Safe Sex in an affair

[Goldfsh79]

I've read a few posts where unsafe sex was happening in the affair and I guess I'm curious as to why.

 

I know when I was having an affair, MM didn't want to use a condom. I insisted. He didn't want to for THREE months so I denied him. Later, he decided to, bought them on his own, and it was fine.

 

I can't imagine not having sex safely with anyone, but especially in this situation (we are both married).

 

What if he/she gave you something? What if you got pregnant?

 

I can't imagine those scenarios, and why you would put 4 (or 3) people at risk with unsafe sex.

Edited August 6, 2012 by Goldfsh79

[MissBee]

I practice safe sex ALWAYS --- period.

 

If I was with a guy that I knew for a fact was with someone else (whatever on him saying he doesn't sleep with his wife ). If you have a wife...I'd rather be safe than sorry.

 

I don't want to be pregnant for a guy I'm not in a committed, open/non-secret relationship with and I also am not interested in chancing diseases.

[durentu]

soooo.... cheating is OK so long as it's safe sex?

[MissBee]

soooo.... cheating is OK so long as it's safe sex?

 

It's not, but it's a smarter form of cheating

 

I've always said that while I don't want my husband to cheat on me...IF he did, I'd hope he was considerate and smart enough to use protection. If he didn't...I think that would most surely make reconciling a no go.

[goodthingscome]

Finally, a voice of reason!!! Let's be honest, the majority of affairs are based/built on deceit and lies so why would you believe that person about anything, much less their sexual history? And who would want to get pregnant by someone who is legally committed to someone else, and most likely has a family.

 

A child should never be a tool to get "your" man, just like children shouldn't be conceived in order to "save" a marriage.

 

I know the moral standard has lowered alot, but the thought of having to tell my child that their father was married to someone else and I was his "girlfriend"... makes me cringe. What a role model I would be, not!

[2sunny]

So now cheating is ok as long as you use a condom?

 

Why don't you ask your husband if HE'S ok with YOUR lack of boundaries..

[veryhappy]

Condoms do not make sex safe, just safer. Condoms ar excellent at preventing pregnancy when corectly used, so they can definintely be trusted with that. I believe people should still discuss actual tests even when condoms are used.

 

I can see sex without a condom happening for two reasons: trust (that in most cases shouldn't be there) and stupidity (this includes the man pressuring for no condom because he doesn't like it).

[woinlove]

I've read a few posts where unsafe sex was happening in the affair and I guess I'm curious as to why.

 

I know when I was having an affair, MM didn't want to use a condom. I insisted. He didn't want to for THREE months so I denied him. Later, he decided to, bought them on his own, and it was fine.

 

I can't imagine not having sex safely with anyone, but especially in this situation (we are both married).

 

What if he/she gave you something? What if you got pregnant?

 

I can't imagine those scenarios, and why you would put 4 (or 3) people at risk with unsafe sex.

 

I've also been surprised at the lack of safe sex one reads about in affair situations and the number of unplanned pregnancies during affairs. I've seen some studies concluding people are less likely to practice safe sex when the sexual situation itself is risky. Older men having sex with teens are less likely to practice safe sex than two teens together, for example. Perhaps something to do with human psychology and once they figure they are taking one risk, they take others as well.

[MissBee]

I've also been surprised at the lack of safe sex one reads about in affair situations and the number of unplanned pregnancies during affairs. I've seen some studies concluding people are less likely to practice safe sex when the sexual situation itself is risky. Older men having sex with teens are less likely to practice safe sex than two teens together, for example. Perhaps something to do with human psychology and once they figure they are taking one risk, they take others as well.

 

Hmm kinda makes sense.

 

But that's just a sore topic for me. I just feel it's careless in an A, of all things, to decide to trust in that way. I also think "trust" is not a good excuse...as clearly husbands and wives are married (which is supposed to be the safest and most trusting relationship in terms of sex and monogamy) so feel no need to use condoms, , yet daily married men and woman sleep with other people on the side, as we read here, condom-less and fancy-free and their spouses are none the wiser-- then many have sex with their spouses too. Yes yes, the MP is not having sex with their spouse because they told you so...just like their spouse thinks they aren't having sex with anyone else because they are married to them and have NOT informed them of this new development. Evidently trusting someone isn't doing something doesn't mean they aren't. We have to dole out trust as necessary and frankly, I don't see how them being married, sleeping in the same bed or you not being at their house makes you certain they never get the urge to have sex with their spouse. I suppose you can trust it but it would be a shock to hardly anyone if it was absolutely not true. That said, call me cynical and unromantic, but the last person I'm having unprotected sex with is a married person .

 

If you want it raw so much, you can divorce your spouse, get tested with me and we can go to town! Otherwise, that's just one special treatment you will NOT get from me as your OW. *shrugs* I guess as an OW there were certain stipulations I had (I never had unprotected sex for one, and I also never promised to be faithful to him). Fair is fair and I personally refuse to give you everything I would a normal boyfriend in such a situation. It's only smart IMO. So long as my role is OW...even if we try to act like it's not that way and say oh we're bf/gf blah blah..sorry..so long as another person is in the picture who thinks you're in a relationship with them, you live with them etc. then there are certain limitations on how much I'm gonna give. You haven't earned those extra privileges IMO.

Edited August 6, 2012 by MissBee

[Radagast]

We used condoms initially, as neither had the expectation that the other would be sexually exclusive. As she was a HIV / AIDS counsellor she was scrupulous about minimising the risk of transmission and about testing regularly for all sorts of STIs so we practised safer sex. After we realised we had both been sexually exclusive with each other for a considerable period we loosened up on the condoms but continued to test regularly and to maintain strict hygienic practices which we still do although after years of marriage we have dropped the regular testing.

[woinlove]

Not practising safe sex may be correlated with the deception in secret affairs. Here's one excerpt:

 

The study, which was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, examined over 1,600 people and their condom use inside of their relationships. According to their findings, unfaithful couples were 27 percent less likely to use condoms during vaginal intercourse and 35 percent less likely to use condoms during anal sex. People who were in an open relationship and had sexual affairs, with the consent of their partner, were more likely to practice safer sex. In other words, people who had affairs without their partner’s knowledge were less likely to use protection.

[Radagast]

It is interesting to me that the weak link was not us in the EMR, it was our partners. So really the only way to make sure you are not at risk is for married couples to use protection, no?

 

My wife used to say something similar. She said it was interesting that most people took great care to practise safer sex with their lovers, but weren't bothered with their spouses and took no precautions to protect either themself or their spouse from infection.

[Radagast]

Not practising safe sex may be correlated with the deception in secret affairs. Here's one excerpt:

 

I guess it makes logical sense. If you and your partner / spouse know you are not sexually exclusive, there will be an acceptance or expectation of safer sex. If you are claiming to be, then insisting on safer sex is likely to raise suspicion since the expectation in many countries is that within monogamous sexually exclusive couples safer sex is not practised.

[woinlove]

My wife used to say something similar. She said it was interesting that most people took great care to practise safer sex with their lovers, but weren't bothered with their spouses and took no precautions to protect either themself or their spouse from infection.

 

The only studies I have seen find that safe sex is less likely to be practiced with secret affair partners than in non-monogamous relationships where there is no such deception. So your anecdotal information about practicing safe sex with lovers (if by that you mean an affair partner) does not agree with studies. The Michigan study, for example, used hundreds of cases for each of open/negotiated non-monogamous relationships and infidelity (secret affairs).

[woinlove]

I guess it makes logical sense. If you and your partner / spouse know you are not sexually exclusive, there will be an acceptance or expectation of safer sex. If you are claiming to be, then insisting on safer sex is likely to raise suspicion since the expectation in many countries is that within monogamous sexually exclusive couples safer sex is not practised.

 

I think it goes beyond that. The study I quoted found an even stronger correlation between drug and alcohol abuse and infidelity (I recall it was about 65% more likely in unfaithful spouses than those in open/negotiated non-monogamous relationships). I think even among people who cheat many do not think it is right to be deceptive and disloyal, and when people feel bad about themselves, they are more likely to take risks and make poor decisions. This doesn't apply to everyone (some see nothing wrong with affairs, as we hear here on LS) of course, but it seems to apply to many.

[woinlove]

I guess it makes logical sense. If you and your partner / spouse know you are not sexually exclusive, there will be an acceptance or expectation of safer sex. If you are claiming to be, then insisting on safer sex is likely to raise suspicion since the expectation in many countries is that within monogamous sexually exclusive couples safer sex is not practised.

 

Actually it was the rates for using condoms (and for even discussing sexual history) with partners outside the primary relationships which differed so much. Neither group was likely to use condoms in their primary relationship, but the two groups behaved differently in their sexual practices outside that relationship.

[woinlove]

I also see a difference between those in an open marriage who obviously have multiple sexual relationships and those in long term EMRs who likely at the most are having sexual relationships with their AP and their spouse. It's a difference in lifestyle which should reflect in the practice of safer sex.

 

Good point and I think that is some of it. Not sure how many in the open/negotiated category would fall into what Dan Savage refers to as open "monogamish", mostly monogamous, or with only one other long-term partner, but I assume the study would also include swingers and others with multiple partners.

 

Still, the fact that of those who were secretly unfaithful, less than one third used condoms even for high risk anal sex, is shocking.

[frozensprouts]

when it comes right down to it,all the statistics will mean nothing if you happen to be the recipient of the news that you have caught an STD from the person you have been sleeping with and who you have assumed hasn't been with anyone else but you.

 

a question that ties in with this...

 

if you were the other man/woman and got this news, would you share it with your married man/woman's spouse if you knew they wouldn't? This is an issue that can be life or death ( not just HIV, but HPV and syphilis...these are also life threatening, but an be treated if caught early enough)

[frozensprouts]

In my country the authorities take care of this. You tell them who you had sex with and they take it from there.

 

wow...here, that is not the case...considered an invasion of privacy ( not sure with HIV, but most other STD's are not divulged, and even if they were divulged to a person's sexual partners, the authorities an only do so if they know about them....which would mean the married man/woman would have to tell them they'd been having an affair, or the other man/woman would have to tell them they'd been having an affair with married person. I would like to think most would do so, but some may be too embarrassed or too upset to do so...it would be so hard to find out from a doctor that the person you loved and trusted to be faithful to you hadn't been...that would be awful)

[Sky-blue]

My partner didn't want to use a condom when we first met; I told him that there was no way we were going to sleep together if he didn't. His argument was "you get to feel more, and it's more romantic." after I'd known him longer, and we'd been tested I got a little more careless and just used birth control. He was right it was a lot better (at the time I never had gone without one)

 

Then we got a little surprise and had our son, damn that sinus infection...

 

Looking back I would've done things differently (not having an affair for one) but I don't regret my child at all, and if that's what needed to happen in order for him to come into my life so be it.

[Goldfsh79]

So now cheating is ok as long as you use a condom?

 

Why don't you ask your husband if HE'S ok with YOUR lack of boundaries..

 

No, I never said that. I just think IF someone is having an affair, then the least they can do is have safe sex. I'm not saying cheating is ok, but it does happen, and if it does, being safe is important.

[Summer Breeze]

The only time I didn't practice safe sex was when I was M. It's the responsible thing to do in any R that has any question of the number of partners.

[Radagast]

The study you quote does not contradict the "anecdotal evidence" I cited. My wife reported that unfaithful partners were more likely to practice safer sex with their lovers than with their spouses, which is consistent with your post that:

 

Actually it was the rates for using condoms (and for even discussing sexual history) with partners outside the primary relationships which differed so much. Neither group was likely to use condoms in their primary relationship

 

Which, as I argued, made logical sense:

 

I guess it makes logical sense. If you and your partner / spouse know you are not sexually exclusive, there will be an acceptance or expectation of safer sex. If you are claiming to be, then insisting on safer sex is likely to raise suspicion since the expectation in many countries is that within monogamous sexually exclusive couples safer sex is not practised.

 

This does not negate the likelihood that, in relationships where at least one partners is being sexually unfaithful, they are more likely to practise safer sex with, and to take care of the sexual health of, their affair partner than their spouse.

 

Incidentally, for those interested in finding out more about the cited study, methodological cautions also need to be borne in mind:

 

To conduct the study, the UoM researchers posted an online advertisement, to which 1,647 people responded. Of these, 801 had sex with someone other than their partner, or nearly half. Analyzing this group, researchers discovered that 493 did so as part of a "negotiated non-monogamous relationship", while 308 admitted that they were sexually unfaithful while in a committed monogamous relationship. (And yes, that's a very small and possibly skewed sample size.)

[cocorico]

 

if you were the other man/woman and got this news, would you share it with your married man/woman's spouse if you knew they wouldn't? This is an issue that can be life or death ( not just HIV, but HPV and syphilis...these are also life threatening, but an be treated if caught early enough)

 

I don't understand the question. If I tested positive for an STI, I'd have gotten it from him, who would have gotten it from her at some time in the past - so why would there be a need to inform her? She'd have been the source of it, thus her symptoms would be far more advanced and likely to have been picked up by her GP.

[woinlove]

I don't understand the question. If I tested positive for an STI, I'd have gotten it from him, who would have gotten it from her at some time in the past - so why would there be a need to inform her? She'd have been the source of it, thus her symptoms would be far more advanced and likely to have been picked up by her GP.

 

Or he may have contracted it from someone else he had sex with and was keeping secret from both the AP and the BS, but if the AP knows about the STI and the BS does not, I think the question was whether the AP would let the BS know.