FWB Sucks/5 Foolish Yrs

[lovejoy41]

Right. I think they both may know it's not, but I think that it's just comfortable for them. She probably has issues herself. The fact that he's doing what he's doing also shows that he is confused about what he really wants. On the one hand, he wants a woman home with him and he's doing all of the things that a good boyfriend does(in her eyes), but then he's out sleeping around with other women. Girl, who knows! It makes my head hurt thinking about it& I'm the furthest thing from a therapist.

 

In the beginning he seemed to not want a commitment and was clear about it. The 3rd year he seemed to be having mixed feelings because he would come around me regularly, we spent time together, and he even said things that indicated or at least to me appeared that he was thinking about being committed. But I noticed when we seemed to be getting really close, he would disappear for a few weeks so to me it was like he was running. He had even told me once that he was a "commitment phobic". The 4th and 5th year however was pure h*ll.

 

During that time we're only going out once a month, I wasn't getting any calls or texts in between, nothing. So, I guess at this point I was just in it to be in it. smh UNTIL, that bomb dropped and it all came out about her. So, I'm like only a fool would stay. I made a snap decision. I wouldn't be anything more than a piece of you know what to him if I stayed CLEARLY KNOWING what he has with this woman. Eventually like me, she'll wake up. Esp if she's having those gut feelings about other women like I had about her. She probably feels ""what i don't know won't hurt" & she's good as long as he is taking care of her & wining and dining her. She's only 34, he's 38. They're not there yet. I've seen people do stuff like this and wake up years later realizing that they're not happy with each other. That they're not made for each other and it's no longer working for them and they end up parting ways. smh

Edited August 13, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Leigh 87]

Hell, my boyfriend did not want a committment at first; he wanted to travel the world, and have sex with as many hot packers as possible. To fulfill all his threesome fantasies before settling down.

 

I also was not ready for a relationship. However, after getting to know each other, things have naturally changed. In the early stages, I told him to get the threesomeso ut of his system. I participated in three THREEsomes hah, with him, and was fine with it.

 

I have made sure he is now really satisfied with the idea of just having me sexually, and he says he is really happy with the idea, and thanks for letting him get it out of his system; he never asked for them to begin with, I just new him, and another great couple I know wanted each other at age 18, but decided to spend a year being single and hooking up, before they got b ack together. They are a great couple and deaply in love and together 5 years later.

 

So we went from wanting to be single BADLY, do not being able to be without each other. Being together was far more fulfilling than what we thought we origionally wanted.

we plan to travel and live our ideal lives together. That appeals most to us both and we cannot imagine being without each other at this stage.

 

Although a few people on here think he must not love me because he was able to even have the threesomes; I have learnt to follow my insinct and gut feelings, and believe my own truth, rather than listening to people who do not now him at all.

[lovejoy41]

Well good for you. At least he was honest enough to tell you that he wasn't ready and stuck with it. You both agreed that you were not ready. It wasn't one-sided with him making a full on commitment to another woman, although he'd told you he wasn't ready so bump what other people think.

 

Maybe that's why my ex- friend is doing what he's doing. He probably figures that in a few years he'll want to settle down, so why not line up his future with the one he wants to settle down with now? Thus, having her move in, meet the parents, and have the relationship but still see other women until he gets to that point. Maybe that's what she's hoping for as well. He will do whatever he does now but when he decides to settle it'll be her that he settles with since she's already in the house and has met the family.

 

There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and when you want it. Just as long as you're both on the same page and everyone is being honest.

[mtber75]

Yes I did know of the "arrangement". And I have never said that he didn't make it clear at first. But I found out that he had a woman living with him after the fact. I had to find this out through fb. It's one thing if two people agree on this type of arrangement and nooone is looking for a committment,but why continue to tell someone this when you know you're in a relationship or building a relationship with someone else? I get what you are saying but that still doesnt make it right. Why not just tell the FWB you've found someone or are now in a relationship? There is a lot more to this story that it would take mos to tell but I guess this is why i say the FWB thing doesnt work for me because if I did agree to this with someone and met someone that I was serious with or getting serious with in between, I would respect them enough to tell them. Maybe that's just me. You cant help who you love or fall in love with but, I still say it's a load of sh**! The heartbreak comes from being lied to. If this was ok, why not claim your girlfriend? He still denies that he's in a relationship to this day and is seeing other women. It might be ppl that think this is ok, but I don't. If you're in a relationship, you are, if you're not youre not. Maybe putting this on here was a bad idea, cause I don't need anyone on here trying to tell me that I have no right to not feel hurt or betrayed. Ive seen other FWB and have seen ppl get serious with others, but the person would usually tell the FWB I'm with someone now or Im not feeeling you anymore. Call me old fashioned, "arrangements" sexing, hanging out, getting ppl's feelings involved until you meet Ms. Right and then dump the person like they're trash or string them along as long as they let you? I'll pass from now on thank you.

 

Yes, I agree that what he did was wrong...Hiding his relationship with another girl. If you guys were true friends he should of been direct. Maybe he was afraid of losing your friendship over his relationship? But really its not up to you to tell him what is wrong or right. I have a best friend I think who is in a unhappy marriage...Yet they have been married for almost 5 years with a little girl now, so my friend decided that he will make this marriage work and its his life.

[lovejoy41]

@Mtber75 I respect your opinion but here's the thing. I never told him what was right or wrong so what do you mean? I only stated that I felt that it was wrong on this thread. I only went to him asking what was really going on between the two of them. All I ever asked was for him to just tell me the truth. I even told him that I wouldn't be upset and that I would still be his friend. Not a FWB of course, but nonetheless a friend. I told him that if he's happy with her, then I would be which is what TRUE FRIENDS should do. I mean really, I tried my best to be reasonable with this man. I didn't just throw a tantrum because he didn't reciprocate his feelings for me and dismiss him. I never pointed out or told him that he was doing anything right or wrong. I would never go to anyone and tell them that what they're doing when it comes to their feelings for someone, their relationship, or marriage is right or wrong. If asked or if I'm comfortable I may state my opinion, but by no means would I judge them and say something like that. The thing is even IF I was that type of person, I could tell them that they're right or wrong until I'm blue in the face but it's that person's CHOICE as to what they decide to do regarding their relationship. So regarding the situation with your best friend, it's good that you respect him/her enough not to address their issues as being right or wrong.

 

 

You see he always denied that he was with her even up until the point when I found out about her meeting his parents. Even then he still denied that she was his gf and instead of admitting it he went into this rage and started quoting that he "didn't care about us bitches" etc... etc... AFTER THAT, YES I walked! IDK maybe me bringing it to his attention that I knew what was really going on brought on guilt which in turn brought out anger in him. So, yes he was wrong & I think he knew that. Maybe he'd hoped that I would never find out and we would continue sleeping together(after all he thought that my fb account was deactivated), that I would be one of these women who doesn't give a crap about a man having a gf & continue to sleep with him, or maybe he thought that I would find out & it would hurt me enough to where I would just walk away w/o asking about it; thus making it easier on him so to speak. Who knows?! I did walk, but not w/o him knowing that I knew about him and her first. So, when he remembers what he had with me,(IF HE EVER DOES, HA!) he's going to have to deal with his lie& his guilty conscience as well. Like someone said on this thread earlier, he didn't value the friendship at all. He lacks integrity nor does he respect women. I don't think it was because he knew he would lose the friendship. I think it was because he knew that I would stop sleeping with him.

 

I made it real clear from the beginning that I don't date guys who are married, have gf's, and guys who have gf's who live with them so he knew that it would be a wrap if he had told me. In other words, he was looking out for himself not the friendship if there was ever really one to begin with. All I wanted was the truth. Had he done that I could've walked away with no ill feelings towards him, the friendship could've been salvaged, and we could've POSSIBLY had a PLATONIC friendship; but he blew that by continuing to want to carry on this lie about a woman whom he KNOWS he is in a serious relationship with.

Edited August 14, 2012 by lovejoy41

[lovejoy41]

Hello again my fellow love shackers, I took a much needed break from here to allow myself a fair chance to heal. Most of you are familiar with my story "5 year/FWB Sucks". Well here's my update. I have been in no contact for 2 1/2 months and have not initiated contact nor do I plan to. I am happy, I've lost 14lbs, and although he crosses my mind from time to time I don't cry like I used to and have accepted how I played a role in that "joke of a relationship" if that's what you want to call it. Since I posted here the ass**** tried contacting me. He effortlessly reached out with his little breadcrumbs of a text. On 8/3 all he said was "What's up"? I think I mentioned this before. Well since then (and I'm gonna go a little off subject here)I had heard some things about my ex husband and decided to be nosy.

 

I went on to a county jail website and saw that my ex-husband was in some trouble. This was on Sept 12. I had this feeling that I should search my ex fwb name. I had no idea why I felt that because I've never done this before. So I proceeded to put his name in and.... "wait for it, wait for it" his name came up!!! It seems that karma has reared her ugly head in his life. The info showed that he'd been arrested for DUI, speeding, and a open container in his car on 7/29. I couldn't believe it! Why? Because only 11 days before that he had cursed me, called me a bi**h amongst others things after being confronted about the live-in gf that I knew nothing about. I referred to all of this in my original post. So yes, it's like he was getting back what he'd dished out. He bonded out the same day & I'm sure his gf helped him. He was arrested early Sunday morn and released sun afternoon.

 

So what does that mean? Well it means that he was out all night somewhere. Not that it's my concern anymore but this just reassured me that I'd made the right decision in cutting contact with him. I wouldn't want to be his live-in gf sitting at home, he doesn't come home, only to find out that he's been arrested for a DUI. It appears that I dodged a bullet with him. He's her problem now. I mean who wants to go through that with someone? Not me!!! Anyway, that was my recent discovery.

 

Since then, I'm still chugging along happily. I'm keeping busy, thanking god that I'm free. My head is clear, I'm not stressed, and I sleep well since getting rid of him. Well I'm on the phone talking with my sis and cousin about life and guess who texts me while I'm on the phone? YES, HIM!!! This was on 9/19 last Wednesday around 9:30 at night. Once again, it's nothing more than effortless breadcrumbs. He just says "Hey". Of course, I laugh and tell my sis and cousin. Mind you both times that he's tried I've ignored him and immediately deleted the texts.

 

I guess he thought that I would've cooled off by now and would fall for the crap I used to and we'd be off to dinner, drinks, and a room again. I think NOT!!! He has a gf so I don't know what he wants with me especially after all of the crap he said to me and his actions. I guess when he sat in that jail for 9 hours & only 11 days after he did what he did to me he begin to miss and wonder about good old lovejoy! He has to go for his arraignment on Mon 10/1. So, I can't do anything but pray for him. I'm done with him and don't intend to go back. So if he was reaching out for his ego stroke, sympathy, armchair therapy, or just a plain old booty call, he didn't get it from me. I feel like if he truly was remorseful for what he'd done or had something important to say he would say it in the text or he would call and leave a message. He obviously hasn't changed since he's only texting once a month and I'm positive that him and his live-in are still together.

 

I've moved on, I'm happy and at the right time looking forward to meeting a man who has his s*it together and will be able to give me the relationship that I deserve. I just wanted to update you guys on everything. I don't know if he will contact me again. My friend told me that she thinks that he gets it now. That now he knows that I'm done with him since I've ignored him twice. I hope that he doesn't contact me again. It's like when I was hurt I wondered if he would contact me again and it never happened. As soon as I've moved on and thinking less and less about the nut he starts texting. When he does that it distracts me and I find myself wondering all over again. So it would do me good if he didn't reach out ever again. He's a jerk and he's giving his gf just as much hell as he gave me so I hear. Sooo, long story short in a few more months I'll be even better than I am now.

 

Sticking with NC and looking forward to a big bright future! To those of you who are going through something similar, hang in there. Men and women like this never miss the water until their well runs dry! So, all I have to say is... keep on missing it buddy! It's his loss!!!! What I've learned & what we must remember is that we have to love ourselves enough to know when to walk or let go. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. No one can do what you don't allow them to do. Any opinions or thoughts are welcome and I hope you guys are all doing well with your situations. I love you all and thank you to those of you on here who gave me input and helped me through this when I first posted on here.

[Phoe]

Scary how close your situation is to mine.

 

FWB for 3 years. I find out he's been in a relationship with his female housemate for 2 of those years.

 

It was quite the complicated FWB situation. Even though we both KNEW we had the right to do whatever we wanted, no commitments, if he so much as saw a guy even TALKING to me in public, he'd throw a fit. If I'm out partying with the girls on my own? He's texting me all night saying "GRRR, no guys!! You better not be with any guys!!!" and of course, always accusing me of having sex behind his back. I did not touch another man the whole 3 years I was with him.

 

I finally find out that he's been sleeping with his female roommate, who I actually had been suspicious of. I went out to the local bar one night and he was there with her. My friends and I waved at him from across the bar, trying to get his attention, he looked right at us and ignored us. About an hour later he walks right past me with her, and out the door. Naturally, the next day I gave him hell for point blank ignoring me right there in the bar, he goes "You were at the bar? LOL I was blacked out, I swear I did not see you last night." -_____- right. So then I get "why would you even be worried about her anyway, that's my HOUSEMATE, you know I'd never hook up with my housemate, that's crazy."

 

LOL. turns out I was right for being suspicious of her.

 

Oh well. I moved on, lost 30 pounds, got a new job. No luck in the love department and while it really rubs me the wrong way to know that despite screwing me over he gets to be the one who's happy in the end with his girlfriend, while I'm still single and lonely. I do not believe in karma... I have never seen karma work out the way it should... every man who has ever screwed me over or cheated on me has moved on to be very happy with the loves of their lives after me. *shrugs*

 

Still, I'm glad to be rid of such a parasitic and destructive relationship.

[NateC]

Scary how close your situation is to mine.

 

FWB for 3 years. I find out he's been in a relationship with his female housemate for 2 of those years.

 

It was quite the complicated FWB situation. Even though we both KNEW we had the right to do whatever we wanted, no commitments, if he so much as saw a guy even TALKING to me in public, he'd throw a fit. If I'm out partying with the girls on my own? He's texting me all night saying "GRRR, no guys!! You better not be with any guys!!!" and of course, always accusing me of having sex behind his back. I did not touch another man the whole 3 years I was with him.

 

I finally find out that he's been sleeping with his female roommate, who I actually had been suspicious of. I went out to the local bar one night and he was there with her. My friends and I waved at him from across the bar, trying to get his attention, he looked right at us and ignored us. About an hour later he walks right past me with her, and out the door. Naturally, the next day I gave him hell for point blank ignoring me right there in the bar, he goes "You were at the bar? LOL I was blacked out, I swear I did not see you last night." -_____- right. So then I get "why would you even be worried about her anyway, that's my HOUSEMATE, you know I'd never hook up with my housemate, that's crazy."

 

LOL. turns out I was right for being suspicious of her.

 

Oh well. I moved on, lost 30 pounds, got a new job. No luck in the love department and while it really rubs me the wrong way to know that despite screwing me over he gets to be the one who's happy in the end with his girlfriend, while I'm still single and lonely. I do not believe in karma... I have never seen karma work out the way it should... every man who has ever screwed me over or cheated on me has moved on to be very happy with the loves of their lives after me. *shrugs*

 

Still, I'm glad to be rid of such a parasitic and destructive relationship.

 

Sounds like an ultra control freak. It's a very good thing you got rid of the relationship.

 

You'll find someone...sometimes when you're not even looking. Best of luck!

[lovejoy41]

Hi Phoe, Wow! It does sound like we were both in the same thing; both very toxic "relationships"/ "arrangements". How long have you been NC? Boy I tell ya we both learned that we should've listened to our gut huh? My guy hid his jealousy. I only saw it if I was giddy & telling him about a guy that hit on me. Then he would say something like "You should tell him that you've got a man". He would say that and I would be like "What the f*ck?!" The nerve of your guy to not even speak and then walk by you with the girl at the bar! He's so stupid. Doesn't he know that by ignoring you that he was showing you that it's obviously something more there with his "roommate"? See that right there is one of those "red flags" people talk about that women just don't see. No pun intended at you, I'm just saying. I know that I had plenty of red flags that I ignored. I was just so ga ga in love and spell bound with his looks, money, and great sex that he'd dish out when he was ready. Ugh! If it wasn't anything serious he would have at least threw up his hand or waved at you. What a ass! THEN he has the nerve to deny that he saw you after looking right at you?! UGH!!! They will lie even when caught in the act. My ex used to do the same thing. I had all of my evidence from FB about his live-in gf & when I confronted him about it, of course he did the same thing... LIED! I didn't see any other men while I was dating my ex either. Only met 1 guy that I told him about and he was only after sex too. I just told him about the guy to see if he would even get jealous. At least you had female friends and got out of the house with them. I have no friends. My bestie of 26 years ended up being a backstabber & outside of her I only have a older friend and she's married so you know how that goes. Not because I didn't want to meet anyone because I knew that I was free to do so if I wanted, but because I wasn't meeting anyone else. It's like he put some type of negative energy fence around me or something. At first I thought "maybe it's a sign that he's the one". Really? I think not! "The One" would have made me his girlfriend after 5 years, not a FWB. That's how screwed up my head was with all of the mind f**kery that went on with him.

 

Well, it's awesome that you got away from the lying creep. Not everyone believes in karma. I believe in a higher power & I also believe that are consequences for the actions that we choose to engage in whether it be good or bad action that we choose. Every situation is different but in my case every guy that did me wrong appeared to have moved on happily at first, but whether it was months later or even most recently with my kids father 18 YEARS later, he got what was coming to him. Sometimes it's all a matter of timing. None of that matters though. What matters is that you're rid of the person who's caused you pain.

 

As for dating again, don't worry about not having dated anyone else or meeting someone else. I haven't met anyone worth my time either. Only 2 guys who made it painfully obvious from the beginning that they just want a sex buddy and we know that wasn't going to happen! Just focus on you and like Nate C said most likely someone will show up when you least expect it. Congrats on the weight loss! I only lost 14 lbs but hey it's something. I've been reading a lot of articles and a really good book about unavailable men and fallback girls. It's helped me greatly. It's been 3 months since I last saw the butt hole and 2 1/2 since I went NC. Right now I'm focused on my health and working on feeling good about myself and loving myself more. He did quite a bit of damage to my self esteem & I'm just getting to a place where I trust my gut,love myself and respect myself more. So, honestly that's what's best for me right now. I'd rather work on those issues than to jump back out there into dating. I want to make sure that I don't attract another Mr.Unavailable. I want to be in a healthy relationship. I know that I'm not ready for dating yet. I prefer to take my time and work on me, so that I'm a better me for me and a better me for the next man.

 

I'm proud of you Phoe and it's good to know that I'm not the only woman out there who's been used, lied to, and disrespected. It's just good to know that I'm not alone. You hang in there, and remember you will have what you deserve one day and that's a good man. What I'm proud of the most is that we are 2 women who were strong enough and loved ourselves enough to walk away! Girl, even though what they did hurt like hell, I know that we dodged a bullet with those jokers! :DThese women or shall I say their "supposed girlfriends" have no idea what they're in for. It's only a matter of time before they reveal who they are to them as well. From what I've read, these men are like chameleons. They can change enough to fool you in the beginning, but after the "newness" of the relationship wears off, they change into who they really are and it's nothing pleasant. They're not good partners and most relationships they have never last. The fact that he's tried to contact me twice(even if they were bread crumbs) shows me that I made the right choice. He has a girlfriend but here he is still trying to contact me! Really? I'm glad that I'm not his girlfriend. I don't think we need to envy these women at all. Stay strong Phoe & if you need to talk you can private message me anytime. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Love ya girl

Edited October 11, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Phoe]

thanks lovejoy, and good job to you too as well!

 

it's wonderful to know that while bad things like this happen to people, we all move past it!

 

I'm not sure how long we've been NC, as I have been so utterly THROUGH with him, that I didn't keep track of time. We've been totally through NC for 3-4 months, but I have not seen him face to face since July of 2011. I moved to a new town for a variety of reasons (including him) and every now and then he'd contact me saying he wishes I'd come back and be his girlfriend (oh NOW he wants me as his gf? what a joke). I kept telling him that it's crap, and that I was getting sick of it, and yet... I still would answer his texts. FINALLY last time we spoke, I told him to NEVER contact me again, deleted and blocked his FaceBook, deleted his phone number, and so far so good, he has not attempted to contact me again, but I am confident that if he did that I would be able to ignore it. I'm FINALLY past that horrible 3-4 year drama saga.

 

I too lost a lot of friends throughout this scenario. It did show me who was there for me in the long haul. I now have maybe 3 or 4 people I call friends, everyone else is now just an acquaintance.

 

I do suppose there's plenty of time for those that have wronged me to get what they deserve, I'm still quite young (23). I just hope that my future relationships finally are happy and fulfilling ones (even if they don't work out!). Although I do have a love interest currently, it's such a terrible situation that I've decided to let go. You can take a look if you'd like, I'll warn you it's a bit long. It's in this same friend/lovers section "best friends for 10 years" thread.

 

I'll admit that even now I have a bit of that blinded "but MY situation is an exceptional circumstance so I know it will turn out different" aspect to my thinking. But at least I'm acknowledging that... my past experience with the horrible user FWB has taught me to open my eyes more to all facets of a situation even if I might still make a silly choice. I do think that there ARE aspects of my situation that make it a tougher call, but still... a bad situation is a bad situation. Nothing to do but get out.

 

And please do stick around here, I'm so happy you updated this thread! It's wonderful for all of us I'll stick around as well