What is life like after separation/divorce?

[Bestcheerleader]

Hi there, if anyone recalls my crazy story, I previously had a crush on my boss for about a month. The same feeling created ton of mixed emotions and confusion on my part, within my marriage. As a result, I realized how little of my marriage there is left to salvage (after 10 years). I should add that a miscarriage with husband was also involved in my decision to leave(few months prior to boss-crush) thru an unplanned pregnancy. I have no future plans for children (even though he does) so i believe the miscarriage was a traumatic experience that pushed me over the edge. Husband and I have agreed to trial separation period of 90 days, up to 1 year. I asked for this so he shows me everyday how upset he is at me. Marriage appears to be over and I am ready to leave now. I am a career driven woman living in a big city, financially stable and will need to divide jointly owned assets soon. I am 30 and he is 36. For the record, I have never cheated. Both of us married young and stayed faithful to each other.

 

I am struggling because I am still very confused... want to date in order to find Mr Right but know I shouldn't jump in. How can I cope with the loneliness? I know this is only the beginning... Any insights on what's ahead? Should I start preparing/planning anything? Am I doing the right thing here? I can start all over, right? Any feedback is greatly appreciated. No judging please!

[amaysngrace]

You've grown apart instead of together. It happens.

 

Yes you can start over. Go on any dating website and you'll find plenty of available men.

 

PS I'm sorry for your loss.

[Bestcheerleader]

So, that's it? Really over?

Edited August 6, 2012 by Bestcheerleader

[amaysngrace]

So, that's it? Really over?

 

It sounds like you don't know what you want. Maybe you two should try marriage counseling so you can discuss it openly because you both probably shut down from losing the baby.

 

Instead of it being dealt with individually you both should address it openly as a couple in counseling. You're both dealing with loss.

[Gunny376]

The first thing you should do is work on yourself ~ SELF ACTUALIZATION

 

Self-actualization - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

and

 

Maslow's hierarchy of needs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Of the

 

<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-2">1.1 Physiological needs<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-3">1.2 Safety needs<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-4">1.3 Love and belonging<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-5">1.4 Esteem<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-6">1.5 Self-actualization<li class="toclevel-2 tocsection-7">1.6 Self-transcendence

Of Maslows Needs, I personally think he's gotten some of them misaligned. Certainly one's physioogical and safety needs takes precedence over the other three, however its my personal opinion that one should first achieve self actualization and self transcendence prior to Love and Belonging ~ as I think one's self esteem should take precedence over Love and Belonging.

 

Love and Belonging is a 'hang-over' (to me anyway) from our childhood and should be transcended prior to seeking Love and Belonging ~ because IMHO to do otherwise is what crosses so many people up.

 

To truly be a contributing partner in a reltionship one much first have their self confidence and self esteem fully intact ~ and have a full knowledge of who and what they are as a person. They should fully identify, comprehend, and understand who, and what they are as a person, as an individual. Fully understand and define their own personal 'standard' and what their core beliefs are.

 

Utimately what we're all looking for in a relatonship wheather its marriage or what other is un-conditional love and acceptance that we received from our parents (hopefully anyway).

 

The simple fact of the matter is that once our parents are gone ~ unless we're extremelly fortunate? We're pretty much on our own!

 

But before we can expect someone else to love us? To accept us for who and what we are? We've got to love and accept oursleves! Just that plain and simple.

 

The time to go looking for someone else is when your completely and totally love yourself (not in a narcissistic / arrogant type of way ~ but in a good and positive way. Your 'comfortable' in your own skin ~ and you're OK with being single, alone, and with your Life. The time to go looking for someone in your life is when you really don't NEED someone in your life to complete you, ~ nor to make you hold.

 

BUT! Having someone that compliments you and your life? That would be pretty cool! And usually to our own surprise? Its going to be someone totally opposite than the person that we are?

 

Your affair (post breakup) with your boss was because you were seeking someone else to fill a hole or a void in your life whose responsibility is yours and yours alone to fill. If your seeking self validation from someone else ~ especially someone of the opposite sex? Your on a fool's errand. Its Fool's Gold that your seeking and will never find.

 

Have I myself achieved self actualization? No ~ I don't think anyone ever will. Not totally ~ not completely ~ its a work in progress.

 

When I was in my twenties I was cocky and arrogant ~ thought I had all of the solutions to all of the problems, and all of the answers to the questions ~ only to get into my thirties to find out that I didn't. Then I got into my forties and thought, "Hey I've got this nailed down!" Now that I'm in my fifties? I realized I never had a freaking clue! Still don't! Being a career Marine didn't help any either! (Thought I was 'bullet-proof" realize now I was just young, dumb, ignorant, stupid ~ should have died a million times over ~ and that way just in training! )

 

Is there Life after divorce? You bet ya! Its the end of your marriage (or hopefully just one of them! ) Not the end of your life! You had a vibrant, complete, full Life before you got married ~ and guess what? You're going to have even more of one now that you've gone through what you've gone through. Life is about learning ~ the day you stop learning? Is the day you start dying! And I hate to be the one to tell ya'! But you've not seen nothing yet!

 

Get in, sit down, grab a hold, and shut-up ~ we're going for the ride of your Life and we're going to 'white-knuckle this mother-trucker all the way to the ever-loving end!

 

Yell, scream, shout, throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care! At least you'll know your still alive. We all come to that point ~ in our lives when you just have to say "What tha' ****! That and "**** IT! I'M STILL ALIVE! (Had a one or two or three or more in my Life!)

 

Life is about living! Live it to its TOP! To its FULLEST! You need to go out now and again and get a little crazy with it!

 

Me? I'm more fornutate than some and most! I've got a purporse in my life! To live my Life to its top and to its fullest for those that gave the full measure of thier lives for me! My fallen breathen in the United States Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard and yes Marines!

 

I owe them THAT much! To get my sorry azz up each and every morning ~ put a smile on my face and go out into this crazy world and live my life to its fullest and to its top.

 

Now is the time to "Catch the bus to Mexico" and live your life for yourself. Take a deep long look at yourself. Decide what you've learned in your youth and your childhood, from your Mother, your father, your religion ~ what's valid what works, what doesn't, what no longer applies.

 

A good source of books/ CD's/ Audio Series to start with (Sorry I've forgotten the name of some of the authors)

 

"The Art of Living Single"

 

"Light Your Fire"

 

"Light Her Fire" (For men)

 

"Light His Fire" (For Women)

 

"Attacking Anxiety and Depression"

 

"How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy!" (For Couples)

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

 

February 2006 edition of National Geographic "Love the Chemical Reaction"

 

August 2012 edition of Scientific American Mind "His Brain, Her Brain ~ How We're Different"

 

"Brain Sex"

 

"You Just Don't Understand" (About cross gendered communication styles)

 

"GenderSpeak" (About cross gendered communication styles)

 

Remember anyone who can read who doesn't? Is the same as someone who can't read! They're both illiterate!