Anyone else unavailable emotionally after severe emotional or physical abuse?

[Brit]

I still feel so dead inside, and even though I have met an extremely engaging, gorgeous, interesting person, I cannot even force myself to communicate effectively. I have not answered any of their calls, (looked up facts relentlessly today about antiques???) and pretended to be sick so I would not have to go to a gathering that was put together for me, ignored his calls, barely text.

Is this just a sign I am not ready, it has been a long time already, I would think it would be normal to be ready!

[Brit]

I have only been outside this summer 3 days (not exagerrating), all i do is ball up and cry 24/7. I do not want to leave the house. I do, but I can't and don't. Not sure what is going on.

[Taramere]

Are you getting any sort of professional support?

[Brit]

I do, but in reality the only person who can help me, is me. I am apparently doing a horrible job. I am always at the vortex of tears. Maybe it is a physical ailment, causing so many tears.

I am also thinking this has become my coping mechanism, basically living life as a agoraphobic, without the actual fear, just do not have any life left in me. i used to engage in interesting conversations, laugh.....this is gone. Hopefully a long phase, and not permanent.

[Taramere]

Are you on any sort of medication, Brit? Ultimately yes, it's down to you to help you, but I think when people are in the situation you're in they do need others to help them through it.

 

One thing I think a lot of people find, when they're trying to recover from something difficult, is that animals can have a very healing presence. They don't judge, and often they seem to have an instinct for human emotion and an instinct for exactly the right way to respond to it.

 

Also, being out in the countryside can be very soothing. Do you have opportunities to get into therapeutic environments like that?

[amaysngrace]

I think it's normal to detach yourself from others when you've been abused. At least it's normal for me.

 

I agree you should get help if it's keeping you from having a healthy relationship.

 

Maybe somewhere deep in your psyche you don't think you deserve someone so good in your life because you've been programmed to think that from the abuse?

 

It isn't true and it was wrong for someone to devalue you.

 

Value yourself now and please get help.

 

Be well.

[turnera]

I do, but in reality the only person who can help me, is me.

This is SO not true. Psychologists go to school for a LOT OF YEARS to learn how to help you. They offer things you can't do on your own. You are doing yourself and everyone else who cares about you a disservice by giving up and making excuses.

[spiderowl]

It also sounds like you've become depressed. Medications can help as can counselling. If you haven't seen your doctor, it might make all the difference.

 

Anything which causes us to feel threatened and mistreated for any time is going to have a demoralising effect and might be traumatic. Such treatment can make a person ill. It's hard trying pull yourself out of a depression without any emotional support. Anti-depressants can make a lot of difference too.

 

It sounds like your body is telling you you can't cope with anything more on top of your own troubles at the moment. Being in a relationship involves caring for someone else and being able to respond to them, join in activities with them. If you are ill, you are not going to feel up to that. Treat the illness first and then you'll be more able to cope with interacting.

[Forever Learning]

 

I am always at the vortex of tears. Maybe it is a physical ailment, causing so many tears.

 

 

basically living life as a agoraphobic, without the actual fear, just do not have any life left in me.

 

 

i used to engage in interesting conversations, laugh.....this is gone.

 

You are likely depressed.

 

A big part of that is a change in brain chemistry. An anti-depressant can get your brain chemicals back on track.

 

I take a low dose of Celexa, (so cheap, like $4 a month) - it has done wonders for me!!!

 

You don't need to take it forever, maybe just a few months until you can get out of this funk.

 

Also, taking a multi vitamin, adequate iron for women, vitamin D (at least 5,000 units) and an Omega 3/6/9 blend (flax seed or fish derived, purified fish oil, mercury free) is very, VERY helpful as well.

 

Be sure you are eating lots of green leafy vegetables, fruits, whole grains.

 

Get 30 minutes exercise every day.

 

Build a social network of people to talk to. Get counseling.

 

Try an anti-depressant (research - some are harder to wean off than others, Celexa is middle of the road, Prozac is easier to wean off, Paxil is harder to wean off) -

 

anti-depressants are jump start to get you going again.

 

I think you sound as if you could seriously benefit from taking one, if only temporarily.

 

This may be a brain chemistry thing beyond your control. Very common, and this is why anti-depressants were created, to help people who are 'on the vortex of tears', etc, etc.

 

It's brain chemistry.

 

So easy to get headed back in the right direction, with counseling, anti-depressants, good nutrition, exercise, and friends to talk to.

 

All the best to you!!!!

Edited September 1, 2012 by Forever Learning

[Forever Learning]

Oh, and to answer your initial question - yes, I have very much experienced being emotionally unavailable and fear of intimacy due to the relationships I've had in life, beginning with my family of origin and the 16 year ding dong marriage to a bad guy.

 

But, onward and forward, I am working through it all as best I can from all angles, and with positive energy, spirit and intent.

 

And lots of reading, interacting with others, and learning!

 

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Not I!

[turnera]

Brit, update?

[CopingGal]

Brit, I feel like I'm going through a similar thing. I was abused emotionally and psychologically by my ex very, very badly. It was quite a while ago and I was wondering if I was at least ready for talking to men...not a relationship, just talking. I'm not even ready for that. My ex has dated everyone under the sun since I left him...oh yeah, he was cheating on me when he was with me.

 

I went to a dating site and put up a profile. I said I wanted to just talk to men, not date. I did get a response, but I wasn't even ready for that. I few days later, I left the dating site.

 

Then I found out today, my monster of an ex moved back to my area. He moved her once before to be near the woman he cheated on me with. Now he's back. I think he's in a gay relationship now. The wounds have been opened up and I cry and I cry.

 

But I don't think anything is wrong with me regarding not being ready to date. It really does take time. This man emotionally tortured me and harassed me. That is going to take a long time to get over, maybe a few years. I'm not in a rush to start dating again.

 

I think therapy is good. I'm starting therapy again this Friday. But also, be patient with yourself. If you were in a relationship for a long time, it takes a long time to heal esp. if u dated a bastard.

[M30USA]

Am I emotionally unavailable after abuse? Yes. And what's ridiculous is that my ex's father, while up on the witness stand in divorce court, said that I was "guarded and unaffected by things". Gee, I wonder why. He was just blind to the abuse by his daughter and didn't even stop to think WHY I might have been emotionally guarded and numb.

[NoMoreJerks]

I still feel so dead inside, and even though I have met an extremely engaging, gorgeous, interesting person, I cannot even force myself to communicate effectively. I have not answered any of their calls, (looked up facts relentlessly today about antiques???) and pretended to be sick so I would not have to go to a gathering that was put together for me, ignored his calls, barely text.

Is this just a sign I am not ready, it has been a long time already, I would think it would be normal to be ready!

I wouldnt' worry too much. Give yourself time. As much time as you need. Do not push yourself/stress yourself about getting over him/the abuse. That will make things worse, not better. Do things at the pace that your mind/heart are dictating. Without proper grieving, you will not heal completely.

 

I totally understand the feeling, though. Stay strong. Hugs.

 

In my case, it was severe emotional/psychological abuse. I can't even look at men anymore.

[Eve]

OP, these things take time to process and are best ordered within a safe environment with someone you can really trust. Hence I would go with the idea of finding someone to talk things through with.

 

I feel that I have been changed by my experiences but not in an overly negative way. Mainly I would say that I listen to my gut more than what others seem to. This made it difficult for me to envisage being with someone for a time but my Hubby is so easy to be around that, I don't know, he does not spark any level of resistance in me. He is very stable... and hot.

 

So, take time with yourself as you adjust to things.

 

Altogether, I would say to be careful of telling others what you have been through until you know they are trustworthy. This would be my only cautionary advice, as some can try to use it against you.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Brit]

Brit, update?

 

I am still working on it, thanks for asking. Am seeking guidance, although that alone is uncomfortable to me, talking to strangers, certified to listen to my BS.

I still feel dead inside and out. Only I can help myself, and I wish my mind would do so.

[turnera]

Thanks for updating. May I suggest that what you are saying is wrong, however. You are NOT the only one who can help you. Therapists attend at least 6 years of university, if not 9 or 10, to LEARN how to help you. They do know what they're doing and DO know how to help you. And they want to; it's why they chose that profession. I know, cos it's what my DD22 is in school for. You just have to push yourself outside your comfort zone.

[Brit]

Thanks for updating. May I suggest that what you are saying is wrong, however. You are NOT the only one who can help you. Therapists attend at least 6 years of university, if not 9 or 10, to LEARN how to help you. They do know what they're doing and DO know how to help you. And they want to; it's why they chose that profession. I know, cos it's what my DD22 is in school for. You just have to push yourself outside your comfort zone.

 

I understand what you are saying, and yes they have the credentials, and are trying to help. My therapist said recently, "wow, I am surprised you are still here." That pretty much sums it up. I am here, but not doing well, and not happy with this fact.

Something is not allowing me to push myself, and if I could find that answer and solution, it would be my personal gold mine. I am honest with myself and others, and do not date because of it, I have to many issues going on, and do not wish to share them or dump them on anyone, and I make sure to let them know this, not the issues, but that I wish to be alone at the moment.

[turnera]

Have you tried more specific areas of therapy, like tapping or CBT?