She Left Me For Another Guy. NC UPDATES.

[Coping Vortex]

Wow this all somewhat similar to what i experienced. I got the "I miss you" texts too. Met up with her. She cried I cried we hugged kissed and ****ed. The next day she was back to breadcrumbs and was back with the new guy again. She told me she was no longer "in" love with me." And she "is with someone else.... that's it"

 

She shut the door on me after telling me she could leave the guy in a second and the relationship with him is bare bones. etc etc. This is called the "look back" they get curious for something familiar and all it does it cement them into realizing they are where they want to be.

 

Like getting a new car and keeping the old one. The new car feels odd you aren't used it it. You go back and drive the old car and it feel familiar but old the new one has all new stuff in it , although it feels odd, it is new and exciting so the old car goes back in the garage for good.

[316]

I have been lurking this site for the past month and this thread is what tipped me over the edge to finally create an account.

 

David I have read through this entire thread (sad I know... too much time on my hands these days). You're probably not going to like what I have to say but I'm going to be 100% real here and you NEED to listen... You need PROFESSIONAL help.

You are currently in the middle of a never-ending spiral of emotional abuse...

1)The girl cheats on you.

2)You break up.

3)You get sad/angry and pretend that you're over her but deep down you STILL want her back despite the emotional abuse that she has caused you

4)You attempt to go NC. <--- Most important step!!

5)She feeds you breadcrumbs that makes you feel guilty for ignoring her/ feeds you breadcrumbs that make you think she really wants you back when in reality SHE DOES NOT TRULY WANT YOU BACK.

6)You cave and allow her to come over and use you for sex and to stroke her own ego.

7)She goes back to her other guy because SHE DOES NOT TRULY WANT YOU BACK.

8)Repeat steps 3-7 over... and over... and over... and over!

 

Listen man I know breakups are some of the roughest crap anyone can go through, and everyone here sympathizes with you (we WANT you to get through this man! You deserve SO much better!!). But you have been going through this same cycle for over 5 months since posting this thread DESPITE the 10+ pages of great information everyone has been giving to you. We can only help you so much but it's at the point now where if you are unwilling to take advice from us then you need to seek professional help. You're a victim of emotional abuse and this ex of yours is a vampire that is thriving off of your weakness. It's really upsetting to read and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. The people on this site clearly haven't been able to knock you out of this vicious cycle so professional help might be what you need at this point.

 

I'm going to subscribe to this thread and become an active member of this site because I'm dealing with a rough break up as well. We're here for you bro... We can beat this!!

Edited January 30, 2013 by 316

[David84]

I just want to be done with it. I'm so drained.

Sadly I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship in my early 20's. I had about two dozen council sessions dealing with the breakup trying to understand it wasn't me. I feel I can get past it without that expense.

 

It's hard because this relationship was good for 3 years. Had no issues of abuse. There was lying under the surface by her that I found out later.

I was all set for the new year to be a great one.

Persistent girl. She had called me the Friday evening to firm up our Saturday plans. Make sure I wasn't going to bail out on her because I had been fairly in enthusiastic. Her mom was over at the time of the call and eagerly took the phone from her in disbelief I was talking to her and told me that she told me she was a little witch and that the family missed me.

 

I really want to fall out of love with her.

Those few hours laying around naked just ****ed up my mind.

I talked and said a lot of things I wish I haven't either.

Blew up her ego I'm sure. Crocodile tears.

 

She kept saying things about her weight and how she needs to get skinnier and I loved her cause she's skinny, she's 100 and has seen the doctor for not being able to gain weight. I worry about her. I told her that.

She talks like she is crazy, like she flipped a switch and changed her mentality.

Never used to say stuff like that. Still says she wants to be with me in the end. Just can't and that the new guy is just time filler. Emotionless.

Obviously bull****. I wish I could tell her to plain old **** off bit it's been so long since the initial hit I'm numb to the prolonged anger.

 

Reading really helps me. I know I cannot understand fully but I'd like to read and have suggestions on material pertaining to liars and emotional abuse.

[316]

She talks like she is crazy.

 

Dude... She talks like she's crazy because she IS crazy. First she cheats on you, then she cheats on this new guy with you while pretending she'll eventually get back with you. Do you not see the pattern? She's literally and figuratively screwing everyone over that's involved with her for her own benefit.

 

SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGS. Write this down and repeat it to yourself until it sticks. Even if she did come crawling back there's a 99% chance she'd probably cheat on you again... Is that really the type of woman you want? The sooner you can come to grips with this the better off you'll be.

 

You gotta let go of the past, man up, and drop this bitch for good. You had good memories together but she's a new person now and it's time to move on.

Edited January 31, 2013 by 316

[Navajo46]

I know it's hard to let go man but unfortunately this girl is seriously crazy. I can't discount that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, but that is not helping you in the least. This has definitely been a pattern what she has been doing to you. You keep falling into it because you loved and cared for her... but it's time to let this one go.

 

I completely understand what you are going through as it is so hard to let go even when you know it wasn't right. My ex is 33, bulimic, has lived at her moms, has a father who wants nothing to do with her, has a 16 year old son whos father isn't in the picture and I wasn't getting what I needed in the relationship, and cheated on me with her married boss... that's about every red flag there is and I am still having trouble letting go because I loved and cared for her despite it all. We were together for 6 years and broken up for 2 months while she is waiting for her boss to get a divorce or whatever. I think I have the same problem as you said in one of your posts... I feel that I need to "fix" the ones with problems.

 

I have had a little over 2 months no contact and it has helped tremendously. Gave me the time that I needed to put things in perspective and really let it sink in that I deserve soooooo much better than what life would have been with her. She did me a serious favor of breaking up with me because I wouldn't have had the heart to do it and I believe the same for you. She did you a favor and you gotta see it that way. I hope things get better brother. People just don't change... I have learned that. Look at what your future would be with her... not much different I would wager.

[FearlessOne]

Obviously, you don't try hhard enough, probably because you don't want to move on. I'm sure you like her breadcrumbs and secretly wish you could go back togheter with her. Please do, and when she will crush you again, maybe you will understand.

[David84]

Thank you for your replies.

[KatZee]

This chick is a walking mess. You need to ignore whatever soft feeling you may have left for her at this point.

 

1. Stop agreeing to meet up. I'm really not quite sure why you continue agreeing to meet her anyway. She's a user, a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, a selfish & self absorbed individual. On top of that she is just a confused and broken little person.

> If she's ringing your bell and won't stop, CALL THE COPS. What she's doing now is virtually harassment and stalking. The incessant calls, texts, emails, showing up unexpectedly... get a damn restraining order if you have to.

 

2. Stop falling for her sob stories and stop attending the pity parties she hosts for herself every other week. We get it. She's a mess. She's confused. She's sad and miserable. She's a f.uck up. She ruined everything. Wah wah wah wah wah. Cry me a damn river already! How are you not in a state of rage and fury for what she's doing?

> It's nice and all that she's admitting she's a massive mental case but she's doing nothing to change it. Nothing beyond screwing with the minds of two guys.

 

You can call her a f.ucking loser and any other name under the sun that you want, but she is NEVER going to listen to you and she's never going to take you seriously. Why? Because the second she throws out her "<3's" and all the other BS you crumble and agree to meet up and have sex with her, and pour your heart out and this and that. To any girl... those actions are those of a guy who still has feelings, who would still get back pretty quickly. You need to drill it into her head that you're done, that don't give a s.hit that she's sad and crying and that you don't give a s.hit about her life, her new guy, whether she's in therapy. It's been 7 months, tell her to move the f.uck on with her life the way you've done yours. Embarrass her if you have to. Make her too humiliated to ever contact you again. Like, wow isn't this sad that you're still stalking me down almost a year later? :rolleyes:

[David84]

KatZee

 

Thank you for your response.

I agree with you. I am currently doing some reading on mentally abusive and narsistic relationships and how to let go. I've lost that initial fire of anger and I don't know why. I find it difficult to stay angry with anyone. I wish that wasn't the case. I know I have codependency and self esteem issues after the ****ty partners I have somehow selected. I've wanted to blow her out and tell this new guy everything but I feel it will create such a **** storm in my life because my friends and family have no idea and also my new female friends.

 

I hope I can just make it longer this time NC.

How many times can I burn myself right?

I get past the first few days of hurt, filling my time looking for answers.

The next 2 weeks are usually fine, I start life and living.

Rounding 3 weeks I usually wonder why I haven't heard from her. Subconciously, because I'm addicted to the cycle. When I do hear from her admittedly it gives me momentary relief. A fix.

 

I this on nobody.

[nofool4u]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/337292-shes-cheated-moving-out-wtf

 

Well she messaged me today and it got through because my app for blocking her texts unknowingly messed up. "I miss you :(" when she woke up this morning. It's day 8 of no contact. I haven't responded..

 

Nah, reply back to her and say, "Thats nice, lets get together real quick so I can buy you a nice cup of leave me the F*** alone"

 

OR

 

Tell her you miss her too, invite her over, bone the hell out of her, then tell her to get her clothes on and get out.

[empirestate87]

David! Wow, any updates?

[coltsfan1]

Nah, reply back to her and say, "Thats nice, lets get together real quick so I can buy you a nice cup of leave me the F*** alone"

 

OR

 

Tell her you miss her too, invite her over, bone the hell out of her, then tell her to get her clothes on and get out.

 

The latter of the two is all this slag deserves. She is broken and an honest man would wish her the best then move on.

[Love4Pain]

Wow. I read this whole post too....

 

First, We have the same birthday, so Happy belated birthday David! And second, very freaky because my ex who dumped me after new years is named David >_> I am at 3 months post BU

 

 

But...any how. I feel for, you really. I know you are trying NC over and over again but you really -really- need to stop talking to Sarah, You need to block her again so you stop getting any and all messages from her. Don't set a password, just have it all deleted as soon as she tries.

 

Is there any physical person that you can sit down and talk to about this? I know LS is great but you can't always get an instant response and you might need to actually hear it spoken. If you don't want to pay money for a professional, then I think you need to get a friend that you can call up or see and just talk it all out.

 

Hun, Sarah is using you for sex and she is validating that she is still wanted. Her current boyfriend most likely is a giant loser and they have a crap relationship so once in a while she needs to get that feeling of being wanted and you most likely treated her better than he is. That is NO GOOD. Even if she wanted to work things out with you, calling you up for sex is not working anything out! She's proven this every time you meet up!

 

Also, I know you said you are still dating/seeing this new girl who you say is great, and that she knows you don't want a relationship but I think you need some actual alone time for yourself and you didn't really give yourself that. You went from BU to contacting your ex to casually dating all at the same time. You are still comparing her to your ex, it feels like a rebound even if it is casual. If everything with her was so great then you wouldn't need to keep going back to your ex for sex. A lot of us know how it feels to want to be wanted, but I don't think jumping back into dating helped you sort out your issues.

[David84]

Well,

 

It's been like 16 months, I'm back because my ex is still hurting me and I need to vent. Here's a quick summary.

 

- She has continued texting and contacting me every 2-3 weeks trying to see me and make plans. Tells me she misses me ect. This has never stopped.

 

- Has broken up with her boyfriend, the guy she left me for. Called and texted numerous times that following week to make me aware and wanting to see me.

 

- Called and texted on my birthday proclaiming how amazing and wonderful I am. Blah blah blah. Sexted all the flirty birthday stuff to try and lure me into seeing her.

 

- I haven't been seeing her and if I do respond its in a cold and blowing her off manner. I'm just not feeling it is usually my go to.

 

- She's texted me telling me the new guy she's been seeing saw her phone texts to me and wasn't happy with her. She's texted me telling me that the new guy she has been seeing lives in the building across the street from me and she can see into my condo from his. I haven't responded to these at all but have closed my blinds.

 

- She called me crying begging to see me. I declined. She told me all the sexual things she wanted to do, just wanted me for one night. Blah blah.

I took the bait and agreed on plans with her. As the day progressed she quickly changed into being stressed out at work, pushed plans later because she forgot she had plans, not wanting to get sexy, not wanting to have sex, not wanting me to sleep over, not wanting to see me at all then finally just not even talking or responding to me. All within the afternoon to evening.

It's stupid but I can't help but look forward to it a little and feel let down and scratching my head. This is why I'm here again.

 

I've looked up Narcissistic and idolizing and devaluing.

But this is very quick.

 

I know I'm going to get a text "I'm sorry, I miss you and really need you"

I'll ignore and I'll get one again in a day or two. If I respond by saying to get lost

I get a "I'll respect that, MSG me sometime ok? I want to blah blah blah and I bought a new sexy outfit for you and I miss us and want to talk and see how we fix this" blah blah blah.

 

8 years of knowing and having relations with this girl.

My happiness and mind is suffering.

I'm tired of biking and having codependency on this sick cycle.

I love this girl, unhealthy, and I can't fully leave it be 16 months of this **** after she lied cheat and stole. It's completely broken me and baffles me how a flawless amazing 3 years side by side can blow up into this mess right before my eyes.

 

I cannot change my number, Business.

My carrier does not block calls.

I know she will find ways to contact me regardless,

Work phone, email, friends face books.

 

Please I'm just looking for any comments or input.

 

I've poured my heart out to her before about how I feel and how AWEFUL she continues to torment me and I just feel disgusting about it because I get no reply at all and feel like she's getting a kick out of knowing she's mentally abusing me.

Edited September 20, 2013 by David84

[Chi townD]

restraining order.

 

Personally, I don't know what else to do for you....

 

You should be at a point where you're saying,' Okay, catch up on a few things on my phone....message from work, reminder to call mom, BF friend called, stocks are up, weekly text from psycho bitch Ex, OH LOOK! The Bears won!"

 

THAT'S WHERE YOU SHOULD BE NOW!!!!

Edited September 20, 2013 by Chi townD

[Recovered]

Hey... I read your story. Wow.

 

After 16 months, you know what the answer is: cut her out of your life completely and totally.

 

I know it's tough because you shared so much with her, you were part of her family, etc... but Dave, that girl is truly messed up.

 

You have the power to control how you perceive things and how events affect you. And truth is, you've really let it get to you.

 

At this point, you should never, ever be pouring your heart out to her. You shouldn't be meeting her. You shouldn't ever be talking to her at all. It's destroying you and the only way to heal and get better is to be strong and cut her out of your life completely. You have to realize that, no?

 

If you can't change numbers, can't block her, etc... then simply don't answer. Not once. Never.

 

And if she somehow gets through from a different number or whatever, hang up. For real, don't say a word, just hang up.

 

If it seems hard or cruel, ask yourself: after what she's revealed of herself to you through her actions in the last year and a half, do you honestly ever want this type of person in your life? Let alone as your soulmate?!!?

 

Good luck to you.

[lauri]

Do you not want to let her go of her because you'd rather have the pain of keeping her around then venturing into something unknown and moving on? I think you need to seriously cut her out - for your own sake. I'm serious dude...you are killing yourself over someone who is playing with your heart and your head. Relationships should enhance your life not make them difficult.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

HOLY ****!

 

I've just sat and read your entire thread from beginning to end.

 

I know we all have different approaches and difficulties with break ups but you know what.

 

There is nothing wrong with this girl.

 

There is something wrong with you.

 

This should not have been going on this long and the only person responsible for it lasting like this is you. All you had to do was go total no contact and suffer for a few months just like the rest of us.

 

Yes it's hard but if you get that heart wrenching text at 2am when you're slightly drunk and alone, punch a pillow or play with yourself and IGNORE. It's hard but it's not this hard.

 

You can call her crazy or screwed up or whatever, but she knows EXACTLY what she's doing, she can have you whenever she wants and after this much time she knows the systems and patterns to break you.

 

From now on she should be dead to you, she doesn't exist. If you see her in public or out in her car...you're mistaken it's someone else. Heck even hold a false funeral if it helps.

 

Alternatively, emigrate and live in a mud hut otherwise it'll never stop, and I think you'll fail to get advice from anyone here because you've ignored every single bit of it.

 

What gets me is the dates and attention you had from other girls. As someone who is in the middle of a break up. I live in a tiny village with my parents in the middle of nowhere. I'd kill to even see a girl my age never mind have the chance to maybe date one. It sounds like you had the perfect circumstances to come out of this good and healthy but you've done nothing but self sabotage.

 

I'm sorry if if I sound like an insensitive dick but this was really painful to read.

Edited September 20, 2013 by HereWeGoAgain1

[reddragon588]

At some point you have to give it up.

 

Why don't you talk to your employer and explain that you are receiving harassing calls on your current line and absolutely need to change your number? I have a hard time seeing them refuse that, and if they do, hello HR.

 

Do you have an iPhone? The new operating system iOS 7 has a built in block feature.

 

Restraining order is an option.

 

You also need to tell her to back the eff off. Tell her all she is doing is hurting you, and it is not making her more attractive in your eyes. Tell her you are over her and you are moving on and she needs to do the same.

 

At some point you have to make the decision to move on. It is a conscious decision at a certain point and requires you taking some drastic actions, such as changing your number or acquiring a restraining order.

[David84]

I appreciate all of the feedback. TRUELY.

 

The issue with the phone number is that im a contractor and the number I have is my personal company that I have grown over the years and to change numbers would royally **** my established Buisness. My cell carrier has no options for blocking. iOS 7 will call block but not private calls. She will leave voice mails.

 

I honestly know she's a dirty nasty little bitch who sees that she can hurt me and continues to do so for pleasure. I 100% get that.

 

I guess a lot of my issue is that it blindsided me and she had me 100% convinced after all these years that I finally found the right girl and she was awesome. Her family was amazing. We were just starting our life of living together. Then bam, 3 months in Lying, Cheating, Stealing and more lying.

 

I know the buttons that she presses on me are the ones that make me doubt myself that she doesn't regret what she's done. When she plans and tells me in detail the amazing sounding "start fresh" night.

 

I don't even want to start fresh, I just want to know I ment something or get closure or know she feels bad about being the definition of both a psychopath and a cunt.

 

I don't hurt over it. I'm just confused by the game and reasons behind it.

[BC1980]

Heck even hold a false funeral if it helps.

 

Okay, that is hilarious.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

 

I don't even want to start fresh, I just want to know I ment something or get closure or know she feels bad about being the definition of both a psychopath and a cunt.

 

 

You will never get answers and you will never get acknowledgement from her either.

 

Even if you did, what difference would it make? It doesn't matter how she felt about you or why she'd doing it. What matters is how you feel about yourself independent of her or her actions.

 

I'm telling you. You could be waiting the rest of your life for the answers you want.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Codependent addiction...seek help in Al-anon or CODA.

 

You are addicted to the drama...sickness of another insane person. There is help and hope.

 

Find A Local Meeting

 

Welcome: CoDA Home Page

[veggirl]

What phone carrier doesn't offer the option of blocking a number?

 

I honestly don't believe that.

 

If you were serious, you would figure this out, you would change your number and simply alert your business contacts of the fact. Or you'd figure out how to block her. Why won't you?

[denxnis]

If you ignored her for 2 months straight and gave her absolutely 0 attention she would stop bothering you; but it seems like you keep giving in.

It's ok to admit you like the attention but you gotta cut this girl loose man...

 

Could you really see something serious happening between you two? You'll never forget the fact that she dropped you like a bad habit to sleep with some new guy. History tends to repeat itself and I have no doubt that she'd be willing to do it again if she thought she could get away with it.

 

I know if I were in your shoes I might cave as well, but I was able to ignore my ex'es breadcrumbs by telling myself that a girl who's willing to throw 5 years away to sleep with another guy is not a girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's hard and you miss them at times but it's gets easier as long you as keep telling yourself you can do better.