Self-Sabotage

[mowglisummers]

Every time I get close to a girl it starts going wrong. We might get along incredibly well for a certain period, then I mess it up. I make myself 'too available', she backs off and I just push harder and it spirals out of control.

 

I have never been in a proper relationship. It's all been just flings or long distance. I NEED to develop a healthy mutual relationship for my mental well being. Year after year it just gets harder. When a girl I've been completely cool with up until I get a bit over-hopeful about starts backing away I just try and explain myself, explain this problem in some ridiculous wish that she would just understand and help me out of this hole I'm digging myself. But I know it will never work like that... yet I keep trying, getting more and more depressed.

 

It's really hard to talk about because everyone has the same advice. "Just leave it for a while, if she likes you she will come round if you give her space." I know this, I agree, I'm just being completely retarded, bashing my head against a brick wall. The more I bash, the higher she will build it. But I'm messed up, no discipline, I can't cope being alone anymore. This just makes me into a sympathy case, which makes me loathe myself, which makes me even weaker.

 

This past year has been hard for other reasons and I regularly contemplate suicide. The thought is getting harder to dismiss as I get older and feel more hopeless. I fear soon I will be too traumatized to speak to anyone without getting that horrible glazed look in my eyes. I find it hard to face up to basic things that will allow me to provide for myself, study and work. All this stuff just makes me want to talk to the women in my life even more as I seek the only thing I feel will save me from myself.... like a Catch-22.

 

I need a positive outlook, some motivation. Some TLC would fix me up good. But I can't have that unless I have a positive outlook and some motivation. WTF I don't want to live like this