krystle Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 ok here's the deal...i am in love with a married man who says he may leave his wife but hasn't yet. I don't know whether to stick around longer or move on..which will be hard to do too.please help Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Stop seeing him. Tell him that if he wants to be with you to: 1. Tell his wife 2. Move out 3. File for divorce 4. Call you AFTER the divorce is final In the meantime, move on with your life. Read some of the other threads in the OM/OW section. You'll find lots more opinions and advice Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 If you haven't become physically involved with him, then you have some leverage. Otherwise sorry to tell you that but he will never leave. You said he "may leave" so there you go. He is giving some morphine to keep him and not kick him. Take the advice on an OW and leave while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Stop seeing him. Tell him that if he wants to be with you to: 1. Tell his wife 2. Move out 3. File for divorce 4. Call you AFTER the divorce is final In the meantime, move on with your life. Read some of the other threads in the OM/OW section. You'll find lots more opinions and advice Fantastic advice Hokey Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Very rarely do people that are married leave their spouse for someone else, and if they do, alot of the times it doesn't end up working out between the person they left their spouse for. So my question to you is, if he did leave his wife, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you that he has done to his wife? I'm not saying that you all have been physically intimate or anything, but still, if he feels something for you that he doesn't for his wife, he may end up doing the same to you with someone else. You might want to cut all ties and move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 I say read through some of the other "other woman" posts. I know "every" situation is different but many have offered the same advice to most. You should stop the relationship as soon as possible so that no one else gets hurt! You are playing with fire and are bound to get burned! Since he said he "may leave" you should be able to read right through that. If he wanted to leave he should have left and then found a GF! Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Just move on now! If you think it will be hard to leave now believe me it will be even harder later on. Do you want to live your life like you are now for 2, 3, 5, 10 years? I'm pretty sure you don't because it's not the greatest feeling, agree? So move on now and if later he shows that he got a divorce and you are willing to go for it, then do so. Link to post Share on other sites
cheeks Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Don't do it. Move on. There are so many 'single' fish in the sea. I will never go near a mm again. It has been absolute devistation for me. I lost 2 years of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
kiwi29f Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Move on!! They hardly ever leave their wives for a fling, come on, married men have too much to loose, most of them love their wives & only cheat to get a thrill. Find a SINGLE man, leave those married men alone. Do you want to be known as a home wrecker? b/c even if its mostly him, you KNOW he's married continuing to see him. Let me tell you, if I ever found out my husband was having an affiar w/ anther woman I would leave him then hunt her down & tell her exactly what I thought. I'm sorry but I'm not too forgiving when it comes to infadelity on either sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 You make it sound so simple, kiwi, but it's not. And you'd know, if you had ever been there. Link to post Share on other sites
grace1962 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I dont know what advice to offer you except move on very fast w/ your life! Its worth far more than you'll find w/ him. I have found this forum to be wonderful as I've had no one to talk to.. but I have also been searching the net and I found this and maybe it'll be helpful to you. Cakeman Dr. Roger A. Rhoades There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth. Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation. As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways. It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. They want to have someone to have their babies. They want to fit in with other people in their social circle. They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents. They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them. No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase. These men are what I call Cakemen. Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time. They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women. They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered. If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled. In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world. If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this. On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend. One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship. When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility. Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else. In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship. The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player. When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service. In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time. One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man. He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts. The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net. Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it. This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack. If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping. It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage. When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him. The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation. Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman. These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job. Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives. Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication. The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act. The emotional stability you save might be your own! Link to post Share on other sites
birdlynn Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Greatly written!! Wise and comforting widom for us all, thankyou. Link to post Share on other sites
jerzgrl Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Thank you so much Grace1962 for posting the Cakeman. I really needed that! I broke it off with my MM 5 weeks ago. I can not even believe that I haven't called him because it took me 6 months to break it off. I have this great need to want to hear from him but at the same time I know I can't go back to him the way it was before. He's a CAKEMAN! Everyday I cry because of the pain I have been feeling. It is getting better slowly but I am still in shock that he hasn't even tried to contact me. I feel so rejected but at the same time I tell myself this is really the best thing and I think he knows that as well. My question is would it be ok for me to email him this Cakeman writing? Krystle, I met my MM when he was not living at home and because of a brief illness he had to move back home. For 14 months he told me was moving out again and never did. My CAKEMAN has been in and out of marriage counseling for 10 years and nothing ever changes in his marriage and the way I see it is if he's been as miserable as he says he is then why is he still there? Because the bottom line is he just doesn't want to leave. I get so angry with myself for always trusting what he said to me. I trusted that he would follow through and do what he said he would but the truth is he never will and he just didn't have the balls to tell me. Thanks for listening...I didn't expect to write so much..but I guess I needed too. I wish I had only found this board months ago.....<sigh> :( Link to post Share on other sites
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