My story

[MourningLosses]

I have been lurking awhile. Maybe I should post my story as I too could use advice.

 

I also got great career benefit from my relationship, but that wasn't why i did it- I loved him with all my heart long before and I trust him still not to make me out as just in it for the professional help. I also believe he truly loved me and in his heart I'm sure he still does. We are so perfectly matched.

 

But now his wife and her friends know and I'm scared they will make me out to be awful. In fact I'm sure they will. And I don't care as long as my family and my work aren't affected. But I know she is vindictive, she's already told people in the profession I share with her husband.

 

It is still worth all the advice and support he gave me, not to mention the love, but now I have so many emotional wounds and fears that my career will endtip damaged because of his insecure wife.

 

I don't think it was worth It just for the mentoring because of that. But it was worth it to find the love of my life. Hopefully she will drive him away with her anger and insecurity.

[MourningLosses]

I don't see why the 3 of us can't be adults about this. He chose to stay with her, he didn't have to be so cruel about telling me. Basically he now says it was all lies but makes no apology. I wasn't lying. I wouldn't have ever asked him to leave her if he hadn't told me it was over, they were just coparenting, they had a new baby due and he couldn't leave until the baby was older and his wife was able to work and support herself. If I'd known he went home after seeing me and slept in the same bed as her I couldn't have done it. But he didn't apologize for the lies that they were over.

 

If she was mature about this the personal could be separate from the professional. I don't care that she hates me personally but what right does she have to ruin the career I've worked so hard for? And she's controlling him to make him help her. He is excluding me from things, writing mean refusals to admit me to professional meetings he runs, it's so unfair!

 

If she ruins anyone's career t should be his not mine!

[MourningLosses]

I wasn't using him at all. I did get a lot of benefit from the relationship both in terms of love and work. But I wasn't using him. I believed he loved me. I still believe he does and if she would let him work with me we could have a rewarding friendship again and who knows what else one day?

 

She is so unsuited to him. It's just an accident she met him first and he had no experience of relationships and he married her and had children. Now it's like she's using the kids to keep him trapped. If the field was level he would choose me. We are like two halves of the same person.

 

I don't blame him except he is so weak he won't stand up to her.

[mercy]

Poor, poor weak man. He can't control who he marries, who he has children with, who he lives with or even when he honors his word. He is a robot controlled by the evil master of woman who stumbled through life and accidentally met him before he met you. Then to ensure that she had control over his life she had a voodoo charm placed on him to let him think he isn't an adult and can walk away anytime he wants to.

 

Now keep in mind if he has no control over any of his actions where she is concerned...how could he possibly have enough control (or common sense) to love you? He isn't capable of making that choice all by himself, remember his wife has the remote control and she can tell him what to do, how to feel, where to go, so and so on. You can't have it both ways.

 

I agree with you though, they probably aren't suited. I don't know many wo(men) who think they are in a monogamous relationship are very well suited with a person who does not think they are in a monogamous relationship. You two might be better suited.

 

Oh, you used voodoo, too?

 

*sticking pins in man doll*

[Athena]

But I know she is vindictive, she's already told people in the profession I share with her husband.

Well you were vindictive too, you stole her husband

 

It is still worth all the advice and support he gave me, not to mention the love, but now I have so many emotional wounds and fears that my career will endtip damaged because of his insecure wife.

Your career will not end damaged because of his wife, but because of some piss-poor choices YOU made to mess around with a MM. Own your crap.

 

Hopefully she will drive him away with her anger and insecurity.

Ha ha. That's funny. YOU insert yourself into her life and marriage and mess up her marriage, and then you whine and complain when she turns around and inserts herself into YOUR life and career!! She is quite within her rights to deal with you, after all, you just did the same to her without her doing anything to you! Now you don't like what she's doing? Tough luck. It's called consequences. Deal with them.

[whichwayisup]

I wasn't using him at all. I did get a lot of benefit from the relationship both in terms of love and work. But I wasn't using him. I believed he loved me. I still believe he does and if she would let him work with me we could have a rewarding friendship again and who knows what else one day?

 

She is so unsuited to him. It's just an accident she met him first and he had no experience of relationships and he married her and had children. Now it's like she's using the kids to keep him trapped. If the field was level he would choose me. We are like two halves of the same person.

 

I don't blame him except he is so weak he won't stand up to her.

 

You should copy and paste all your posts and start a new thread for yourself that way we all can reply to you directly on your thread instead of thread jacking Mount's thread. It isn't fair to her..

[Happyface]

YOu really don't know whether you are truly perfectly matched or not.

If you can get you head around the fact that it was JUST AN AFFAIR and stop thinking of it as a fairy tale love match, it will help you. He doesn't want you... you are not in competition for him.

 

He might love you but it doesn't sound like it.

 

Also, stop being petulant and childish about the W. She probably believes that her whole family has been threatened by her husband's A, although lord knows why she would still want him. It is quite natural that she feels as though she would like to get rid of you. YOu cannot expect her to invite you to afternoon tea for a chat, you know.

 

YOu messed where you shouldn't have...you and the married man both did and you both have to bear the consequences.. unfortunately a third part does also. Perhaps you will have to seek another job eventually.

 

I am a former OW. I have had years to reflect on what I thought was the love of my life. I truly believed that he would have been with me if he could. I have since come to the realisation that for him I was just an A, a diversion if you like. He was never going to be with me because it suited him to have two women.

 

I was as guilty as the MM I was involved with and so are you. Leave it alone .

 

Happyface

[MourningLosses]

Wow I didn't move these posts. Spooky! But ok then.

 

It is far from the whole story. I never said unwanted him to leave her. I was only hoping we could be close friends, emotional support to each other and maybe one day have a relationship. He was the one who said it was over with them. He said he would have to stay until the baby was 3 but that seemed soooo far away he eventually said 8 months. I thought when the baby was born he would have a flood of love for his mother and go cold on me. I tried to protect myself by breaking up with him but it was never going to work, we were too connected. It's like I can see into his soul and know what he's feeling. What happened was he said it would kill her if he left, destroy her. He wasn't sure he could that as he still cared about her just wasn't in love with her. I feel the same about my husband.

 

We agonized and talked endlessly about what we could do to get out of the mess without hurting anyone. It just wasn't possible and he was determined to leave her. A few days before he went silent on me he was telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me properly.

 

Then he just stopped emailing and texting and calling. He stopped replying. He blocked me on chat. He just ignored me without warning. I have an anxiety disorder and he knew that. How could he do that? He couldn't. She must have made him. How could he let her?

 

I had a breakdown worrying about him, missing him. And then after I wrote to his family months later- he finally sent me the cruel "it's over, I want to forget it all" email. He said it was just a fantasy and not real. He had gotten back with me once before after his wife found out so I thought he would this time.

 

I just can't believe he is really that person who could do that. If he is then he needs me because he is sick and has lost touch with reality. I have tried being nice and bright and sending very very friendly only email. I have tried Just talking about the work we share. I have tried writing about anything at all. No response.

 

I cannot imagine not having him in my life even just as a friend. Why can't I have that? Why does she have to have all of him when she can't make him happy? Why is she so controlling?

 

Now He is excluding me from professional invitations but all my coworkers get invited. What can I say about why? Why can't he just be professional? I think he is afraid he would still fall for me. I know he would too. If I could just talk to him alone, but he avoids that like a coward. Wot even tell me to my face that it's over and he loves her. He can't say it without lying and he knows I can see it.

 

I won't give up. I will fight for my career and I will fight to have my career include him, my life include him. He is part of me and I am part of him. When he pushes those feelings down it is just avoiding them for a while. Though he has been cruel to me for a year now I know, I could see and hear the emotion in his voice. I know it is her controlling him. One of the loveliest thigs about him is how he cares for her and the children. I know she will use them and play the victim so he can't leave her. But hopefully the recriminations will drive him away in the end.

 

I just don't know how to keep her out of my career or stop her telling my coworkers or even my husband! Though he is hard to find. I am so anxious about the instability. I just want to know he wasn't using me, that he loved me even if she makes him stay.

[frozensprouts]

a couple of things...

 

you are way to hung up on his words, so much so that you can't see his actions. You have really strong feelings for him, and are projecting those feelings on to him as well. Look at the reality of the situation, and what his actions tell you.

 

This is a guy who told you he can't ;eave because it would hurt his wife and kids ( words) but look at his actions...he cheated on his wife during one of the times she was most vulnerable ( pregnant and and with a newborn). Can you just imagine what finding out about his cheating would have done to his wife and child while she was pregnant? It would have been horrible for her, and could have even led t harm to the baby. Does that sound like a man who cares about his child enough to not leave a bad marriage for them?

Now his words to you are that he doesn't want you in his life, and his actions ( avoiding you, making sure you are not around him, trying to keep you as far away as possible) are matching up with them.

 

I know it hurts, but you need to start looking at this with out the rose colored glasses on, and try being a bit objective. He's a married guy who cheated on his pregnant wife. Nothing more, nothing less. You are seeing it as some great tragic love story, when really, it's not. You invested so much more into it than he did, but you don't see it that way.

 

As for his wife and him "interfering" in your career, etc....really now, who's fault is that? You invited him into your life, and it didn't work out...that is on you, not her. It sounds like you need to take a big step back from all of this and start taking responsibility for your own choices/actions. I'm not trying to be mean, but he has said quite clearly that he wants nothing more to do with you...and his actions match that. Pay attention to what he's telling you, and leave him alone. If he really wants to be with you, he'll make it happen, if not, then treat it as a very painful lesson learned and move on. If you can't, get some professional help to aid you in letting go. If you don't, there may be some very negative consequences for you...is that something you really need in your life?

[MourningLosses]

I'm well aware I consented to getting into this mess. But if he hadn't lied about them being over, not sleeping together, feeling like a brother to her- I wouldn't have ever gotten into it! I actually feel cheated on that he may have gone home from being with me an slept with her!

 

I take full responsibility for my actions but I don't think they are for theirs- him for the lies he told me- both of them for the state of their marriage before me. Why am I the only one being punished?

[frozensprouts]

um, read back what you just wrote there...

 

how on god's green earth is she responsible for your actions? I can see him being responsible for the lies he told you, but her?

 

Like I said before...words and actions...you use a lot of words and say you are responsible for your action, but your actions say differently.

 

Look at it this way...did you force him to cheat with you? Were you some kind of seductress that no man could resist? Was it all part of some machevelian plan to cause pain to his wife and family? Of course not...but if you weren't any of those things, then what makes you think she is? If he was capable of making a decision all on his own to be with you, then what makes you think it was any different with him/her?

 

Seems like your anger is really displaced. He's the one who lied, he's the one who hurt you. You're hurt and angry, which is totally understandable. But you are angry at the wrong person. Whatever their marraige may/may not have been like, he was the one who made the choice to have an affair, and as long as you continue to put the blame for it all on her ( or even all on him) you likely won't feel much better.

 

Like I said before...please give your thoughts and actions some great consideration. You don't want to get mired in a place you don't want to be...get some counseling if you find it just to hard to more forward. If you keep up with the emails and trying to contact him, you may find yourself in a place you really don't want to be...is it worth it?

[woinlove]

I'm well aware I consented to getting into this mess. But if he hadn't lied about them being over, not sleeping together, feeling like a brother to her- I wouldn't have ever gotten into it! I actually feel cheated on that he may have gone home from being with me an slept with her!

 

I take full responsibility for my actions but I don't think they are for theirs- him for the lies he told me- both of them for the state of their marriage before me. Why am I the only one being punished?

 

You are not the only one hurt by this. I'm sure his wife is hurt that her H lied and cheated while she was having a baby with him. His children are probably hurt too by the deception and turmoil brought into their home. And for him, unless he changes, he has to live as a lying, disloyal man who treats people very badly - do you think there is any true happiness in being that kind of person?

 

But you only have control over yourself. By acknowledging your role and seeing this man as he actually is, you can learn and start to move on. It is your hurt and pain, perhaps some addiction/obsession too, that makes you say you will not give up and are determined to have this man in your life. That path is the path to more hurt and pain. See him as he really is, and I think you will realize that your life will be better without him in it.

[Spark1111]

Sorry you are in pain.

 

It is not uncommon for a MAP to rewrite the history of their marriage as a way to justify having an affair. All he told you of his wife and his marriage was probably not all true, although he may have believed it at the time.

 

So, now he is back with his wife and he is rewriting the history of the affair to his wife and maybe his brother.

 

ML, stop with the emails and the phone calls and contacting the brother. You are truly beginning to look and act as a stalker. And every time you inititate another contact, you make it so much easier for him to convince everyone that you are the crazy, unstable one.

 

He has told you it is over, and still you contact him or his family.

 

That has to end now.

 

You will never be friends, you cannot be. Because you were never a friend to his marriage, even at his invitation, now that he has recommitted to his wife and his child, you two cannot be friends now.

 

Take the high road and bow out gracefully. Do your job and ignore the disinvites from company events.

 

I think he and his family are beginning to fear your actions and will continue to avoid you.

 

Time to move on.

[mercy]

Sorry you are in pain.

 

It is not uncommon for a MAP to rewrite the history of their marriage as a way to justify having an affair. .

 

I took this as a literal 'map' (atlas), you spoke about a road later in this same post. It was a great analogy of taking wrong turns choosing another path but I think MAP means something else. What is it?

[veryhappy]

Married affair person?

[GorillaTheater]

I also got great career benefit from my relationship

 

But now his wife and her friends know and I'm scared they will make me out to be awful. In fact I'm sure they will. And I don't care as long as my family and my work aren't affected. But I know she is vindictive, she's already told people in the profession I share with her husband.

 

It is still worth all the advice and support he gave me, not to mention the love, but now I have so many emotional wounds and fears that my career will endtip damaged because of his insecure wife.

 

I don't think it was worth It just for the mentoring because of that. But it was worth it to find the love of my life.

 

So you're okay with the positive consequences, but not with the negative consequences. Negative consequences are "unfair".

 

Comedy gold.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So you're okay with the positive consequences, but not with the negative consequences. Negative consequences are "unfair".

 

Comedy gold.

 

Yes, and also it garners a lot of attention.

[Spark1111]

Is it me or is there an increase in bunny boiler mentality? It is everyone's fault but mine? Strange...if things did work out I wonder if they would take credit for that action instead of pass it along to everyone else?

 

IMO, whether it is true or not, this is how ML is being perceived, as bunny boiler with her continued emails after the break up.

 

In IC, my fWS was venting about me and others after dday, and as he listed a litany of what was wrong with his life and the causes of his unhappiness, the counselor kept asking, so was that Spark's fault? Or, how was that Spark's fault?

 

And brick by brick, no by no, the wall of blame and excuses and justifications were slowly taken down and dismantled.

 

It is easy to blame others for our unhappiness. Much, much harder is realizing we are responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness.

[MourningLosses]

I haven't responded to all the harsh words because they are so foreign to mmy memory of the truth. He paints it as an affair- but it wasn't an affair- it was so much more. I was his main support, and we promised each other we would always support and talk to each other.

 

Also in my work (academia) its very important to go to talk to people and discuss ideas and he works at the major school in the area. If I can't go there, where I got my PhD, then that's a huge thing- not possible really- when all my colleagues are going and it would benefit me most as the rookie. He is basically ruining my career for personal reasons.

 

I don't understand how I could have helped falling in love. I tried not to. I just can't believe the thigs he wrote. I can't get them out of my head they are so wrong, so delusional. Like a sexist cliche that the evil wan seduced him or something. If he had told me he was sleeping with his wife I couldn't have some it. I only got involved because of his lies. But I'm the bad guy!

[truthbetold]

I haven't responded to all the harsh words because they are so foreign to mmy memory of the truth. He paints it as an affair- but it wasn't an affair- it was so much more. I was his main support, and we promised each other we would always support and talk to each other.

 

Also in my work (academia) its very important to go to talk to people and discuss ideas and he works at the major school in the area. If I can't go there, where I got my PhD, then that's a huge thing- not possible really- when all my colleagues are going and it would benefit me most as the rookie. He is basically ruining my career for personal reasons.

 

I don't understand how I could have helped falling in love. I tried not to. I just can't believe the thigs he wrote. I can't get them out of my head they are so wrong, so delusional. Like a sexist cliche that the evil wan seduced him or something. If he had told me he was sleeping with his wife I couldn't have some it. I only got involved because of his lies. But I'm the bad guy!

 

Your memory of the truth is completely twisted. For HIM it was just an affair. That happens. The fact he did it while the wife was otherwise occupied (preg/baby) shows that he's a selfish snake that wasn't top priority at that time. Now that the chit has hit the fan, he realizes she is who is important and he's doing what is recommended to repair the marriage.

 

He doesn't give a crap about your anxiety bc his focus is on repairing his marriage, harsh maybe but true. He can't coddle you and keep his wife. He made his choice, seems you are going into bunny boiler mode. He's not hiding anything or pining away for anything. To him it was a mistake, that happens and it's HIS choice to see it that way.

 

He's never going to be friends with you. And frankly he likely doesn't care if your career is ruined as long as his marriage is saved.

 

Like others said you play with fire you can get burned. To say you wouldn't have done this or that if you knew he was going home and sleeping with her. Really? Why wasn't him being married enough to stay away? Women with strong sense of self don't get sucked into a pathelic litany of a mm's web of lies. They roll their eyes and move along. They shut down inappropropriate contact. It's called boundaries and you can't fault the wife for YOU not having proper boundaries.

[veryhappy]

I know this isn't your plan...but could you move to a different school/area/circle?

 

You lost. Write it down, post it everywhere, get over it. No matter what he whispered into your ear, you make it worse by having any contract with him. And give that woman a break to recover after having a baby, will you?

 

You are the one who's being punished because you are the other woman. Most people see value in marriage, and only negatives in affairs.

[MourningLosses]

I have loads of empathy for his wife. I used to cry and have panic attacks about what it would do to her and the children if he left. I tried to break up with him because of my empathy with her. He was devastated that was the reason I broke up with him. But I did it gently- not cruelly like how he dumped me!

 

And now- she didn't lose him! She never suffered what I was empathizing with her about. She is back in her marriage with her lifestyle and routine and support network and husband! She should be secure because he chose her didn't he? So why is she taking it out on me for her marriage? Why can't she let me have a normal professional life at least?

 

She's "won" so why make me the bad guy? If she doesn't trust him to see me in seminars or conferences then she should ask herself why she doesn't trust HIM. And if she must demand it then HE should move. But pressuring me by compromising my career is putting the blame on me for the fact she couldn't keep her husband happy!

 

As for my husband he is happy as long as I sleep with him. I am financially dependent right now but who knows how we will be over time.

[truthbetold]

I have loads of empathy for his wife. I used to cry and have panic attacks about what it would do to her and the children if he left. I tried to break up with him because of my empathy with her. He was devastated that was the reason I broke up with him. But I did it gently- not cruelly like how he dumped me!

 

And now- she didn't lose him! She never suffered what I was empathizing with her about. She is back in her marriage with her lifestyle and routine and support network and husband! She should be secure because he chose her didn't he? So why is she taking it out on me for her marriage? Why can't she let me have a normal professional life at least?

 

She's "won" so why make me the bad guy? If she doesn't trust him to see me in seminars or conferences then she should ask herself why she doesn't trust HIM. And if she must demand it then HE should move. But pressuring me by compromising my career is putting the blame on me for the fact she couldn't keep her husband happy!

 

As for my husband he is happy as long as I sleep with him. I am financially dependent right now but who knows how we will be over time.

 

It's clear you're not going to get it if you equate words like "win" and "lose" in love. She didn't "win" anything. Her life as she knew it is destroyed, her memories tainted. You went into this willngly, her not so much. That's why she's so ticked and will possilbly destroy your life. You helped to take away her choices. Doesn't feel so nice does it?

 

It has nothing to do with keeping her husband happy. He was selfish and wasn't the priority at that time and sought out some extra fun. That's all he wanted. She's doing nothing to force him to keep you out of the events. It's HIS CHOICE. Why don't you accept that? You played with fire, you got burned. You took a risk and it didn't go in your favor. CONSEQUENCES.

 

Yeesh, are people not being taught consequences for their actions in life? How sad.

[MourningLosses]

I know I have to let go or at least be patient from a distance- but what makes it ok for her to ruin my career? What else is she allowed to do? Stalk me? Abuse me? Harm me?

 

Why can't he just admit it was real- that he really loved me but it cannot be? Or tell me why he stopped loving me? That's what makes no sense. He just went silent. He never told me he didn't love me. Or why. Doesn't he owe me that after all we've been through together?

 

It's like a year of my life was a lie and there's no explanation. He is being delusional now, scarily, and saying I seduced him, that I took advantage just because I said I was attracted to him and hoped we might one day have a relationship.

 

I just want an adult explanation. Without it this just doesn't ring true.

[goodthingscome]

(bunnyboiler anyone?) Not to take away from your hurt, but you need to get some professional help before you do something even worse then cheating. No one is worth all this angst.

 

 

Wow I didn't move these posts. Spooky! But ok then.

 

It is far from the whole story. I never said unwanted him to leave her. I was only hoping we could be close friends, emotional support to each other and maybe one day have a relationship. He was the one who said it was over with them. He said he would have to stay until the baby was 3 but that seemed soooo far away he eventually said 8 months. I thought when the baby was born he would have a flood of love for his mother and go cold on me. I tried to protect myself by breaking up with him but it was never going to work, we were too connected. It's like I can see into his soul and know what he's feeling. What happened was he said it would kill her if he left, destroy her. He wasn't sure he could that as he still cared about her just wasn't in love with her. I feel the same about my husband.

 

We agonized and talked endlessly about what we could do to get out of the mess without hurting anyone. It just wasn't possible and he was determined to leave her. A few days before he went silent on me he was telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me properly.

 

Then he just stopped emailing and texting and calling. He stopped replying. He blocked me on chat. He just ignored me without warning. I have an anxiety disorder and he knew that. How could he do that? He couldn't. She must have made him. How could he let her?

 

I had a breakdown worrying about him, missing him. And then after I wrote to his family months later- he finally sent me the cruel "it's over, I want to forget it all" email. He said it was just a fantasy and not real. He had gotten back with me once before after his wife found out so I thought he would this time.

 

I just can't believe he is really that person who could do that. If he is then he needs me because he is sick and has lost touch with reality. I have tried being nice and bright and sending very very friendly only email. I have tried Just talking about the work we share. I have tried writing about anything at all. No response.

 

I cannot imagine not having him in my life even just as a friend. Why can't I have that? Why does she have to have all of him when she can't make him happy? Why is she so controlling?

 

Now He is excluding me from professional invitations but all my coworkers get invited. What can I say about why? Why can't he just be professional? I think he is afraid he would still fall for me. I know he would too. If I could just talk to him alone, but he avoids that like a coward. Wot even tell me to my face that it's over and he loves her. He can't say it without lying and he knows I can see it.

 

I won't give up. I will fight for my career and I will fight to have my career include him, my life include him. He is part of me and I am part of him. When he pushes those feelings down it is just avoiding them for a while. Though he has been cruel to me for a year now I know, I could see and hear the emotion in his voice. I know it is her controlling him. One of the loveliest thigs about him is how he cares for her and the children. I know she will use them and play the victim so he can't leave her. But hopefully the recriminations will drive him away in the end.

 

I just don't know how to keep her out of my career or stop her telling my coworkers or even my husband! Though he is hard to find. I am so anxious about the instability. I just want to know he wasn't using me, that he loved me even if she makes him stay.