Why some can not heal after betrayal

[scatterd]

I wanted others opinions on what a person does, or does not do that makes it impossible for the the betrayed person to heal, after cheating or doing something behind their lovers back.

 

I will start off with some reasons I think it makes somone unable to heal.

They continue to hide the details.

They are always defensive.

They put the blame on the other person.

They have no remorse.

[Owl]

Sometimes the damage done is just too great to forgive/work through.

 

Sometimes, the BS themselves may simply not be the kind of person to be able to forgive or consider reconciliation after being cheated on.

 

Sometimes, as you'd mentioned, the WS can't/won't take responsibility/ownership of their part of reconciliation.

 

Sometimes...it just boils down to one or the other party simply not wanting to continue the marriage after what's happened.

[96nole]

They still continue with the affair behind your back after D-day#1 even though they claimed it was over. Since they continued to lie to you, you know that you can never trust that person again.

[2sure]

They say it was nothing, that is was unimportant to them, that is was just a stupid mistake, or that she / he didnt mean anything...and dont ever go deeper than that .

[drifter777]

Everything folks have come up with are all good reasons. My counselor thinks that the difficulty forgiving infidelity is related to the level of trust the BS had in the WS. This equates to the depth of the betrayal. I'm sure there are other factors, but I agree with her. In other words, the more trust you have placed in your spouse's fidelity the deeper the wound when they betray you. It seems to fit in my case and may explain why some people are more shattered by infidelity than others.

[Steen719]

Everything folks have come up with are all good reasons. My counselor thinks that the difficulty forgiving infidelity is related to the level of trust the BS had in the WS. This equates to the depth of the betrayal. I'm sure there are other factors, but I agree with her. In other words, the more trust you have placed in your spouse's fidelity the deeper the wound when they betray you. It seems to fit in my case and may explain why some people are more shattered by infidelity than others.

 

I agree with this and in addition, in my case, I had done so much for XH (through illness, blah blah) that it seemed like I felt worse than the first time. You know, are you kidding me? How could you even think if being dishonest to me after all that we had been through? Even his family has expressed dismay and disappointment at him doing this and wish me well. Of course, the differences were made up of other things such as I had been married longer, believed he wouldn't do it to me again (what a dummy I was), my son was older and more on his own (good, but I had to keep on keeping on when he was young) and my financial situation is so much worse. I felt "fooled", too. I felt really bad about that...fooled me twice, like a double snake bite.

 

The other factor that I believe is integral for me is that I am a very loyal person who will persist in most things. I have difficulty imagining feeling that infidelity would ever feel right for me and so it is harder for me to understand why & how he could do it.

[Rager50]

I agree with the level of trust being an issue, but my big thing is --- I find it very difficult to respect people who are weak and cannot control themselves.

 

This. I'm working through a book right now - "After the Affair" - and this really hits home. Respect is one of the biggest issues for me. I just don't respect him right now. But taking him back has really affected my self-respect, too. What he did was wrong and horrible and completely immoral. What does it say about me, and my morals, that I'm willing to try to work it out?

 

That's a lot to work through, and it's assuming that all the facts are on the table. If I believed that he was withholding substantial facts or details from me - he'd be gone.

[seren]

Everything folks have come up with are all good reasons. My counselor thinks that the difficulty forgiving infidelity is related to the level of trust the BS had in the WS. This equates to the depth of the betrayal. I'm sure there are other factors, but I agree with her. In other words, the more trust you have placed in your spouse's fidelity the deeper the wound when they betray you. It seems to fit in my case and may explain why some people are more shattered by infidelity than others.

 

I can only speak for myself, but, I had absolute trust in my H's fidelity. I have huge trust issues due to past life experiences and had been with H for 23 yrs, so thought I knew him better than I knew myself. Of course the betrayal of trust was absolutely shattering and hurt, still does. I think that had H not had the problems he had at the time of the A, then I might not have been so forgiving. He also worked dammed hard, we both did, to address what had broken in our relationship, what led up to the A and the nature of the A.

 

I also weighed up all that we had that was good and balanced that against what the A was. I had no need to stay for money, a home, fear of being alone or young children, what I had to lose was H and I being together. Healing took a lot of work, the absolute truth, which at times was brutal, and for me to understand the A. Had H not been honest, if I had caught him rather than him tell, had he not had extensive IC to help with his PTSD after Iraq and look at why, then we might not have made it.

 

Many people say it cannot happen to them, I did, many say they wouldn't forgive an A, I did that too. It was only when the chips were down did we both realise that we had both taken us for granted, had we not recognised what we had, we would have found reconciliation hard, well harder than it was.

[Steen719]

But taking him back has really affected my self-respect, too. What he did was wrong and horrible and completely immoral. What does it say about me, and my morals, that I'm willing to try to work it out?

 

Honestly, that is how I felt when I stayed with my H after the 1st affair and why I divorced him after the 2nd time. I wanted to able to respect myself enough to not take any more crap in my life and I wanted to show my son that I could stick up for myself. Every situation is different, but I am not sorry that I left and while I have some issues with money, etc., I still feel good that I finally made a choice that reflected what was best for me. I have a problem always making sure the other person is OK, so this was good for me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

More things that make it hard to heal.

 

They:

- don't go NC with the AP

- lie about the scope of the A.

- lie about anything at all.

- refuse to be transparent with passwords, email, etc.

- don't take initiative in finding and doing new things to help the healing process.

- complain about their privacy being invaded.

- do not show love towards their BS.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[dreamingoftigers]

Why I stayed with my husband despite his incredibly chaotic behavior is very strange indeed. But it is what I truly believe.

 

I honestly, truly in my heart and mind believe that he couldn't see more than two feet in front of him what and who he was affecting. He was a virtual monster for about two years to me, but not ever to our child (thank God, I would have cast him down the street).

 

I knew he had a relatively small window of time to get better (before our daughter's memory started forming.)

 

I had known him and loved him right up until he completely blindsided me in March of '09. I was 8 months pregnant.

 

Discovery of his infidelity was traumatic for me. I ended up having EMDR/trauma therapy to deal with it. It uncovered most of my childhood garbage and made me see that I hadn't been exactly *ahem* grounded.

 

He had many issues that I was not fully aware of from childhood. Some had been entirely covered up by his mother (I had to take his history for treatment). Others were simply ignorance of the effects and both of us not being aware of our individual histories impact, set us up for a very nice train wreck.

 

I could see what my husband was mentally missing. I still see some gaps. I'm sure he sees gaps in me now too. We're both trying.

 

Anyhow, when I became aware of how "day & night" my life had become thanks to the therapy. I figured I believed in giving him the same chance to work on his issues and save our marriage.

 

That's the short version anyway.

 

It was 3 years of a fuc*ing disaster before he truly got better.

 

I had to kick him out at least twice, he took off more than that. I still don't have all of the details, but the counseling he is in will deliver that and he will have to follow-up with a polygraph.

 

Right now we are happy. The storm has ceased for now.

 

Truly, we were both raised by a series of selfish, abusive idiots, we didn't stand much of a chance to begin with, and 0 chance without outside help.

 

I know now that he sees the consequences of his actions because he almost lost his daughter forever and had to fight for her. He had to fight for me too.

 

He doesn't treat either one of us like he's entitled to us anymore. He knows he isn't when he has treated us as a family so disposably.

 

If he were to backtrack, I would not accept it ever, ever again. He knows how to maintain his mental health and many avenues to seek for guidance. Quite simply: he's exhausted my patience and has no futher excuse, childhood or otherwise.

[dreamingoftigers]

More things that make it hard to heal.

 

They:

- don't go NC with the AP

- lie about the scope of the A.

- lie about anything at all.

- refuse to be transparent with passwords, email, etc.

- don't take initiative in finding and doing new things to help the healing process.

- complain about their privacy being invaded.

- do not show love towards their BS.

 

This, a million times, this.

IMHO, there is NEVER a good reason to not go NC with the AP. (except if they're pregnant with WS kid. And then hopefully most of us call foul and break it off.)

 

Not a job, not a car, nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

I should mention. If my husband were to get hit by a semi tomorrow and in 5 years (or whatever) I were to remarry, I would never again reconcile if my spouse were to cheat. I have zero tolerance for eating sh*t sandwiches anymore.

 

And really he'd be in at least his 30s which is more than enough time to get a clue. My husband was a late bloomer as far as I'm concerned.

[Steen719]

Why I stayed with my husband despite his incredibly chaotic behavior is very strange indeed. But it is what I truly believe.

 

I honestly, truly in my heart and mind believe that he couldn't see more than two feet in front of him what and who he was affecting. He was a virtual monster for about two years to me, but not ever to our child (thank God, I would have cast him down the street).

 

I knew he had a relatively small window of time to get better (before our daughter's memory started forming.)

 

I had known him and loved him right up until he completely blindsided me in March of '09. I was 8 months pregnant.

 

Discovery of his infidelity was traumatic for me. I ended up having EMDR/trauma therapy to deal with it. It uncovered most of my childhood garbage and made me see that I hadn't been exactly *ahem* grounded.

 

He had many issues that I was not fully aware of from childhood. Some had been entirely covered up by his mother (I had to take his history for treatment). Others were simply ignorance of the effects and both of us not being aware of our individual histories impact, set us up for a very nice train wreck.

 

I could see what my husband was mentally missing. I still see some gaps. I'm sure he sees gaps in me now too. We're both trying.

 

Anyhow, when I became aware of how "day & night" my life had become thanks to the therapy. I figured I believed in giving him the same chance to work on his issues and save our marriage.

 

That's the short version anyway.

 

It was 3 years of a fuc*ing disaster before he truly got better.

 

I had to kick him out at least twice, he took off more than that. I still don't have all of the details, but the counseling he is in will deliver that and he will have to follow-up with a polygraph.

 

Right now we are happy. The storm has ceased for now.

 

Truly, we were both raised by a series of selfish, abusive idiots, we didn't stand much of a chance to begin with, and 0 chance without outside help.

 

I know now that he sees the consequences of his actions because he almost lost his daughter forever and had to fight for her. He had to fight for me too.

 

He doesn't treat either one of us like he's entitled to us anymore. He knows he isn't when he has treated us as a family so disposably.

 

If he were to backtrack, I would not accept it ever, ever again. He knows how to maintain his mental health and many avenues to seek for guidance. Quite simply: he's exhausted my patience and has no futher excuse, childhood or otherwise.

 

Despite the fact that you were not grounded - no one is perfect - I think he is extremely fortunate to still have you in his life as his wife.

[Ninja'sHusband]

This, a million times, this.

IMHO, there is NEVER a good reason to not go NC with the AP. (except if they're pregnant with WS kid. And then hopefully most of us call foul and break it off.)

 

Not a job, not a car, nothing.

Thanks, and yup, the NC issue is why I am now separated with a divorce on the way.

 

and yeah if she hadn't miscarried...I don't see how things could have worked out. I was willing to try...but geez...knowing how hard it was without an illegitimate child...I can't imagine it with one.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[freestyle]

I"m going to second Ninja's list and add a few:

 

gaslighting

 

blameshifting

 

trickle-truthing

 

fauxpologies, instead of sincere remorse and genuine apologies

 

i.e. "Sorry YOU feel that way.....

"Sorry IF I hurt you"......

 

(excuse me-- but there's no *IF* about it.) (duh!)

[dreamingoftigers]

Despite the fact that you were not grounded - no one is perfect - I think he is extremely fortunate to still have you in his life as his wife.

 

Thank you.

 

He seems to think so too.

 

[nofool4u]

I wanted others opinions on what a person does, or does not do that makes it impossible for the the betrayed person to heal, after cheating or doing something behind their lovers back.

 

I will start off with some reasons I think it makes somone unable to heal.

They continue to hide the details.

They are always defensive.

They put the blame on the other person.

They have no remorse.

 

Here is my main reason. The mind movies will never go away. I found the only way they go away is to make the cheater insignificant in your life.

 

So for me, the only way to heal is to get rid of the source of the pain.

[MourningLosses]

"So for me, the only way to heal is to get rid of the source of the pain."

 

Well put NoFool...

 

How does one do that when he is constantly in my face through my work?

[freestyle]

How does one do that when he is constantly in my face through my work?

 

 

You can't control his behavior, only your own.

 

 

There are ways & methods to stop ruminating, and obsessive thinking---if you do a google search, you might find some helpful techniques.

[dreamingoftigers]

Here is my main reason. The mind movies will never go away. I found the only way they go away is to make the cheater insignificant in your life.

 

So for me, the only way to heal is to get rid of the source of the pain.

 

I found that EMDR took away a lot of the "mind movies."

 

Thank God. I think I would have had to leave otherwise. Some days it's still hard.

[Radagast]

I think the reasons my ex-wife cannot heal after my affair include an unwillingness to accept that I had the right to choose to leave her. She is still consumed that I took that choice (to split or to reconcile) away from her as she felt it was her moral right (since I cheated) to hold the power of decision on whether the marriage continued or not.

[Ninja'sHusband]

How does one do that when he is constantly in my face through my work?

Who is "he"? If it's the OM...switch jobs. You owe that to your H.

 

If it's your H, uhh....divorce and switch jobs? If you are the one who had an A and destroyed your marriage...you should take responsiblity for this situation by either fixing the marriage or getting out in the most humane way possible (as much as you can after an A)

[scatterd]

Thank for all the comments. Each one of them are valid reasons. Their is

so

many different feelings and situations. I think being betrayed is hard to get over as it is but certain factors make it worse.I did not like being told I had to heal and get over it if we were to stay together. I needed to heal on my own time. I trusted with every part of me and I always thought if you do not have trust you have nothing. That was earned back but it ripped me apart. I knew that purity was taken away and would never be the same. I had lost my Dad 9 months before, and my health was going, I feltI was kicked when I was already down. The crisis was getting to be more then I could handle.He was constantly defensive, Rude, and drunk. I went to file for divorce that is when he came around. Counseling helped some but time did more. The way it was handled made it

so

much harder for me. I was angry and resentful for some time.

[Radagast]

You know...after all the posts and comments you've made about your ex-wife, it seems like you're working pretty hard to paint her as a demon. As though there is nothing redeeming about her.

 

This is really hard to buy from a man who was married to this woman for 30 years.

 

Why do you think your perception of her has become what it has? Why did it take 30 years and an affair to get to this point?

 

I was answering the question posed in the opening post. It was an honest reflection based on information she herself shared with me through several rather angry emails, and through things my son has reported back that she has said to him. I truly believe that as long as she holds on to her outrage at my removing that choice from her, she will not be able to move beyond the immediacy of the betrayal.

 

As for my perception, it took a great deal of work in counselling, reading and speaking to others to realise how skewed my perception had been throughout my marriage. That all the excuses I was constantly making for my ex-wife were just rationalisations on my part to justify to myself why I saw fit to remain in such an unhealthy situation for so long, when everyone was telling me that it was unhealthy. I was so invested in believing that they were all wrong and did not understand because they did not know how difficult things were for my ex-wife, that I was prepared to twist my reasoning into the most bizarre loops. I am deeply embarrassed now when my family remind me of some of the rationalisations I came out with, and some of the behaviour I tried to excuse. They felt like I'd been kidnapped by a cult or possessed by aliens, and from this position of being out of that relationship I must confess I feel the same way. I cannot see how a rational person could have behaved as I did back then, and I'm certainly not proud of it. Discussing it with my children leaves me at a loss how to explain it, other than to say that back then that was what I honestly believed. I guess a bit like Stockholm Syndrome, as my son suggested.