i am about to cry, please read and advise

[tattoomytoe]

Ok, so my bf is a brew master at a restaurant/ bar. He works with girl bartenders. I go up there, I have met them, hell we pour beers at a beer fest. So he gets text messages from this one girl marrah. Well on wed last week he got one, he was downstairs so I looked to see what it said. It said: miss u. so I decide to scroll through and read some others, but I unfortunately do not know how to check who they are from and when they are sent. But some others were talking about meeting for drinks…..

So I asked him on wed why she would say miss u. he asked if I was jealous..hell yes I am jealous..so I asked if there was anything I should be jealous of, he says no.

Then he was going to swim with me on Thursday, but went out with friends from work instead, including this chic marrah, who has an a**h*** bf that recently cheated on her.

This weekend greg went to the beach with his best friend ryan. So ryan has a web site where he logs journal type entries.

 

I am really good friends with ryans aunt, which is kinda how greg and I met. So tina, ryans aunt called me and awas like has greg said anything to you, cause I had told her about him and this girl texting him. I said no. so today tina calls and said have you read ryan’s web page today? I look, I didn’t see anything except a little blurb about him editing it per greg’s request. Tina however saw it before the edit and this it what it said:

 

greg is currently engaged in turmoil of the most emotionally challenging type, which is that of the lady-trouble variety. apparently he has fallen for a coworker of his with similar interests, and is contemplating breaking off his current relationship with a girl who shares his house. he says he has visions of his albums flying out the windows, and i have to say i agree, these prophesies seem plausible. never is it easy to inform a significant other of changes in your emotional barometer. besides, greg is used to life being simple, so maybe this will shake things up considerably, give him that hardened heart.

 

I am about to cry. I called him just to say hi a little bit ago, he is going out to a show with ryan tonight, I asked if anyone else was going..”not that he knew of”. Yeah right…he just recently like last week went to a show with ryan and I know marrah went. I told him we need to talk when he gets home…he seemed oblivious at what it may be.

[Olivia_19742004]

Sometimes feelings for people change. We can't blame those that we love because they no longer love us. We can't hate them because they find themselves wanting to spend their days with someone else. My only concern is that he hasn't told you, yet. He needs to be honest with you and should have done this a long time ago. You need to confront him in order to make him tell you the truth.

[HokeyReligions]

Oh tattoomytoe, I'm sorry. What a crappy way to find out. How long have you two been together? It may be a passing crush and nothing has happened yet, and you two can work it out. If not, you will get through it and be okay---better than okay, because you will get through this now and not have to face it later--maybe after marriage and kids. I hope for the best for you.

[CurlyIam]

Hi,

 

I've changed my avatar for you to cheer you up (actually I 've found it some time ago and was thinking about how to send it to you; now I can show off with it).

 

You know, I think you should have pushed harder when reading the "miss you" message. He has to give you some sort of explination and you don't have to wait untill he gets sure of what he wants to do!

 

This is about his feelings. Does he love you or not? I hope you're not waiting for him to cheat so that he can tell! So, yes, it is heartbreaking, but put on your sexy top, call some friends, go out where you think he is and confront him tonight! He's got no right to be playing with you. And don't take "I don't know''' from me. Sometimes, a man needs to know what he's about to lose in order to appreciate what he has. If he does not know, than maybe he should be sleeping on the couch and think about moving out!

 

 

Plus, his ryan friend is a total jerk! What is he, the your bf's free online newspaper? What kid of a friend is he of your bf? Jeez!

 

Back to the main subject: be brave, be courageous and find out! The sooner the better! Don't let no one disrespect you!

[tattoomytoe]

thanks y'all! we have been together a yr and a half,

 

curly-thanks your toes really made me smile!

 

i will let y'all know tomm.

[Mr Spock]

I'm so sorry he doesn't have the courage to tell you himself-get the head start on things!! Start throwing his junk out the window now!!

 

(PS-that was supposed to be silly and make you smile-please keep us infoed)

[tiki]

I'm so sorry for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that everything will work out in the end.

[meanon]

That's awful, tattoo . I hope it's an exaggeration and things are not as grim as they seem.

[reasontosigh]

I'm so sorry, TMT. I also hope this is just a passing phase. Thing is, it may be boosting his ego but you are the one who suffers in the meantime.

 

Here's hoping for the best for you!

[dudesomewhere]

see? damnit!!!

 

people when there are signs like this they ALWAYS mean something, don't be so lenient with your OTHER in life...you know there's always something. Constantly I always see posts like this where the person sees and knows something from some factual incident(s) but they allow them to be brushed aside because another wants to be the "decent" one and give he other benefit of the doubt....when we all know something's amiss.

 

Don't settle for being second folks (The above was my general rant to ppl)

 

I hope you make the best decision for you...the right decision for me is always "I'm outta there!" .

[Olivia_19742004]

People fall in and out of love. It's not a sin...

[moimeme]

Sorry to hear about this, TTMT. I think Curly has a great idea. Might as well find out for sure and start to deal with it now. Really, very sorry

[dudesomewhere]

sure it's not a sin...it's when you give some ppl so many chances you just end up hurting your heart more than you need to...I say play video games!

[Olivia_19742004]

Other than not being honest with her up front I don't really see what he did wrong. He has fallen for another woman. There's no comment of cheating. There's no comment of any harsh things said. He might not have told TMT because he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to end a relationship that he was in for someone else. Maybe when she asked she really didn't have anything to worry about at the time. Maybe he wasn't aware that he had fallen for someone else.

 

You make it seem like he's an awful person because his heart has fallen for someone else. You make it seem like his inability to handle the situation is some black mark on his soul. He's living with a woman that he's been in a long-term relationship with and now suddenly he finds his heart is beating for someone else. I would move slowly if I were him, too.

 

We can't blame those we care about for not loving us. We can't hate them because their heart belongs to someone else. As long as they didn't abuse our trust or treat us poorly we can't damn them to eternity because they don't return the same feelings we do.

 

Why must we grasp so tightly onto love? Why must we squeeze it so much that we appear to suck the life out of it? Love while you can. Enjoy it. Cherish and remember it for the rest of your life so that one day when it's gone you will always be able to remember how good it was. How beautiful it was.

 

Love is not something you own.

[joseph]

Originally posted by Olivia_19742004

Why must we grasp so tightly onto love? Why must we squeeze it so much that we appear to suck the life out of it? Love while you can. Enjoy it. Cherish and remember it for the rest of your life so that one day when it's gone you will always be able to remember how good it was. How beautiful it was.

 

Love is not something you own.

 

This is where you're wrong...what about her, doesnt she deserve the opportunity to move on with her life rather than being deceived. This man couldve been honest and straight to the point rather than dragging this out.

He robbed her of time to heal, to live and to move on with her life. He's a coward, and yes, he has a "black mark on his soul" , lol

stop defending him damnit.

[joseph]

dudesomewhere--> LOL ! your absolutely right; stick to the video games and no heart break will happen. A buddy of mine does...and he has no problems..but no women either..dont know if I d go for that..

[sportsloving]

I am very sorry TMT. I imagine it is a pretty difficult situation to be in, but you are a strong, smart, charming person who can and will get through it.

 

I wish you the best, good luck with your talk with him. I am truly sorry.

[Olivia_19742004]

This is where you're wrong...what about her, doesnt she deserve the opportunity to move on with her life rather than being deceived. This man couldve been honest and straight to the point rather than dragging this out.

He robbed her of time to heal, to live and to move on with her life. He's a coward, and yes, he has a "black mark on his soul" , lol

stop defending him damnit.

 

I think you're all being rather unrealistic. It's possible that TMT's boyfriend just came to this conclusion. It's possible that he's trying to make sure that what he thinks he may want to do is really what he wants to do. It's possible that he's trying to think of a way to handle this so that he causes as little pain as possible.

 

You're just trying to make a victim out of this relationship and I don't see that there is one. I know TMT is hurting. I know her heart is breaking and I'm sorry she has to experience this but that doesn't make anyone a bad person. It doesn't make her a victim. Relationships end all the time. He didn't cheat. He didn't verbally abuse her. He didn't physically abuse her. He didn't neglect her. Unless there's a lot we're not being told I don't see how he suddenly became a bad person.

 

And I'm not defending him. I'm just tired of seeing that someone always has to be made the villian and someone made the victim. There isn't always good vs. bad guy in every relationship. Sometimes they just end..

[tattoomytoe]

Hey,

Well greg finally got home last night around 10:45.

I was laying in bed, he asked what was up..so I said You know I do read ryan’s webpage. And he said ok. I said that I read something today and really need to know what is going on. Then he was like so you saw it in the 5 minutes it was up? So he was like I am really sorry you had to find out his way, it was wrong of ryan to put it there, that was why I had him take it down. So I said well what do you need to tell me. Who is it? He said you know who it is…I said I really do not, I think it is marrah, but you told me I need not be concerned.

 

He had laid down and was hugging me and putting his head on mine telling me he was sorry.

I said what have you done that you are so sorry. He said he made out with marrah on thurs. i asked him on wed, if i needed to be "concerned".

 

So I asked him if he wanted to be with her, if he still had feelings for her…..what is the reasoning ? he says he is not sure. Then goes on that he has really enjoyed the time we have been together, that he has Affection for me. I do not know what the hell that means.

But later he was asking if I think we are meant to, if we should be together. I do not know but it seemed like he wanted me to make a decision, I am not.

I told him he needs to think about what he wants, what will make him happy. That basically what ever happens will be his choice.

So basically I am waiting on him to tell me his true feelings, cause he either does not know…..or he is too chicken **** to say.

 

Then I am just crying the whole time too, and this am my eyes are so puffy and I am still tearing up on and off.

 

 

i am not going to make this decision for him, especially since it seems that he does not want to be with me anymore....but he has to tell me.

[tiki]

tmt, I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep your head held high and continue knowing that you are an awesome person, no matter who he chooses.

[murasaki]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know how difficult it can be to accept when a relationship is over, but I'm afriad that in waiting for him to make a decision you're only prolonging your own pain.

 

I don't think that anyone here has unreasonably villified Greg, but the truth of the matter is that he has been underhanded and blatantly dishonest with you, in more ways than one. I'll list what I see, so that maybe it'll be a little more clear to you:

 

1. When you're in a relationship that you value, you don't deliberately cultivate close friendships with members of the opposite sex, especially when the "friendship" excludes your partner. Now I realize he works with Marrah so it's not like he decided to go out and meet a new person, and also a lot of their interaction would naturally happen when you're not around. Still, he wasn't thinking about you and how his budding friendship with Marrah was jeopardizing his relationship with you.

 

2. I suspect that if his feelings for you were really strong he wouldn't have been vulnerable to falling for another woman, no matter how much time they spent at work together, and no matter how much they had in common. So while meeting Marrah may have been the catalyst for him to recognize that he no longer loves you, I'd guess that was the case even prior to meeting her -- and he just wasn't self-aware enough to recognize that fact. And as his buddy proclaimed on his website, Greg doesn't like trouble. You two are going to have to get different living arrangements -- that in and of itself is a huge hassle. But breaking up any romantic relationship is tough, and inevitably brings hardship on both parties. No more easy access to affection and sex. I think he's guilty of putting convenience over honesty -- with himself and with you.

 

3. Once he recognized that he had feelings for another woman, he should have come straight to you to discuss. Not talk to Ryan, not go out on semi-dates with Marrah and make out with her. Again, showing lack of self-awareness and cowardice when it comes to facing the music.

 

4. When you brought up the possibility that all was not well, he told you that you were imagining things. "Silly Sarah, what a jealous imagination you have! What's the matter with you?" No... what's the matter with him? Why didn't he at least have enough decency to acknowledge your intelligence and intuition and willingness to talk about difficult things, instead of taking the easy route out of it by telling you you're imagining things?

 

By the way, these ways that he has wronged you aren't enormous, awful sins. Lots of people do this kind of crap. But that doesn't make it right! And it does indicate a lack of maturity and emotional responsibility.

 

5. Lastly, to share his problems with a guy who keeps a weblog that often features the goings-on of his friends' lives was so fatally stupid that you have to wonder if it was truly a mistake. Of course Greg doesn't want to be the kind of guy who lets his girlfriend know that he doesn't love her and wants to be with someone else by broadcasting it publicly. But that's what he did. If Greg told Ryan that their discussions were of course confidential and he hadn't shared his change in feelings with you yet, you can be sure that Ryan wouldn't have put it up. If Greg didn't emphasize the need for discretion with his news then he basically gave Ryan the green light to put it up. Even if it wasn't "deliberate."

 

So... I think you know what the score is. I think your relationship with Greg is over. He just isn't willing to have the decency to call it off. He wants you to do his dirty work for him. That's further evidence of emotional cowardice. Don't make the mistake of confusing emotional cowardice for being unsure about what he wants. I mean, frankly, even if his failure to clearly break up with you is in part due to uncertainty about what he wants, that's pretty bad in and of itself. He has really messed things up, and if there were any question in his mind of wanting to stay with you and work things out, he would be bending over backwards to mend things. Instead he has told you how much affection he feels for you, and he hugged you. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. He doesn't want to be Greg the Jerk, who dumped Sarah for Marrah even though on the surface at least things with Sarah were great and he never indicated to her that he wasn't happy. He doesn't want to be Greg the Dick who let his buddy broadcast to the world that he intended to break up with his girlfriend. He doesn't want to be Greg the Complete !sshole who lied to his girlfriend when he told her she hand nothing to worry about, and then cheated on her by making out with another woman.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with Greg the Jerk, Greg the Dick, and Greg the !sshole -- but you are. So deal with him accordingly. Who will move out -- both you? If you need to start looking for a new place, start today. Craigslist is a good start and you can browse online. If you need to find a new roommate, craigslist is good for that too. Communicate to Greg, via the method of your choice (I'd choose texting, easier for you & it's cold, which he deserves), that he needs to have his stuff out by the weekend if you're going to stay on in your apartment for any length of time. If you have a place to go instead, see if you can move there starting tonight. Start packing your stuff. In that case, don't say a darn thing to Greg.

 

Sarah, I think he has behaved quite badly. Maybe he's not a bad guy usually, but his behavior in this just plain sucks. To react as though it's not so bad or you have nothing to complain about is a)ridiculous, and b) makes things much harder for you.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I think the sooner you accept it and stop waiting for him to explicitly say, "Sarah, it's over," the easier it will be for you to pick up the pieces and move on. One way or another you'll have to pick up the pieces and move on. Why not start today?

[RoboHobo]

I'm also very sorry to hear about all this happening to you tmt. It seems so unfair that this happens to people who only have love for their partner. It was good that you confronted him and that you are making him make the decision. Don't let him walk over you and take advantage of your feeling for him. Be strong and confident in who you are. It's going to hurt for a long time no matter who he chooses. If it's going to be the best out come for you, I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you.

 

I think that being tempted is a sign of fear in most cases, and maybe it is in yours. Him giving in the temptation is very wrong though, he should be stronger than that. I'm sorry to say that if you do end up staying with each other there will be a lot of rubbish that you will have to work through together.

 

I wish for for your happiness, and I'm sorry for your pain. I just don't think that him making a decision is going to solve the problem immediately.

[murasaki]

Sorry to go on at length like this, but I've been in situations with guys who weren't willing to just admit that they didn't want to stay in the relationship, and who were evasive and uncommunicative about what was going on (fortunately not other women, but it really doesn't matter). Waiting for them to admit that they're ending things makes things soooooo much more difficult for YOU. What you ought to be doing is taking action to minimize the impact on you. Don't wait for him to leave you holding a lease you can't afford to pay on your own, don't wait for him to ask you to move out in the next three days (or whatever the living arrangments will turn out to be). All of his actions point to an inability to be honest about this, and an unwillingness to accept responsibility. So you can hold your breath and try to insist that he comes clean, but you may find yourself waiting indefinitely.

 

Or you may find that if you meet his passive-aggressive tactics with passive-aggressive tactics of your own, he'll suddenly become blatantly mean and aggressive. "Why doesn't she get it, how much more clear can I make it?" he'll sneer. "I mean what do I need to do, take out an ad in the newspaper? I'm sorry she had to find out the way she did, but that was an honest mistake, and now that it's out what more does she want to hear?" Remember, his agenda is to get through this with a minimum of damage to his self-image. He's not going to readily go along with your wish that he takes responsibility. His goal is not to make this easy for you, it's to make it easy for himself.

 

Remember Steve Martin's line in The Spanish Prisoner: "they will be cruel to you because they feel guilty." I've seen that happen many times, in many different situations. It's one of the uglier aspects of human nature.

[tattoomytoe]

here is what he wrote me after i said i need to know what he wants to do :

 

no crossroads to be forced on ourselves. no brakes when we can coast. not a

forced resolution crisis. lets let things find their own place. see ya soon,

greg

[Leikela]

So in other words he's going to just let things coast and go by the motto, "Whatever happens, happens."?? To me that isn't acceptable. So that gives him the right to keep on going out with this girl and making out with her more? He cheated on you so why is he taking such a casual approach to everything?

 

Don't you have an opinion? Do you like staying with a guy that cheated on you and allowed himself to get that close to a female while supposedly being in a close relationship with you? Isn't it being a glutton for punishment if you hang on and let him decide while all the while he could just go on acting like he says at your expense? This just doesn't seem right to me. Not at all...