A break became a break-up. Male perspectives wanted.

[Lone Blue]

Hi everyone on LoveShack.

 

I'm a new member here, but I've been lurking around for a few weeks now. I finally decided to join and hoped to get the opinions of others. Mostly I want someone to tell me I'm stupid. I figure hearing it from a stranger may help me more. I hope that doesn't sound odd.

 

Well, here's my story. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 4 and 1/2 years. Our relationship was far from perfect; from the get go, we disagreed about a lot of things because in many ways we are opposites. I'm a modern gal, who has no qualms over asking a man out, I'm a liberal, and I'm spiritual but not religious. He's very traditional, thinking a man should make all the moves, conservative politically, and he prays more than anyone else I know. I've had a few boyfriends and romantic entanglements; besides me, he has had none. Despite this, we loved each other greatly--to the point that when my father passed away while I was studying abroad, he was more in touch with me with me than even my own mother--and up until recently, before our break that turned into a break-up, we were discussing marriage.

 

How the break that turned into a break-up happened was essentially my fault. I initiated it because I was tired of arguing. We were arguing so much because I had just come down from college and we were trying to adjust our lives together. It doesn't help that for the past year, I've heavily been on medication for anxiety and depression; I had a panic attack that prevented me from applying directly to law school and he had applied directly. I felt very insecure and jealous; I often couldn't sleep, eat, etc. A friend of mine at the time would stay up and talk to me. Essentially, my ex found this convenient as he's always been a big fan of sleep, and well, an emotional affair happened and I developed feelings for my friend. This was part of the reason I wanted a break; I thought it was unfair to be in a relationship with someone while I was essentially having feelings for another man. He understood, and despite this, he still told me he was "in love" with me and we were fine until I told him I wanted to get back together. At this point, he claimed he loved me but no longer was in love with me. I thought at first he was just hurt and wanted to make things difficult for me because I initiated the break, but the truth is that after a lot of drama (knocking at his door, calling, going NC for a month, etc), I broke NC today and effectively he admitted the truth. He said he had sabotaged our relationship from ages ago.

 

He wanted out, and given that this was his first relationship, he didn't know how to deal with it. I imagine had I not suggested the break, he would have eventually broken up with me anyway. Despite being the dumper, I essentially feel dumped. I feel I dumped someone who wanted to be dumped and the only reason he cried/showed any feeling whatsoever was because he was fond of the habit of having a girlfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't help that today when we spoke, he admitted to fearing me, to thinking about me every day or every other day, and to essentially thinking of women as f*** toys. I told him my feelings and I don't regret them--I feel like I can FINALLY move on, but despite this, my heart breaks at the fact that I think a turned a nice boy into an a******. All he cares about now is having a good time and going to law school. He has a girl who apparently is flirting with him who he only sees as "hit and quit" and I'm just floored. This was the man that only a few months ago was talking about saving money up to propose to me. I just don't understand it.

 

Someone tell me I'm being stupid, especially when it comes to him and the possibility of a second, or rather, a third chance. We had broken up once before three years ago for about 2-3 months; this time, he had actually ended it over a disagreement we had had over family. Another tidbit to mention is that the last time I saw him over a month ago, he promised me to be there for my birthday in December and to get me an expensive gift. Today when I brought up the possibility of reconciling, he brought my birthday up and how he did intend to keep his promise. Given everything he has said and done, I find that hard to believe and I think he wants to keep me on the back burner and string me along. In terms of reconciliation, he says he doesn't want to date anyone during the first semester of law school, that he's not in a position to be with anyone, that he finds himself to be an unforgiving person, and that most of all, he wants me to move on. He wants to regret the day that he let me go. He wants to be wrong one day and chase me. Again, I don't understand this, but I feel I'm being played and I need to move on. Still, I wanted to get opinions on what others think of this.

 

Oh, and before I forget, he told me he wanted to be friends after I got over him, and he's encouraging me to date others. He wants me to forget him, but yet, he says he sees a slim chance of us reconciling in the future if we're new people. I feel jipped, used, and played--I think he was trying to placate me, especially considering his need to chase a woman. He's one of those that thinks a woman should never chase a man, and ironically, when we first started dating, I asked him out. Gah, I just don't understand. Thoughts on this break-up insanity?

[Lone Blue]

Um, can anyone please help me? Did I post this in the wrong forum?

[Lone Blue]

Thank you, Mina. Will do.