ThatJustHappened Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I don't know why I'm back here. The majority of you were rude and condescending towards me, and though things like that are usually like water off a duck's back, you really affected me. So thanks (not!) I thought that this was supposed to be a place where people would offer support and not judge, but I guess I was wrong. But whatever. I guess it's just human nature to judge, so I can't be too critical. Having said all that, I want to give you an update. In a sense, I suppose I want to prove some of you wrong, or to show to you (and to myself) that I can, very much, be in charge of my actions ... Last time I wrote here, things were up to me to choose between "coffee or beer" after he had suggested a day and time. I emailed back and suggested coffee. I wasn't sure if beer had other connotations or not, but I wanted to play it safe. Anyway, he didn't reply. I feel like that was a purposeful decision on his part, but I didn't really understand his lack of response, seeing as he had suggested a time and everything. It led me to the conclusion that he might have preferred a beer. But anyway ... I didn't hear from him for a week. I chose not to follow it up. Even though I'd been looking forward to catching up with him, I didn't want to look desperate, or like I was chasing him. The fact that someone here said I was behaving in a "predatory" manner really hurt me. I still don't think I was, as it was HIM giving the 'signals' and initiating things in the first place, not me. On the day that we'd planned to meet, I was a little sad. It's hard when it appears that someone you thought you could rely on (even in a professional/collegial sense) lets you down. I just got on with my day though, and although there was a tiny flicker of hope, I resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't interested. I got the surprise of my life then (almost literally!), when he called me that afternoon, about 45 minutes before we'd arranged to catch up. I hadn't contacted him or anything. He said something like, "now, we were meant to be catching up today, weren't we?" He said something with his kids had come up (he was a little more specific, but those details aren't relevant here). Given the timing, it was apparent to both of us that nothing was going to happen that day. Then, he asked if I was free the next day, or the next week. I was free the next day, so he said "let's make it then instead", and we worked out a time and place (cafe) to meet. So we met the next day. I was a little nervous and didn't really know what to expect from him. He bought me a coffee and we chatted for a while. It was friendly, platonic, and the conversation flowed easily. Apart from my initial nerves, it didn't feel 'inappropriate' either. Despite the age gap, we actually have a lot of similar interests. Anyway, after we'd been there for about 20 minutes, another (former) coworker (his best mate) walked in. (He and I got on reasonably well, though we were never particularly close.) Their kids are involved in a lot of stuff together, and this teacher was supervising them, along with some other kids, at a venue just down the road from the cafe where we were - he'd been 'nominated' to collect coffees for the other staff who were supervising. Anyway, the guy I was with called his friend over, and asked if he was going to join us. The new guy didn't seem too surprised to see me (though it probably would have surprised other people from our work), which makes me think it might have been set up ... Anyway, he bought us another round of coffees and sat with us for about ten minutes before leaving to go back. The two of us stayed and chatted for another twenty minutes or so before he said he had to get going. As I said before, the conversation flowed easily. However, the whole interaction seemed to be lacking a little. There was none of that playful banter that we'd previously had. And the fact that he didn't hug me was a little odd, given that he's greeted me that way the last few times we've seen eachother. I might be reading too much into it, but to me, it felt like he was trying to be *overly* platonic. I didn't flirt with him. All up, we were there for about an hour. As we were leaving, he said that we would catch up again, and also that I should let him know about how I go with my job applications. I came away from it feeling good - happy that I'd seen him and happy with the friendly nature of the encounter. However, I was still a little disappointed that the banter seemed to be missing. But even though he's a nice guy (and good-looking, lol) I think I've realised that perhaps I was more attracted to the *idea* of him. Anyway, I'm confident that we can remain friends, and after his behaviour, I guess he feels the same way. So to 'prove my point' on a few counts: - I hadn't intended to pursue him, and I didn't. - We had coffee, not beer, in a public place. - His friend, and my former coworker, saw us, and even joined us for a while, so there was no 'secrecy'. - There was no flirting or physical contact. - Things felt comfortable, not awkward, and he suggested catching up again. - Things were very platonic. - I'm happy with this outcome. There is one thing which has been puzzling me slightly though ... When I first started this thread, some of his actions towards me (I didn't write them all down here) had made me feel that he had some sort of more-than-platonic feelings towards me. I was confused about that, and my own feelings that developed as a result. Perhaps paired with my imagination, it worried me that by meeting him, I could be encouraging something. I guess how people might think it is inappropriate, but I still can't see why married people can't be friends with other people of the other sex. Yet, his behaviour yesterday indicated that he did not think I was encouraging something, and indeed, that he was not encouraging anything either. (Which was a relief - it made things much simpler and less 'scary'.) I'm sure I wasn't reading too much into his initial behaviour though. So, why the change? p.s. I know I include a lot of depth - I'm a details person, it's just the way I am. I'd write about a bus trip in the same way, lol. The thing is, if you have to ask the question 'am I in danger of becoming the other woman', then you are automatically in danger of becoming the other woman. You very obviously have a school girl crush on this man and you were very clearly pursuing him, and you were hoping he was pursuing you. You've been playing with fire, and you got lucky that you chose a man who has integrity enough not to cheat on his wife (for now, and hopefully forever). I'd be willing to bet money that if he had been interested in starting an affair with you, you'd be posting here that you slept with him. Bolded part- yes you were, and you still are. That's why the people here believe that you're pursuing this man. Example, he didn't respond to your text about coffee over beer, so you assume that meant he wanted beer. No, that means he was too busy to respond. He's a grown man, if he wanted beer, he would have said he wanted beer. You're thinking like a child, you need to grow up. You keep telling us how naive you are, but then you continue to argue your points and jump to conclusions even when it's clear to everyone else that you are either lying or you're kidding yourself. So which is it? Are you naive or do you know best? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Some MM "groom" their women for a long time before making a formal move. It's their insurance that you understand their boundary and what to expect or not expect from them...before they make that initially move on you where's there's no turning back. You're interested in him on a level that's "more than friends" - and he's married...yes, YOU are his ideal candidate for his OW - especially given the evidence that when he makes plans and changes them last minute you adjust to HIS needs/wants. You are "being groomed". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 THIS and THIS! Although sometimes I wonder if it's not the mm who is being groomed with the sweet naive little innocent girl routine. That's what I think. I think she's the predator in this case but she's hiding behind her false naivete. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Entertainer, I suspect you already know this - but I think it's worth putting it in writing anyway. You don't have to accept or even acknowledge people's vicious attacks on your character here. They have neither the knowledge nor the authority to define who you are. Only YOU can call the shots on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 She asked us a question. Her actions tell us what her character is or isn't. She's pursuing this MM - and trying to get his attention. The answer to her question is - yes- as long as she pays attention to him and cares that much what he is or isn't doing - she's in danger of becoming his OW. There's no attack - just stating the obvious based in her actions/thoughts she's giving us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Entertainer, I suspect you already know this - but I think it's worth putting it in writing anyway. You don't have to accept or even acknowledge people's vicious attacks on your character here. They have neither the knowledge nor the authority to define who you are. Only YOU can call the shots on that. Nobody is questioning her character, we are questioning her actions. A person's actions do not define their character as a whole. I'm sure she is a lovely person who happens to be on her way to possibly making a huge mistake. The people here can only judge what she's telling us about herself. If she is painting herself in a bad light, that's her fault, not ours. And you are absolutely correct in saying that she is the only one who can call the shots. Of course she is. Edited September 15, 2012 by ThatJustHappened Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Share Posted January 8, 2013 Just thought I'd update you. There's nothing much to really update, to be honest. Yes, we had that coffee. We ran into each other a few times, at work-related functions, and had a few quick chats. He and another ex-colleague invited me to go to the Christmas drinks they were having. I went. We chatted. Nothing untoward. My feelings towards him have changed a lot. I still like him as a person and find conversation with him interesting and fun. Would I like to catch up with him again? Sure. But I don't really care if it's one-on-one or in a group setting. I think what I'm saying is that I've moved on. Well, actually, I have. But that brings a whole lot of other problems. I've been on 2 dates with a guy who is single and my age. Funnily enough, although we met online, his workmate is the boyfriend of a girl I used to work with. I do have a few worries about it though, so maybe you could help me out? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/366230-inexperienced-need-your-thoughts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Yay! Good for you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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