Restless in "perfect" life, need to change outlook

[Braingirl]

OK, I need advice about correcting my mental outlook/attitude.

 

I've been married to a great guy that I love for almost 5 years. We have two little kids, a great home, etc. He's very affectionate, caring, thoughtful, etc. I've even been able to stay home with the kids, and while I've sometimes missed the paycheck and adult contact that come with working, I've been grateful to have the chance to raise my kids myself. In short, nothing on the surface to complain about.

 

The problem seems to be me. I've been growing steadily more unhappy with my life over the last few years. My husband encourages me to get out, meet people, get a hobby, etc, but the few times I tried, it didn't work out well. I was unhappy for a while because I was overweight from having the kids, but I joined a gym, lost the weight and now am in the best shape of my life. I finally decided to go to grad school; I figured that I'd meet new people, get out, learn some things and then be in a better hiring position when the kids are finally in school full-time. The plan made so much sense, and I'll be starting back to school in the fall (I even got offered a job in the dept because of my strong application, so I'm going to try to juggle that with the kids and "have it all," so to speak).

 

But lately, I think there's a bigger problem. See, when I was in high school and college, I was a serial monogamist, and codependent to boot (thanks to the parents and their emotional baggage). I was the "perfect girlfriend" for a handful of guys. When I met my husband, I was coming off a 3-year disaster relationship and had decided just to date casually and have some fun, but he was so amazing that we ended up getting engaged after 5 months of dating. I pretty much went right from college to marriage and never had the "young, single, carefree" life in which I could support myself, develop myself without a guy around, etc. I know that, while my husband is great, I was swept up at the time with the fairy tale wedding and all that. But now I feel like I missed out on something huge, and that I'm paying for it with restlessness and feelings of being incomplete.

 

To top it all off, I have a crush. And it's on one of the guys I dated for a year and a half in high school. He and I got back into touch at a mutual friend's wedding about a year ago, and we've been emailing on and off (he lives 1500 miles from me). We hang out a couple of times a year. He's a great guy who, unlike my husband, is downright brilliant academically and shares my particular sense of humor. And he's at his best in writing, so emailing is filtering out any flaws that he has in real life (I know logically that he has them, but my imagination is ignoring the intangible reality). I starting having dreams about him at night (sexual ones, of course), even though he and I never had sex when we dated. I'd never cheat on my husband (and even if I wanted to, the guy in question wouldn't do it), but the feelings are still there.

 

I told my husband about the crush, and while he doesn't understand it, he thinks it's cute (he's really understanding and secure). But the crush has gone on now for like 6 months, and I worry that it won't go away. It's made me question all kinds of things about myself and my life: did I get married too fast? Am I restless in my life because I don't love my husband as much as he loves me, even though he's perfect "on paper" (is the presence of a "more perfect" person illustrating that)? Am I gonna look back at my life 20 years from now and think I did something wrong with it? That's one of my greatest fears: I don't want to screw up the one life I get.

 

I know logically that I can't change lots of things about my life. I love my hubby and kids and want to be with them (even if my husband might have made a better friend than a spouse, in retrospect). I mostly need to know how to get these restless feelings (and the crush) to go away. I've tried positive thinking, focusing on the best things, etc, but the minute I let my guard down, the other stuff comes back. My husband says he wants me to be happy no matter what (we've talked about all this at length). But I'm just now going back to school, I don't have an income or anything of my own, and even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't. And I don't want to, at least not long-term. I wish I could just stop time and take a 6-month hiatus to live alone, date casually and learn myself, but that's not gonna happen.

 

So how do I let go of the past stuff and just face forward? I'd appreciate any advice you have for dealing with my issues. Thanks so much.

[choke]

I feel you. I got married at 21 to my first 'true love'. I missed out on the whole youth thing as well. Guess what?

 

You cant have that back, no matter what. How can you have that back as a mother? What are you really missing that you're trying to get back. How are you going to get that back with some other guy's **** in you?

 

Harsh? I hope so, 'cause that's gonna be the reality of it. You need to stay waway from that guy or anyone else who you may have feelings for. 'Cause you're mind WILL try to convince you to mess around. That's how we're wired. Don't allow yourself to be in that type of situation in the forst palace, and you'll be OK.

 

And don't worry about what you 'missed out' on. Worry about where you should be at THIS stage of your life and focus on making THAT stage the best it can be.

 

Otherwise you'll try to be 20 at 25, try to be 25 at 30, try to be 30 at 35, all of a sudden you wated your whole life playing 'catch up'

 

Don't do that. I did that and wasted my whole 20's. I refuse to waste anymore of my life playing that game.

[Moose]

You are still in the infant stages of your marriage. And a lot of us has been where you are now. Things change and there isn't much you can do about it. Sure, you're going to have, "What if" feelings, What if I would've dated longer and had more fun? What if I had a relationship with so and so? What if I just write to him? What if I just sleep with him once? What if I just clear up the infection and deny sex with my husband? See where this could wind up going?

 

If I counted how many what ifs I had during my marriage, I'd go nutts!!! My main what if's have been more like, what if I had never asked her out? She would be much better off? It's crazy for me to think that because I'm not her. My wife claims that she wouldn't be with anyone else even after death. WOW!!

 

Anyway. You will feel a little jealous about missing out on those stages of life where you discover yourself. But now you have the opportunity to make something of yourself with your family. Don't worry about the past, leave this guy alone that's 1500 miles away, and somehow focus on your husband and his sexual needs, rediscover what you felt was so great about him.

 

Good luck to you and your family!!!

Moose

[Braingirl]

Thanks for the advice... Although I'm not sure where you got the idea that I'm not seeing to my husband's "sexual needs"... I don't have a problem with my husband at all. He's a wonderful person, and I do love him, and we have very satisfying sex several times a week (and with two little kids, I think we're pretty lucky in that regard!). I just don't feel the "spark" for him sometimes, and I wonder if I ever did, or if the spark I thought I felt was just the whirlwind courtship/romance/fairy tale thing.

 

I do try to focus on the present. I strive every day to make sure that any weirdnesses in my own emotions don't negatively impact my marriage or kids. I just want to stop feeling like this. I guess it'll just take time, since no one (here or elsewhere) has really been able to offer advice beyond "let go of the past regrets," without actually telling me how to do that.

 

But thanks for your support and help... Have a wonderful week...

[yes]

Actually, I don't think all's lost. I know a lady who is married with three children, and now that the kids are old enough not to need her constant attention, she goes out ALL the time (precisely b/c she wants to make up for getting married too early!). She doesn't cheat on her husband (she says she's happily married, in fact), but she has a lot of friends with whom she goes out to dance, to play sports, to various events - i can't even remember everything she does... she's out almost every night!

 

I asked her how on earth she takes care of her family with such a schedule, and she said it's not too difficult - she still spends time w/ her hubby on weekends; the kids are old enough to cook if she prepares the ingredients and leaves a note.... I don't know how it all works out in reality, but she seems quite happy with herself and her life.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Jacksin]

I think all of us would like to do some things different IF we were able to have our time over again, but we CANT so you must go forward. Looking over your shoulder at what happened yesterday and what could have been will drive you nuts in the end. I wonder if you have too much idle time on your hands (even though you have kids) and spend it day dreaming.

 

I think you are extremely lucky to have a husband who accepts your 'crush' , if it were me I would put my foot down and demand you break contact immediately with this other bloke and face reality, or ship out!

 

I think you should get some counceling rather than ask everyone, waiting to hear a solution you will like.

Jack

[Braingirl]

I am actually in the process of finding a counselor... I emailed with one last week, but in the course of four emails, she managed to ignore half of what I said (like, I said I was not available on Tuesdays to meet, so she said, "What about Tuesday?"), so I didn't feel comfortable continuing with her. I'm going out of town this week, but when I get back, hunting down a therapist is a priority.

 

I'm not waiting for an answer I like... I just want an answer of any kind. I KNOW I should stop looking back. I WANT to look forward. But it's like it takes all of my concentration, all day long, to do that. I'm exhausted. I want to get over this crap once and for all. I'm tired of random mental images, confusions, longings, etc popping into my head when I least expect them, like when I'm reading to my kids or cooking dinner.

 

I guess therapy is the only answer at this point, since everyone is able to tell me what to do but not how to do it. Maybe someone with a degree in telling people how to do things can be a better help.

 

By the way, crushes are 100% normal. Most people have them. It's whether you act on them that's important. I just think I've had mine for too long, and it bugs me. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a problem... it's like having an active fantasy life. It's healthy, as long as you don't actually do anything. Most people don't bother mentioning them to their significant others, but I just felt like I should. And my husband says he's glad I did.

[CurlyIam]

I know the restless feeling! God, when reading your post I thought, hey, that was me!

 

That was me before!

 

Ok, update: you are in the middle of a whole lot of changes: first, you've got you looks back! That's boost in every woman's ego. It's the confidence and the sudden attention that put you off track!

 

Combine this with the decision to go to school. The future of a career! You're flying here! You see yourself as a CEO in no time! But this is not how things go in the real life!

 

 

I too lost (permenantly) 4 kg three summers ago. I too wanted to "check and see if the grass was greener". I found out that while the nice feeling of being wanted was a very pleasant one, the reality was that all the drolling other men were seeing in me was just sex! Have the maturity to realize that beside the nice words in the email, it it the thrill that both of you are looking for! I took a break that summer from my bf and started going out. I have kissed another man and after it I wanted to go home and cry! Maybe it's just me, but it killed me to be just... a doll. For casual dating means not really getting involved. That's why it's casual! It is the kiss allright, but not the emotion!

 

 

 

Oh, and school! Honey, if you want to do a good job, you'll need all the support you can get back home. Don't get carried away, focuss on it and be very methodical about it! Trust me, most of school is a war of nerves!

 

 

 

Again, I do understand your restlessness. It is normal. It is normal to be asking yourself questions! It is normal to reexamine yourself and those around you through your new self! This is a very big step in your life. It's a new phase!

 

My advice: follow jack's advice there and act maturily and responsably! There is nothing out there to be missed! It's more the thrill of the case than the chase in itsself, take it from someone who's out here. So get your mind right and start appreciating your husband! He sounds like a keeper!

 

Curly

 

P.S. I don't think I've mentioned that, but you don't seem to be having a choice! So you might just as well enjoy it!

[Thinkalot]

Hello...you sound very articulate and intelligent. It's good you are trying to sort through these feelings, and a counsellor will probably help.

 

I just wanted to add, that we ALL make choices, and miss out on something. The person with the wild carefree youth, missed out on the loving relationships you had...and the chance to grow and learn within your marriage and so on. They probably wanted what you had!

 

Life is full of trade-offs.

 

I'm learning to look forward myself! I am overcoming OCD (obsessive thinking) and have been so stuck on my fiance's past..his ex-wife and so on, and constantly comparing my earlier life to HIS!

 

Our lives were very different. I experienced things he did not, and he experienced things I did not. You can never have it all.

 

That might help you accept your choices more.

 

It's helped me. And my counsellor helped me see that too.

[moimeme]

You are deriving your fantasies about life 'out there' from TV and movies, not from real life. People do not live 'Sex and the City'. Read LS and you'll see what goes on. Serial heartbreak. Rejection. Loneliness. People wanting to date and finding nobody suitable. Are you salivating yet?

 

Forget the fantasy man. You are entering the 'companionship' stage of marriage. It can be, if you let it, the most wonderful and fulfilling stage of your life. You know each other wonderfully well - in every way. You are each other's teammates, supports, and partners. It doesn't get better than that.

 

The thrills you're looking for are the product of a bunch of hormones that rise for a time in our bodies when we're infatuated and then subside. You can get similar thrills from running, dancing, or other exercises - the famous 'highs' that athletes speak of. You'd do well to get addicted to one of those sorts of highs if you're looking for thrills.

 

You have to quit emailing the other guy and seeing him. As long as you keep him around, your brain will construct all the fantasies for you. You have to shut the door on him once and for all. I promise you, if you ditch your husband for some fantasized imagining of the joys of single life, you'll kick yourself all over the planet eventually for having been so foolish.

[Thinkalot]

Put simply I guess...the grass isn't really greener. It just seems that way when you stand on the other side sometimes.

[kizmet74]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Put simply I guess...the grass isn't really greener. It just seems that way when you stand on the other side sometimes.

 

I agree 100%. I'm on the opposite side of the fence than Braingirl. It's really no more fun on this side. Seems everyone always wants what they don't have. People would be so much happier if they learned to want what they do have.

 

I say lose the old boyfriend. You yourself admitted that you're filling your head with fantasies about him and filtering out any of his faults. You say your husband is perfect in every way, don't ruin a good thing with fantasies that someone else may be better. He most likely won't be. You did say y'all had dated in high school right? Why'd you break up with him to begin with?

[Braingirl]

The ex and I broke up because of college. We both went away to school, and our schools were about 7 hours apart (and he was 5 hours from home, I was 10). We'd talked about keeping up a long-distance thing, but the minute I set foot on campus and realized how different it was from high school, I knew we'd be better off seeing other people and not tying ourselves down and missing out on what college had to offer in terms of emotional growth. He didn't take it well, but he accepted it, and he even agrees now that it was the right thing to do.

 

Then, idiot that I am, I started dating a guy I met at school and then stayed with him for 3 years (serial monogamist, remember?). After the first year and a half, I knew this guy and I were awful together (plus he was borderline abusive and very possessive), but I went to a tiny little school and had a hard time avoiding him. He actually said that "I don't accept your breaking up with me" line. I started getting therapy from the school counselor, but the counselor basically said it was my boyfriend who needed the therapy. I knew this guy would have to be the one to break up with me if he was gonna accept it; I even tried cheating on him with a guy from home, thinking that he'd break up with me for sure after that, but nope, he forgave me.

 

Eventually, I decided that, since the guy had a car (which I needed in order to get to the grocery store), and since there was practically no one else on campus to date (98% of the guys at my school were in fraternities and embodied the khaki-pant, blue-blazer, old-money, arrogant stereotype), and since my boyfriend drove me nuts following me around if I tried to put some space between us (he lived right across the hall), I'd make the best of it until I went home for the summer after junior year (probably too pragmatic, I know, but at the time, it made sense). Then I called him from home and told him that this time, the breakup was gonna take, so deal with it.

 

He sent me a letter at the end of the summer, officially breaking up with me. The guy had issues.

 

Anyway, it was that first summer of freedom that I really wanted to stretch my wings, explore, etc. And not to have sex with other guys; that's not the point. I like to think I'm smarter than that. It was more to figure out who I am. Or who I could be without having a guy in my life. I learned some about myself while dating, mostly that, if I didn't like myself when I was with a guy, it was the wrong guy to be with. But I never really learned how to take care of myself, entertain myself, make decisions just for myself... Everything I do has always included the guy I'm with, and now, I have kids to consider, too. I met my husband the second week of that "summer of freedom," and even though I tried to take things slow and just have fun, he was so sweet and earnest and perfect on paper that we were pretty much engaged by the end of the summer.

 

So yeah, now I have the perfect husband, perfect kids and perfect life, and it's like the six-year itch has come up, not just with the crush on the ex but with life in general. I'll continue looking for therapy and try to get my head on straight, so to speak. Thanks, everyone, for the support.

[sumdude]

Hi, sounds like you're taking a trip on the regret wagon though you don't know why. I take it you're in your mid 20s. You did get married a bit young but you can't change that now. I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 5 years. We've been living together for 4, I'm 36 she's 34. I think there does come a point where that 'magic' seems to go away in every relationship. Truth is it just changes. All the newness of learning someone and experiencing new things with them eventually fades. One problem, trying to find it again is impossible. That time has past it will not return and you'll only wreck yourself and your life trying to recreate it with someone else, even if it''s just fantasy. You have a lot coming up and your time is going to be filled up with school and your family. Don't waste your energy thinking about could haves or should haves. The past is done, carry on with the future. You have responsibilities now and you really don't want to lose all that you've worked for now do you?

 

Maybe you and hubby should take a trip to somewhere new. Try to find someone to sit your children while you go. The two of you can explore a new place together and spend time alone without responisibilites. Have some fun with him before all your time is sucked away with classes. You might find that magic is still around when you break the daily routine of life.

 

Oh, yeah. I agree that you need to cut contact with this guy who's mixing up your mind. It's not worth it. Sounds harsh but until you stop communicating with him you will always wonder what the Filet Mignon tastes like even though you already ordered the Prime Rib. One day you both might weaken and make a really big mistake.

[FolderWife]

Ok...huh? The best part about marriage for me, is that I don't have to date any more. I don't have to wonder if this guy's using me, or if he's going to dump me for some other chick, or if he's going to turn out to be abusive, or something like that. I'm married, and I know my husband well enough for there not to be any suprises.

 

So dating was the WORST part of my life.

 

Why did you and this "ex" break up the first time?

 

Also, if the "spark" for your husband is gone, imagine life without him. What's it like? If you could have the house, and the kids, and NO MAN, what would it be like? Don't fantasize about your life with this other guy, because that won't be as good as the one you have now, fantasize about your husband dying. Fantasize about your husband running off with some other woman.

 

If the thought ever enters my head that I am "bored" with my husband, and I need to move on, I fantasize about him cheating on me...it would kill me. I fantasize about him dying. That would kill me too.

 

Think about those things. Think about how life would be without him, and then see if that spark comes back.

[FolderWife]

OOh! Don't even piss me off like this . Your husband is faithful, non abusive, bla bla bla, probably not porn addicted, probably comes straight home from work every night...unless he stops to get the groceries....and you're COMPLAINING!?!

 

it's just funny...go read all of the other threads on here, and be thankful that your only problem is you're "bored"

 

If your husband had an affair, would you still be bored?

 

now, after you've thought about this, I want you to get into your tool box, take out a hammer, look at this computer screen, and SMASH IT TO BITS!!! Thanks to e-mail, you are going to throw your marriage away on a fantasy. Thanks to too much free time, you are going to throw your marriage away on boredom.

 

I don't know what to tell you, because this insults me. Wanna trade husbands? You can have the temper. You can have the porn addiction. I'll take the good loving, "better as a friend" husband any day