jmsdmom Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 My husband told me in January that he had been having an affair and that the OW was pregnant. Since then, I moved 4 hours away to protect my children from the situation. He has come out to see us every weekend and calls several times daily. He tells me almost every day how sorry he is for hurting me and the kids. He says he wants to reconcile and move out here with me and my kids. The baby is due any day, and I need to know what is going to happen with him and this woman after the baby comes before I let him come out here. He says he has no feeling for this woman, but I need to know post-baby. I have never in my life stayed with any boyfriend that cheated on me, but this seems so different. My kids have such a great relationship with their dad. Is it possible that he truly is sorry and has learned his lesson? Am I crazy for wanting to save my marriage after this? Can it work? Are there any other women out there that have gone through this and your marriage survived? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 You are not crazy for wanting to save your marriage, but tread carefully. In your circumstance I highly recommend counseling for both of you. You can't deal with all of this yourself, and you don't have to. He cheated on you and regaining your trust is something that he must try to do. You call the shots here, but unless you really know what you want and what it will take on his part, and yours, to get past this you could spend years of heartache trying to find a solution that a good counselor can help you with. You might have to try out a few counselors to find the one that is right for you, but do it. If it doesn't work out, he can and should still be a good father to your children---but don't forget, he needs to be a good father to his other child too. Link to post Share on other sites
mtmom Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 It is totally natural for you to want to save something that you have invested so much in. You have alot to think about and alot of things to ask yourself. Are you going to be able to live with him knowing what he has done? Will there be fighting and accusations that your children will overhear? Will you ever be able to trust again? What are his motives in wanting to stay with you? Whatever you decide to do remember that sometimes pride is a good thing, and you should consider yourself and children before him. He now has to take care of you, your children and this baby. What about the child, if you work it out are you going to allow him to see and be a part of this child? If the child comes around will you take your anger out on it? You will need counseling, thats a no-brainer. I think you should talk to your family also, mom, dad, sister whoever, what do they think? Stay strong and try to consider the long term before any decision is made. Your husband is a sorry bastard for what he has done, and as far as being a good dad, well he really showed it in betraying you and creating a child with a women he supposedly has no feelings for... wow, you poor thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 It's not crazy if you still love him. Honestly? I think that once an affair has happened, it takes A LOT of effort on both partners, and even then only a small percentage manage to keep the love alive. In three years from now, will you still feel the same way? That it's worth everything to save you marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmsdmom Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 I wish I could see three years down the road. I'm hoping the fog will clear a lot sooner than that, but today his mistress apparently called him to tell him her water broke. Right now I'm just really glad I took the kids and left. I'm so confused - he had plans to come see my kids this weekend as usual - he says her labor changes nothing, that he is not changing his plans. I don't know what to think about that one. Obviously it changes things. I just don't know how yet. This is so crazy. Big dose of reality setting in...right now I feel like I didn't go far enough away. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Well, to give you another perspective-he impregnated this woman-how he treats her now and her child reflects very much on the type of person he is. Please keep updating. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 You realize that even though he doesn't love this woman, he should & probably will love this baby. If you accept him back into your life, you need to keep an open mind to that. That there will always be some sort of communication between him & this OW. Reality is going to hit you hard, you can't just expect him to ignore this new baby. This baby didn't have a choice of being born, or who the father was going to be. Marriage counciling is a must if this marriage is to be saved. He destroyed the foundation of the relationship. Has he cheated on you with others? Remember he lied to you, so you have every right not to take his word. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Also- have you given any thought as to how YOU will handle the other baby- It is your children's sibling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmsdmom Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 Yes, I know the child has no blame here and I know he will love the baby..and that if our marriage is going to work I will have to love the baby, too. I have thought long and hard about what is going to happen when he brings the baby with him on one of his trips out here. I love babies - and would never hurt the child. I would never expect him to ignore the child. I think that's what is bothering me with him coming out here like nothing is going on. As far as if there have been other women, I don't think so, but how do I know now that I know he is capable of it? I agree with all of you - how he treats this child says a whole lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmsdmom Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 Well, the baby is here, it is a girl. My husband hasn't gone in to the hospital yet - he says he's going sometime today. He didn't want to be there to "hold her hand" or anything, saying that he's interested in the baby, not the mother. Don't know how to feel or what to think. I'm kind of numb right now. I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks so much for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 This may not be a popular opinion, but I feel that if he is interested in the child, he needs also to be interested in the welfare of the mother. (not neccesarily a sexual interest) It's a shame he hasn't called the woman who just delivered HIS CHILD to at least wish them good health. My guess is that he's so focused and desparate to get YOU back that he won't make a real effort with them....I'm not sure. What are you going to do? Do you think you should seek therapy, alone to sort out your feelings first? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock This may not be a popular opinion, but I feel that if he is interested in the child, he needs also to be interested in the welfare of the mother. (not neccesarily a sexual interest) It's a shame he hasn't called the woman who just delivered HIS CHILD to at least wish them good health. I agree. Remember how everyone was saying you would be able to tell a lot about him by how he treats her and the baby? I'm sorry but to me this seems like another strike against him. I do think that you are handling a difficult situation admirably. It seems as though he is letting all of you down at every turn but you still have the best of intentions for everyone invloved. Bravo for your concern for the baby! If your husband keeps acting like he has been then that little girl is gonna need all the champions she can get. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 If you forgive your husband and take him back, the other woman and the baby will be a part of your life for a long time. He will have contact with her and he will have to see her on ocassion. This could very well drive you batty. The constant wondering what he's thinking about her, wondering what she's like, etc. This also may not be a popular opinion but I think you should consider it. Once the other woman is out of the hospital and back on her feet, I think the 3 of you should have an openminded meeting. You need to learn that she is a human being that has nothing personal against you. She has a life, desires, ambitions, etc. You need to attach a face and personality to "the other woman". You should meet her without anger and hatred and ask her to do the same toward you. Even though this happened "during" your marriage, you should try to treat her as if she was his ex-wife/girlfriend and the baby as your step-child. You don't have to become best friends with her but getting inside of her head, getting her feelings might do you a world of good and help you look at her as a human instead of that whore my husband was with. There's an excellent chance that she's actually a decent person that made a mistake. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I think the issue is less this woman and her child so much as her husband's horrible behaviour, then and now. I think that both mother should sit down WITHOUT him, and discuss things. Calmly. In a public place, without any pointy sharp things around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmsdmom Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 Well, you guys are probably right, but I don't know if I have the fortitude to sit with this woman and maintain any kind of class at this moment. I am looking for a therapist, because I think you all are right. I don't know what I feel right now and I need a little help sorting through that first. As that song goes, "I've become so numb". I've never really had so litlle emotion about anything, so I figure I'm really not doing so well. Should be an interesting weekend if he actually decides to come out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 If I were you, the kids would be waiting bags packed for time with dad, soon as the car pulled up I'd shove them out. He's a pig-why does he get to stay with you? The man had a baby with another woman. You don't have to make nicey nice with ANYONE-really all I wanted was for you to realize that even though he's laying it on thick to get back in your life and good books he's still a pr*ck if he ignores her and the baby like he's seeming to do....watch your heart. Go talk to someone. The numbness won't last forever-you should be prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmsdmom Posted July 18, 2004 Author Share Posted July 18, 2004 Well, he came out here Saturday and left early this morning. Played ball with our son and cuddled up with our daughter until she went to sleep. He told me that this is how it should be everyday. Well DUH. It feels like such a farce to me right now. Spock, I think you are right. Bags packed and come get em. When I see that side of him it just makes me so mad that he put it all on the line. I just found out that this girl he knocked up is on welfare and medicaid - not that it makes her a bad person, but it makes him liable to the government for that money. Now, too, after seeing the baby, he says he wants a paternity test. Why now? What is to doubt now? He called this afternoon to tell me he loves me and could tell I was not my normal happy self. Then he had the audacity to ask me if I was mad at him!!!! I just told him I was working through some things and didn't want to talk right now. Thankfully, I have a wonderful attorney. I am counting the minutes until 8am tomorrow morning to see what my options are with this mess I call my life. Then maybe I can talk some more. I'm just so blown away that my marriage is just a heap of rubble. It used to be everything to me. I just wish I were a little further down the road so it wouldn't hurt so much. Link to post Share on other sites
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