LisaT Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Hi Guys, I've stayed away from this forum for a while after so many negative posts, I know most people are trying to help but obviously their opinions are colored by their own experiences. I've come back to give an update, as when I first joined I was looking for a story like mine so maybe this will do the same for someone else. Original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/327028-he-wants-leave#post4013976 I didn't give an ultimatum, I simply let him know that I needed to move on and please leave me alone to do that (maybe an ultimatum by default?) That in itself was quite a relief for me, for the first time in a while I felt like I had control of my life back. And it wasn't just talk: I started to try and get over things. My MM finally walked out the door about 6 weeks ago and moved into a flat of his own. All these cliches being spouted on here: "if he wanted to leave he would leave", "he's sitting on the fence", "having his cake and eating it too", nothing is that simple. And from my point of view although it was so painful, I'm glad he took the time to be sure about his decision rather than make one he'd end up regretting and causing more pain. The divorce is coming on slowly. I'm fine with that; I've no worries that he's just buying time or anything (though I imagine some of you would disagree..!). We're not rushing into anything, just spending some time together and hopefully it will work out. but who knows? we've been through a lot and I'd be surprised if it did, but we'd be mad not to try. I know the pain and guilt are a long way from over but hopefully now we can be there for each other. Thanks all for your advice, I guess mine is that there is no script for this, so although you should listen to advice and think about it, don't ignore your instincts. At the end of the day YOU have to make the decisions and they should be ones that you can live with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 All these cliches being spouted on here: "if he wanted to leave he would leave", "he's sitting on the fence", "having his cake and eating it too", nothing is that simple. And from my point of view although it was so painful, I'm glad he took the time to be sure about his decision rather than make one he'd end up regretting and causing more pain. I do agree with this. Both partners need to live and act authentically. If you are done with the affair and ready to move on, then communicating that is simply being honest. He knows where he stands and can then add that information to his other information in coming to his own honest, authentic decision. Forcing an ultimatum is manipulative and dishonest in my view. Often a woman who does that is not genuinely ready to give up the relationship and threatens but can't stick to it and lands up resuming the affair feeling she's ceded power by making a threat she could not carry out. Or the man leaves his marriage under fear of the woman ending the relationship only to find he was not really ready or reconciled to that decision and is then trapped in doubt and uncertainty and often returns to the marriage. Both partners need to make their decisions and act on them authentically rather than playing mind games with each other. Your approach seems very sane and healthy and I've no doubt that things will work out for the best for you. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 there is no script for this, so although you should listen to advice and think about it, don't ignore your instincts. At the end of the day YOU have to make the decisions and they should be ones that you can live with. That's great advice for EVERYTHING in life!! I hope everything works out for the best for you. Thanks for coming back and posting about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Hi Lisa, healthy outlook Be the centre of your world and if it works that he is a part (albeit an important part!) of your fulfilling and happy life, then that's fantastic. If not, you'll be just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Lisa, good for you for knowing what you needed and wanted, and that you didn't want to continue the affair. It's good that things are out in the open now. Good luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 As long as you're still in the affair while he's getting "divorced," then you're still allowing him to eat cake and the "divorce" can drag on indefinitely. This was already covered in the opening post: The divorce is coming on slowly. I'm fine with that; I've no worries that he's just buying time or anything (though I imagine some of you would disagree..!) Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) The divorce is coming on slowly. I'm fine with that; I've no worries that he's just buying time or anything (though I imagine some of you would disagree..!). We're not rushing into anything, just spending some time together and hopefully it will work out. but who knows? we've been through a lot and I'd be surprised if it did, but we'd be mad not to try. I know the pain and guilt are a long way from over but hopefully now we can be there for each other. Why would you be surprised if you two "work out"? And, if it would surprise you, then why risk further pain in so doing? Yes, before someone points out that theres always risk, most R's start on hopeful notes, not pessimistic ones. And that sounds decidedly more pessimistic than hopeful - from which I conclude the risk of more pain/failure is greater. Would you characterize things more-healthy now that the A is over? Are you considering couples therapy to help with the transition from A to "normal"? Are you a public couple now? Edited August 6, 2012 by jwi71 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
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