Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

[She's Come Undone]

I am interested in hearing from Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. I guess I just have a few questions...

 

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now?

 

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse?

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely?

 

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated?

 

Ok, that's all for now!

[miz_barby]

This is an interesting post....I'm glad someone started a post like this.

 

As I write this so far there hasn't been any responses but since my response will be long there will probably be a bunch before I finish.

 

I was sexually abused when I was a young child, a male neighbor of ours who was married and had older boys who were my older sister's age, they were almost grown like 10 years older than me. Anyway I didn't have a father figure in my life and he took me under his wing, I would hang out around his garage while he worked on cars and did whatever around his house like yard work or whatever. My Mom was a single mom and didn't see him as a bad guy, he would babysit when my sister was gone and mom needed to run to the store and stuff, no one ever saw anything wrong with that back then but now thankfully people look more closely at men who like and volunteer to watch young kids.

 

Anyway we were always alone, I would run with him and jog, he would buy me things, food, small toys, little things like that. I would frequently spend days watching movies with him and at first he didn't do anything to me. Well it turned out that he molested me a total of 4 times. I felt so guilty the first time that I stayed away and I felt like it was all my fault. I didn't go near him again until my family started asking me questions. They would ask me why I hadn't been over to see him (for me being around him before this was an everyday thing) I was like "daddy's little girl" but him being just a neighbor not blood.

 

I was afraid they would figure something (and like I said I felt it was "my" fault) so I ended up going over there a few more times and each time he did it! The last time I hadn't seen him in like 6 months and my mom told me to go tell him "bye" because we were moving and I'd never see him again (little did she know I was elated that we were moving) I didn't wanna go and cried begging her not to make me. Clearly since she didn't know she told me it was bad manners since he had done so much for me over the years!!

 

Long story short I went, this time he took it farther and tried to get "in" me and thank God that he heard a noise and turned me loose. I ran as fast as I could home, fell almost broke my nose and ran straight into my sister's arms! I wanted to scream to her what had been done to me but I didn't have the courage so she assumed it was because I had fallen and was bleeding. Thankfully that night we moved and I never saw him again.

 

Years went by and I never told anyone I remembered but didn't think it affected me. I started skipping school, acting out, being angry and eventually tried to kill myself. My Mom had me put in a behavior center (basically a mental hospital) I got therapy and told them what happened but being young I didn't take advantage of the help like now I wish I had.

 

I "still" feel guilty to this day and it is making my heart burn in my chest and my eyes water with tears as I type this now. I wish there was someway to understand if and how it's affected my life in the past.

I acted out with older men back in the day when I was between the age of 14-16 but I finally got it together and learned self respect and self worth and self esteem but I know that I could probably benefit from therapy now but I don't want to go through all that now.

 

I know that I look skeptically at a lot of grown men, I don't have children but I swear if I did I would "not" trust them with "anyone" I fear I would even be fearful of the man I had the children with. I don't know if this is normal but I hope that those skeptical feelings subside over time.

 

I know I haven't been very helpful with this post but that is my story and my insight! I think when a person is ready and able enough therapy would really help to control the feelings but I don't know if someone ever really "heals" from this!

[miz_barby]

I forgot to add in the last post that the one thing I wish is that my family had really noticed the change in me and I wish they would have been persistant about trying to get me to tell them what was wrong!

 

I would never admit this to them but if they would have just tried a little more I would have opened up. I know they had "no" idea what had happened and had "no" way of knowing so they are no way at fault but if I could have opened up when it all happened I can't help but feel my life would have been different. I wonder if I'm wrong for feeling this way???

[HokeyReligions]

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?

I forced my husband to seek counseling when I found out how bad the abuse was. He has been in and out of counseling for years, dealing with the abuse on a personal level and with our marriage. I have gone to marriage counseling with him and the abuse plays a big part.

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now?

Yes he, we both, can. No self-esteem. No self-confidence. Failure to stick to anything or follow-through with things. Inability to make a decision and stand firm. Hatred of women. Does not adapt to change. Anger. Resentment. Fear of hurting oneself. Cutting himself off from emotion – including positive emotion. Not allowing himself to really be happy because deep down he still does not feel like he deserves it. I could go on, but it would take pages and pages and pages. Our marriage has suffered and we are divorcing partly because of his past abuse and his inability to grow some cojones and be a man and deal with his life NOW. I know that sounds crude, but its time he stood on his own and used the tools and the love he has experienced for the last 20+ years. That is the only way he will ever be able to be the man he wants to be.

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse?

It helped him cope with some aspects. He reconciled with his mother after 25 years, and his father disowned him when he did that. He KNOWS intellectually that his father’s absence is a good thing and is not a reflection on HIM, but on his father. It still hurts him sometimes though.

 

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely?

Some say that it is, but I don’t believe it. I think it has more to do with the types of abuse and by whom, and how long it lasted.

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated?

Yes. I have stopped him from treating the kids the way he was and he was aware of it, so he avoided the verbal and emotional abuse for the most part. He came near to beating our daughter when she was a baby and I was there to step in. He never actually touched her or shook her or anything, but he probably would have if he had been alone with her at the time. That is when I first realized how serious he problems are and I got him help. He did not see the kids until he had things under control and had a place/emergency phone number to call should he ever feel that he needed to spank or discipline. He used it once and our daughter was safe. His using that outlet and knowing he did the right thing was miraculous for him. It was the first time he ever felt good about himself—he made the RIGHT decision and protected our daughter and our family. I was so PROUD of him then! More importantly – HE was proud of HIMSELF. The positive reinforcement was that our daughter was not harmed.

 

It’s funny. Part of the therapy that the doctor prescribed was for him to go to a park and watch the little children playing. Just watch them laugh and have fun and to realize that those children did not deserve the abuse (disguised as punishment and training) that was heaped on him. Then to realize that he did not deserve it either.

 

He tried that one time and a cop told him to leave because someone complained about the man watching kids!

[She's Come Undone]

About a week before I went for my sleep study I read this. I was curious if my sleep problems could possibly be related to child abuse. It was amazing to read this, as I could identify in more ways than one...

 

<Removed copyrighted material>

 

I actually think I was stunned when I finished. I had already been to different drs. for several of these symptoms and here I was going to yet another. Got me thinking I'm going about it from the wrong side.

 

Thank you miz_barby for sharing your pain. I wish it was as easy to tell then as it is now. I'm not sure even if I had been pressured enough then if I would have opened up.

 

More tomorrow!

[miz_barby]

Wow that is eye opening! I can sadly relate to some of those things on the list! Actually a lot of them except std's *thank God* and prostitution and a few other ones on the list!

 

I can't believe these are symptoms of childhood sexual abuse, looking at this...well it kind of makes sense.

 

Anyway as I mentioned before I'm glad someone started a post like this!

[She's Come Undone]

Sorry it's taken me awhile, as I type I'm still trying to decide what I want to include, how to even start, etc. Maybe I'll just start and figure it out along the way!

 

I think my first memory of my life was moving day, age three. My parents wouldn't let me take my favorite doll. This doll walked with me when I held it's hand, I loved it. Apparently it's hair and eyelashes were falling out, to me only more proof of how much I loved it. I remember crying.

 

Childhood: I don't know when it started, but my father started verbally, emotionally, pysch. abusing me, and sex. abusing my brother. My brother in turn psych., physically and sex. abused me. It ended for me around age 14-15, shortly after we had my father arrested and taken from the home (he had held a gun to my brother's head.) He was not to see us for 2? years, but manipulated his way back for visits occasionally. The last time I saw him, at 20, he tried to molest me. Last time we talked was 6 years ago.

 

I think I've dealt with the issues between my brother and I, I think my father's scarred me for life, and I think I still have resentment towards my mother. She worked all different hours, leaving my b and I home alone too often.

 

My perception of my youth may be distorted, but I look back and saw it as all painful memories, full of people who always end up hurting me, still to this very day. I'm scared to let anyone into my life. I'm looking for Mr. Right, but all I get are proposals from married men, or guy's who try and guilt me into going out with them by saying "just as friends" when I tell them I'm not interested. My last best friend just ended our relationship when she decided to date my ex-boyfriend, and we all work in the same dept. Essentially she is making me relive my rollercoaster relationship with him, like when they went on vacation together to the same place we did.

 

Anyways, I feel like I won't find happiness until I conquer my past and break the pattern I keep repeating...like sleeping with a guy WAY to early in the relationship. I'm going to print out the handbook on this website and try it. Worth a shot!

 

http://www.ascasupport.org

 

Quickly, here are some symptoms I'd like to see vanish...social anxiety, depression, excessive daytime sleepiness, inability to stand up for myself, insecurity in decision-making, etc.

 

Sorry so long, hope it's coherent! There's so much I didn't know what to include/not.

[miz_barby]

social anxiety, depression, excessive daytime sleepiness, inability to stand up for myself, insecurity in decision-making, etc.

 

I swear I dealt and sometimes still deal with the same "symptoms"!!! I have social anxiety really bad when I'm in a place with new people that I have to talk to face to face with! I think insecurity is something that I'll deal with forever also, it has gotten a lot easier over time. Sometimes it takes a long time to get over these things but it can be done! I'm so sorry you had to go through and are still dealing with this. Your story is so terrible, I'm glad you were able to work through this, my situation pales in comparission to your's but none the less a book that really helped me was "The Courage To Heal" workbook. It took me awhile to get through it but it really has helped me through understanding my feelings and in all ways just basically made me feel better. Here is a link to the book and a description of it.

courage to heal *description*

[YellowLioness]

I was verbally abused as a child, but there is alot of my child hood that I've thankfully blocked out. Those symptoms you mentioned are really familliar. I'm sleepy constantly at work. I have a VERY low sex drive with my current partner, and I'm very attracted to him, actually. I was terrified of men until I was like, 18. I was SO scared, in fact, that I thought I was gay my entire span of highschool.

I'm bi-polar, and actually I do get sick fairly often... asthma and colds and the like. I tend to be pretty reclusive when I'm around people I don't know. It just feels like I am some how different from other people, and that they can see that blaringly when I am outgoing.

 

 

Wow...

 

This was really... enlightening in a less then positive way... but enlightening none the less.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by She's Come Undone

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?

 

Yes.

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now?

 

Somewhat.

 

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse?

 

Greatly.

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely?

 

No.

 

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated?

 

Very much so.

[She's Come Undone]

I'm ready to call, but I am wondering what kind of therapist should I seek?

 

This Provigil to stay awake seems to be making me even more sleepy. I am exHAUSted right now, my eyes won't focus and I've gotten nothing done at work all week!!

[She's Come Undone]

Well, I finally gave in and got an appointment to the counselor I had about 4.5 years ago. Saw her yesterday.

 

Going to a therapist the first time is much like throwing up. You just want to get it all out and let them sort through it and figure out what made you "ill." LOL

 

As I was getting it all out, she mentioned bipolar, some OC behaviors, and something I never even thought about, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said to look it up and read about it. She also suggested some meds and a supplement for my daytime sleepiness. She doesn't prescribe so I would have to see my general phys., which he'll have no problem with any Rx's.

 

It's so shocking how sensitive I still am after 17 years. I broke down a couple of times. I knew it was still there in my mind because of some dreams I still have, but I thought I was for the most part over it.

 

This will be a good journey I feel. I look forward to being healthy!

[alicia24]

I am an adult survivor of child molestation. I was nine years old and I will remember those three times it happened and every single detail for the rest of my life and it sucks.

I have never sought help although i am considering

I have a lot of trust issues and issues with sex and i know it is a direct result of my childhood trauma

[DacaInaru]

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse? Yes I have for many years

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now? Absolutely it is only recently that I have been able to come to terms with the fact that I was not responsible for the abuse and that I am worthy of being treated well.

 

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse? it didn't help diminish them but it helped me to deal with them in a more productive manner..

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely? Its possible to close the wounds however they will always be a part of ones life.

 

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated? Yes!!! I talk with my daughter, I have been honest with her about my own abuse and try my hardest to keep the lines of communication open. I Know that I can not protect her 100% but I can sure and heck try to protect 100%. She hopefully knows that she can trust me and if anything ever happens my hope is that she will be quick in coming to talk to me abou it..

[She's Come Undone]

I am on Wellbutrin now, but my doc says we'll probably need to add Effexor or Zoloft to increase the brain chemicals that Wellbutrin does not.

 

Therapy is fine, it's still in the divulging information stage. I'm a pretty impatient person so I get down sometimes if I don't have a "productive" session. It's also hard not knowing what direction she's going to take. The other thing that surprises me is when something I'm talking about brings about a whole new memory, not just a one-time instance, but a whole time frame that something was going on. I had that experience last time, two different sets of memories.

 

Does anyone have all these memories, but no clue about the time frame? I couldn't at this point write anything down because I have no idea at which ages these things happened!

 

Oh, well, upward and onward!

[Moose]

Does anyone have all these memories, but no clue about the time frame? I couldn't at this point write anything down because I have no idea at which ages these things happened!

 

I was on vacation last week, but most of you know that I had an abusive childhood. It's funny that you would ask that question about time frame. I took most of the beatings for my siblings.....they can remember what happened 20 years ago last Wednesday, I can't remember anything before I was 17 years old. It's strange that when my brother or sisters brings something up, I can remember it happening.....but I couldn't tell you when or even how old I was.

 

1. I never went to counceling. When I left home I was 15 years old, about to turn 16. I had already worked enough summer jobs that I had my car already. I had to get a job, and finish school so I didn't seek a councelor. There have been times that I talked to other adults about what happened, but only to explain why I didn't live at home at such a young age.

 

2. Yes, I can see how it affects my life now. Mainly it's when I'm faced with confrontations. I mean personal confrontations.....I usually back down out of fear, BUT, I found that if anyone confronts my Wife or Children that I can turn into a dangerous force. There are other affects......but they're so subtle I rarely dwell on them. My Wife could probably answer this question better that I could.

 

3. Again, I didn't seek counceling. But I found that talking about it to my Wife or to her Dad, that it helped me to realize that I may not of had a good upbringing, but the things that happened to me, the abuse, will allow me to help others through my own experiences. The symptoms will always be there, but it's how you deal with them, or even use them to help others that really counts.

 

4. No. It will always be a part of my life. I can deal with it though.

 

5. Yes I do. I have never used my fists, or my hand EVER on my children. I've let my Wife beat the crap out of me when I came home drunk over and over and she finally got tired of it. Even drunk and beat up, I never raised my hand to her, and she will testify to that. I try to discipline my kids using other means. By taking away that which is important to them. It's just like the best way to hurt a rich man is to take all of his money away. I am struggling with my 16 year old though. He seems to have lost all respect and has forgotten who the head of the household is, but I'm gathering that it's a teenager thing. All of these things make me think of how I was raised and what I could do to make the situation better.

 

Do be perfectly honest with you, I've never had a father figure in my life long enough to grasp the idea of how one should be. The abuse that I've went through had taught me how NOT to be. Based on that and scripture, and the love of my Father-in-law, I think all and all I'm doing a good job.

[supermom]

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?

 

yes, when I was a child into my teens

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now? Yes, I don't trust men in general

 

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse? not really, I didn't like to rehash everything at the time.

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely? I don't know.

 

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated? Definetly.

 

I was sexually abused by stepdad(s) from age 5 to age 12. The first man told me (at age 5) that if I told, her would kill my mom and sister. I never told my mom about the abuse and eventually she left him when I was about 8.

 

8 -12 Had a stepdad that abused me from the beginning. Again, I was told that I would not be believed and probably put in foster care if I told. I was scared and didn't say anything until one late night...

 

Him and my mom were having a terrible domestic fight. My sister and I shared a room and we could hear them yelling, breaking glass, etc. Finally I called my mom into the room and just blurted it out. You know what she did? Immediately left my room and called the police. She then called me into her room. Alot of crying. I remember going out to the living room and proudly told him that I told. I ran back into her room with him following. He came in with a bottle of pills and asked me "have you ever seen any one kill themselves?" and poured a handfull of pills into his mouth and proceeded to take another handfull. I don't know why, but I hit his hand and the other pills went everywhere. Within minutes he went into a coma in our livingroom.

 

My mom made us visit him in the hospital - why I never knew. I hated him. I wanetd him to die that night. I was only 12 but had delt with abuse basically since my parents divorced. I remember when I was about 7 my mom and dad asked me one night (I guess had noticed a change, I don't know) and I lied and said I wasn't being abused, because the abuser had threatend her life.

 

When I was 21 I had an opportunity to face my 2nd stepdad (pill man) in a counceling room so he could "apologize" as part of his counceling. I heard also he was remarried [/b]with a stepdaughter that was around my age at the time (12). the bastard as it was only served 6 months in jail. I almost went to this meeting, only to cuss him out, but I ended up not going.

 

I am 25 now and one decision I have made as a result of this, is that if anything happened to my husband and I, weather it be death or divorce, I will stay single, and will never get married again. I do not want my daughter to ever have a step dad, because I know that man will never love her like her father does, plus I don't want to go through the guilt my mom has had to live with all these years.

 

I finally told my mom about the first man after the 2nd stepdad story came out.

 

Thats my story

[Moose]

Supermom,

 

That must of been difficult for you to type. I feel for you. Thanks for sharing with us.

 

I understand how you feel about not wanting to re marry should anything happen to your husband. But do you think that would be fair to say someone who truly would love you and your children and raise them as his own, especially if he couldn't have children?

 

It's terrible that your step-father destroyed your faith in men, but what of your husband? You trust him? I'm just asking questions because I'm curious, I don't mean to bring your past up.

 

Thanks in advance

[Touch_of_Naughtiness]

Wow........ I have total respect for all of you that went through such atrocious things. I know that I could never know how it feels because I have never been in your situation, but I do feel for you. I do not know what made me read this thread (I have just passed other ones by) but I am happy I did. It has made me appreciate my life. It's so weird how things like this can open people's eyes, I guess that's why there are sites like this one!

 

Good Luck to all.

 

Much Love

[kirkyswife]

1. Have you sought, or think you will seek, counseling for the abuse?

I am currently in talk therapy. I think there will come a time where I will need to seek a group setting . I am consumed with anger, hurt, confusion, disgust, embarrassment and disgust over my 30 years of emotional, mental and physical abuse. The physical abuse at the hands of my father ended when I was in the 10th grade - although when I was 20 he did strangle me during a discussion I was having with my mother that had absolutely NOTHING to do with him - that is the last time I lived under the same roof with him and that was just 12 years ago.

 

2. Can you see the ways that the past abuse affects your life now?

Absolutely, I lack self confidence. Have no self esteem. Haven't figured out my career path; have never finished a single thing I have ever started. I possess both of my parents negative personality traits - strong willed, controlling, condescending, opinionated, judgmental, life of the party from my father/ drama queen, poor me mentality, needy, moody, insecure from my mother.

 

3. If you have sought counseling, did it help to diminish the symptoms of childhood abuse?

NO - I don't know what the hell is going to help me. I'm battling and I can't seem to get over it. I want them to acknowledge they screwed me up but that's not going to help me out - maybe it will erase some of the damage caused by their telling others that I was just crazy instead of accepting responsibility for their actions. They tell people that I am just making things up, that I've internalized my friends' drama - Real Talk - my parents don't acknowledge anything from my childhood and I'm left (with my sister to back me up) defending myself against their lies.

 

4. Is it possible to heal completely?

I hope so. I have to believe that it is possible because if not, I'm going to fail at life and I can't allow them that power in my life. I intend to heal and live a positive productive life - I just need help getting there.

 

5. Do you treat your own children, if any, the way you SHOULD have been treated?

I don't have children, but I'm scared to death of inflicting that kind of pain on anyone let alone a little helpless person. I want to be everything my parents weren't. I want my child's respect as much as I intend to respect my child. I want to be the mother I didn't have and I want my future husband to be the father mine wasn't. I want to break the cycle. I know for a fact that I will have a hard time punishing my children as my punishments were excessive, embarrassing and down right illegal. I'm afraid of being a parent because I'm afraid to have a child until I have learned to cope with my childhood - I can't let my past rule my life and dictate the person that I am to my future family. I won't bring baggage to my family - I have to be able to be the best mother I possibly can.

[moimeme]

Have you given EMDR a try?

[kirkyswife]

Hi Moi - I don't know what EMDR is - did I miss something?

[moimeme]

It almost sounds like snake-oil - except it works! I asked a very well-respected PTSD therapist in town what she thought of it and she told me she uses it and it does work. She doesn't use it exclusively, but it definitely seems effective. People are still trying to figure out why and some of the theories are really intriguing. It might be worth a look into.

 

http://www.emdr.com/

[kirkyswife]

Thanks Moi - I'm open to anything that will heal my soul! I honestly want to find peace with this so we shall see.

[moimeme]

Just a note - it's been a while since I've visited the site. They've put up a ton of connections to research which has been done on EMDR since - really reputable stuff!