Stoneman70 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... I don't get it. I didn't see anything in what you just said that proves that arranged marriages are hard to break from. You told your wife you had an A, and all your wife said is you are married for life and will stay married. That's not a binding threat or force. You could have challenged it. You didn't ask her permission to have an A and I don't think you need one to divorce or simply separate from her. Do you have kids? If not, then even more so there isn't the fear of her using the kids against you. Your spouse does not need to have your blessing to divorce. If you no longer want to be with someone, you do not ask their permission to leave. They may dislike your choice, most people do in a non-mutual break up, they may beg, plead or cry...but usually CANNOT stop the other from leaving if that individual truly wants to. Stone, I think you're fine where you are. I don't see you making any great strides to change your situation. You told your wife, she said you will work on the marriage and you pretty much said okay, then are saying see how hard it is to leave. It doesn't compute. If that's the "hardest"...your life is pretty sweet, as that did not seem hard to me at all. I do understand leaving any marriage is unpleasant...but I just can't really feel bad for you or feel like you're going through so much hardship based on what you say. It just comes off as pure lack of effort IMO, as I know too many people with kids and other hardship, who fight tooth and nail with their spouse but they put up a VALIANT EFFORT to leave...and leave they eventually do! As short of being with an abuser, no one can force you to stay with them if you truly are done with the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... So... Your W said "no" and your response is to meekly say "ok, hun" and mope on for the rest of your life. Not the choice I would make but ok...you are EXACTLY where you want to be. If you want so bad - get out. smh 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 You just need to divorce her. We are not in the dark ages. You just don't want to do it. P.S. Your wife is a sad woman, to accept anything just to have you in her life. Sad, very sad. Both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Have you actually told the rest of your family that you don't love your wife, that you're miserable? If not, DO SO. Tell them that you've already had one affair, though it ended..(Though chances are, since it's obvious you don't want to be married but are sticking to it because of family pressure, you're ripe for another affair at some point) That you want a divorce. Maybe if they understood just how unhappy you are, they won't hold it against you. There are no kids, so that makes it slightly easier to leave. Not sure what your culture is, but I find it difficult to believe that this day and age one cannot exit a marriage. Unless you're afraid your whole family will shun you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 I think they will hold it against you having an affair anyway. You should have divorced without telling. Now you will always be the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 6, 2012 Share Posted August 6, 2012 Stoneman, I think it is good that you told your W the truth. It's a positive first step. Most of the posts aren't very positive because your posts have given the impression that you are not committed to your M and are only staying married because S did not want to divorce. However, you've taken one positive first step and it is now up to you (and your W) what your next steps are. You can either chose to commit to your M or to divorce. Most people probably expect you to do neither and just stay married, but with one or two feet always out the door. Maybe you will surprise them. As to looking like the bad guy because you told -- no, you just look like who you are, a man who just had a secret affair and whose head is still somewhat in the affair. But your future is up to you, and you can choose to look like someone else in the future, someone you and others will admire. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Trust me having an affair makes you the bad guy forever. My dad went through that. If the marriage ever fails now it will be your fault and te fact you had feelings for S makes no difference. People who are judgmental expect you to just stop feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... So? Do you honestly think people who are not in arranged marriages happily skip through a divorce? It is not uncommon for one spouse in a marriage to not want the divorce and to not be amicable about it, but the spouse who wants the divorce goes through with it anyways. Divorce is not a day out at the park for anyone, it's not a pleasant experience for anyone, arranged marriage or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 at least you were honest with her ( fully honest, I hope).... was this your first affair? if i remember correctly, the answer is "no". Does your wife know about those times as well? If not, she neds to know, as she needs to know what she may be dealing with in her life...she needs all the information to make a decision. I don't know how your culture view infidelity, but she may well , if given time and the full details of what went on, change her mind. It really doesn't sound much like there is love on either side, but that still doesn't negate the needs for honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Why did you tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 So... Your W said "no" and your response is to meekly say "ok, hun" and mope on for the rest of your life. Not the choice I would make but ok...you are EXACTLY where you want to be. If you want so bad - get out. smh ha! i'm almost certain that's what my MM's W told him and that was his reaction. "meekly" is right. Stoneman, if you're miserable, get out . . . unless you're really not that miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 What if your wife had said, I hate you, I want a divorce. How is that different than you wanting to divorce? In the eyes of your family and culture. I hope some day you realize that you need to live life for you, and not for your family. They aren't the ones living your life - You are! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... I think right now she is kind of shocked and scared of divorce eventuality. Most BS first reaction is fear that the WS will run away with the AP and they do everything to avoid divorce. But, even if she stays married to you, you can be sure she will resent you very soon and for a long time. Visa or not, culture or mindset, you can't keep a long-distance marriage for years. At some point you need to make a decision, either going back to your country or divorcing so she and you can have a normal life. Luckily you have no kids, there is nothing serious except "culture" that keeps you from starting a new life. Just my opinion.. Edited August 7, 2012 by East7 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 In all honesty I'm wondering if this is true or if it is how much you actually told her Im sorry but there has to be more to it than this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 The thing is I told her and her response was just that, much to my surprise. I think she was shocked. My brother and cousin already knew about S because I introduced them to her and I figured it may come out so I should tell my wife. We will be living together full time soon. My culture is very important to me, and respect is high. My affair with S was disrespectful but I was afraid it would come out from someone else and i didn't think that was fair. I do love my wife as stated before, it just is not the type of love I felt with S. I want to see if my marriage can make it. I want to see how we are together full time before jumping to conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 You want to see if your marriage can make it? How is that going to happen if you will be living full time with your mistress? Whats to work on? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I'm still not clear on why you told her. From what you said it was just fear of her finding out from someone else. Be nice with your wife, try to get S out of your mind, and see where living together gets you. I'm sure you can have a decent marriage if you commit to it. Link to post Share on other sites
2_long Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 after many years in an unhappy marriage I forcefully say figure out if you really and truly want to be with your W forever. if the answer is yes then stop having affairs and put 100% into your marriage. If the answer is no then get out as fast as you can. It only gets harder as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 You want to see if your marriage can make it? How is that going to happen if you will be living full time with your mistress? Whats to work on? Huh? I don't live with my mistress and we broke up 3 months ago. My wife doesn't live in the same country ( in Europe) as I do, but will very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Huh? I don't live with my mistress and we broke up 3 months ago. My wife doesn't live in the same country ( in Europe) as I do, but will very soon. Ah, they way it was worded didn't clarify that for me. Thanks for do so yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 She was not happy, but said, "we will stay married and work through it. We are married for life." This is the mindset of my family and culture and im not surprised. Even if she is unhappy, she doesn't want a divorce. Arranged marriage is not so easy to break free from as one can see...so we will work on this and hope for the best.... Just want to update.... I have no idea what it's like in an arranged marriage. I do know what I read and I understand that there is a huge amount of expectation and regard to how the M looks to the outside world. So many times we hear that no one knows what goes on in a M and I would assume an arranged has a whole new set of things we don't understand. I won't be so arrogant to sit here and say you can leave easily because I don't know if you can. I just hope that you find some happiness and you let your W know that you mean business in reconciling. Post here when you feel weak. If you're going to stay with her then show her she's worth staying with. I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Stone, somebody already asked but I think it's vital you have an answer to this, for your own sake: Why did you tell your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Stone, somebody already asked but I think it's vital you have an answer to this, for your own sake: Why did you tell your wife? And...what, SPECIFICALLY, did you tell your wife? There's a world of difference between "S told me she's interested in me" vs. "S and I exchanged a few emails" vs. "S and I started to get a little too close emotionally" vs. "S and I had a full blown affair" even vs "S and I had a physical/emotional affair and I am still very much in love with her". Technically, all are true. Which version did your wife get? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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