Growing apart or just hitting a rough patch?

[veggiegirl]

I'm 24 and my husband is 25. We got married when I was 21 and he had just turned 23, after knowing each other for a year and a half - but only dating (long distance at that!) for 6 weeks. I'm seriously beginning to think that we jumped into marriage too early and too young!

 

For the past year or so, things have been a rollercoaster. My job (active duty military) is extremely stressful, and I don't feel like he understands everything I go through everyday. As much as I try to tell him, it's something he can't fully grasp unless he experiences the pressure that I constantly feel. He has a full-time job (it's where we originally met back in 2000) but I'm the main breadwinner of the family (which adds more stress onto me). We fight a lot, over really stupid stuff, but usually later admit that it was petty. Unfortunately I come from an emotionally abusive childhood and I find that I am starting to repeat the same pattern I was brought up in, which scares the hell out of me. But I don't know where to start on that. Counseling isn't really an option; in my field it could cost me my job if they think my job performance is being affected.

 

He's a great guy and I do love him, but I'm not sure that I want to be married anymore. There are so many things I want to do in my career and I feel like he will hold me back more than anything. But when I tell him that, he insists that I'm blowing it out of proportion and that we can make any situation work....even though we try hard as it is.

 

So the big question here is: How do you know if you truly made a mistake? How can I figure out if this is a phase, or if we're growing apart? Work and college keep us from spending very much time together, and when we are together, an arguement erupts over some random thing. He thinks it's a phase; I think we're different people now and maybe we should take a break or something. I don't know how to fix this, but I do know I can't handle our relationship the way it is now.

[Karlise13]

Actually, all long-term relationships and marriages go through rough patches.

 

 

It doesn't matter how "perfect" the person is.....sooner or later you will come up against conflicts and discord.

 

If you come from a background that includes abuse, certain events will end up triggering memories.....forcing you to either deal with your emotional issues...or hightail it it and run.

 

 

Weathering out the stormy periods is part and parcel of being in a relationship. These periods force you to learn how to

 

*listen to the other person

* compromise

* ask for what you need

* learn to fight 'clean'

* communicate more effectively

* re-establish intimacy

 

Relationship 'storms' also help you learn to develop faith and trust; if you can 'survive' a rough patch, you are more likely to trust that your mate will be there through other difficult periods

 

That's the basic premise of 'for better or worse,'.....you know?

 

Many of us are not taught a lot of relationship tactics. We grow up in dysfunctional homes, witnessing bad marriages and throw-away relationships sometimes.

 

Ask your husband to go to counseling with you. Really concentrate on rebuilding your bond.

 

Unless he's an abusive person, I can't think of a good reason to just toss your marriage.

[toolcutie]

I am currently going through a divorce. I got married when I was 18 and he was 20. We were married for 6 years and together for almost 8. We had 3 kids, and then all hell broke loose.

 

I was completely in love at first, we made it through a lot of rough patches but in the end, we both did a lot of things that hurt each other very much. I can't speak for everyone, but for me it was way too young and I wish someone would have tried to stop me. We did grow apart, and I found personally that what I wanted out of life and out of my relationships was something very different the older I got. My soon to be ex and I are actually better friends than we ever were a couple, and I've started seeing someone who is everything I always wanted out of a partner but never had.

 

We went through counceling and stuck it out as best we could for a really long time before we decided to end things however. We were not willing to just give up on the marriage that quickly. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and if you are still in love with him, then it is worth it to do everything within your power to keep it together before you decide the throw it all away. Divorce is a hard thing to go through, and for some people it is the the right thing, but for others it is an easy out when things get rough. Nothing in life will be without its hard times, but only you can really decide if this is something you truly want. If it is then you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, no matter what the cost. Good Luck.

 

Toolcutie

[veggiegirl]

Thanks for the responses. I really don't want to think about either of us leaving, but it's amazing how different we have become in the 2 1/2 years since we got married. Neither one of us has ever seen or been in a healthy relationship (his parents have been married/divorced multiple times; mine are still together but codependent and abusive) so it's difficult for us to work through it when things have been going so rough for this long. We're going to try some of the communication techniques I've found on the web and see if that makes any difference before worrying about counseling. Basically I'm just sick of feeling like we've grown into two different people who never get to see each other and who have very little in common anymore (goals, interests, or anything else)....except we love each other and want to work it out.