for you so you will take me out with your girl - friends? why aren't you attracted to me?). He of course noticed and since this time, he put me down. Firstly he put down all my hobbies. It could be just ok if he told me, that he didn't like them. But he told me that they were ugly and boring and he would simply felt stupid to do my hobbies...., (he called reading books stupid activity, my piano playing awful thing and helping other people?? oh god who would do something for free....). So I wanted to get into his hobbies. But I wasn't invited. I asked many times why can't I go to party with him. There was no answer. I asked many times what should I do to make him sleep with me.

 

It got worse,

another from his sentences:

"You should be happy that you have at least me, you will never find anyone better."

"You don't deserve to have sex with me."

"You would deserve sex with me if you would be more passionate,"

"I don't need you at all."

"When I realized I can't have pretty girls, I decided to be with you."

"Your best friends are bad people."

"Your best friend is a bitch."

"Your friends are manipulative and they try to turn you against me." - again it wasn't true...

- he didn't know them, yes they met, but how can he know them from 1 hour talking that well???

 

I fall into pieces almost. I didn't know who I am. And once I heard on this forum from one of the member, I started to be his bad copy.

[Coffee20]

and another thing, he really defined me

I changed my hair because of him

I completely changed my clothing because of him

I started to listen to his music and watching his films, because he didn't like mine

I let him to decide about my time - when he had time, I had to have too...cause otherwise he would go angry

I almost let him to decide who I should talk to, I stopped talking to a lot of people

 

of course it didn't work opposite

 

hm as I write it I sound like a very stupid person :/

[freestyle]

 

 

hm as I write it I sound like a very stupid person :/

 

 

 

 

Please don't think that .

 

If you begin to believe that, then you're actually doing the abuser's work for them.

 

 

You sounds like a person who was subjected to a lot of verbal abuse.

When it comes from someone who you expect to care about you, it can cut all the deeper.

 

 

The barrage of put-downs that your bf inflicted on you was about HIM.

 

NOT about you.

 

When someone continually criticizes, and fault-finds, and nitpicks at you, they're NOT trying to help you, they're boosting their own ego by stepping on yours.

 

As if blowing out your candle will make theirs burn brighter.

It doesn't, it just adds to the general darkness, when there's one less light.

 

Here's an article that might help you heal your self-esteem:

Dealing with People Who Talk Down to Me :: Emerging From Broken

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Coffee20thank you!

I know I should tell him something back and I was thinking about it when he was talking, I knew his weak points but I was so in love with him I decided I wouldn't hurt him. Of course I regret now. I replayed many situations with him, when I knew what to say and how to react, it also means I would probably never be with him.

 

Don't worry too much about it now. We all have those moments where we look back and say "darn, I wish I had said this then." I just find that when you put people in your shoes, they tend to see things differently sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes it can make people stop an think.

 

 

When I was with him I thought I was put in blame, I thought these are my mistakes that I should improve. But how could I get bigger breast? And also other things he "didn't like". I think now it was a game from him, he knew I would mind, I would be angry and then I would be sorry. He liked it, so he did it more and more often. When I didn't react like he wanted, he started to talk about the same thing again later, like he was calling for drama, or simply he wanted some dramatic reaction from me.

 

What is good about this is that looking back, you see his manipulation for what it was now. He can see how he was trying to get a raise out of you and you can keep your eye out for these things with future romantic relationships. It sounds like he had a lot of low self esteem and was trying to make you feel bad too.

 

When I am away from him, I am completely satisfied with my breast, I think there is nothing wrong with it. But I worry some other joker will come and put me in the same shoes I was before.

 

If some other joker does that, you now know that that isn't a healthy person. I like that you were able to see that when you weren't with him, you were completely satisifed with your breasts. There is absoluletly nothing wrong with you. The right man for you won't be like your ex and he will love your breasts as much as he loves the rest of you.

 

Here is a website that might help you. We are so use to seeing women projected a certain way that we forget sometimes that women come in all shapes and sizes. This website shows "normal breasts". Which just seems to mean, breasts in all different kinds of shape and sizes. It's a nonsexual website but it does show womens' breasts.

 

Normal Breasts

 

I found this website to be positive because it doesn't you can see real women being honest about how they felt about their breasts and how they struggle with them in a society that is obessed with the perfection of our breasts. It's juts women that are being real and openning up and it's quite a nice site.

 

Enjoy.

[betterdeal]

I have let one of them practically eat my soul. I feel like i have no dignity left.

 

Ah, but that you feel that wretched says you do have dignity and heaps of it, deep down inside, and it's just busting to get out.

 

Remember, it was they that treated you badly.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is very hard. I wrote a similar thread about how to cope when you are let down.

 

It's just a fact of life:

People will let us down

and

people will put you down

 

You have to remember certain things:

* The problem is NOT you. It's them. This is ALWAYS the case. It's insecurity, jealousy, unhappiness, depression, whatever you want to call it. No one belittles another when they are happy.

* You can always get back up

* If you get a negative, don't fixate on it, tell yourself 7 positives to counteract it

* Exercise, eat well, meditate - learn strength in yourself

 

and F the haters

 

Life's full of them

 

Let them inspire you to be better

 

NEVER let someone who is hateful stop you from progressing. Let it give you courage to be even greater.

 

Best of luck

[Coffee20]

thank you all again for your comments and articles, I read them all and I find them very helpful !

[Coffee20]

I think it's going to be a hard and a long way for me to get out of all my feelings. I took almost 3 years off, after my very first relationship in where my first ex cheated on me and really worked hard on myself. I had a good part time job, met a lot of new and interesting people also really improved my communication skills a lot. I thought I was happy and quite stable entering the new relationship but I clearly wasn't.