Breaking up with a suicical partner

[Notasockpuppetatall]

My boyfriend of 7 years hasn't yet threatened me with suicide if I left him.

 

Yet.

 

He has however, made it very clear the only reason why he's alive still, is because of me. The only thing in his life that makes him happy, is me. I guess that's pretty much the same thing then.

 

We are in a LDR and in the middle of immigration, and about three weeks ago he came out of nowhere and told me he has been thinking about suicide every single day, longer than we've been together. Not soon after he tried to get help, the help didn't work. He's on medication for depression, anxiety, and whatever else is wrong with him, but he says nothing works.

 

Our relationship hasn't been going that well for the past year or two, I guess in part it's because he was suicidal, which I didn't know about (I knew he was depressed though). Talking to him was strained, and he'd make a lot of passive aggressive comments about me having fun without him. He'd complain he was bored every single day, as if it was my job to entertain him and cheer him up. Believe me, I tried. There's only so much you can do on the internet though.

 

But anyways, it's fairly recent he told me he thinks about killing himself every day, and since we are in the middle of immigration, I am having serious doubts about continuing this relationship. I love him, I do, and I thought our 'problems' were something we could sort out when I was finally living with him. I did not expect him to confess to me about being extremely suicidal though.

 

The thing is, he keeps telling me the only thing in his life that makes him happy is me. And I hate that. I really hate that. I've known this for years, and I thought maybe it'd change, maybe he could find something that would make him happy that didn't involve me. It didn't. And this makes me think of a bleary future with him with no happiness. I don't know if I should break up with him or not, we're already doing the immigration process (though it's not far along enough, so we could cancel it), and I've been with him for so long. That, and I'm sure he'd kill himself if I left him. He'd probably stalk me on the internet too if I did. He already does, actually (the problem with me having fun without him, I suppose). He might even find his topic, in which case I'm sure the relationship will end.

 

I guess the thing is, I don't see myself being happy with him if he continues to be this suicidal and put me on a pedestal. But do people who are depressed and suicidal ever get better? I don't think I can deal with this, it would in turn make me depressed and unhappy and that's something I certainly do not want. Has anyone here been in this kind of situation before? I just want to hear some thoughts.

 

Oh, I guess I should mention he has no job, and absolutely no way of supporting me if I come to live with him. He also doesn't want to get a job, pretty much the only time we have a conversation, it's when he's complaining about things.

 

TL;DR: been together with my boyfriend for 7 years, we're in the middle of immigration, and he's confessed he's suicidal and has attempted to kill himself lots of times before. He's getting help, which he says is not helping him at all. I want to break up, I think, but I'm not sure if I want to throw it all away.

[durentu]

This is emotional blackmail. I've been in a similar situation before. It's devil's snare whereby any movement you do, makes the problem harder and harder.

 

I've also been suicidal, so the personal perspective it that the world also feels like an emotional blackmail as well.

 

The whole thing changed when I accepted suicide. When I told myself that it was ok to die, and that if I didn't like what life had to offer, I can die by my own choice.

 

But then, if I can choose to die, I can choose to live. And I can be independent in either death or life. If I choose to live, I can do whatever I want; empowerment. Then I can try what I like; passion finding. Then I can build my life around what I like; long term planning. etc. Self esteem can only come from the pride of self achievement. That is where happiness comes from; achievement.

 

Each person is responsible for their own actions. Do not accept his emotional blackmail because, you are not committing murder; he's just trying to get you to stay with him under treat of suicide. If he kills himself, that's his own choice, his own free will.

 

Just as his suicide is his own choice, staying with him for the rest of your life, or not leaving is your choice and your responsibility. Can you really live with yourself knowing that you didn't do exactly as you thought was in your own best interests?

 

Your freedom has to be better than his death. Right now, you are unsure.

 

I know this is a very unpopular response, but it's the truth.

[todreaminblue]

My boyfriend of 7 years hasn't yet threatened me with suicide if I left him.

 

Yet.

 

He has however, made it very clear the only reason why he's alive still, is because of me. The only thing in his life that makes him happy, is me. I guess that's pretty much the same thing then.

 

We are in a LDR and in the middle of immigration, and about three weeks ago he came out of nowhere and told me he has been thinking about suicide every single day, longer than we've been together. Not soon after he tried to get help, the help didn't work. He's on medication for depression, anxiety, and whatever else is wrong with him, but he says nothing works.

 

Our relationship hasn't been going that well for the past year or two, I guess in part it's because he was suicidal, which I didn't know about (I knew he was depressed though). Talking to him was strained, and he'd make a lot of passive aggressive comments about me having fun without him. He'd complain he was bored every single day, as if it was my job to entertain him and cheer him up. Believe me, I tried. There's only so much you can do on the internet though.

 

But anyways, it's fairly recent he told me he thinks about killing himself every day, and since we are in the middle of immigration, I am having serious doubts about continuing this relationship. I love him, I do, and I thought our 'problems' were something we could sort out when I was finally living with him. I did not expect him to confess to me about being extremely suicidal though.

 

The thing is, he keeps telling me the only thing in his life that makes him happy is me. And I hate that. I really hate that. I've known this for years, and I thought maybe it'd change, maybe he could find something that would make him happy that didn't involve me. It didn't. And this makes me think of a bleary future with him with no happiness. I don't know if I should break up with him or not, we're already doing the immigration process (though it's not far along enough, so we could cancel it), and I've been with him for so long. That, and I'm sure he'd kill himself if I left him. He'd probably stalk me on the internet too if I did. He already does, actually (the problem with me having fun without him, I suppose). He might even find his topic, in which case I'm sure the relationship will end.

 

I guess the thing is, I don't see myself being happy with him if he continues to be this suicidal and put me on a pedestal. But do people who are depressed and suicidal ever get better? I don't think I can deal with this, it would in turn make me depressed and unhappy and that's something I certainly do not want. Has anyone here been in this kind of situation before? I just want to hear some thoughts.

 

Oh, I guess I should mention he has no job, and absolutely no way of supporting me if I come to live with him. He also doesn't want to get a job, pretty much the only time we have a conversation, it's when he's complaining about things.

 

TL;DR: been together with my boyfriend for 7 years, we're in the middle of immigration, and he's confessed he's suicidal and has attempted to kill himself lots of times before. He's getting help, which he says is not helping him at all. I want to break up, I think, but I'm not sure if I want to throw it all away.

 

I feel for you, this situation you are in is a difficult situation to be in and to determine a positive solution,that is hampered by strong emotions from both sides.Mental illness, immigration and uncertainty putting them together in a sentence points out exactly how many emotions are happening all at once.How difficult this must be for you and for your partner is what I can recognise.

I will start with the mental illness and the stalking factor that you have said makes you scared to come to a decision.

The internet is a place where your safety can be compromised it is quite easy for people with knowledge and brains to hack into your personal privacy.I would suggest if you plan to use the internet, that you strive to install safety features and protection that will protect you against people obtaining your personal details such as address and home phone number.I am a novice at the computer, I am cautious in reality, also I have been stalked in reality so I recommend that you get a professional to install the best that you can get, to give you peace of mind.

Losing that peace of mind is something that will cause you grief.

 

Your partner and his suicide attempts are his health problems, you are not responsible for him attempting to take his life, or any attempt that he makes in the future, even if he succeeds in taking his own life,it is not your fault.

 

Try to convince him to talk to his mental health provider and discuss why his medication is no longer effective for him.Ask him to be honest with them, then, you have done the best that you can do.I think for your own mental state, you should talk to a domestic violence hotline by phone explain your situation and they can offer you much better advice than what I can offer you.Please don't blame yourself for another's health issues they existed probably before you even met you are in no way responsible for them.......

 

Talk to someone there are people just waiting who would love to help you make the right decision they are working where they are, for people just like you to call them

.....and in my case.....I send you hope that you can find peace with whatever decision you decide to reach....now reach

 

for the phone....and I am smiling at you while you do that.......deb

[Notasockpuppetatall]

I appreciate both of your replies, thank you. I realize, objectively, that it is not my fault, nor my responsibility for his own life. That doesn't mean it'll magically make me feel better if he does pull through with it, it'll be on my conscious forever.

 

Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

But I am realizing more and more that I simply do not feel happy anymore with him. I used to hinge on his conversations since physical intimacy was not available, and when it was, it was very strained, sparse, and I was the only one to initiate it (related to his anxiety again), but now I don't even enjoy talking to him anymore. This all happened before he told me he was suicidal, so it wasn't going all that well before. I guess I was foolishly hoping that when I'd see him again in person, we could work it out.

 

With suicide on the table, I don't think it will. Now how to bring this up while causing the least amount of drama and consequences. His family knows about his suicidal thoughts now too, do you think I should contact them and give them a heads up? Though I'm sure they'd hate me and be hostile towards me for abandoning my boyfriend in this time of need.

 

It's just a really sucky situation, especially since we've been together for so long. I'm still not sure about it, but the fact that I am already thinking about it says a lot.

[durentu]

I do not understand why you accept this guilt. It is perfectly within your right to just pack up and leave, without notice. It will not be a surprise to anyone. Everyone will understand.

 

Also, trying to warn parents or soft pedal the issues will only give him more to blackmail you with. I think, cutting the cord is best. Leave a note if you have to.

 

I should also state that past history doesn't predict future results. It's true for investing as well as in relationships. You don't have to feel as if you owe anyone anything just because you were there for a long time. Stop accepting the guilt, and get your life in order.

 

If you do leave, be prepared for his multiple attempts to get you back. With long term suicide, there are measurable and sometimes permanent brain changes that makes it extremely difficult to cope with life changes (I won't get into the neurology details).

Edited August 3, 2012 by durentu

[Notasockpuppetatall]

Yikes, cutting off contact just like that? I don't think I could do that, I'd want to tell him while we're on the phone. Then again, I'm sure this would be very unpleasant.

 

But leaving a note is just, I don't know. I'm sure he'd attempt to contact me all the time, and I'm sure he'd be sending me messages he's going to kill himself for real. It's a pretty predictable turn of events.

 

I'm unsure of how to break him the news. He's going to see his psychiatrist in a few days, maybe I should wait till then, even if each day talking to him is pretty painful and depressing. If I'm even going to do it. Well, probably. My happiness matters more than his, I shouldn't be responsible for his like you said.

[Mike_d]

you don't *need* to break the news to him, you *need* to save yourself from this. you stuff is just stuff, grab as much as you can and move on, quickly. unstable people hurt more than just themselves. you are in a crazy unstable situation, you need to consider yourself first and foremost. that you would use "probably" indicates how far in you are

[USMCHokie]

Agree with the others. You have no obligation. It is simply natural selection at work.

[Floored]

Yikes, cutting off contact just like that? I don't think I could do that, I'd want to tell him while we're on the phone. Then again, I'm sure this would be very unpleasant.

 

But leaving a note is just, I don't know. I'm sure he'd attempt to contact me all the time, and I'm sure he'd be sending me messages he's going to kill himself for real. It's a pretty predictable turn of events.

 

I'm unsure of how to break him the news. He's going to see his psychiatrist in a few days, maybe I should wait till then, even if each day talking to him is pretty painful and depressing. If I'm even going to do it. Well, probably. My happiness matters more than his, I shouldn't be responsible for his like you said.

 

It's not even a matter of his happiness and yours, he's holding his own self-termination over your head to guilt you into staying with him. What kind of fulfilling relationship can be had when you're sitting on a chest of dynamite.

 

And you're not quite abandoning him in his time of need; he says he's been suicidal for longer than you've been together, and help for something like this isn't just a one time thing- he should have continued to seek help if one option wasn't working if he was being honest about seeking. Him holding your own future for ransom just so he doesn't kill his sad existence is not love.

 

You tell him that he's probably depressed and suicidal because he does nothing for himself. Tell him to get a stable job, a stable future and actually work on his illness legitimately. Let his family know too, they're also enabling him languish in his self-pity. Then put a huge space between you.

 

Who knows, maybe if he can actually find a direction, that might be able to rekindle why you even started dating in the first place. Regardless, it will be better for both of you.

 

And with the real possibility that he might actually commit suicide, realize that blame lies with him alone. His family can be held more accountable as well for not intervening on a real level like you are. You broke up with someone for not wanting to better themselves, that's a pretty common situation, and it's also a fairly reconcilable one as well if he can actually get his situation under control.

[Zammo25]

I am quite shocked at the callous comments on here. You have BOTH invested a lot of time in the relationship. You knew his state of mind BEFORE you met him so you can't just say you are totally blameless, like people on here are suggesting as you led him to believe you loved him and wanted a life with him. Now it has got too much you want to walk away and people are saying " yeah screw him " Your comment, my happiness is more important than his, is also very callous, both of your happiness are equally important.

 

He probably does not want to be in the frame of mind he is, it is a truely crippling disease, serious depression so think long and hard before your next action.

 

I am not saying carry on with the relationship but you need to end it the right way and make sure he has help on hand when you do. You owe him that at least.

[Mike_d]

the right way is for her to be able to get out is alive, wtf are you thinking trying to apply rational thought to a dangerous unstable and potentially life threatening event?

 

this isn't about happiness, in what world does "breaking up with suicidal" come anywhere near normal? in what world does emotional blackmailing in order to keep someone near under the guise of "love" seem normal to you? this is some seriously sick ****, it doesn't matter what she knew when she started and she is not responsible in any way for his emotional state right now or in the future. she owes him nothing, she owes herself the chance at living a full life which right now seems to an outsider to be at risk

 

these are the types of situations that end up on the headline news. please, be safe. I've been around crazy unstable people, and after the fact I look back and shudder, but I'm grateful to be able to look back given that what I see was touch and go a few times

[The dot]

TL;DR: been together with my boyfriend for 7 years, we're in the middle of immigration, and he's confessed he's suicidal and has attempted to kill himself lots of times before. He's getting help, which he says is not helping him at all. I want to break up, I think, but I'm not sure if I want to throw it all away.

 

I always wonder about people who have tried to kill themselves "lots of times before" but never succeeded. I actually wonder if he's really as suicidal as he says he is. I actually had a family member who tried to pull that crap on me a few years back. I stopped responding to it eventually. She didn't kill herself. Once she realised I wasn't going to fall for it anymore, she suddenly stopped being suicidal just like that. If your bf really wanted to kill himself, he would have done so by now.

 

Either way, whatever his true state of mind might be right now, it's not your problem. You need to get out of there, and fast. Just leave. Pack your things and go. You don't need that drama in your life, and he needs a kick in the ass to make him grow up a little, and you need someone who's going to bring something positive into your life.

 

BTW, LDR's are notoriously a bad idea. Usually they devolve into long-distance cheating as one person or the other gets bored with having nobody around, and realises their chances of being caught are minimal. There is really nothing worth saving here.

[Zammo25]

the right way is for her to be able to get out is alive, wtf are you thinking trying to apply rational thought to a dangerous unstable and potentially life threatening event?

 

this isn't about happiness, in what world does "breaking up with suicidal" come anywhere near normal? in what world does emotional blackmailing in order to keep someone near under the guise of "love" seem normal to you? this is some seriously sick ****, it doesn't matter what she knew when she started and she is not responsible in any way for his emotional state right now or in the future. she owes him nothing, she owes herself the chance at living a full life which right now seems to an outsider to be at risk

 

these are the types of situations that end up on the headline news. please, be safe. I've been around crazy unstable people, and after the fact I look back and shudder, but I'm grateful to be able to look back given that what I see was touch and go a few times

 

This is what I am saying. She needs to be careful how she does it and if necessary alert medical professionals of his threats. I am also saying as she was with him for 7 years , yes , she does actually need to accept this and that he believed they were going to be together. As always on here we only hear the one side of the story and this guy has not been allowed to state his position.

[USMCHokie]

I always wonder about people who have tried to kill themselves "lots of times before" but never succeeded. I actually wonder if he's really as suicidal as he says he is. I actually had a family member who tried to pull that crap on me a few years back. I stopped responding to it eventually. She didn't kill herself. Once she realised I wasn't going to fall for it anymore, she suddenly stopped being suicidal just like that. If your bf really wanted to kill himself, he would have done so by now.

 

I completely agree with this. Suicide, albeit a serious matter, is often used as a ploy for attention. Those with genuine intentions are often more subtle or simply don't draw attention to the possibility of suicide.

 

However, I have a serious moral dilemma with suicide...society encourages folks to help individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts to prevent the unnecessary loss of life and its resulting aftermath. I get that. We should value life as it is priceless. On the other hand, I'm also a huge proponent of natural selection and feel that if someone wants to off themselves, it's not society's responsibility to expend additional resources for the weak. Are humans really beyond the principle of "survival of the fittest"...?

[The dot]

I am quite shocked at the callous comments on here. You have BOTH invested a lot of time in the relationship.

 

Why is that even an issue? Seriously. That's like saying "Well, I've invested a lot of money in a failing company, so I'll just keep pumping more in just in case it turns around".

 

There comes a time when you just have to cut your losses and get out of there, and when a person threatens or attempts self-harm, that's the time to do it.

[The dot]

I completely agree with this. Suicide, albeit a serious matter, is often used as a ploy for attention. Those with genuine intentions are often more subtle or simply don't draw attention to the possibility of suicide.

 

However, I have a serious moral dilemma with suicide...society encourages folks to help individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts to prevent the unnecessary loss of life and its resulting aftermath. I get that. We should value life as it is priceless. On the other hand, I'm also a huge proponent of natural selection and feel that if someone wants to off themselves, it's not society's responsibility to expend additional resources for the weak. Are humans really beyond the principle of "survival of the fittest"...?

 

The answer to that dilemma is a simple one. If you're truly worried someone might commit suicide, call the police or the ambulance. Leave the situation in the hands of medical professionals who are trained in dealing with it, then leave and move on with your own life. Chances are, they'll tell you exactly what I said before, but hey, at least then you'll know you've done all you can do.

[USMCHokie]

The answer to that dilemma is a simple one. If you're truly worried someone might commit suicide, call the police or the ambulance. Leave the situation in the hands of medical professionals who are trained in dealing with it, then leave and move on with your own life. Chances are, they'll tell you exactly what I said before, but hey, at least then you'll know you've done all you can do.

 

Sure, that would work at a personal level...but my "dilemma" reaches even further out to the societal level...why should police or medical personnel even be bothered...?

[betterdeal]

I suggest you have a read of this article which seems pretty good to me:

 

What to do when feeling manipulated by suicide threats | Psychology Today

[The dot]

Sure, that would work at a personal level...but my "dilemma" reaches even further out to the societal level...why should police or medical personnel even be bothered...?

 

Well, firstly, because it's their job and they get paid to do it. Secondly, they're the ones with the training and the experience in dealing with suicidal people. If someone is genuinely suicidal (and let me repeat, I don't think the OP's bf is genuinely suicidal), they should be in the hands of trained professionals. You and I might be well intentioned, but we really don't know what we're doing. Professionals are less likely to make a mistake that could cost someone their life.

[USMCHokie]

Well, firstly, because it's their job and they get paid to do it. Secondly, they're the ones with the training and the experience in dealing with suicidal people. If someone is genuinely suicidal (and let me repeat, I don't think the OP's bf is genuinely suicidal), they should be in the hands of trained professionals. You and I might be well intentioned, but we really don't know what we're doing. Professionals are less likely to make a mistake that could cost someone their life.

 

I absolutely agree as far as competency requirements are concerned. However, I'm speaking a lot more generally as far as society is concerned with suicide threats...and it's probably beyond the scope of this thread so I will ask rhetorically, why should society protect those in danger of suicide...?

[Zammo25]

USMChokie

 

It's like reading the Nazi thoughts in the 1940's about natural selection, killing off the " weak " ie people who are unfortunate enough to have a mental disorder. They are not " weak ", people who can struggle through life with the challenges of a serious mental disorder or depression are stonger than you will ever be infact I find your comments disgusting.

 

I think this thread should not have been posted. Call a professional and ask for advice.

[Zammo25]

" On the other hand, I'm also a huge proponent of natural selection and feel that if someone wants to off themselves, it's not society's responsibility to expend additional resources for the weak. Are humans really beyond the principle of "survival of the fittest"... "

 

Disgraceful.

[The dot]

USMChokie

 

It's like reading the Nazi thoughts in the 1940's about natural selection, killing off the " weak " ie people who are unfortunate enough to have a mental disorder. They are not " weak ", people who can struggle through life with the challenges of a serious mental disorder or depression are stonger than you will ever be infact I find your comments disgusting.

 

I think this thread should not have been posted. Call a professional and ask for advice.

 

I think if you intend to respond to me, you should respond to things that I actually posted. None of my posts even mentioned "natural selection" or "killing off the weak". In fact, I didn't even say the guy was weak, just manipulative.

 

And yes, I have already stated (twice) that the matter should be left in the hands of professionals, and that the OP should get out for her own sake.

[Zammo25]

The " Master " breed of humans beings. mmmm, when did I hear this before ?

[USMCHokie]

It's like reading the Nazi thoughts in the 1940's about natural selection, killing off the " weak " ie people who are unfortunate enough to have a mental disorder. They are not " weak ", people who can struggle through life with the challenges of a serious mental disorder or depression are stonger than you will ever be infact I find your comments disgusting.

 

It would probably be important to define "weak"...whether it be in a biological sense, a psychological sense, a societal sense, etc.

 

My comments were made in terms of biological "weakness."