Sober, then miscarriage, now drinking

[wannaberunner]

Hi. I decided I drank too much/ drank as a way to escape from my problems, and joined AA. I was sober for 7.5 months. For the most part I was much happier, as in, more stable and not nearly as emotionally all over the place. But in other ways I was not happy. Although AA really helped me in many ways, I felt "cursed" with having to go to it all the time, or forever. I felt different from other people and I absolutely hated going out with people without a drink. If I was at home with my boyfriend or close friends or family and no one was drinking, I would feel okay/great. But if anyone was drinking I would feel left out and want to join them. And I wasn't productive in other areas of my life- it was like all my time and effort was spent on NOT drinking, which in a way felt just as bad as when my time and effort had been spent on drinking.

 

So I stopped going to AA at about 5.5 months, I didn't even get my 6-month chip, I didn't think I should drink any more but I also didn't think I should keep going to AA. Then I found out I was pregnant, and a bit after that that I had had a miscarriage that hadn't happened yet. This was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. All I wanted to do was escape the misery. So I started drinking again. I guess this is an excuse although I don't know how I'm getting through, drinking or not drinking. It is this long drawn-out process where at 8 weeks along they told me it was only 6 weeks developed, and that I would have a miscarriage, but it didn't start for 2.5 weeks after that, and then it has lasted another 3 weeks so far, although they say it should be over any time now. It really sucks and I don't know how to get past it, although maybe it will be easier once the whole process is finally done.

 

But now I just feel rather dead inside. While I was focusing on not drinking, I let everything else about my life slide. I got fat, my house is a mess, I'm not working nearly as hard as I should, and I just have no motivation. Sometimes I just start crying out of nowhere at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it seems like the only way I feel "normal" is to have some drinks. And I'm not even drinking crazy, but I know there has to be something better than this.

 

I guess I just feel like my problems are bigger than drinking or not drinking. I have to learn to live a normal life either way, to be dedicated to my goals and take care of myself, and that's something I can't seem to learn how to do. Any advice?

[fucpcg]

STICK with AA. Alcohol is a terrible drug, I hardly touch it because I've seen soo much horror from it, in my own family, and recently with an ex girlfriend. Alcohol has the power to destroy lives, and in a manner that allows you to just cruise thru it blindly if you don't do something to stop it. Don't be fooled into thinking you are fine because you go a couple weeks or even months without a drink. My ex picked it up without skipping a beat after being sober and healthy for a year.

[wannaberunner]

STICK with AA. Alcohol is a terrible drug, I hardly touch it because I've seen soo much horror from it, in my own family, and recently with an ex girlfriend. Alcohol has the power to destroy lives, and in a manner that allows you to just cruise thru it blindly if you don't do something to stop it. Don't be fooled into thinking you are fine because you go a couple weeks or even months without a drink. My ex picked it up without skipping a beat after being sober and healthy for a year.

 

Thank you for this. I do think I've gotten into a rhythm of denial or complacency-- thinking like, yeah, I know I've had problems with it in the past but right now it's semi-under control, I'm not being too crazy, I can have it now and then etc. But I know I drink differently than "normal" drinkers do, in fact I know for sure I've been using it as a coping mechanism or self-medication, and that's not really what I want to do with my life.

 

I guess I just have a big resistance to AA. Even though the people are nice and it does help me a lot, I feel like a moron for *needing* it, or like my whole life revolves around it. When I went to AA my life was basically a mess and after 7 months my emotional stability and overall inner happiness had changed for the better, and I'd made some good choices with parts of my life, but other parts were still in shambles-- for instance, my house was still a mess or maybe even messier, my physical health was horrible and I was reaching for sugar or fast food since I couldn't reach for alcohol, I wasn't paying attention to a lot of things at work and really getting behind on deadlines and projects, etc. It's like NOT drinking took up so much of my time and energy, and I just didn't have anything left for other areas of my life. I guess maybe I expected drastic quick results when really I should have just been glad I was gaining some sanity and peace of mind and that's what really mattered at the moment, although I do want to pay attention to my other responsibilities and goals, besides just not drinking.

[wow04]

I am probably bias here, but I have been in AA for 12 years and sober for 9 years. AA works, but you have to be willing to work it. Did you get a sponsor? Did you work the steps? Go back to AA and get a sponsor and start working those steps. AA showed me another way to live without alcohol. I will be honest, I had a huge issue to never drinking again, which is why it took me 3 years to finally get sober. Truth is you have to be ready to quit and go to any lengths to get sober!

[wannaberunner]

I am probably bias here, but I have been in AA for 12 years and sober for 9 years. AA works, but you have to be willing to work it. Did you get a sponsor? Did you work the steps? Go back to AA and get a sponsor and start working those steps. AA showed me another way to live without alcohol. I will be honest, I had a huge issue to never drinking again, which is why it took me 3 years to finally get sober. Truth is you have to be ready to quit and go to any lengths to get sober!

 

Thank you for the input and help Wow04.

 

For a few months I just went to meetings (which helped a lot but I wasn't ready to actually do the steps etc.), but then I got a sponsor. I guess I wanted a more hands-on sponsor or maybe one that was further along in her own recovery-- I often felt like I wished my sponsor and I could just be friends and hang out without drinking (that was one of the things I wanted the most from AA- everyone in my social circle drinks a lot), but that I wanted a more mature and seasoned sponsor. But she did help me and doing the steps helped a lot. I was at step 4 when I quit and I guess it just seemed overwhelming and daunting and scary.

 

I stopped going to AA meetings about two months before I started drinking again. I guess in that way I kind of gave myself permission to drink again even though I held off for awhile. I found out I was pregnant after I stopped going to AA. And then when I had my miscarriage I literally dove back into drinking, I mean I just felt depressed and like what's the use of not drinking when I feel so crummy. Sometimes I would think about going back to AA but it was more for wanting comfort for my miscarriage, just people to listen to me and understand, and I realize that's not the point of AA and I should probably go to counseling but my insurance doesn't cover that. So anyway I'm rambling, I admire you for being sober for 9 years and I'm glad AA helped you. I know it's very helpful.

[wow04]

Are there any support groups for miscarriages in your area? You might want to look into that.

 

About your drinking. Only you know if you are sick and tired of living the way you are. If you are sick and tired of it then go to AA and go to any lengths to get sober.

 

If you need some one to talk to just PM me.