KathyM Posted August 14, 2012 Share Posted August 14, 2012 I think some of the things/behaviors that prevent healing are: 1. Refuses to talk about it, so the BS can't do the necessary mental processing to be able to get past it. 2. Gets angry or defensive when it is brought up. 3. Doesn't show believable remorse. 4. Continues to act suspiciously (i.e., hides phone, computer activity, or engages in other typical warning signs.) He may not be continuing the infidelity, but if he's not accountable or transparent, the suspicions will still be there and prevent healing). 5. Shows noticeable interest in or flirts with other women, which would indicate that his mind and his promises are not matching. 6. Allows other women to cross boundaries. 7. Doesn't invest time/interest/emotions into the marriage, and continues to set emotional distance with the spouse. 8. Makes inadequate effort to convince the spouse that he values/loves her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HisGraceisSufficient Posted August 15, 2012 Share Posted August 15, 2012 “Discontent is the first necessity of progress.” Thomas A. Edison If we do not see it as a problem, we are not discontent. And if we are not discontent, we will not be open to healing and progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted August 15, 2012 Share Posted August 15, 2012 I think some of the things/behaviors that prevent healing are: 1. Refuses to talk about it, so the BS can't do the necessary mental processing to be able to get past it. This is a biggie, especially for women IMO. I believe it's one of the reasons why I still lurk around these infidelity forums. I needed/need still to talk about this and work out my residual pain. (and in person friends have long since tired of this topic LOL) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2012 Share Posted August 15, 2012 This is a biggie, especially for women IMO. I believe it's one of the reasons why I still lurk around these infidelity forums. I needed/need still to talk about this and work out my residual pain. (and in person friends have long since tired of this topic LOL) My mother has been talking about it for three years. Sadly enough it's my Dad that needs to get into those feelings with her and he is so stunted that he most likely never will be able to even think beyond himself. He's such a big crybaby. I don't think they'll ever divorce. But I think it will define their marriage for the rest of their lives. Neither one has ever been good at letting go of grudges, even imaginary ones. It's very sad. In another case, my husband has a friend that is married. He ditched his wife and child (they were around 20 at the time, very young marriage). He got involved in drugs and moved in with his girlfriend. The wife counted him gone. He hit rock bottom, starting getting back up and "temporarily" stayed with her and then they reconciled. They have 3 children now and he's a family man. The problem is that she's not healed. It's been about 7 years. She still cries about it, but not to him. He has set up the ground rule that "we don't bring up the past or compare our pasts." He's past it. She never got the chance. When my marriage exploded last year, my husband went up there and stayed in their trailer and tried adopting this man's philosophies. Ha ha....no. He used some of his points too: "so if we just keep talking about it, when's it EVER going to be DONE?" Well, I had a nice comeback to that: "it's done when I feel safe enough with you to not have to worry about that anymore. It's done when I don't think every time you go to the store, you aren't somewhere opening a secret email or going on a payphobe to talk to a gf. Talking helps me get there, since you could go out and cheat and cheat and cheat, it isn't too much to have to hear me talk about it and reflect and how much damage this has caused. OR we can not talk about it at all, and we can fill out some papers. Your choice. It isn't a threat, but you took the fate of this marriage into your hands almost solely when you decided to go outside it." He needed the wakeup call even after that. But at least I stuck to my terms I think if a WS is willing to move past the cheating but NOT talk about it, I think that the BS should walk. It's like putting an open can of sardines behind a radiator and not bothering to remove the can so the smell can eventually pass. The stench just gets worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted August 16, 2012 Share Posted August 16, 2012 Are you referring to couples who stay together or people who've been affected by affairs in general? I think some people just simply don't want to move on. They are so averse to change that its easier to deny reality than work with it. For instance - my H's xW (fBW) has still, after 4 years and our being married a year, refused to accept that its over. I think it's partly that she enjoys being a martyr and and it's partly her inability to have a long term relationship since the D that has kept her stuck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 16, 2012 Share Posted August 16, 2012 Are you referring to couples who stay together or people who've been affected by affairs in general? I think some people just simply don't want to move on. They are so averse to change that its easier to deny reality than work with it. For instance - my H's xW (fBW) has still, after 4 years and our being married a year, refused to accept that its over. I think it's partly that she enjoys being a martyr and and it's partly her inability to have a long term relationship since the D that has kept her stuck. Are you making a value judgement on your husbands xW? Your opinion is based on your observations - that's all anyone's opinion can be based on. But you have no way of knowing if she is making progress in her personal recovery from her/your husband's betrayal. The time it takes to resolve the hurt/anger and find a way to accept it and start moving on is different for each of us. I don't believe there's a time-frame that should be used to measure a BS's personal recovery. It takes as long as it takes. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Well, I had a nice comeback to that: "it's done when I feel safe enough with you to not have to worry about that anymore. It's done when I don't think every time you go to the store, you aren't somewhere opening a secret email or going on a payphobe to talk to a gf. Talking helps me get there, since you could go out and cheat and cheat and cheat, it isn't too much to have to hear me talk about it and reflect and how much damage this has caused. OR we can not talk about it at all, and we can fill out some papers. Your choice. It isn't a threat, but you took the fate of this marriage into your hands almost solely when you decided to go outside it." ^^^I love this. (I the majority of your posts.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Are you making a value judgement on your husbands xW? Your opinion is based on your observations - that's all anyone's opinion can be based on. But you have no way of knowing if she is making progress in her personal recovery from her/your husband's betrayal. The time it takes to resolve the hurt/anger and find a way to accept it and start moving on is different for each of us. I don't believe there's a time-frame that should be used to measure a BS's personal recovery. It takes as long as it takes. Actually I do- I think it's clear she hasn't moved on when she continues to tell my H that she can't move on and wants him to start an affair with her. I feel sorry for her actually. The hysterics she continues to go through to try to get him back is just sad. It takes as long as it takes, but some people will never heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 I think some people just simply don't want to move on. They are so averse to change that its easier to deny reality than work with it. For instance - my H's xW (fBW) has still, after 4 years and our being married a year, refused to accept that its over. I think it's partly that she enjoys being a martyr and and it's partly her inability to have a long term relationship since the D that has kept her stuck. This sounds like my ex-wife, too. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's a very hard thing for many people to accept and get over--that the person they loved and invested many years of their life with is no longer a part of their life. They mourn from their loss of their partner whom they love/loved and their marriage. Those who stay married mourn from the loss of the trust, security and exclusivity of their relationship, and the loss of the person whom they thought their spouse was. It is a tremendous loss for a BS, whether they stay in the marriage or the marriage is ended. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 That's a very hard thing for many people to accept and get over--that the person they loved and invested many years of their life with is no longer a part of their life. They mourn from their loss of their partner whom they love/loved and their marriage. Those who stay married mourn from the loss of the trust, security and exclusivity of their relationship, and the loss of the person whom they thought their spouse was. It is a tremendous loss for a BS, whether they stay in the marriage or the marriage is ended. Do you think it is easier to mourn the loss of the marriage or stay in the marriage and mourn the loss of what it was? It appears to be lose-lose the way you describe it. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 (edited) Pursuant to moderation policy announced 8/18, this thread has been edited for off-topic content and is now at level two. Please remain on-topic, citing specific reasons which impede some people from healing after being betrayed. Thank you. Edited August 18, 2012 by William Corrected verbiage to 'betrayed' Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Do you think it is easier to mourn the loss of the marriage or stay in the marriage and mourn the loss of what it was? It appears to be lose-lose the way you describe it. That depends on the person as to which is more difficult--losing your spouse and marriage, or staying and dealing with the fallout of the affair--the broken trust, the feelings of betrayal every time you look at your spouse, the hurt and pain, the loss of self esteem, the loss of security, the disillusionment, etc., etc. I'm sure it's incredibly painful for a person to have to look at their spouse day after day knowing that this incredible hurt has transpired. I witnessed how my sister processed the pain after her husband's infidelity, and it was heartbreaking. I have never seen someone so racked with pain as when she confided in me that her husband had been unfaithful. She went into a serious depression for a year after that, and she never did regain the trust that was broken. Very hard road to travel either way. And it is a lose/lose situation for the BS, whether she stays or goes. Either way, she has lost a tremendous amount. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Reiterating the NC point...WS need to NEVER have contact with their AP. This including switching jobs etc. BSs need this to happen for healing to occur. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 Reiterating the NC point...WS need to NEVER have contact with their AP. This including switching jobs etc. BSs need this to happen for healing to occur. Agreed---that should be Rule #1, as far as I'm concerned, it's the foundation of reconciliation. Without NC with the AP---there is NO way for the BS to regain a sense of safety in the relationship again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tallblueyed Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 I wanted others opinions on what a person does, or does not do that makes it impossible for the the betrayed person to heal, after cheating or doing something behind their lovers back. I will start off with some reasons I think it makes somone unable to heal. They continue to hide the details. They are always defensive. They put the blame on the other person. They have no remorse. Your list is spot-on. I have begged for details and revelations; the only information I can have is what I discovered myself with concrete proof, not one ounce more. From my personal experience I would add: Take true ownership of the consequences In my case, my WS (3x's) treats our D and all the pain like it is my choice - not a result of her actions. She thinks we should just get back together and 'work it out', which is not an option after being down this road with her before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Reiterating the NC point...WS need to NEVER have contact with their AP. This including switching jobs etc. BSs need this to happen for healing to occur. Why?? If he chose her why does he need to have no contact even professionally? If she can't be secure and trust him when he chose her then what's there to stay for? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Why?? If he chose her why does he need to have no contact even professionally? If she can't be secure and trust him when he chose her then what's there to stay for? The WS cheated. They've proven they *can't* be trusted especially with the AP. Affairs regress all the time when contact isn't broken. Keeping no contact is part of rebuilding that trust. The sacrifices shown to implement NC can be proof of one's dedication to their spouse. You're insane if you think that the BS should hear "ok I'm done with the A", then go "oh ok. I love you! I trust you!". If the BS does say that they are fooling themselves. I would have liked to have been able to do that...but doing and saying are 2 totally different things. Rebuilding trust takes *years*! Keeping NC is simple respect for the BS's peace of mind. If the WS and AP don't even have the consideration for the BS to implement NC, the marriage is in big trouble. Edited August 19, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Why?? If he chose her why does he need to have no contact even professionally? If she can't be secure and trust him when he chose her then what's there to stay for? No matter how or where you post you are trying to prove it is wrong that your are being NC'd. See if you can ignore this: When two people first meet and fall in love the allow themselves to have 100 percent trust. The affair breaks that trust. Ater the affair is over NC is so the WS is not tempeted to restart the affair. NC is needed to repair the trust that was broken by the WS. Trust does not get rebuilt just because the WS and the OP stop having sex. Edited August 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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