Any hope?

[John85]

Hi everyone. Sorry, I don't know if this is the right section of the forum to post in. I am just basically trying to figure out if theres hope in reconciling with my ex girlfriend anytime soon, whether I should move on, or just chill out and focus on me for a while.

 

 

My ex girlfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. We had lived together for almost 4 years. I am now 27 and she’s almost 25. We started this relationship young (21 and 19) and immature. We had lot of issues. I have worked on a lot my issues a lot since the break up, but I still have a long way to go. We have both worked through some of our main issues since the breakup, however my ex got a new boyfriend about 3 weeks out of the relationship. She struggles being alone, to the point where she can’t even drive home in silence. It was an old friend from high school and he was there for her through these tough times. He also is the complete opposite from me. I am very driven, focused, and not very social outside people I’m close to. He is party type person, drinks a lot, and stuff like that. She says it’s good because it allows her to compare him to me and learn a lot about herself, what went wrong with us, and what she wants. There are lots of things about him that are now starting to bother her. They also have been fighting quite a bit lately due to her openly displaying her feelings towards me, and still being in contact with me sometimes and seeing me sometimes. She loves me a lot still and is struggling to get over me herself.

 

 

 

These past 3 months have been the hardest of my life, but I have realized a lot about myself. I am trying to make myself a much better person now, but it is hard because I think about my ex so much. I know what I need to do, but I am exhausted and miss her a lot.

 

 

I have tried to be strong during this time period, and have stayed no contact for a couple weeks at a time. But something has usually come up, and to be honest we both miss each other a lot. That’s what makes this so hard for us. We both love each other a lot and we both are struggling to get over each other. She admits this, even today. We also have two pets that I have custody of at the moment that we both love a lot.

 

 

I want my ex back, and I want it to work this time. Right now, what I believe I need to do is somehow push this all to the side, and focus on getting myself back together. Meanwhile, she can do the same. I do believe we are good for each other, but our relationship was not right. We had a bad foundation, bad communication, she was immature, and I was a little dependent. Due to working at home and not being very social, I also made her feel trapped. If this extremely painful experience has taught me anything, it’s how to not be like this, as I have had to let her free. It has tore me up beyond what I thought was possible. I have been forced to be patient and independent, in a time where I don’t know how I can go on. I also used to always have to have instant resolution to any problem or fight in our relationship, while she avoided them. I have also been forced to accept things are not always able to be solved instantaneously.

 

 

I believe the best thing for me to do at the moment is to just let her be. Let her learn what she needs to learn. I could be wrong, but I can’t help but think that her and her current boyfriend will struggle and not work as she learns more and more. I was very understanding and made unbelievable attempts at taking care of her, and she took me for granted. She had issues with a lot of the little things that bother people about the other, and could not overcome them. I also think this is due to not living with anyone else in her life. However, she is noticing these things about the new guy now, I think. He also is having some major issues about her feelings towards me and her talking to me occasionally. She has a lot of insecurities and knows no one gets her like me, obviously after 5 years. Based on this guy’s history and lack of long term relationship experience, I really don’t think he’ll understand her and that will frustrate her. She is starting to realize how high maintenance she was and how wrong she was on a lot of her issues. However, she is still seeing the guy.

 

 

She says she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want to be with me right now. She says she should. We worked through our major issues that messed up our relationship. She still struggles without me, and loves me deeply. She would love to just get back together with me, get a place together, and have our pets. But something is stopping her. I think she needs to learn more about herself and relationships, and she needs to know it will be different. I think she needs to not feel trapped. I think my best course of action is to let her and her new bf do their thing. As he and her fight about things, she’ll realize that I am not trapping her. That I have grown. That I am now able to handle issues much more maturely and be more independent. She also is scared of how painful it will be if I move on and find someone else.

 

 

I think I need to just go no contact or limited contact. We are not interested in being friends, either of us. I can’t do anything about the relationship anyways, so I might as well just chill out and step back. I feel like if I just sit back and focus on me, she’ll come around and hopefully we’ll be good long-term. But I know it’s bad to think like this. I can’t hold myself back and not move on because of her. Thankfully, there is a lot I need to fix about myself before I get another girlfriend anyways. I also have a business I am trying to start, which would hopefully help financially for long-term. So it would not be a waste to focus on myself for a little while anyways. I think this is what I need to do. Hopefully, I would not be crushed if this doesn’t happen. But if we don’t work out, at least I’ll be datable again.

 

 

I believe I have been through the worst part of the breakup but it still kills me every day. I still miss her every day. I don’t want to hold on to false hope, but I believe we still have a chance. I believe this was a wake-up call for us and will make us better in the long run. We obviously weren’t right before, and I really see that now.

 

 

I was just looking for a little insight on the matter by posting here. Am I wrong to think that their relationship shouldn't last? Should I just drop hope and move on and if she comes back she comes back? I know it sounds dumb, but I also am afraid to move on because I believe she might come back, and that I’ll be forced to make a tough decision that could hurt her or someone else. Should I just put all this mess on the back-burner while I try to focus on me? How do I remove this from my everyday thoughts so that it stops inhibiting me from fixing me? Any other help would be great too. Thanks.

Edited August 6, 2012 by John85

[Lone Blue]

This sounds like G.I.G.S.

 

That being said, I would go NC. For as long as you're in contact with her, you're not allowing her to miss you. Rather, she feels she can have you whenever she wants and that's unfair to you. Aside from that, NC also allows you to move on and heal given the possibility that she may not crack and realize that she had the good life with you.

 

As for this guy, I say he's a rebound. After five years in a relationship, jumping ship and getting into a relationship so soon, well... it's bound to fail, but hey, I could be wrong. Once in awhile, you do have an exception to the rule. Still, I wouldn't do anything in relation to this guy; if you say or do anything, it will only put you in a bad light. Her affection for him will eventually fizzle naturally.

 

For now, as hard as it sounds, FOCUS ON YOU. Don't worry about whether she comes to her senses or not. WORRY ABOUT YOU. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if she comes back (which it seems like will), then torture her a bit before accepting her.

 

Wishing you luck on your romantic woes. xoxo

[John85]

Thanks Lone Blue. I looked into the G.I.G.S. thing, and it does seem to be the case. I know that she still misses me a lot. But its not enough right now. And the more I stay in contact with her, the more we probably lose the chance at reconciliation later. We love/miss each other right now, so I guess we should let that be how it ends.

 

This has actually been going on a long time now that I look at it. She started going out partying more about a year and a half ago. A lot of other things happened that hurt our relationship more. She has always loved me very much but now that I look back at it, we should have split at this point in time. At least for the time being.

 

With me not letting her go, she felt trapped and it caused many other problems. It caused a year and a half of dragged out pain for us both. I still do believe she loves me a lot, and wishes she could be with me. But I think she needs this time to finally feel free. I think it will end, but I am afraid I will be gone by then.

 

She had also missed out on the college experience and party stage that many people go through, because I had already been through that. Although she did try to go through this while being with me because I didn't let her go. This was a mistake. The signs where there. I just didn't understand at the time. At that time in my life, I was thinking long term such as marriage, and she was thinking she missed out on something in life. This is true even though she had wanted to get married early on in the relationship. But about 2.5-3 years into our relationship, she felt like missed out on something in life. And it caused an insane amount of stress on our relationship. I just didn't understand why it was happening. I tried to solve things and fix us. But there was no answer or fix, she needed to be let free to experience life.

 

She is also still trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life and she is very upset that she is where she is. I did nothing but support her on this subject, but its her that has to make it happen. I think she will figure this out and be fine. It just all takes time, and independence.

 

I guess there's not anything I can do. This is her time to figure out what she wants and what the world is all about. It's just difficult. I will try to separate myself from this and focus on me, as much as it hurts. She is still going through this phase and there's nothing I can do but let it happen. By seeing this other guy, she is learning about what she wants. She is seeing faults with herself that caused us a lot of issues. I am glad for this. It just hurts still. I have to learn how to let go of our memories. I have to learn how to rebuild my life. I guess shes needed this for a long time and it was out of our hands. I just hope I don't lose her forever, no matter whose decision that is later.

 

Thanks again.

Edited August 6, 2012 by John85

[irish31]

I'm going through the same thing with gf of 4 years except no rebound, just casual dating i think, im not sure bc im nc for 3 months. I'm growing a greater understanding of what this gigs thing really is. It almost seems to be a right of passage for young women in long term relationships who feel they have missed out. They are unhappy with themselves and where their life is and when women are unhappy or bored they will generally place the blame on the person closest to them. Its very natural for women to be curious and when they have never gotten the opportunity to feed on their curiosity it will eventually get the best of them. Give her time to realize what she had. Don't be desperate and don't speak to her unless she initiates. When she does initiate keep it short and always be i a hurry to end it. I realized after the first month of begging and pleading that i was being just as selfish as she was by wanting the opposite of what she wanted. Give her the time that she needs and if she comes back decide from there what you want to do. I know where your at and im there too. It hurts like hell and theres no way of relieving your mind from it. Theres nothing you can do to get her back. If she returns itll be because she has decided to on her own. Give her time to make that descision and i hope it works out for us =)