moira Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I am new to this site, although I have visited before on occasion when I find myself googling things like "giving up on long distance love"... Here's our story, I'm sorry it's long: We met a year and a half ago. He was visiting San Francisco, from New York, here for a couple months taking care of some family matters (he's from here). We fell in love and spent a lot of time together visiting back and forth for the first few months. The way we both handled some things in the beginning affected the trust building period a lot, for both of us. When we officially broke up in last August (a year ago) after 7 months of dating it was due to a complete breakdown of trust on my part--and a lot of fighting. I just couldn't get myself secure in the relationship, with the distance, it made me do some extreme stuff (like calling incessantly in the middle of the night, over-texting, intense jealousy, etc). It really brought out the worst in me, despite that I am usually a pretty confident and independent woman when I'm on my own. Despite breaking up, I could always tell the love was still between us, and I took it upon myself to see a therapist, and start to really work on some of my issues in relationships. Throughout the year that followed, we continued to communicate a lot, frequently, almost every day with a few weeks being the longest we ever went incommunicado. We saw each other every couple months, but it was a lot of hit or miss in terms of things working well or not. Sometimes we had great visits, other times they were really rocky and stressful, arguing a lot, although still loving. During this time some very important things happened in our lives as well: I got accepted to graduate school, a three year program here in San Francisco, that starts in September, and he took a job and moved to Austin, TX and bought an investment property to work on fixing up while he was there. Austin is a cheapish three hour plane ride from SF, and I've visited three times in the seven months he's been there, each for a week at a time. He's been here once since then. I visited him there a couple weeks ago and we had an absolutely wonderful, fun visit. He seems really invigorated by his new life and it was great to experience him like that. For the first time he seemed genuinely happy. When I left it was really hard for me. I felt sad, insecure and unsure of what the future would hold for us, I still feel that way. He is meeting tons of new people, establishing a new life, and there are loads of young beautiful women around him socially all the time. I know he likes being in relationships and longs for one close by... Since then, he has maintained contact, sometimes very enthusiastically, other times lagging on text responses for a day or more, but we've skyped, talked and texted and it's been relaxed and mellow, although I initiate things for the most part. When we are apart he isnt particularly verbal about his feelings, its more like we are close friends, and we infrequently exchange some sexual innuendos and flirtations. I know he isnt fully committed to us, I know he feels conflicted, torn about me, our past and the distance, and that hurts but its hard to blame him. I'm trying to bide my time, focus on my life that I love, and enjoying things for what they are, not sweating the small stuff in hopes that one day we can transition into a more committed and consistent relationship. Visiting every month would not be hard for me, with my schedule and I could move there next summer during my 3 month break from school. Honestly, Im afraid to bring up this wishful thinking because it seems we just aren't there yet. This is the first time where I dont feel the need to force things, where I want to give him his space, and see where things go. But its hard, I'm scared because I often worry I'll ever see him again or it will fade out, and I wonder that every time he takes a while to respond or I see he's added a new female friend on Facebook. I suggested returning but I cant for at least another month, and when I did he said he was still firming up his work schedule (it was changing) and we'd have to decide further out. He was sweet and delighted that I suggested it, but it felt a bit discouraging... I dont know what to do. I often feel really discouraged and like I want to give up. Ive gone on dates with other men but haven't really met anyone I like as much, although I'm open to it. We have so much in common, and an intense emotion and physical connection and I could really see myself with him for life. There is just thousands of miles apart and no end in that for years. I like Austin, but I like the ocean (I'm a surfer) and the career choices there are limited in my field...if our relationship was working and we beat the challenges of the distance, I'd make a sacrifice and move there after school. Although he always said he'd end up back in CA... Advice? Support? I'm so confused and hate feeling insecure and uncertain about whether to keep holding on to something that is so great yet so trying.... What is the right amount of contact and affection that is reasonable to expect with the difficult history we have? Thanks so much for any perspective or advice. Edited August 6, 2012 by moira Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Things just seem too unbalanced between the two of you. Are you sure you can handle it? You might end up finding yourself being the only one wanting it... And that would be hard on your emotional side. Considering the fact that you're seeing a therapist too. I would handle the fact that he constantly sees beautiful women only through serious commitment on his part. But - as you stated - there's no commitment from him. I just see trouble for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moira Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Thanks for responding. You're probably right on many fronts. There is no commitment and it's just floating...I guess if I felt like I was the only one wanting it I'd move on. Im pretty sure it's coming to a breaking point...either we agree to commit or to move on. I'm supposed to visit in September (though I haven't bought my ticket yet). It's only for a quick weekend though. I guess if we can figure out a way to make it work then I'll give it a go. Otherwise, perhaps it's better to deal with the hurt of really breaking up then dealing with how insecure it makes me feel to keep things the way they are... Link to post Share on other sites
Morai Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Your username seems very familiar somehow... In all seriousness though. Focus on your graduate program, find someone willing to put everything into the relationship that you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moira Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Your name looks very similar too! =) It's not just about him not being willing to put everything in...it's just as much about me and my own hangups...I damaged a really good relationship when we started. I really love this man, but the distance between us eats me alive. Id have picked up and moved there if it wasn't for school. Its just really hard to walk away from something and someone you think would work really will if there weren't thousands of miles between you... Link to post Share on other sites
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