Knowing when to let go

[imperfectangel]

I've been thinking recently that my 'affair' with ex mm went on way longer than it should

 

Granted, it shouldn't of happened in the first place but indidnt know he was married at first but I've been thinking today that the day i found out he was married is the day it should of ended. But I was too attached even then (around 5 years ago)

 

At what point do you think you should let go? Or if you already had what made you end it? Did you go nc or did it just run its course?

 

My ex mm just disappeared on me which was extremely hurtful, to think if he didn't want to say it to me he could've text/emailed me to just not have the decency to do that is/was extremely hurtful and it's taking me so long to get past that

[canuckprincess]

That had to be very painful, I'm sorry he did that.

I think that you should let go when it stops being worth it, but that's what I feel about all relationships. If it isn't making you happy, if there isn't value in it, if your life isn't BETTER because of that relationship then you don't need it in your life.

 

Thank you I needed that, very well put. Now I know what I need to do.

[woinlove]

I've been thinking recently that my 'affair' with ex mm went on way longer than it should

 

Granted, it shouldn't of happened in the first place but indidnt know he was married at first but I've been thinking today that the day i found out he was married is the day it should of ended. But I was too attached even then (around 5 years ago)

 

At what point do you think you should let go? Or if you already had what made you end it? Did you go nc or did it just run its course?

 

My ex mm just disappeared on me which was extremely hurtful, to think if he didn't want to say it to me he could've text/emailed me to just not have the decency to do that is/was extremely hurtful and it's taking me so long to get past that

 

Sorry he hurt you like that. For me, it was watching MM and how he interacted with his W during the separation and divorce and coming to the realization that his traits didn't bode well for a long-term committed R. So I ended it, I was confident in my choice, and I went NC because I wanted to, but MM (then divorced) broke NC a few times.

 

Our R did not turn painful or hurtful. It was just that there had always been a certain amount of drama and, although I wouldn't admit it at the time, perhaps some feelings of competition for him, and it took me a while to see beyond that and to realistically think about whether this was the kind of man I wanted to tie my life too. I think it's important to try to do that during an A, unless one is just in it for kicks and fun, and it is not easy to do when he isn't fully available and one is more focussed on whether he will leave his W or not.

[canuckprincess]

I've been thinking recently that my 'affair' with ex mm went on way longer than it should

 

Granted, it shouldn't of happened in the first place but indidnt know he was married at first but I've been thinking today that the day i found out he was married is the day it should of ended. But I was too attached even then (around 5 years ago)

 

At what point do you think you should let go? Or if you already had what made you end it? Did you go nc or did it just run its course?

 

My ex mm just disappeared on me which was extremely hurtful, to think if he didn't want to say it to me he could've text/emailed me to just not have the decency to do that is/was extremely hurtful and it's taking me so long to get past that[/QUOT

 

That has always been my biggest fear that he would leave and never say good bye.

Edited August 6, 2012 by canuckprincess

[MourningLosses]

That's what my friend did to me. He just went silent for 4 months without warning! We were in different countries and I couldn't just go and see if he was ok. I didn't know if he was having a horrible time divorcing or if he was depressed or dead or had dumped me. I honestly didn't think he was capable of just dumping me. I mean you tell someone you're breaking up with them don't you? Finally I wrote to his brother and soon after I got a cruel email saying it was all over and it was all lies. He suddenly loved his wife, yeah right!

 

I didn't give up. I asked him if I should send his wife an apology. No answer. I told him I would move on, no answer. I came all that way to see him and he was horrible to me. Told me he didn't want my forgiveness. He wouldn't speak to me about what he'd done or what he was feeling. He was obviously holding in allot of emotion. So I don't think he felt nothing for me.

 

Then I went home and months later, after I only warned him of something- I got another horrible email saying it was all my fault, I was looking for an "affair" and trying to hurt everyone! So untrue! So unfair! I just wanted to know if we could have a relationship one day. It wasn't an "affair".

 

I probably should do my own post but I can't fathom why someone could dump someone by just going silent. He thought he owed his wife a gentle break up with hours d counseling, didn't I at least deserve a proper conversation?

 

Sorry. It is still a deep wound a year later.

[MissBee]

I've been thinking recently that my 'affair' with ex mm went on way longer than it should

 

Granted, it shouldn't of happened in the first place but indidnt know he was married at first but I've been thinking today that the day i found out he was married is the day it should of ended. But I was too attached even then (around 5 years ago)

 

At what point do you think you should let go? Or if you already had what made you end it? Did you go nc or did it just run its course?

 

My ex mm just disappeared on me which was extremely hurtful, to think if he didn't want to say it to me he could've text/emailed me to just not have the decency to do that is/was extremely hurtful and it's taking me so long to get past that

 

Like you, I too believe it shouldn't have happened and when I realized the truth, that he was committed elsewhere, I also felt like I should have ended it, but I was attached and didn't want it to end.

 

It's often hard to let go of attachments, even when they aren't serving you. Hence some people hoard items, lovers, stay in relationships too long, continue using objects that are falling apart etc lol..all because of attachment, fear of the new, fear they won't find something else, all kinds of reasons.

 

I don't think I ever thought it would work out in the end. I think I always knew it wouldn't, and when it started, it was more casual. I never expected him to leave or anything and so I knew at some point it had to end. I wavered back and forth, especially when things happened to remind me of how kind of dead-end it all was. I'd however continue "being friends", which really was no different and it would eventually fall back into the same pattern of us being like a couple and me then having hopes and dreams for us, me feeling more attached, then as I feel closer and closer I eventually hit the glass ceiling painfully then want it to end, because it was a treadmill to nowhere. Rinse and repeat the process of it being good when it was good then me wanting to end it, when the inevitable ceiling made it's presence known, but being sucked back in because of those good times. He was the one to initiate the NC that put an end to the relationship. I am forever grateful (not sure how altruistic he was being, although a year later he came back to say he did it for me, because he loved me and knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and it hurt him so much to do it and blah blah). Had he not had the strength or whatever forced him to...it would have probably dragged on further, as when I tried to end it, I had no resolve.

Edited August 6, 2012 by MissBee

[Sugarcube]

I recently experienced a similar situation. It's much too long of a story but it has the same ending. No goodbye, just a bunch of lies and false promises. My MM asked me to marry him, bought me a diamond ring, called me his wife, referred to me as Mrs (his last name) and swore on the lives of his children that we would be married. We even went house hunting.

 

In the end I found out that he lied to me about his relationship with his BS and was cheating on me with yet another woman. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

We were together for over 5 years. Time is the great healer, so its been said.

[Leelou]

 

My ex mm just disappeared on me which was extremely hurtful, to think if he didn't want to say it to me he could've text/emailed me to just not have the decency to do that is/was extremely hurtful and it's taking me so long to get past that

Some people are conflict avoiders and do all they can to avoid a big scene in breaking up.

 

If it helps you any, let me share my thinking with you regarding my recent letting MM go- I'm thinking I don't want to have a End Conversation with him, because frankly I don't see the point in it.. we've broken up twice before in over four years and each time I got to Tell him stuff and answer his questions, yet he dodged mine. So, he doesn't give Information, he just takes it.

So what's the point? I would rather just say it's over, and so be it. It's NOT GOING TO HELP ANY TO DISCUSS THINGS WITH HIM.

 

In your case, perhaps your MM didn't want to face a scene with you crying and pleading with him. Or asking him a hundred questions as we women do.. he likely saw it as Easier to just slink away. He didn't want the accountability.

 

It doesn't mean you were not worth anything, just that he couldn't handle it. Not then. Maybe in the future you will get that closure. Maybe not.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Leelou

[Happyface]

Hello Angel,

 

I remember you well.

 

In hindsight, I think after the first year, I should have walked away. Then the emotional bonds got tighter and I started to be attached to him.

 

I became extremely emotionally and physically attached during the next two years. It seemed impossible to let go but eventually his W tried to get him during one of his long phone calls. He missed the call waiting sound. I don't know how much he told her, but he wrote and said he couldn't risk seeing me again.

 

It would have been easier to walk away earlier but we didn't. We had NC for 15 months. Then we had contact once and he still wanted to continue the A because his wife was no longer suspicious. I did end all contact at that point. I don't expect ever to see him or him from him again. Wish I had done it sooner, but have truly let go now.

 

What happened to you was truly terrible and cruel. I know how much hurt you had.

 

Best wishes,

 

Happyface.

[imperfectangel]

I remember you too gg

 

I have finally let it all go, a month or so ago he. Alled told me he loved me/wanted me/needed me etc then he just disappeared I guess he got the ego boost/validation he was craving that day but never again

 

If he can't make up his mind after 14 years he never will and I'm done waiting but in the back of my mind there is still hope, eventually I'm hoping that wil fade

[sad puppy]

Listen up, ladies. You must focus on the fact that these "up and leave without a word" guys are conflict avoiders. It is not an admirable trait in a man. This is also why they have affairs, instead of pulling the trigger on a divorce.

 

If you want "closure", sit down when you're just spitting angry, write a scathing email, full of venom and fury, and SEND IT. Give him a piece of your mind as to what a spineless weasel he is. Don't let him off easy. Get the last word, shred him to pieces, and make it known you are way better off without a spineless, cheating liar in your life. Do it.

 

And brush yourself off and move forward. I did it, and I feel great. Buncha voicemails from him "can we talk, wow, blah blah blah". No. We can't.

 

Take one last shot and take back your power. Nothing better than putting someone in their place. And in this instance, their place is in the past.

[Summer Breeze]

We had multiple ddays and I always expected that at each one that would be the end. I just went on about my life and expected nothing. He always came back. With all the endings I expected, I never figured on what would really happen.

 

One day I woke up to his call and I saw his name on the phone. Like the chick said in A Chorus Line -- I felt nothing. That's when I knew I was done. No drama and no scenes. That night I called him and cancelled the vacation we had planned. I told him I loved him and never wanted to not love him so it was best we ended now. My feeling came out of nowhere and to him my words came out of nowhere. That was it.

 

When you're not happy is the time to end it. I agree about the power. I think it must be much easier to end it on your own terms.