how do i stop hating myself?

[suki1]

Hi guys. I've been looking for some help with this for a while and then a few weeks ago stumbled across this page, I hope you can help me. My relationship with my MM ended 2 years ago. I am glad about this, after two years of manipulation, lies and general emotional abuse for his gain I was free. Every so often he still sends me emails which I do not respond to. The last one was 6 months ago and although it made me mad (just said "I'm sorry", like hell he is!) I deleted and did not reply. Apart from occasional anger I am over him , I have a new (18months ish now) partner and we recently moved in together and have been talking about marriage.

 

On the surface, I know, it looks good. I've moved on. The problem is I still hate myself for ever getting involved with an MM. Seriously, I feel sick at the thought. I get so paranoid that people at work or family know about him and judge me for it and the thought makes me want to quit my career and move to another country tomorrow and never go back. The complete, all encompassing self loathing is horrendous to deal with. Please don't suggest I see a counselor, I don't know where to begin to explain it all and I cannot stand the look of anger/disgust/judgement/revulsion you get when someone knows. I hate myself enough without more people hating me on top if it. I know it makes me a bad person, I don't need other people telling me. Please tell me how to forgive myself.

[jwi71]

Why is seeing a counselor "not doable" but asking random, potentially unqualified, Internet posters IS acceptable?

 

I'm going to take a wild guess and say anonyomity.

 

Here's the thing though, IC's are specifically trained to deal with that and far, far worse.

 

I dont think you are some hideous, malformed creature from the darkest pits of hell.

 

You are human. And we make bad decisions. I make them everyday. Just ask my W.

 

My suggestion is exactly what you don't want to hear: seek IC.

 

Failing that, and you will, what specifically is SO unforgivable about this?

 

Does your current bf know?

[suki1]

Yeah he knows. But he doesn't know how much I hate myself for it or how paranoid I get about it. Weirdly he has been in a similar situation some years ago, though at least for him he can say she had no kids and her relationship was physically abusive so in some way he can see himself as a positive influence that got her out of that situation.

 

You're right, it's all about anonymity. And the fact that this is meant to be a place where people who've been where I've been can talk, so the chances of being judged and damned are less than anywhere else.

 

I mean this to only apply to me I am not judging anyone else, however similar their situation when I tell you why I feel this is unforgivable in my case. It is unforgivable because he has a child and he has a wife and they deserve better than that. Whenever I think what they might have felt had they found out I just want to throw up because it's my fault. Also what they must have felt, because she had her suspicions that he was seeing someone else. That was my fault and there's nothing I can do to wipe the slate clean.

 

Also being someone with quite strong avoidant traits I honestly fear other people's judgement. I've seen the things other people think of the other woman. Interestingly I work with perpetrators of domestic violence and in meetings it is always the cheating that gets the huge in take of breath from everyone. Strange when they didn't bat an eyelid to the prolonged incidences of physical and sexual abuse they heard 30 seconds earlier.

[alexandria35]

Okay for starters this affair is no reason to hate yourself forever, you shouldn't hate yourself for even one more day. Nobody has gotten through this life without making some bad decisions and living the consequences of those decisions. We could all potentially be walking around hating ourselves if we let negative thinking take over.

 

As for forgiving yourself, well I think it would help if you started by seeing that their are positives to this situation. First of all you're not with this creep anymore. YAY!! You saw this dyfunctional situation for what it was and you got out after just 2 years. I've stayed in crappy situations for a lot longer than 2 years so I'm impressed. You showed a determination to get out and stay out and you made that happen so you should be proud of yourself for that. You will never feel proud of the affair but so what? We have all done things that we are not proud of and wish we could go back and choose differently but we can't. It's the past and nothing can change the past. Don't live in the past, just learn from it and then look forward not backwards.

 

Another thing that might be affecting your ability to forgive yourself is if it is still a big secret in your life. Who knows about this in your real life? Is it a secret you keep from everyone close to you? Even your fiance? Sometimes a big part of self acceptance entails sharing your secrets with someone else. People who love and accept you, will still love and accept you even when you disclose this secret to them. I think seeing other peoples love and acceptance of you will help you realize that you are not a bad person. If you absolutely can't bring yourself to tell anyone in your close circle of people than I think a counsellor might be in order. Why did you say not to suggest counselling? What's wrong with counselling?

[suki1]

Thank you for that it's helpful to have the positives pointed out

 

I don't like the idea of counselling in this case because of the thought of someone else looking at me like I'm dirt, or almost as bad, pretending they understand when they quite likely have no clue.

 

Some people, my partner and a couple of friends know. As you said, they don't appear to judge me for it. But it keeps going further, like my best friend told his girlfriend and sometimes she just drops it into conversation in a really judgmental way. What makes it worse she's been in a relationship with a guy who had a partner too, but somehow feels that we should all feel sorry for her yet judge me because my ex was married and hers wasn't. Stuff like this just brings it all back to the surface and reminds me of the hurt I have caused and the hurt I could have caused. Also in a previous job a friend there knew. She told another girl whose dad had left when she was small to be with his OW. After that the tension at work eventually led to me leaving. So I also worry about losing my career sometime in the future due to this if it comes out again which puts me off talking about it to anyone except in this sort of way.

[jwi71]

Have you forgiven your bf for HIS A?

 

Why or why not?

[suki1]

Oh definitely. To be honest I don't think there's even anything to forgive. Why? I suppose in part because she was obviously and openly playing him off against her other bf. They were quite young and one of the things she used to do was keep changing her relationship status so the other always knew who she counted as her "real" bf now. So I suppose because he was young as well, he was 19. Also because as far as I can see he has learnt from it and would never do it again. Also because he is honest about it with me, not that I'm dishonest with him, he knows everything and can ask any question he likes and get an honest response I just don't share the anger I feel towards myself really, or at least not the full extent of it. And I think that's because I believe his response would be in some ways worried that I still have feelings for my ex.

[alexandria35]

Thank you for that it's helpful to have the positives pointed out

 

I don't like the idea of counselling in this case because of the thought of someone else looking at me like I'm dirt, or almost as bad, pretending they understand when they quite likely have no clue.

 

Some people, my partner and a couple of friends know. As you said, they don't appear to judge me for it. But it keeps going further, like my best friend told his girlfriend and sometimes she just drops it into conversation in a really judgmental way. What makes it worse she's been in a relationship with a guy who had a partner too, but somehow feels that we should all feel sorry for her yet judge me because my ex was married and hers wasn't. Stuff like this just brings it all back to the surface and reminds me of the hurt I have caused and the hurt I could have caused. Also in a previous job a friend there knew. She told another girl whose dad had left when she was small to be with his OW. After that the tension at work eventually led to me leaving. So I also worry about losing my career sometime in the future due to this if it comes out again which puts me off talking about it to anyone except in this sort of way.

 

A counsellor will not look at you like you are dirt or judge you for actions in your past. If they did then they wouldn't be qualified to be counsellors. As for pretending to understand, I don't know if its fair for you to say that. People can understand things without having to live the exact situation. I haven't had an affair but I have been in a relationship with a lying manipulator so I can understand how one can get sucked into something like that.

 

You are afraid of people's judgement but judgemental people are a part of life. We are all judgemental, some to a greater extent than others. There is no way to avoid this but we can't go through life being afraid of what others think about us or we will never be happy. As for what happened at work let that be another lesson learned. Don't tell your secrets at work. Keep your professional life and your personal life seperate. Also be careful that you're not letting your own self judgement cloud your perceptions of all situations. Is it possible that sometimes you feel that you are being judged when that is really not the case? And if someone does judge you for your affair is it really that big a deal to you? I mean in the big picture of your life how does someone elses judgements really have anything to do with you and your personal happiness? You have learned from your experience and you know this isn't something you will ever do again, now you just need to forgive yourself and move on. If someone else can't appreciate that you have changed and learned and let it go then that is not your problem. You can't control how other people feel, all you can do is accept that you won't be loved by everyone you meet, but that doesn't matter so long as you love yourself.

[scatterd]

We all make mistakes in our life and we all our sinners

thats why Jesus died on the cross for us. You have changed your life and learned from it. Forgive yourself its over and wont happen again. Ask for forgiveness and you are forgiven. I am not a church freak but I am a believer. We all have something to learn and so do you and did you. Move on with your life and be happy when this is mentioned again just say lets drop the subject I dint want to talk about it. Over done with gone.

I wish you peace

[jwi71]

Oh definitely. To be honest I don't think there's even anything to forgive. Why? I suppose in part because she was obviously and openly playing him off against her other bf. They were quite young and one of the things she used to do was keep changing her relationship status so the other always knew who she counted as her "real" bf now. So I suppose because he was young as well, he was 19. Also because as far as I can see he has learnt from it and would never do it again. Also because he is honest about it with me, not that I'm dishonest with him, he knows everything and can ask any question he likes and get an honest response I just don't share the anger I feel towards myself really, or at least not the full extent of it. And I think that's because I believe his response would be in some ways worried that I still have feelings for my ex.

 

Why can you NOT apply those very same things to yourself?

 

From the outside looking in, there is NO difference in your role as OW and your BF's as OM.

 

None.

 

You each willingly engaged in a R with persons already in an R.

 

Yet he is worthy of forgiveness and you are not.

 

Why?

 

This is the question YOU need to ask yourself ( ok, last time, but ask an IC as well).

[sleepie]

Afraid I have no real advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I experience daily self-loathing because of my A.

 

I'm not as far along as you. I certainly hope that 2 years down the road I've learned to forgive myself a little more. But who knows? I tend to be hard on myself.

 

As trite as it sounds, try to forgive yourself. I think self-loathing tends to lead us down dangerous paths of self destruction.

[Quiet Storm]

You sound remorseful and accountable for your actions.

 

You did not act in line with your values and you are ashamed of that. However, dwelling on it is not going to make it go away.

 

You are punishing yourself. Consider your time served. Instead, use that time in your life as a measure of your personal growth. You did not use good judgment at that time, but you have learned from that.

 

Some free behaviorial therapy and self talk:

 

1) Everytime you think about or dwell on these past choices, close your eyes and envision a stop sign. I use this method and tell my kids to do this whenever they are dwelling on negative or scary thoughts. Think to yourself "Stop!" and then replace that thought with something else. I like thinking about laying on the beach with the waves crashing and sun shining. My 8 year old son thinks about the Drogba penalty kick during the Chelsea Championship. My daughter thinks about Twilight and Taylor Lautner. If you consistently do this, you will train your brain and you will find yourself dwelling less and less.

 

2) Another option is to allow yourself to dwell and think about these issues, but only for a set amount of time. For example, you would tell yourself "I'm going to assign 20 minutes today for these issues, from 8-8:20pm. Then during the day, if you find yourself thinking about it, immediately tell yourself "NO! I will not think about this until 8pm!" and push those thoughts away and find something to keep you busy. Keep doing this every time it pops up. Then at 8:00, allow yourself to dwell. Bombard yourself with negative talk, but only for twenty minutes. After you do this every day you will begin to see that these negative thoughts are pointless. Once you set aside a time for it, it allows you to see how unproductive and time wasting these thoughts really are.

[2sure]

You can forgive yourself . You can freely give yourself permission to move on from this.

 

You made a mistake. You rectified it. You learned from it. You've grown from it.

 

It's called Experience. You cannot avoid it and you have to have it. Of all the lessons we learn in life...those that are the results of our mistakes are the hardest but most important.

[suki1]

Thank you guys this has really helped hearing other people's perspectives and advice. I really needed it. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, haven't had a chance before now. I hope I can be just as helpful to other people in time

[suki1]

I just thought it might be worth answering a couple of questions people have posed. First, I still don't know why I didn't say no when I found out he was married. Every answer to that question that I can think of sound like justifications and excuses, like being young, having just come out of my first long term relationship and being vulnerable and him being manipulative,which I am trying to stay away from because using them means not taking full responsibility for my actions. I may have been young but I was still an adult. I may have been vulnerable but I was neither stupid nor friendless so I could've gained support elsewhere. He may have been manipulative but my best friend saw it and so should I have.

 

Why is my partner worthy of forgiveness and I am not? The honest answer is I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else and also other people hear his story and feel sorry for him but when they hear mine they look at me with disgust which fuels the self-hate. Yes I know my reaction comes from low self-esteem and a general anxious-avoidant relationship style, which I try to work on. On that note, thank you QuietStorm for reminding me how positive self talk applies in this situation. Funny how those of us with jobs in this area struggle to practice what we preach at times, and thank you jwi71 for your support and helpful questioning which helped me remember that whatever anyone else thinks, I don't hate other people for doing similar thing so why should I hate myself? That doesn't mean I value other peoples advice and support any less in that I haven't mentioned you, thank to everyone, it's so good to hear other people's response and it be non-judgmental in character. thank you x