Thinking of leaving my disabled husband- guilt is stopping me

[loulouu]

For sometime now I have been thinking about leaving my husband. He is disabled and has been from birth. his mom used to care for him (cooking, cleaning, driving him around. he works but just cant cook, drive or do household jobs. his mom died last year and i have really struggled. i work 2 jobs, do all the housework, gardening, drive him up and down the country and run around after him. before we were together i was very social. we now live 200 miles from my family and friends and i am so lonely. i have made a few friends but it is not the same. my days are made up of making his breakfast, lunch and dinner, taking him to and from work while i then go to work. he wont stay in the house alone so i cant go home and visit my family and friends unless he comes with me. if he does he is grumpy and doesnt interact with anyone. he has a very very small circle of friends. the only thing stopping me from leaving him is the fact he has nobody. he is lazy and selfish, if i try and talk he doesnt want to know. i have told him i am his wife not a carer he employes!! we went to visit my family this weekend and while out for a meal with my friend and her bf i broke down in tears in the toilet. im only 25 and we have been together for 5 years (married for 2.5) and i dont want this for the rest of my life.

[mark982]

i got the same question? you knew all this going into the marriage,so why did u marry him? i by no means knocking you,just looking for a answer.

[PoopHappens]

That's three of us now. Why marry him in the first place?

[yongyong]

Yeah Marriage is about reality. maybe you got blindsided and it's fading.

 

Sure I might marry a chick who was healthy at that time. If she gets disabled or gets serious disease, I think I will leave her alone.

 

I am sure your parents will agree with you too.

[mark982]

that's alittle harsh don't you think?? it's ok to be married to them while they are heathy, but god forbid they get sick or a disease strikes them...sorry for the threadjack.

[blotter]

Sounds like the outcome of following altruism to its logical end. Altruism is some evil stuff but we are taught it is good, go figure. Maybe this quote can help:

 

"Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute is self-sacrifice–which means self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial self-destruction–which means the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good. Do not hide behind such superficialities as whether you should or should not give a dime to a beggar. This is not the issue. The issue is whether you do or do not have the right to exist without giving him that dime. The issue is whether you must keep buying your life, dime by dime, from any beggar who might choose to approach you. The issue is whether the need of others is the first mortgage on your life and the moral purpose of your existence. The issue is whether man is to be regarded as a sacrificial animal. Any man of self-esteem will answer: No. Altruism says: Yes." - Ayn Rand

Edited August 7, 2012 by blotter

[xenomorph]

I see a possible solution here: hire a caretaker. Think of the time and energy you spend as a $ amount, and decide an X amount of hours or days this caretaker should cover for you to feel autonomous again.

 

Having a disability means having to deal with feelings of inadequacy *all the time*. Perhaps with some of the burden lifted, both you and your husband will be able to see the relationship for what it is, without the hardship of care-taking getting in the way.

 

This is not to say that hiring a caretaker will fix everything and mend the relationship, but it will remove a very large elephant in the room that will allow you both to get on the same level. Remove stress factors, see what happens to his and your temperment.

 

Yeah Marriage is about reality. maybe you got blindsided and it's fading.

 

Sure I might marry a chick who was healthy at that time. If she gets disabled or gets serious disease, I think I will leave her alone.

Wow. Just wow.

 

Be sure to mention this to your future significant other, and see how she feels about it.

[darkmoon]

my brother has multiple sclerosis- he never says a sad word - he walks on two sticks which is hard cuz he supports his entire body's weight with is soon to be also useless arms, then his sight will go ....he's v disabled, his wife waits in him hand and foot

 

he never says a word of misery - not say disabilliy is easy but ...

 

whatever u liked when dating husband, he had his redeeming features persumably, are now not part of your relationship

 

i think u are looking for this forum to say to leave him

he is driving u away

[2sure]

Disabled or not, you must be treated well and not treated like his mother.

He can understand that but not accept it. You can accept his decision and leave.

[dangerous]

Hi Loulou

I sympathise, am in similar situation but I'm a man with slightly disabled wife (FMS). I've had 20 years of a 24 year marriage where I've been 'carrying' my wife. Ive been unhappy for most of the time and despite her promising to change her attitude and contribute more to the marriage she's the same or worse than ever with her demands on my time and emotional drain. I've finally decided to leave - watch this space over the coming few days!

That's my experience after 20 years, you probably don't want to waste so much time!!

[shayla]

If you love this man and want to stay with him,hire someone to care for him. You cannot do it by yourself. You have to take care of yourself too. If he doesn't like it, too bad! You deserve to have a life too.

 

You have to assert yourself and decide that you are worth being treated with respect. Your husbands disability doesn't give him the right to treat you like you are his slave.