Breaking up with a suicical partner

[The dot]

I absolutely agree as far as competency requirements are concerned. However, I'm speaking a lot more generally as far as society is concerned with suicide threats...and it's probably beyond the scope of this thread so I will ask rhetorically, why should society protect those in danger of suicide...?

 

Well, there are some who believe they may become productive members of society in the future. I'm all for giving them all the help possible, although I acknowledge that a person who really wants to commit suicide probably will anyway.

[Zammo25]

It would probably be important to define "weak"...whether it be in a biological sense, a psychological sense, a societal sense, etc.

 

My comments were made in terms of biological "weakness."

 

This is what Hitler thought in the 1940's. He wanted a master breed of perfect human beings and did experimental operations on jews during the war to try and attain this. It is quite unbelievable in this day and age there are still people around like you who share his views. Disgusting.

[USMCHokie]

Well, there are some who believe they may become productive members of society in the future. I'm all for giving them all the help possible, although I acknowledge that a person who really wants to commit suicide probably will anyway.

 

I can buy this, though I would agree with the bolded.

 

This is what Hitler thought in the 1940's.

 

Cool beans.

[Zammo25]

I can buy this, though I would agree with the bolded.

 

 

 

Cool beans.

 

So you agree with the Nazi doctrine of the 1940's then ? Elimination of the " weak ". Fine. I am out of this discussion now. To the OP, phone the medical professionals and do not ask the advise of untrained random stangers and Nazi's on here. Good luck.

[USMCHokie]

So you agree with the Nazi doctrine of the 1940's then ? Elimination of the " weak ".

 

I'm not educated enough in their doctrine to either agree or disagree. I was just recognizing and respecting your opinion of me.

[betterdeal]

I completely agree with this. Suicide, albeit a serious matter, is often used as a ploy for attention.

 

And those using it as ploy generally require attention - otherwise known as "help" - in order to get better.

 

Those with genuine intentions are often more subtle or simply don't draw attention to the possibility of suicide.

 

Not according to mental health specialists. Many people who attempt suicide talk about it with someone beforehand. This idea that it's more "genuine" to not talk about it before attempting it, increases the risk of suicide because many people who feel suicidal will want to be genuine. If you feel suicidal, talk to someone about it and seek help.

 

However, I have a serious moral dilemma with suicide...society encourages folks to help individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts to prevent the unnecessary loss of life and its resulting aftermath. I get that. We should value life as it is priceless. On the other hand, I'm also a huge proponent of natural selection and feel that if someone wants to off themselves, it's not society's responsibility to expend additional resources for the weak. Are humans really beyond the principle of "survival of the fittest"...?

 

By that logic we'd do well to ban opticians, dentists - in fact all medicine - and let the glorious forces of natural selection have their way. Right?

 

Also, it is part of the nature of all the great apes species to help each other, so why deny that part of our nature?

[Notasockpuppetatall]

knew his state of mind BEFORE you met him so you can't just say you are totally blameless

 

No, I didn't. I said it came out of nowhere a few weeks ago. About a year ago he was getting treated for depression, but upon my first meeting with him I knew nothing. I thought he was a shy individual, and all he needed was someone to push him into being more open.

 

But there's only so much pushing I can do. I thought I could help him overcome his issues, thought I could get him to find things he likes doing in his life, get him some friends perhaps, maybe our sex life wouldn't be non-existent, maybe he'd get a job without saying it's the end of the world. I am starting to realize a lot of things now that he said he was suicidal, that all these problems just surface up, and I honestly don't think I'm equipped to handle them. I am not a psychiatrist, a shy person who didn't constantly think what's the best way to die, I think I could have helped, I think I could have stayed.

 

Yeah, I don't think I can stay. It's taxing being his only source of happiness. And then to hear he hasn't done it yet simply because I'm with him. If I stay with him, I don't think I can be happy, and neither can he.

 

But how to tell him this...

 

Also everyone, as much as I love interesting discussion, this is a cry for support, could you please keep it like that and not ramble off about discussions that has nothing to do with my situation?

[USMCHokie]

And those using it as ploy generally require attention - otherwise known as "help" - in order to get better.

 

Not according to mental health specialists. Many people who attempt suicide talk about it with someone beforehand. This idea that it's more "genuine" to not talk about it before attempting it, increases the risk of suicide because many people who feel suicidal will want to be genuine. If you feel suicidal, talk to someone about it and seek help.

 

----

 

By that logic we'd do well to ban opticians, dentists - in fact all medicine - and let the glorious forces of natural selection have their way. Right?

 

Also, it is part of the nature of all the great apes species to help each other, so why deny that part of our nature?

 

Well done. I shall concede on all points.

 

I f*cking hate getting lawyered...

[Notasockpuppetatall]

Thank you betterdeal, I just read the article you linked me. I guess breaking it off really is the best way, I don't think staying with him will lead to anything good anymore.

 

But it's sad, we've been together for 7 years, and we're in the middle of immigration so I can move in with him. Since I don't live in the same country with him, crisis numbers and even 911 are not exactly helpful to me.

[The dot]

No, I didn't. I said it came out of nowhere a few weeks ago. About a year ago he was getting treated for depression, but upon my first meeting with him I knew nothing. I thought he was a shy individual, and all he needed was someone to push him into being more open.

 

But there's only so much pushing I can do. I thought I could help him overcome his issues, thought I could get him to find things he likes doing in his life, get him some friends perhaps, maybe our sex life wouldn't be non-existent, maybe he'd get a job without saying it's the end of the world. I am starting to realize a lot of things now that he said he was suicidal, that all these problems just surface up, and I honestly don't think I'm equipped to handle them. I am not a psychiatrist, a shy person who didn't constantly think what's the best way to die, I think I could have helped, I think I could have stayed.

 

Yeah, I don't think I can stay. It's taxing being his only source of happiness. And then to hear he hasn't done it yet simply because I'm with him. If I stay with him, I don't think I can be happy, and neither can he.

 

But how to tell him this...

 

Also everyone, as much as I love interesting discussion, this is a cry for support, could you please keep it like that and not ramble off about discussions that has nothing to do with my situation?

 

The thing to remember here is that you can't change other people. If he's a shy individual, that's just the way he is, you can't change it. If he doesn't have anything in life that he likes, then he's the only one who can find something he likes. If he has no friends, it's up to him to go and find some (if that's what he wants). If your sex life is non-existent, maybe he just isn't that into sex anyway, and if he hasn't found a job, maybe he just doesn't want one.

 

Really, the question you need to ask yourself here is whether you want to step right into the quicksand with him, or whether you want to be with someone more ambitious.

[Notasockpuppetatall]

If he doesn't have anything in life that he likes, then he's the only one who can find something he likes.

 

Since he came back from the clinic, I've been trying to discuss with him about things that make him happy. Getting hobbies. All of it is met with an aggressive tone, saying he can't do it anyway, so he's not. He says he doesn't have any underlying issues, and just that his head makes him feel like that. Then he said something about wanting to try drugs and alcohol to suppress it. That basically pushed me over the edge so I could post here.

 

I guess he wants to change, but he blames it on something he can't control, any suggestions to help him are shot down (or 'it doesn't help'), how in the world do you help a person like that.

 

Really, the question you need to ask yourself here is whether you want to step right into the quicksand with him, or whether you want to be with someone more ambitious.

Objectively, I can say I should get the hell out of there. But it's easier to say it than to do it.

[The dot]

I guess he wants to change, but he blames it on something he can't control, any suggestions to help him are shot down (or 'it doesn't help'), how in the world do you help a person like that.

 

Which basically means that he has no desire to change, and is quite content with the way things are. If he wanted to change, he'd be making some effort. Instead he's shooting down everything anyone does to try to help him.

 

Objectively, I can say I should get the hell out of there. But it's easier to say it than to do it.

 

From what I'm now seeing, it's better for you AND him if you get out of there. By staying and listening to his excuses and putting up with his emotional blackmail, you're acting like an enabler. As things stand, he can stay where he is indefinitely, never seek a job, never find any friends, and go down a path of drugs and alcohol, because he knows you'll be there to pick him up every time.

 

You need to take the safety net away, and make him stand on his own two feet.

[betterdeal]

Thank you betterdeal, I just read the article you linked me. I guess breaking it off really is the best way, I don't think staying with him will lead to anything good anymore.

 

As the article suggested, a well-worded explanation of why you are ending the relationship is a good idea. The example they gave showed empathy and maintained clear limits between what is yours and what is his, while still doing what you want to do i.e. extricate yourself from the situation.

 

But it's sad, we've been together for 7 years, and we're in the middle of immigration so I can move in with him. Since I don't live in the same country with him, crisis numbers and even 911 are not exactly helpful to me.

 

It must be sad for you, I can well imagine, but if the relationship makes you feel like you do now, what's the point of having it? As for agencies that can help this man, you may wish to look for suitable ones in his country and suggest them to him, or suggest he seeks help.

 

Take care.

[Miss Vee]

OP you have every right to leave this relationship if you believe it's in your best interests or in both of your best interests. However, I would caution you to think very carefully about how you go about this. In honour of the 7 years that you've shared together I really don't think you should just disappear as some are urging you to do. Unless the man is violent I think any human being deserves better than to just be left hanging by someone they thought cared about them.

 

Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs of the relationship but if I were you I would fly out there and let him know in person why you're making this decision. Inform his family/friends of your intentions and his suicide threats so that they can be there to support him/get him help when you leave. What happens after that is not your burden to carry - easier said than done I know. You have my sympathies - this is a truly awful situation. But draw strength from the fact that your staying in the relationship isn't helping him - he was like this before you and your presence in his life isn't making him "better". Good luck to you.

[todreaminblue]

I appreciate both of your replies, thank you. I realize, objectively, that it is not my fault, nor my responsibility for his own life. That doesn't mean it'll magically make me feel better if he does pull through with it, it'll be on my conscious forever.

 

Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

But I am realizing more and more that I simply do not feel happy anymore with him. I used to hinge on his conversations since physical intimacy was not available, and when it was, it was very strained, sparse, and I was the only one to initiate it (related to his anxiety again), but now I don't even enjoy talking to him anymore. This all happened before he told me he was suicidal, so it wasn't going all that well before. I guess I was foolishly hoping that when I'd see him again in person, we could work it out.

 

With suicide on the table, I don't think it will. Now how to bring this up while causing the least amount of drama and consequences. His family knows about his suicidal thoughts now too, do you think I should contact them and give them a heads up? Though I'm sure they'd hate me and be hostile towards me for abandoning my boyfriend in this time of need.

 

It's just a really sucky situation, especially since we've been together for so long. I'm still not sure about it, but the fact that I am already thinking about it says a lot.

 

 

 

Though I'm sure they'd hate me and be hostile towards me for abandoning my boyfriend in this time of need.

 

 

They are his family and they are probably looking for someone to blame if they are hateful towards you, and not thinking about their son at all, they are considering only their feelings and the fact they might have to deal with a difficult and draining situation,but that is not your responsibility to make them be more loving and caring, keep this in mind if you do decide to call and they react this way this is worst case scenario, this is not your fault you are doing the right thing, so do that and get off the phone as soon as it is done.

Lastly they could be extremely grateful,this is a normal reaction for a loving supporting and compassionate family to have, this is the best case scenario for your boyfriend to be surrounded with support and understanding they are his best support network.You know then that your boyfriend is in the best care possible.I have a loving supportive family who I trust.You rboyfriends family will porbably want to keep you on the phone to find out what is happening so they have some idea of where to go.

 

I will say this about your boyfriend this is my opinion, he seems to be emotionally manipulating you, to keep you tied to him, I would not do that i if was serious about suicide to the people I love and care about.I would not want to upset them I would not tell if I was planning anything.Because I love them, it seems to me your boyfriend is not considering you at all or your feelings and needs professional help he needs attention but not your attention because he is not thinking of you at all.I know it is hard to accept that you deserve to have happiness but you do.You are not happy with him you will not be able to help him the way he needs help.

 

Ring the family if you really feel you should I think its acceptable for you to feel the need to do that.You can only do what you are capable of doing do not take abuse.You are caring and compassionate and deserve happiness in life and love......good luck....deb

[Notasockpuppetatall]

An update: I have told him I'm breaking up with him. I also told him to not contact me anymore, and I have blocked him on everything that I can think of. Unfortunately I'm still getting e-mails from him, in which he basically continues to whine and asks me to explain and that he'll show up at my house in a couple of days and talk to me (we live an ocean apart, this is insane).

 

I've notified his family, but only through e-mail (I don't know their numbers). I hope they can get him the help he needs. It pains me to do it like this, but as you can see ... he's not in his right mind and the relationship just wasn't going to make either of us happy.

[Floored]

Well, I'd be surprised for one if he actually came to your door in the next couple of days, though I'm sure he will bombard you in any other way he can think of. It was a hard thing for you to do, stay strong in this moment and know that it was the best thing for both of you really. With you accepting him as he was and allowing him to hold you emotionally hostage to his suicidal threats, you were really keeping him in the same, no momentum life. Perhaps this is the change he needs to actually get him out of his rut.

 

He has no job, he threatens suicide for attention and to keep his relationships intact, and he prefers to keep you down instead of pulling himself up. Yes, depression is a real and powerful demotivator, but a big part of why he's depressed is probably from insecurity and the fact that he has no direction, when he puts no effort into fixing these things for himself. He would prefer to wallow in his own self-pity and pushes away attempts to break that cycle, and has been sucking you into that toxic cycle for a while now.

[betterdeal]

An update: I have told him I'm breaking up with him. I also told him to not contact me anymore, and I have blocked him on everything that I can think of. Unfortunately I'm still getting e-mails from him, in which he basically continues to whine and asks me to explain and that he'll show up at my house in a couple of days and talk to me (we live an ocean apart, this is insane).

 

I've notified his family, but only through e-mail (I don't know their numbers). I hope they can get him the help he needs. It pains me to do it like this, but as you can see ... he's not in his right mind and the relationship just wasn't going to make either of us happy.

 

I'm glad to hear you've been decisive and conveyed your message to him clearly. You can always filter his email out, or change email address. Take reasonable precautions if you believe he will make good on his promise to turn up at your place. If you feel it's likely, contact the police and ask for their advice.

[Notasockpuppetatall]

Yeah, blocking his e-mail doesn't do anything when he can just create a new one, and has.

 

For the past 3 days, he's been stalking me, trying to get into contact with me wherever he can. He's been stalking my family now too. It's gotten to the point where he is messaging random strangers who have, at one point, managed to talk to me once (never talked to them again after that), and it's insane.

 

I'm not quite sure what his goal is here, I said no contact, and trying to obsessively harass me everywhere I go on the internet is not doing him any favours into getting me to talk to him again.

 

Do people like that ever stop? Should I go for more drastic measures, and simply change my entire identity online?

[betterdeal]

I did, and it was fine. Not that my ex stalked me (to my knowledge) but it was quite a cathartic exercise in itself. I was drawing a line.

[Mike_d]

An update: I have told him I'm breaking up with him. I also told him to not contact me anymore, and I have blocked him on everything that I can think of. Unfortunately I'm still getting e-mails from him, in which he basically continues to whine and asks me to explain and that he'll show up at my house in a couple of days and talk to me (we live an ocean apart, this is insane).

 

I've notified his family, but only through e-mail (I don't know their numbers). I hope they can get him the help he needs. It pains me to do it like this, but as you can see ... he's not in his right mind and the relationship just wasn't going to make either of us happy.

 

 

good for you

 

just delete the emails that you see coming from him without reading, or copy them to a new folder that you never read in order to create a history trail if things continue to worsen.

 

you did the right thing, now you just have to protect yourself for awhile until he goes away for good and fades into the sunset. don't respond to anything in the meanwhile in any way.

[Mike_d]

Yeah, blocking his e-mail doesn't do anything when he can just create a new one, and has.

 

control what you can control, let go of the rest while paying attention

 

For the past 3 days, he's been stalking me, trying to get into contact with me wherever he can. He's been stalking my family now too. It's gotten to the point where he is messaging random strangers who have, at one point, managed to talk to me once (never talked to them again after that), and it's insane.

 

attractive eh? things getting scary now

 

I'm not quite sure what his goal is here, I said no contact, and trying to obsessively harass me everywhere I go on the internet is not doing him any favours into getting me to talk to him again.

 

that you might consider talking to him again causes me to wince a bit - really, after all this you might consider opening the door back up to a conversation?? why? how does this serve you??

 

Do people like that ever stop? Should I go for more drastic measures, and simply change my entire identity online?

 

yes it stops but it usually takes a ton of work and perseverance and time, he has nothing else going on in his life but you. think about it. And yes you should make it as hard as possible for him to contact you, and if that includes changing online identity then you need to do that too, now, quickly.