Am I in danger of becoming the OW?

[startears]

The truth is, you ARE thinking of starting something with him. You might not think so, but sub-consciously you are. It is still not too late to stop it now.

 

I was in a similar situation. Took up a 6 months contract job, met this MM whom I reported direct to. Spent 6 months of 10 hours each day, 6 days a week with him. It started off with innocent enough after work drinks, which I deem them as normal hangout nights with co-worker. Then the feelings started developing, we hung out more and more, and started getting touchy towards each other. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but I was in self denial and kept telling myself that we were just friends, and there was nothing wrong hanging out with a friend. The lucky thing is, we did not progress to having sex, but we were not far from it. Do I consider myself not the OW because we did not have sex? An emotional affair is still an affair.

 

I am now maintaining NC with him, and I tell you, the feeling sucks. It sucks because I have feelings for him and I do miss him, but it sucks further knowing that what I am doing is wrong and I shouldn't be missing him.

 

Unless you are prepared to face whatever the A, or to-be A is going to bring, otherwise don't even get it started. The truth is, there is no platonic relationship between a MM and any other single/married women. Do not try tempting a MM, they usually have low levels of self control and discipline.

[ThatWasMe]

I have been reading from this site for quite a while. Ever since my own A ended and I was looking online for something to read from MY perspective as the OW. My guilt ate at me, the repercussions were/are horrible. I can't take back what I did, nor can I fix my reputation among those who know about it, and nor can I say 'I am NOT that kind of person'. Thank god I found this place as it helps me to process my thoughts about what happened/what I did. I have never posted before, but after reading this thread I registered and here I am.

 

Don't do this. You will live to regret it.

 

Those of us who have had an A can see where you are headed. I too walked into my A ever so innocently. I was 'groomed'. And then I got to a point where you seem to be, and I realized what I thought was going on and decided to simply 'see what would happen'. That is when I no longer could claim to be 'innocent' any longer! All the thinking, maneuvering, wondering, imagining, fantasizing, daydreaming, adding check marks in our minds to this action and that action and what it all means and doesn't mean. You DO know what path you are headed down...

 

I wish I could describe to you how horrible I felt when my A ended. How I really had not meant to hurt the people who I hurt, and I could never take that back. I lost a really good friend, a handful of our mutual friends I had known since elementary school. I lost my 'good' reputation. Feelings during an A are very intensified, and when things were good, they were very very good. And when things went south....this is what we all want to prevent you from going through. And they WILL go south if you proceed.

 

I don't know what to say to you to get across how transparent your actions are! I see your denial in what you write. What you are doing is very dangerous, and if you keep doing what you are doing you are going to end up doing this! You have to know this is true! If you think that stopping what you are doing NOW would be hard, having NC after it is over is a miserable, pain filled, torturous mess that will test you like nothing else ever will. AND you will suffer through that pain on your own as you won't be able to share with friends and family why you are so devastated/depressed/sad/alone/hurt/confused/angry.

 

The 'what if's' are a fun game to play. The 'I can't tell if he likes me', the 'I would never do that/let it get that far' thoughts are an interesting thing we try to tell ourselves. The 'He would never do this' is passing the control of your situation on to him, like you don't have the self control to stop this yourself (I get it, I did that too). The 'waiting to see what might happen' all the while putting yourself into position in case it does.

 

Baby steps. You are already ON this path. Please listen to those of us who have done this. I would love if my experience and story could stop YOU from doing this. I have dreams almost every night regarding what I did and the fallout from it. My A changed my life. I regret having my A, and will proceed knowing that, but it doesn't change that I did what I did and it happened and that people I cared about got hurt.

 

Learn from our mistakes. As someone already pointed out, read the threads and really get a feel for how much pain people are in as they struggle with the unpleasant feelings that come with this behavior. Read the NC threads. Please don't do this. Don't meet him for a beer. Don't text him, call him. Tell a trusted friend who you KNOW would not support what you are thinking of doing! We all think we are the exception...

[Mme. Chaucer]

Maybe I'm being naive. I'm very inexperienced when it comes to men (lol!)

 

I don't know if I can express this next idea properly ... it's kind of like I'm becoming aware that I might be walking into this situation without realising the possible ramifications.

 

Are you saying that even if I'm convinced that I won't overstep, he might have other ideas?

 

"Walking into the situation" IS overstepping. You know it, and the disingenuousness of that post is really blatant.

 

I almost feel like this thread exists to get a rise out of people, or maybe you are working on your submission for a "Lifetime" daytime movie? Your writing style and fine choice of material is hauntingly familiar ...

 

Anyway, I'll play along. Certainly, go have a beer alone with the married man you have a crush on! Absolutely! Way to go! Have a blast!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I I too walked into my A ever so innocently. I was 'groomed'.

 

Big difference in this tale, though, is that the OP is the one doing all the grooming. Not to say that the character of the "married man" is not playing his role by failing to hightail it in the opposite direction of this train wreck, but we have not heard from him … yet.

[the_entertainer1]

I almost feel like this thread exists to get a rise out of people, or maybe you are working on your submission for a "Lifetime" daytime movie? Your writing style and fine choice of material is hauntingly familiar ...

 

Oh, I wish that was the case. It would be much easier!

 

I want to explain myself a little better - I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself properly or if people really understand ,e. Or perhaps I really am deluding myself - I don't know. Anyway, I'm being very open here, so please don't be too harsh - I do appreciate your advice and opinions, but your criticism doesn't do much to help me ...

 

Firstly, sad puppy you questioned my 'innocence' and said that I asked him out for a beer. Mme Chaucer, you seemed to agree on the 'innocence' point when you commented that I was the one doing the grooming.

 

The fact is, he suggested the beer to me. Because of his age, I never thought of him 'in that way' until I saw some very subtle signs that he may have been interested. I'd been in the workplace for three months or so and noted that he'd be friendly one day and then completely ignore me the next. First and foremost, I appreciated his 'acceptance' of me when I was new in the workplace, and his mentorship (in an unofficial capacity). And when I was the youngest in the workplace, it was nice to be included by other, more established people. (Just the other night some of my other ex-colleagues invited me out to after work drinks - I was the youngest by about 12 years but I like these people and enjoy their company).

 

In terms of my 'innocence' - I really am very inexperienced with men. I've never even kissed a guy! (embarrassing as it is to admit that!) It's not because I haven't wanted to or that there haven't been opportunities in the past (with guys my own age), and though I was confident around boys when I was at high school, I was too worried about what my friends would think. I suppose that since then, I've focused on study and work. And now I think, "I've waited so long for it, I want it to be worthwhile" So here I am, still waiting. (Technically, I could just go out and kiss a random guy on the dancefloor at a night club, like so many other girls my age do, but it's not really 'me'.)

 

The thing is, that's another reason why I wouldn't engage in an A with my coworker. You might say I like the attention from him (if that's what it really is) but that doesn't really mean anything if I choose not to act on it. Apart from the obvious reasons (his marriage and kids, the ex-coworker thing), I wouldn't want that to be my memory of my first kiss (or first anything for that matter!)

 

That brings me to my second point. I don't want to be attracted to him. The thought of someone so 'old' (sorry!) is really weird when I think about it. I would much rather be attracted to (and in a relationship with) a guy closer to my own age. It's been just over a month since we last saw each other (I haven't seen him since I changed jobs) and I already feel like my feelings of attraction are dissipating a little. That doesn't mean I can't still like him as a person though.

 

As for whether I'm actually considering an A with this guy, as some of you suggest I am? Ok, I might have thought about him once or twice, rather than an A. But my thoughts don't really mean anything. I think I have said this before, but I believe there is a big difference between thoughts and actions. I have a very analytical brain, which means I tend to see everything from every perspective - including that of the wife, kids, the guy, coworkers - everything - as well as my own. I guess that way of thinking makes me consider the 'what ifs' a bit more.

 

Also, my whole life, I have been a 'good' person. A nice person. I get on well with everyone. I have strong morals (which include not having affairs with married men!) It's almost a way of life, I suppose, that I have purposely cultivated, which has been assisted by my loving and stable family and friends. I'm Catholic (I know that might not mean anything to you, but to me, it does.) Did you know that according to Catholicism, being attracted to someone who is 'taken' is considered to be a mortal sin? It basically means you go straight to hell, lol. While I don't necessarily believe in that (this isn't the time to get into my religious beliefs!) the 'wrongfulness' of my attraction to him has been playing on my mind a lot. It's actually torturing me a little - the fact that I like a MM. However, I take comfort in knowing that while I may not be able to control my feelings, I can control my actions.

 

I just don't know how I can explain to you that while I do like this guy, I would prefer to enjoy his company on the basis of friendship. I still have no idea what he's thinking. I don't really care whether he's attracted to me or not. (While it might be an ego boost if he was, I am so convicted in my own belief that I will not 'let anything happen', that I think that 'just friends' is a possibility, regardless of any other feelings. As some of you have noted, this might come across as a bit deluded - or it could be naivety talking. I'm more aware of that now, in any case. But I would honestly run in the opposite direction if he actually made a move.

 

I suppose the general consensus I'm hearing is that I should avoid the beer. Well, I haven't heard from him yet, so perhaps I misinterpreted his actions. Or maybe he changed his mind. I just don't know how I can get you to understand that while I want to catch up with him, it's not because I actually want it to lead to an A.

 

I hope that clears things up a little bit. It is not my intention to rile or 'bait' other people. Please don't be too critical of me. I'm just trying to work things out, I guess.

Edited August 12, 2012 by the_entertainer1

[veryhappy]

You can blame your inexperience for being caught up in a crush on the guy. Making him your first experience will complicate it so much more, I can't even begin to tell you. It will also mess your future, because you might find yourself repeating the pattern for the next 20 years. Just stay away please, no beer, no nothing. Find a young guy you like and have that beer.

[the_entertainer1]

Ok, I have an update.

 

I always had this confusion about my feelings towards him - sort of a mix of admiration and attraction. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly feel that it is more admiration than attraction now.

 

Anyway, after he wrote "I'll let you know", I didn't hear from him. So after a week, I sent him a txt, saying that I had to 'cancel' (to be honest, I wanted to save face) but asking if we could reschedule (giving him one more chance). I also asked him if I could email him about some advice on a job-related issue (because I really do value his advice as a colleague.)

 

I know what you're thinking. That he's not interested and that I'm being a little bit pathetic. I probably am, but as I keep telling you, I would prefer to have a friendly relationship with this man than not at all.

 

He replied almost straight away, making a little joke about me asking permission to email him, saying that that was fine, and "beers next week, then." - I didn't suggest next week here, he did.

 

I wrote back saying that next week sounded ok, and asked which day was best for him.

 

Then I emailed him, asking for the job advice - and at the end of the email, I said it might be easier to discuss next week (meaning in person, because it really would be easier to discuss face-to-face!)

 

He responded to the email, gave me a little advice and wrote "perhaps it would be easier to discuss in person. Talk soon."

 

He hasn't responded to the text message, and I haven't responded to his email (that was on Friday, it's now Monday.)

 

Please don't go into the whole "should I / shouldn't I" thing based on the fact that he's married. I do not want to meet him with the intention of 'hooking up.' Can you just look at the situation and give me your advice based on that?

 

Does he actually want to catch up? Is he just being polite? Why does he seem reluctant to pin down a day? I think it's his 'turn' in the correspondence, but should I contact him again? I feel like I should reply to his email and at least say thanks - but that would be awkward, as I couldn't really respond to the email without bringing up the drinks, and I don't know if I could bring up the drinks without seemingly pestering him.

 

Any thoughts? (honest ones, but please keep your tone 'nice'.)

[truthbetold]

Honestly I don't know what advice you're looking for. What you're doing is inappropriate even taking your attraction out of it. Why do you "need" his advice so much? You don't work together, bc of your past attraction for him be it admiration or true attraction doesn't matter. It's not appropriate bc you are here asking the question! If it was appropriate you guys would be true friends, one his wife knows about therefore you could pop by their house to discuss this "important" matter. But bc you're making such a deal over it and twisting yourself in knots. It's just not appropriate.

 

I'm bothered too that YOU brought up being Catholic. Don't wear that as a cloak and act like it shields you bc it doesn't. Takes more than being Catholic it takes walking the walk, not just talking the talk. If you value your morals and don't want to "go there" then don't. It's that simple. The fact that you are getting so worked up over this and questioning what this or that means and even realizing that he may read this as a pathetic attempt (your words) that should tell you all you need to know. This is a temptation better left alone. But it's YOUR choice.

[ThatJustHappened]

 

The fact is, he suggested the beer to me. Because of his age, I never thought of him 'in that way' until I saw some very subtle signs that he may have been interested.

 

So it was his age and not his marital status? If you want an older guy, go get a single older guy. You don't have to knowingly and willingly steal someone else's.

 

Your original topic..am I in danger of becoming the other woman..well, yes, if you allow yourself to be. Have some self control. You can still stop this from happening..you are CHOOSING not to. If you're going to do something awful, at least own up to it and don't blame it on circumstance. Becoming an older man's side piece is a choice you are on your way to making.

 

You can still stop this. For your own sake, for his, his wife's, and especially his children's..please, be a grown up..be a good person and don't do this.

 

Also, he's probably reluctant to set a date because he doesn't want to be tempted. Or perhaps he knows what you're doing and doesn't want to encourage you. He's probably flattered that a young girl is paying attention to him, but not enough to ruin his life for you.

Edited August 20, 2012 by ThatJustHappened
Added

[woinlove]

Seems he only responds, doesn't initiate new contact, and seems purposely vague in his responses, so he probably realizes you have are infatuated with him (why else would a much younger single woman who flirted with him but doesn't work with him any more keep contacting him trying to get together alone with him) and he doesn't want to be rude, but isn't eager to get together. He chose a wording which isn't likely to hurt your feelings but also doesn't commit to meeting. Probably hoping you let it drop. But you might be able to meet with him if you are persistent since it seems he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You should let him be.

[the_entertainer1]

You know, I'm beginning to wish I didn't post my situation here in the first place.

 

In fact, I'm not sure I'm going to continue. I posted on this forum hoping that people would just listen, and not judge, but the majority of people who have replied have been judgemental and overly critical. (Thanks to those who have actually been respectful and helpful.)

 

I initially posted here because I was confused about my clash of feelings for this man - someone who I looked up to and admired, who I started to become attracted to. Because he was a bit like an unofficial mentor to me, I missed his help and support and the friendly banter when I left my old job. And that is the reason that I wanted to catch up with him. So when he suggested we catch up for a beer, of course I was excited. My first thought/desire was certainly not that it would be an opportunity to pursue an inappropriate relationship with him. I'm sure he wasn't thinking along those lines either. The discomfort I felt, which led me to post on here in the first place, was rooted in my concern about what was appropriate and what was not. Perhaps I care too much about what people think?

 

I will never pursue an affair - with this man, or any. To me, it is morally and socially reprehensible. But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy his company in a platonic way - even if my feelings are more than platonic, doesn't mean my actions will be. I'm not in love with him - I don't think I even really want to 'f him' (as LadyGrey put it. I just like being in his company. As I have said before, I believe that there is a difference between thoughts and actions, and (as some of you might tell from my seeming refusal to take advice) I am strong-minded. If I know, in my heart and mind, that I do not want an affair, I will not pursue one. Perhaps that's too black and white for some of you, but that's generally the way I see the world. That's also perhaps why I think it's ok for married people to be friends with non-married people of the opposite sex. I think that that is what most of you have an issue with: the fact that I want to pursue a meeting, despite him being married.

 

Perhaps I'm too sheltered, and I don't know enough about relationships or whatever, but it's not like I was going to actually even flirt with him, let alone tell him how I feel. I'm sure, that at one point or another, you've all been attracted to people you shouldn't be. Just because there's an attraction there, doesn't mean anything is going to happen, especially if I'm adamant that it won't.

 

truthbetold, I'm not trying to use my religion as a 'cloak' to 'shield' me. Far from it. It's what makes me feel the most exposed, and makes me scrutinise my actions even more closely.

 

ThatJustHappened, you asked: "So it was his age and not his marital status?" It was his age AND his marital status. But someone being married doesn't necessarily prevent you from thinking of them in 'that way' - as so many people have said, throughout time, that you can't help you you're attracted to - I certainly didn't want to like this older, married coworker.

 

As I said in my previous post, I've come to understand my feelings a little better now and I've come to the realisation that I feel more admiration than attraction towards him.

 

Anyway, I haven't responded - woinlove I'm going to take your advice to just let it be and see what happens. In all likelihood, I will be back at that job next year, so I would hate for things to be awkward. It was nice, comfortable, as we left it.

[ThatJustHappened]

You know, I'm beginning to wish I didn't post my situation here in the first place.

 

In fact, I'm not sure I'm going to continue. I posted on this forum hoping that people would just listen, and not judge, but the majority of people who have replied have been judgemental and overly critical. (Thanks to those who have actually been respectful and helpful.)

 

ThatJustHappened, you asked: "So it was his age and not his marital status?" It was his age AND his marital status. But someone being married doesn't necessarily prevent you from thinking of them in 'that way' - as so many people have said, throughout time, that you can't help you you're attracted to - I certainly didn't want to like this older, married coworker.

 

I'm not judging you for having feelings for him. You can't control your feelings..but you can control your actions. Nothing 'just happens'..people make conscious choices to start affairs. They choose not to have any self control. Honestly from the way you've been talking, it really does sound like you're looking for advice on how to start either an emotional or a physical affair or both with this man, and you're looking for encouragement and justification, and now you're angry that nobody is telling you what you want to hear. The people here are just trying to help. They've all made the mistake you seem to be on your way to making.

 

I agree that some people are exceptionally judgmental, but doesn't that tell you that you could be making a mistake? You sound like a very smart girl..I think even you know that what you're doing isn't completely above board or innocent. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't.

 

I'm sorry, but going out for drinks with this man is sordid. It's a mistake. He obviously knows it too, because he won't set a date with you. I would suggest asking your questions via email instead, or else going for coffee in broad daylight in a very public place. The alcohol and the cover of darkness is what makes it sound seedy.

 

I have a mentor too..he's in his 50's (I am in my late 20's), and married with young children. I see him at work, and we occasionally get lunch together..but I would never even think of going out for drinks with him after work. It's inappropriate.

Edited August 20, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[sad puppy]

Your title of this thread tells everyone where your head is at. Plain and simple. People that develop natural, professional friendships do not post about becoming the OW. I believe you were looking for someone to encourage you by telling you that the MM was interested in you. So now you're bummed out. Why don't you leave him alone, stop trying to make trouble for yourself?

 

I find everything you say completely disingenuous. You're looking to see if you can get an affair going. News flash - the guy is not taking the bait.

[truthbetold]

I'm not sure what you're getting so bent out of shape over.

 

You're the one that gave the title of this and you're the one that brought your religion into it. I merely pointed out there's a huge disconnect between what you are saying and what you know to be right in your heart and also what your religion teaches since that so important to you. Not to others but to your own moral compass. If it were right, it wouldn't be causing so much turmoil within you.

 

I still don't see if it's no big deal, why can't the wife know about it, and why can't it be over coffee instead?

 

Why specifically does it need to be beer which is known to lower inhibitions and cause people to drop their guards? Why does this appeal to you if you're not interested in seeing if he does want to take this further? He's not stupid, he knows what meeting over beers likely means to which is why he's not pushing it. Not so sure why you are if it's all "innocent" like you are insisting.

 

You are waaaay too uber defensive to a bunch of strangers who have nothing vested in this other than to try to help you not travel down a destructive path. There's a saying about those that "protest too much" I'm sure since you're in education you're familiar with it.

 

I don't think you would be getting this upset and twisting what people are doing in trying to help you, and instead going on a tirade of how unsupportive it is here if this wasn't striking a nerve. I hope for your sake that you figure that out sooner rather than later.

[veryhappy]

This approach is definitely not working. Entertainer, why don't you prove us wrong instead? Go for the beer and come to check back with us monthly for a year, telling us nothing happened.

[Artie Lang]

this thread belongs on doccool.

 

i see the both of you crossing the line very very soon. it sounds like you're actively pursuing this man, either through attraction or admiration.

 

not a good sign.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Artie Lang

[ThatJustHappened]

OP, I just read your other thread. Basically, you are looking for permission to start an affair with this man and advice on how to do it. Now you don't like the answers you're getting here either so you'll probably either disappear, or start another thread asking the same questions and hoping for different answers.

 

You're going to do what you're going to do no matter what anyone says to you. You're heading down a dangerous road..or at least, you're attempting to, luckily for everyone involved, he seems very reluctant to head down that road with you. You're either going to end up embarrassing yourself, which hurts, but you'll get over it..or if you pursue him hard enough, you might be able to beg and plead your way into his pants. If you do, you'll be ruining a whole bunch of lives, including your own.

[the_entertainer1]

I'm not sure what you're getting so bent out of shape over. You are waaaay too uber defensive to a bunch of strangers who have nothing vested in this other than to try to help you not travel down a destructive path ... I don't think you would be getting this upset and twisting what people are doing in trying to help you, and instead going on a tirade of how unsupportive it is here if this wasn't striking a nerve.

 

Maybe I do protest too much! But it's just because I'm sooo frustrated that people don't seem to be understanding what I'm trying to say. I feel like people are just reading and interpreting what they want to see, rather than what I'm actually saying. I'm not sure. Maybe you can really see the so-called, possible disaster more clearly than I can. I'm kind of assuming (as someone else alluded to) that most of the people in this thread have actually been the OW or OM - correct me if this is a misunderstanding - so perhaps they can 'recognise' it a mile away. I am also frustrated by having to repeat myself, and I've come to the realisation that I don't have to justify myself to a bunch of strangers (sorry if that sounds rude, it's not meant to be.) In the long run, it's my life and myself that I will have to answer to - the fact that I was feeling so guilty for even being attracted to this man gives me (and should give everyone here) my ultimate answer about what I'm going to do (or rather, what I'm not going to do.)

 

My initial question was simply about whether catching up for a beer, with my former coworker, who happens to be married, was a 'dangerous' idea. I didn't (and don't) see myself as the OW, because nothing sexual has happened between us (and nothing will). I was merely considering how it might look if other people knew or saw that we were catching up. I was approaching the situation knowing that I wouldn't do anything - unless seeing him is 'doing something' - but I was worried that he would get other impressions if I did agree to the beer. That sort of leads on to something else:

 

I still don't see if it's no big deal, why can't the wife know about it, and why can't it be over coffee instead? Why specifically does it need to be beer which is known to lower inhibitions and cause people to drop their guards? Why does this appeal to you if you're not interested in seeing if he does want to take this further? He's not stupid, he knows what meeting over beers likely means to which is why he's not pushing it. Not so sure why you are if it's all "innocent" like you are insisting.

 

I get what you're saying here, about 'insisting', but honestly, I'm happy for it to be a coffee. As I've said before, he was the one who suggested beer, not me. He might have just meant it as a turn of phrase. To address your other question: I think, to some extent, that I'd prefer if his wife knew - I'd even go to coffee with him and his wife. She's a nice lady (though I only met her once) and I care so, so much about their kids. Even if my admiration for him was overshadowed by attraction, I wouldn't pursue an affair with him because I just couldn't do anything to ever hurt or upset those kids. It was hard enough to see the look on his son's face on my last day of work (he told me I was his favourite teacher.)

 

Anyway, it was when somebody else suggested that he probably probably wouldn't tell his wife if we were to meet up for a beer - not because he was 'hiding' anything, but because he might not want her to jump to the wrong conclusions - that I started to get a little uncomfortable, which led to me asking my initial questions on here.

 

Finally, I think that a lot of the debate has come from the issue of meeting up for a drink. The impression that I get from a lot of people is that even meeting up is a bad idea. As I said in my last post (sorry for repeating again, but I really feel the need to) I only ever approached the meeting as a platonic thing, though with some wariness about possible misinterpretations on his, or other people's, part.

 

All in all, the situation was playing on my mind so much so that I thought that writing this here might help. Truth be told, it's made it worse - not the situation itself, but my mentality. Not because most people have told me what they perceive to be the 'truth' which causes me to feel guilty or bad, but because people seem to refuse to listen to what I'm actually trying to say. (I'm not 'having a go', partly just thinking out loud ...)

[Spark1111]

I don't know, E1....think of it this way:

 

Someday, you may be a 50 year old, married with children who wants to mentor a nice 20-something at the job.

 

He keeps in contact with you, hugs you back. You listen to his problems and has met your H and kids.

 

He is attracted on so many levels to you and you sense it. Nice ego boost, yes?

 

He wants to meet up to discuss....whatever.

 

And that whatever is LOADED.

 

How do you think your H feels to find out? Not toooo good at all. How does it look to others? Not too good at all.

 

I think you KNOW you are in danger of becoming the OW and are seeking rationalizations as to why that will not be.

 

But it could be because your attraction to him exceeds his professional mentoring acumen.

 

And think about it.....do you really want to flat back your way into this company?

 

Have your beer, or your cup of coffee. But keep it strictly professional, ok? Bring a classmate interested in the same field. Keep it short and to the point.

[Artie Lang]

like most people who engage in affairs, most don't go looking for one(unless you post on doccool). it begins with friendship... then admiration/attraction... followed by an indescretion here and there, until finally you're knee-deep in one.

 

don't let your naivety allow you to become another casualty.

[Mme. Chaucer]

As it turns out, the title of this thread is pretty funny. "In danger of becoming?" Not! More like desperately chasing.

 

I hope he cuts you off before something regrettable happens. But cool story.

[alexandria35]

Maybe I do protest too much! But it's just because I'm sooo frustrated that people don't seem to be understanding what I'm trying to say. I feel like people are just reading and interpreting what they want to see, rather than what I'm actually saying.

 

OP it's true that sometimes in these types of forums people are quick to jump to conclusions and discount the actual words of another poster. This is not the case here. What you are saying is coming across loud and clear to all of us and we are totally understanding what you are saying. Actually you are the one discounting yourself because you write these long posts all about your interactions with this guy where you pick apart everything he says and does and it's all "oh here's what he said and here's what he did and gosh what did he mean by that and should I contact him again or should I wait for him to contact me, etc etc" Then at the end of your angst ridden long post all about him and what it he's doing you will suddenly say "oh it's all innocent though and were just harmless innocent friends as if you are trying to take back everything you already revealed about the true nature of your feelings and the only way we could believe you is if we could unsee everthing else you posted but we can't.

 

It's not normal to come to a forum about affairs and post these long angst ridden paragraphs about a harmless and innocent friendship. Do you do this with your other friends. Normally if a friend says they will meet with you next week do you run to a forum meant for the OW to post all about it and ask what it means? Or do you just say "sure we can get together, you call me or I'll call you" and leave it at that. You are so obviously chasing this guy. He only agrees to have beers with you when you contact him about it and then he refuses to be pinned down to an actual date or time. Now you've turned up the pressure by telling him that you need his "advice" and that it would be better if you saw him face to face. Don't contact him anymore. If he wants to have beer with you or give you advice he will contact you and let you know when and where. If he doesn't then you have to accept that he really isn't interested in having a friendship or an affair with you. That would be my suggestion even if this guy was free and single and you could have an appropriate relationship. This guy is older, he's been around the block and he can see right through you just like we can. He knows your intentions and it may be giving him a little smile that you are stroking his ego. Probably made him laugh when you contacted him to "cancel" your nonexistant date with him. He knew what you were doing, and he knows that your sudden interest in his "advice" is you just trying another angle to get to see him. I'd say he might be enjoying the attention but he's not interested. Maybe if you hound him enough about it he will finally relent and meet with you because he feels like you're holding him to something he said in an offhanded manner.

[the_entertainer1]

So earlier in the week I went to a dinner that some people at my work had organised. Another former colleague, a close friend, had invited me. There weren't many of us there: 4-5 staff and the rest were students. But this guy was there.

 

I felt a bit awkward about how things had been left, so I didn't talk to him that much. He was friendly but seemed a bit reserved. There was one point where we were standing next to each other and he put his arm around me and pulled me towards him (not in a pervy way, but more in a caring way) and asked how I was going in my new job. This side-hug didn't last too long. I think also, that if he did have ulterior motives, he wouldn't have done that in front of so many people. But anyway ...

 

It came time for me to leave - my friend was driving me home. So we were about to do the whole 'goodbye thing' when he asked, out of the blue, what had happened to catching up and if we were still going to. I was so surprised - over the course of the evening I had almost even come to terms with the fact that he apparently didn't want to even be friends. Anyway, I said to him that he had never messaged me back, and he looked a little affronted and guilty before saying that he wasn't good at texting. Then he said that he was free after school most afternoons and that I should email him. So I guess I will.

 

You know, I thought it would be weird when I saw him. Like, that my feelings for him would be stronger. But it was actually the opposite. I don't think I like him like that anymore. However, I am still looking forward to the idea/possibility of catching up. His demeanour gave me the impression that he's not looking for anything 'extra', and I've come to the realisation that I'm not either - even if it was ok to 'go there'. So I guess I feel a bit more comfortable with the whole situation.

 

So unless you think I'm walking into some new, unforeseen danger, I'm going to go ahead and email him to organise something. (Let's hope he replies this time - though I don't think he'd've brought it up at the dinner if he didn't intend on following through ... he could have gotten away with not mentioning it.)

[whichwayisup]

What's the point? Even friendship at this point too since you don't work with him anymore..And you say you don't like him like that either (at least for now).. Honestly if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't bother even attempting to email him and making arrangements to see him for coffee or lunch. Befriending a MM, especially one that you used to like (though I still think you, meaning, it may not take much for your heart to jump if he openly makes a move on you) isn't good. Focus on single guys, that are available. Also, note how he said "you should email me." A set up for you to chase him. Hope this makes sense.

[mercy]

And so it begins.

 

So why didn't you just catch up while you were standing in front of each other?