Should I reconcile with my ex, who's quite possibly the love of my life?

[Rosie88]

This might run a bit long and I apologize in advance, but I just want to be as thorough as possible with the facts so I can get the best advice :)

 

So last year while I was doing an internship down in Florida I met an international student who was interning at the same place, though in a different department. My internship started in January and his in May. We started talking in the break room whenever we happened to be on break at the same time and also on the bus back to our housing complexes (company-provided). We have similar personalities and became good friends. The whole time we were there he always hinted that he liked me, but I never noticed because I'm not good at picking up those kinds of signals (in retrospect, I now realize that I liked him all along and just didn't know it).

 

We hung out a lot for the duration of our internships but nothing ever happened between us until the night before my internship ended and I had to return home up north (I finished this past January and he finished in April). He came over my apartment to say bye to me and one thing led to another and we made out and he ended up staying the night. After I returned home we would text and talk on the phone every single day, several times a day, and at night when he got home from work we would stay on Skype for hours. Things were amazing and I had never been happier in my life.

 

Although I had had a few flings in the past, I had never really liked or even considered a relationship with anyone before. At the end of January he told me he was falling for me and I realized that I was falling for him too, and then a few days later he confessed that he'd actually fallen in love with me. It took me a bit longer to realize that I had fallen in love with him too because it was new territory for me, but eventually I told him I loved him too. I went to visit him for 4 days just 2 weeks after I'd returned home and we had an amazing time. I'd never been happier. Unfortunately I was going overseas in February for 3-4 months, so there was a lot of uncertainty as to when we'd see each other again, if at all since he's from another country and would have to go back home 1 month after his internship ended.

 

The week before I was to leave the country we made a spur of the moment decision and I went to see him again, this time for 6 days and boy was it better than the previous time!! I returned home heartbroken (and I left him heartbroken too) because I was leaving the country just a few days later which, ironically, was on Valentine's day. On the day I was leaving he stayed on Skype with me until I had to leave for the airport. I had planned my trip many months before and I had been looking forward to it for a really, really long time, but when the time came I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving. I ended up staying only 2 months because we missed each other so much and I wanted to return before the end of his internship so I could go see him again.

 

While I was abroad we talked on Skype almost every single night (it was hard at times because of the time difference - I was 4 hours ahead) and we would stay on for 4-5 hours. Some nights, when he got out of work late, we would stay up until 5 or 6am my time.

 

Well, I came back to the US and a week later went to see him. We had planned on 2 spending 2 weeks together, but some things came up so we only stayed 1 week. We had a good time, but it wasn't the same as the first 2 times and, in retrospect, I realize that the time we'd spent apart made me really scared of losing him so I was becoming insecure and clingy and was starting to put a lot of pressure on him as a result. But we still had a good time.

 

We had a few falling outs and usually it was me complaining about him taking long to reply to a text or not calling when he was "supposed to" and silly stuff like that. He always apologized even when I knew I was being unreasonable. He told me he loved me all the time, but I was really, really insecure and that kept taking a toll on the relationship. I felt him pulling away which made me even more insecure. I'm very self-aware, so I knew when I was being unreasonable and avoided bringing up unnecessary stuff to avoid problems. He was still the same caring, loving guy, telling me he loved and missed me a lot all the time. But again, my insecurities were getting the best of me so I was looking for red flags and signs of trouble everywhere. I didn't bring them up, but I felt myself pulling away in fear that he was going to leave me, even though I knew he wouldn't because I could tell that he genuinely loved and cared about me.

 

Then about 2 months ago I moved to NYC for a new job, and since I wasn't doing anything for that whole time, I had a lot of time in my hands to obsess over little things in our relationship. I broke up with him 3 times (once when I was abroad over something really stupid). Each time we stayed broken up for less than a day. But the damage had been done. He became really afraid that I would break up with him again so he began to pull away. He still sent me the sweet text messages he used to, but he wasn't as open with me as he used to be because he was afraid of saying something that might upset me.

 

The 3rd time I broke up with him it was over something major (I accidentally found out that he'd been married before - and I say accidentally because I didn't find out from him). I called him and asked him about it and he said it was a mistake from his past that he didn't want to talk about or bring into our relationship, which is why he never brought it up with me. We talked it out and I thought I'd forgiven him for not telling me, but over the next few days I found myself going over things in my head from our times together and kept finding red flags everywhere, even non-existent ones. Things deteriorated from then on and I ended up breaking up with him again (ironically, it was on the day that marked 6 months since our first kiss on the night before my internship ended, which is what we decided should be our anniversary date).

 

It's been a month now and during this time we decided to remain friends because we realized that distance was putting a lot of pressure on our relationship but still care too much about each other to just let go completely. For the first 2-3 weeks we texted each other almost every day to check on how the other was doing and he called me frequently to say hi and see how I was doing, which I definitely appreciated.

 

Then about a little over a week ago we had a slight falling out - he called me to check how I was doing but I was in a noisy place and couldn't hear him, so I told him I'd let him know when I got home so he could call me back. I texted him when I got home but he didn't call until the next day, and I missed his call because I was at the beach at the time he called. I didn't see the missed call until much later in the day, almost 9 hours later, so I texted him my apologies and told him he could call me back if he was free. He never called nor texted me back until about 4 days later asking if I'd "forsaken" him. I was upset that he hadn't been in touch for all those days even though we were "just friends" so I never replied. Even though I still love him a lot, I was beginning to give up on us ever getting back together because I was afraid we'd already done too much damage. I've been heartbroken and fighting back tears for the past week. Just the mere thought of all our times together, the good memories and all, and imagining that we might never be together again break my heart to pieces.

 

Today I started a new job and when I woke up in the morning I had a text from him wishing me good luck and best wishes on this new path I'm embarking on (his words) and at the end of the message he said "I will always love you." I texted him back saying thank you and that I really appreciated his kind words, but I was guarded and didn't say that I still love him too even though that I was all I wanted to do. He's still Florida (he applied for a visa to stay in the States and is still waiting to hear back from immigration).

 

So, after this long, long story (sorry :o:o:o) I need to know what I should do. I am so confused!! I want to be with him more than anything, but there's so much uncertainty as to whether he'll get his visa to stay in the country and I don't want to get caught up again and then have him taken away from me if his application falls through. Also, I keep reminding myself that I broke up with him for a reason (granted my insecurities played a big part in our falling out, I won't deny that, but he's kept a lot of things from me and I can't fully trust him anymore, and now I don't know if I'm being unfair to him by expecting too much from him or if my expectations are normal - remember, I've never been in a serious relationship before and don't really know what's "right" and what I should put up with or not).

 

I hate relationship rules and I hate that I'm letting myself get caught up with them. For instance, I want to be with him so badly but I'm afraid of "giving him the upper hand" as my friends put it. They keep telling me that I need to be strong and all this other stuff, but I really just want to be with him. My biggest fear is that I've given him too many chances and every time he would change for about a week or so until he went back to his old habits (mostly concerning communication, which he's admitted he's not good at, but which is really important to me since that's all we have right now being that we're at a distance).

 

I appreciate my friends' advice and help, but they're biased and partial to me and, unfortunately, they see him as the "bad guy." I know I've done my fair share to break up the relationship and he always tells me that I'm the one who keeps breaking up with him when in reality he just wants to be with me (he tells me he's never felt the way he feels for me for anyone else, and I know he's being sincere when he says that and his actions show it).

 

I guess my main question is: should I stand my ground and remain "strong" and let him come to me, or should I throw caution to the wind and just say "screw it" and get back with him? Does it mean I have no self-respect if I just take him back after all the stuff he's done (I didn't put all of it here because it would've made this post even longer than it already is but, again, I have a lot of trouble trusting him because of things he's done). I just don't know what to do anymore!!! It's a battle between my heart and my head and I don't know which one I should listen to at this point...the only thing I know for sure is that I still love and miss him like crazy and my life's not the same without him in it, even if from a distance. He was my best friend while we were dating and I just miss him terribly and hate to think that he might be hurting because of me...

 

I know that, ultimately, the decision of whether I should get back with him is solely mine, but I'm in dire need of some unbiased feedback. Please don't hesitate to ask for more details and/or clarification on anything I said. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and, hopefully, giving me some feedback.

 

And I'm terribly sorry that this turned out to be so long :o:o:o

Edited August 7, 2012 by Rosie88