Still asking too many questions about his FIRST marriage, without even realising it!

[Thinkalot]

OK...so many of you know the background to my issues. I am overcoming OCD...being obsessed for the most part with my fiance's past..his past life before me...his first marriage...his ex wife. I nearly drove him away for good last year with all my questions and insecurities...and obsessions! Feeling like I NEED to ask...the thoughts and questions which were ALWAYS in my head.

 

Now, they aren't always in my head. In fact they aren't there much at all. I have a good job as a TV journo, I'm midway through a writing course which is going really well...I've also been getting some travel articles published in local papers..I'm back doing a sport I love (modern dancing...and about to compete soon)...AND the best bit-I'm engaged to a wonderful man and planning a wedding in Fiji.

 

So...all these wonderful things fill my head space these days. Except when I am with my love. Then, they fill my head MOST, but not all the time. And the worst trigger point right now, is talk of our wedding. I so often ask questions about his first wedding. So I'll be talking about an idea I have for ours, and say "did you do that?".

 

I didn't realise it was happening very much. I am happy, and so much calmer on the inside than I used to be. But last night, i said one of THOSE questions, and he snapped at me. I shut up quick smart...but he stayed tense. A bit later, I asked if something was bothering him- that's when he told me, that my questions about his first wedding are really getting to him. I was surprised, because I did not even realise it was happening much! I said as much, and then he started to list the times it has happened, and he has just let it slide. I realised then, I've got to do something to curb this more.

 

I honestly convince myself I think, that I am just being curious when I ask. The usual warning signs that I am being obsessive or neurotic aren't there. I don't feel anxious, or sick in the tummy or anything. And when he tries to be patient, and answers me, and we move on...I don't realise how much I have frustrated him underneath!

 

Is the answer trying to be even more aware when the topic of weddings comes up? After all, he married 10 whole years ago now, and hardly remembers details. Plus, we are doing are own thing, going to Fiji...and I don't want to be anything like his first wife. On some level, I obviously am still competing.

[moimeme]

I think you need a signal for him to use that lets you know that you've done it again. Though, ideally, you would recognize, yourself, when you're thinking about his first marriage. It's as though it's a reflex with you - from the sounds of it it's ingrained pretty badly. Too bad these things can't just be amputated!

[Thinkalot]

Yes, cut out the bits that aren't needed and cause trouble.

 

A reflex.... I guess you're right. So ingrained, that it doesn't come out after lots of ruminating...it's almost an automated query, one that I am hardly aware I am asking.

 

It's lovely that he's trying so hard to be patient...too bad it means I then sometimes don't realise when I've stuffed up.

 

I think however, with a small amount of conscious effort when wedding talk comes up..I should be able to become more aware of what is coming out of my mouth, before it does! And no more telling myself somehow, that it's normal innocent curiousity. Because it isn't. And we all know that.

[moimeme]

And no more telling myself somehow, that it's normal innocent curiousity. Because it isn't. And we all know that.

 

Ah yes... self-deception Only works for so long, though...

[Thinkalot]

Indeed.

[Thinkalot]

BTW, I have spoken with another girl, marrying someone who's been married before, and she admitted she has also asked many questions and compared...so it's probably not all that uncommon...however, considering my history of obsessing and question asking about so many other things..is not good!

[Debster]

thinkalot,

 

IMO, there are some women who can handle the fact that their fiance/husband was married before and there are others who can't. In fact, I didn't want to find someone who was married before because I knew it would bother me - for much of the same reasons it bothers you. I feel that you are one of those women who can't deal with it - but I do know where you care coming from.

 

HOWEVER, you have already met, fell in love with and got engaged to a man who is married. If you don't want to screw your marriage up before it is even started, I highly advise you to get over it fast and no matter how hard it is for you. Go to counselling. Pinch yourself if you even start thinking about her or his prior marriage/wedding. Don't make him have to police your thoughts. This is your issue. Not his. He can't change his past and he will definitely not want someone constantly bringing it up. Deal with it or decide that you can't and break up.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

Debster, you might be interested to read Thinkalot's posts. She has OCD and is being treated for it with meds and counselling. It's not an easy condition to beat, but she's been doing great. She visits LS to vent when she runs into glitches and some other members who been treated successfully for it often weigh in with their experiences.

 

It's a difficult and frustrating condition for those who have it and their loved ones, but folks like Thinkalot, who work hard at beating it, can definitely get it under control.

[Debster]

moimeme,

 

Debster, you might be interested to read Thinkalot's posts.

 

I DID read her post, thanks. I admit, I haven't read her entire life history or post/threads on Loveshack though, but I did know about the OCD. I do know a little bit about OCD from working at a psychiatric hospital and participating in patient care meetings. While I am in no way an expert and admit my knowledge is limited and from about 8 years ago, I am not ignorant about OCD.

 

If her obsession IS limited to his previous life/wife/marriage as she alludes to in the opening of her post:

 

I am overcoming OCD...being obsessed for the most part with my fiance's past..his past life before me...his first marriage...his ex wife.

 

And before this she was fine and did not obsess over things, than her condition is directly related to her fiance. Granted, I bet people will disagree with me on this, but if she was fine before and her 'OCD' only cropped up when she was with this guy, than in my opinion, it is more insecurity and self-esteem issues rather than OCD. Hence the reason I added that there are some women who can deal with being with someone who was married previously and others who can't. I probably would have been paranoid too about his former wife/relationships - but that does not make me OCD.

 

HOWEVER, I will say though that I did not read her previous posts/threads about OCD so I may be wrong in that she had symptoms and triggers beforehand. But judging on just what was posted here, I stand by my post.

[moimeme]

And before this she was fine and did not obsess over things

 

I did not read her previous posts/threads about OCD so I may be wrong in that she had symptoms and triggers beforehand.

 

Well, if you had read them, you would have found out that she indeed had symptoms and triggers beforehand and that other members of her family also do.

 

And, interestingly, a professional has diagnosed her with OCD so I'm guessing it is likely not just insecurity.

[Debster]

moimeme,

 

Jeez, I didn't realize that in order to respond to a post you expect someone to have read ALL of their previous threads and posts - which in this case would be 20+ threads started by thinkalot. I didnt' realize this was a research class.

 

Based on what she posted in THIS thread, I responded.

By the way, you took what I wrote out of context. The complete thought was:

If her obsession IS limited to his previous life/wife/marriage as she alludes to in the opening of her post:

 

quote:

I am overcoming OCD...being obsessed for the most part with my fiance's past..his past life before me...his first marriage...his ex wife.

 

 

And before this she was fine and did not obsess over things, than her condition is directly related to her fiance.

 

Above all else, I don't really care whether or not you like my advice. After all, it was advice directed at Thinkalot, not you. However, I think you took it personally.

[meanon]

I realised then, I've got to do something to curb this more.

 

There comes a point in treatment of OCD when it all comes together but you're just short of the final hurdle. The meds are the right type at the right dose, you have a variety of means at your disposal to handle whatever crops up and the experience of knowing what works best when. The last step is to just stop asking those questions. Sounds simple but having spent years at the mercy of the condition it requires a leap of faith to say: If I mess up it's understandable but it's also my responsibility because I am no longer a victim of this illness, I'm in charge.

 

Do you think you can stop asking, Thinkalot? It is particularly hard to have to edit your thoughts to that degree before you speak. Once you've changed and stablised the meds, I think you can do it. Do you believe it? If not that's the "something more" you can work on.

[Thinkalot]

Hello all.

 

Firstly to clear up a few things. My feelings on this matter are a mix of OCD driven thoughts, and insecurity I believe. The self-esteem stuff can tend to be wrapped up in it all, and it's hard to see where the dividing line is.

 

Debster...as moimeme says, I have suffered OCD in relation to other things in my life before this. Such as obsessively counting calories and developing an eating disorder. My Dad has long suffered this condition also. i don't expect you to know all that though!

 

However, I would say it attached itself to my fiance's past /ex-wife etc, because that is a point of vulnerability for me...because I do get competitive, and insecure. When we met, I did wish that he had NOT been married before, as I knew I would have trouble with it. However, I was not about to turn my back on the best love I'd ever found because of that!

 

I am much better than I was, and your point that:

 

Originally posted by Debster

If you don't want to screw your marriage up before it is even started, I highly advise you to get over it fast and no matter how hard it is for you. Go to counselling. Pinch yourself if you even start thinking about her or his prior marriage/wedding. Don't make him have to police your thoughts. This is your issue. Not his. He can't change his past and he will definitely not want someone constantly bringing it up. Deal with it or decide that you can't and break up.

.

 

is taken on board, let me assure you! I thank you for responding and trying to help.

I was however, already fully aware of the damaging effects this can have, hence me posting here to both vent, and look for other solutions, particularly as my awareness of the question asking seemed to have dulled, owing to it being almost automated...or perhaps habit even.

 

It is not my fiance's job to 'manage' me, but he can certainly assist, by keeping me aware.

 

I have much respect and love for him for standing by me through this!

 

meanon...thanks. I am seeing a new doctor next week, to see about switching meds. Is it hard to stop asking? Yes, when I am with him, it is. It is an effort to edit what I am saying. BUT...I do believe I can do it! I see your point there. I need to keep determined andpositive and believe it does not need to stay this way.

 

last night, I made an effort to be more aware of things I was about to say. I pulled myself up a few times actually, and to my great relief, I did not find it hard to simply move on, and past them. So I shall keep doing that, and soon it will become the new habit!

 

The freedom I now have in my life in general, compared to before, is wonderful, and the relief I feel is immense. No longer do I sit at work, a bundle of nerves and thoughts rolling around and around.

 

This last bit will get easier soon too, I am sure.

 

moimeme...thanks for your constant understanding.

 

And to you all...I have been spending some time on a bridal chat site (can't help it- I'm excited)...and I brought up the subject of comparing first weddings etc. I lot of the women there said they could relate, and shared ways they had stopped themselves from asking about all the details of an earlier wedding. I know my condition is complicated because of my OCD, but it has still been helpful with this particular subject, to share thoughts with others who have been in the same boat, and through insecurity of whatever, had to overcome the comparing thing.

[meanon]

I have been spending some time on a bridal chat site

 

LOL - A bridal chat site! What next?

 

This last bit will get easier soon too, I am sure

 

It will

[Thinkalot]

LOL meanon! The bridal chat site is quite a laugh. There are all sorts of new acronyms...such as H2B (husband to be) etc... I did not know until now that a whole conversation could revolve around the colour of table napkins...but believe me, it can!

 

Thankfully, I don't need to worry about that stuff, going to Fiji.

 

Bunnyboy thinks it's hilarious, saying he never knew I could be 'such a chic' (i'm usually not terribly girly).

[moimeme]

I pulled myself up a few times actually, and to my great relief, I did not find it hard to simply move on, and past them. So I shall keep doing that, and soon it will become the new habit!

 

The freedom I now have in my life in general, compared to before, is wonderful, and the relief I feel is immense. No longer do I sit at work, a bundle of nerves and thoughts rolling around and around.

 

 

I'm SO happy for you!

[Thinkalot]

Just thought I'd admit something on here.

 

I'm becoming friends with a couple of girls my fiance works with. I'm a bit of a loner a lot of the time, and it takes me a while to form friendships. Anyway...we've taken to walking in our lunchbreaks about once a week,and we chatter away for the hour.

 

Last week, while walking, they wanted to know if I'd met my fiance's ex-wife. They were just curious...said how when he first joined the company (not long after his split from the ex) he mentioned her sometimes...and they wondered what she was like etc.

 

Well, such a silly thing, suddenly had me feeling so anxious! I said I hadn't met her...and said what she looked like. I even confessed that I'd been very insecure about the whole thing....and it was good to talk to them about it and be honest. But I didn't tell them, that them bringing her up like that, suddenly made me feel so awful.

 

At first I couldn't understand why. Later, i thought about it. I came upon some old emails one day, which my fiance had exchanged with the ex, after their split, and after she had cheated on him, and when he'd already taken up his current job here (in a new area too). They still used cutesy nicknames and stuff...and finding it made me feel really funny, because I met him not long after those emails had been sent...and I guess it was important for me to know, he still wasn't emailing her, and calling her sweet names...I was also shocked, considering she'd cheated on him.

 

Anyway, I handled that, as it was one of MY silly issues. But I think them mentioning those things the other day, made me think of that stuff. Like a trigger.

 

Anyway, I was shaken the rest of that day...old obsessive thought running around in my head. I was also annoyed it affected me like that! So stupid!

 

Anyway...it's done and over with now. By the very next day I was over it in fact...and felt more balanced and 'normal' (whatever that is) again.

 

I guess I just wanted to share...and admit...I still can get pretty upset over dumb sh*t!

 

And pav..if u happen to read this, it might make you feel relieved to know how human we all are!

[marribell]

I have had the same. It was a year ago. I found an old letter that my fiancée wrote to his ex after she cheated on him and left. When you said shaking all day…I thought I will go crazy. I had to go through lot to come over it. But I guess I am not really over it and that is the reason of my post about the ring. [Honestly the thought to have that ring is disgusting to me now. I don’t want it at all .] So he was also telling in that letter that he is planning to get her a new ring …. I still shake when I remember about reading that letter. I know he loves me, I wouldn’t marry him otherwise, but it is so hard to control all that obsessive ideas. Here is a question I worry about. Do we all men and women save a part in our heart for an ex? My answer is yes. I have a corner for my ex husband. I love him in a special way but I don’t love them as a man, just as some relative, part of my past. Sometimes I just want to hug him to talk with him. My fiancée says he hates his ex. ???That he has been with her only because he never knew me. LOL He just wants to please me I quess. Just the thought that they were so long married. I know you can’t be in love with too people at the same time. You are right if he is marrying you it means that you are the only woman he loves. Also read about one of your old posts here about keeping the old letters from ex. He keeps them in a nice box. For my letters he doesn’t have a box yet. Also when we met he had her pics carrying with him. He never has my one. Even though I know he loves me. Our sexual life is extreme active. With ex they had once a week thing last years of marriage. I am much younger then her. [Well as I am being honest here I won’t be modish]…I also look better than she does. We are so connected. They were not. She had her own friends and he his own. They hardly talked. I am so stupid to compare all this, I know but I do. So my thought are all mixed. Wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your thoughts. That I can understand you. I wish you all the best with your wedding. When is it?

[Thinkalot]

marribell...I'm getting married next April in Fiji...you?

 

The comparison trap is a really bad one isn't it?? I've done it all. I still do, and try not to! Add to that the tendency to obsess, andit's a tough mix.

 

I often envy others who don't seem to compare, obsess, or be insecure.

 

Thanks for your post. Try not to compare anymore. You have to stop it somewhere. That's what I realise now. Otherwise it's tough to be at peace, and to live in the present...and to focus on the future.

 

I understand you too. Good luck!

[marribell]

Our wedding is in 3 weeks. I am happy and worried at the same time. Have lot to do right now. We have arranged a beautiful small wedding. Then will go for a wonderful trip. We had to decide between Europe and Australia. We have been traveling lot in Europe last years, still there is so much to explore! We are thinking to go to Australia next summer. Fiji is a great idea!