My story

[truthbetold]

I know I have to let go or at least be patient from a distance- but what makes it ok for her to ruin my career? What else is she allowed to do? Stalk me? Abuse me? Harm me?

 

Why can't he just admit it was real- that he really loved me but it cannot be? Or tell me why he stopped loving me? That's what makes no sense. He just went silent. He never told me he didn't love me. Or why. Doesn't he owe me that after all we've been through together?

 

It's like a year of my life was a lie and there's no explanation. He is being delusional now, scarily, and saying I seduced him, that I took advantage just because I said I was attracted to him and hoped we might one day have a relationship.

 

I just want an adult explanation. Without it this just doesn't ring true.

 

Why can't you accept that maybe it wasn't "real" for him. It was fantasy and a diversion while her focus was elsewhere? Cheaters will say anything to keep getting laid, to keep their interests in focus. He told you it was a mistake, why don't you accept that you can't change what he now feels and move on?

[goodthingscome]

I haven't responded to all the harsh words because they are so foreign to mmy memory of the truth. He paints it as an affair- but it wasn't an affair- it was so much more. I was his main support, and we promised each other we would always support and talk to each other.

 

Also in my work (academia) its very important to go to talk to people and discuss ideas and he works at the major school in the area. If I can't go there, where I got my PhD, then that's a huge thing- not possible really- when all my colleagues are going and it would benefit me most as the rookie. He is basically ruining my career for personal reasons.

 

I don't understand how I could have helped falling in love. I tried not to. I just can't believe the thigs he wrote. I can't get them out of my head they are so wrong, so delusional. Like a sexist cliche that the evil wan seduced him or something. If he had told me he was sleeping with his wife I couldn't have some it. I only got involved because of his lies. But I'm the bad guy!

 

ML, you stated in a previous post that your MM wife was pregnant. Um, how do you think she got that way unless he wasn't screwing her? I think 2 out of 3 MM use the same BS story when they are trolling for a sidepiece, Hell! You are married yourself and stated as long as you screw YOUR husband (whom I feel horrible for btw) he was happy! YOU are responsible for YOUR choices.

 

Like others and myself have said please let go of the "fantasy" and get some much needed help so you will be able to make better life decisions in the future.

Edited August 7, 2012 by goodthingscome
spelling

[alexandria35]

I have loads of empathy for his wife. I used to cry and have panic attacks about what it would do to her and the children if he left. I tried to break up with him because of my empathy with her. He was devastated that was the reason I broke up with him. But I did it gently- not cruelly like how he dumped me!

 

And now- she didn't lose him! She never suffered what I was empathizing with her about. She is back in her marriage with her lifestyle and routine and support network and husband! She should be secure because he chose her didn't he? So why is she taking it out on me for her marriage? Why can't she let me have a normal professional life at least?

 

She's "won" so why make me the bad guy? If she doesn't trust him to see me in seminars or conferences then she should ask herself why she doesn't trust HIM. And if she must demand it then HE should move. But pressuring me by compromising my career is putting the blame on me for the fact she couldn't keep her husband happy!

 

As for my husband he is happy as long as I sleep with him. I am financially dependent right now but who knows how we will be over time.

 

Stop being dishonest with yourself and with us. Here are some other things you have said in this thread.

 

Hopefully she will drive him away with her anger and insecurity.

 

if she would let him work with me we could have a rewarding friendship again and who knows what else one day

 

I know she will use them and play the victim so he can't leave her. But hopefully the recriminations will drive him away in the end.

 

 

You have no empathy for this woman. You are still hoping with all your might that he leaves her and comes to you. You want him to leave her and her children and she knows it. You are an enemy to her, her marriage and her childrens well-being. This is why it's impossible for there to be a friendship or even a professional relationship with this man. Your continued attempts to contact him are beyond disrespectful considering that he has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to you. If he is in reconcillation there is probably full disclosure between he and his wife and she likely knows everytime you attempt to make contact with him and exactly what you say. She knows exactly what your about and she has every right to keep you completely out of her family's life and that includes her husband. If you are serious when you say you don't want them to harm you professionally or reveal the affair to your husband then please use your head and leave him the heck alone. Everytime you try to force contact between you and he, he and his wife become that much more convinced that you are not playing with a full deck and you take that much more risk that they will reveal all to everybody. Maybe is you back off and start acting like a rational person he will stop completely icing you out at work and trust you to be normal enough to be included in work activities.

[truthbetold]

 

You have no empathy for this woman. You are still hoping with all your might that he leaves her and comes to you. You want him to leave her and her children and she knows it. You are an enemy to her, her marriage and her childrens well-being. This is why it's impossible for there to be a friendship or even a professional relationship with this man. Your continued attempts to contact him are beyond disrespectful considering that he has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to you. If he is in reconcillation there is probably full disclosure between he and his wife and she likely knows everytime you attempt to make contact with him and exactly what you say. She knows exactly what your about and she has every right to keep you completely out of her family's life and that includes her husband. If you are serious when you say you don't want them to harm you professionally or reveal the affair to your husband then please use your head and leave him the heck alone. Everytime you try to force contact between you and he, he and his wife become that much more convinced that you are not playing with a full deck and you take that much more risk that they will reveal all to everybody. Maybe is you back off and start acting like a rational person he will stop completely icing you out at work and trust you to be normal enough to be included in work activities.

 

Brilliant post, and very likely true. After all they're married therefore should be a TEAM.

[SidLyon]

I know I have to let go or at least be patient from a distance- but what makes it ok for her to ruin my career? What else is she allowed to do? Stalk me? Abuse me? Harm me?

 

...

 

He is being delusional now, scarily, and saying I seduced him, that I took advantage just because I said I was attracted to him and hoped we might one day have a relationship.

 

I just want an adult explanation. Without it this just doesn't ring true.

 

Actually she's "allowed" to do anything as long as she doesn't commit any crimes or untruthfully defame you. By sticking to the facts, it sounds like she's got enough to ruin your career, your reputation and possibly your marriage. She's not allowed to physically harm you or stalk you (bear in mind that "stalking" will have a specific meaning in your jurisdiction.)

 

Just as it wasn't illegal for you to try to ruin her marriage and family life, it isn't illegal for her to try to ruin yours and your career.

 

By the way I'm a lawyer and have spent a little time working out what a BS can and can't get away with 'doing' to the OW/OM, and still remain within the law.

Edited August 7, 2012 by SidLyon

[MourningLosses]

She had tons of friends, why can't she talk to those outside our profession? He is just forcing us down the path of my talking to the university about his behavior when I was his student. That will hurt him more than me. He only had to be nice to m and I was so nice to him and so supportive and understanding that he couldn't leave her. I just wanted him not to disappear!

 

Also we never even had sex! We simply loved each other. He actually pulled back from having sex when we had an opportunity, so it's not like my husband who has only one thing in mind.

[veryhappy]

If you don't like having sex with your H, it's unlikely it will get better.

 

He disappeared suddenly because he had to. Maybe she requested that, maybe he did it on his own. He doesn't need you to save him from her. He is a grow up and if he ahd anything else to say, he'd say it. Use the betrayal to feel anger towards him. You're focusing all your anger on her and it doesn't really make sense. He lied to you - you know that for sure. You were just a pleasant episode for a man with a pregnant wife.

 

He's not the man you built in your mind, so why insist on having him? He doesn't want you anyway.

[woinlove]

She had tons of friends, why can't she talk to those outside our profession? He is just forcing us down the path of my talking to the university about his behavior when I was his student. That will hurt him more than me. He only had to be nice to m and I was so nice to him and so supportive and understanding that he couldn't leave her. I just wanted him not to disappear!

 

Also we never even had sex! We simply loved each other. He actually pulled back from having sex when we had an opportunity, so it's not like my husband who has only one thing in mind.

 

ML, don't focus so much negative thought on the BW. It was MM who lied to you and he is responsible for his own actions and how he treated you. Also, try not to worry so much about the truth coming out. It can actually be a positive over the longer term, if it gets you to think about how you want to live. I strive to live my life so that I am fine with people knowing whatever is true about me, and I find that is one good ingredient for happiness. Hiding secrets and worrying is not fun at all.

 

Although it doesn't seem like it right now, having MM disappear and not keep hanging around you as a "friend" is a big positive for you. He hasn't treated you well and he has lots of work to do on himself.

 

If you want to tell the university about your affair and his behavior, I think that is fine. Often people having to deal with the consequences of their actions can lead to positive change. And probably better to speak the truth than try to hide secrets and worry about them.

[veryhappy]

Not to minimize an EA for anyone, but without sex I think it matters less. To the university, to him.

 

You probably thought him not having sex with you was romantic. It's just another sigh that he wasn't planning to leave his wife. He was flattered and played a little bit with the fire, but not enough to burn himself.

[Artie Lang]

you say you're in academia, but still carried on with this unethical and unprofessional behavior- him more than you.

 

very disturbing.

 

this has "bunny boiler" potential written all over it. imagine if you did have sex! i'd be very worried for the wife.

[MourningLosses]

It's late buying don't know where all this meanness is coming from. I'm the one who was lied to! I'm the one who was told they were over. I'm the one left without emotional support. I'm the one being intimidated not to go to things normal in my work. Where is their responsibility?

 

I still see it as controlling and insecure of her that she can't even trust him to be professional. We didn't even have sex at a hotel together so we are hardly likely to at a seminar!

 

I just want to get normality back. I would have thought they did too.

 

But whatever. You all want to judge me and not them, fine.

[Artie Lang]

You willingly entered into this type of "relationship," and now you're looking for sympathy?

 

you were ready for this man to leave this woman, but are bitter because he hasn't. furthermore, you accept no responsibility whatsoever- crying foul.

 

as intelligent you claim to be, you don't have a clue.....do you?! HE DOES'NT LOVE YOU.....HE NEVER DID! he was just using you for an ego boost.

 

wow.....just wow!

Edited August 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect

[MissBee]

It's late buying don't know where all this meanness is coming from. I'm the one who was lied to! I'm the one who was told they were over. I'm the one left without emotional support. I'm the one being intimidated not to go to things normal in my work. Where is their responsibility?

 

I still see it as controlling and insecure of her that she can't even trust him to be professional. We didn't even have sex at a hotel together so we are hardly likely to at a seminar!

 

I just want to get normality back. I would have thought they did too.

 

But whatever. You all want to judge me and not them, fine.

 

Hey Mourning,

 

I don't think people were trying to be mean to you. You were lied to, that sucks, but for future use: if a man is not divorced, don't be too quick to believe a still-married man that his relationship/marriage is "over". A good rule of thumb is: it's not over until the divorce. You are also married....did you forget this? You're not a single OW, you're a married one, which makes things even more complicated in terms of what you're owed by him.

 

It doesn't matter about his wife's insecurities, that has nothing to do with you. It was unprofessional of you to have an affair on your job. Period. That was YOUR mistake, and if you don't see that...well I don't know what to tell you. Why should we judge them? They're not here anyway so what does that matter? It's best for you to focus on who and what you can control: YOU and not worry about his wife.

 

He was wrong and you were also wrong, even without the lies on his part, you are also married, so you were wrong too. But it all has come to a head and now you need to pick up the pieces and move forward. Normality is you leaving them alone and doing your job. Although, you should also realize that some decisions we make forever alter things and we can never go back to how it was before. It may suck, but such is life. All actions and choices have consequences. If all is lost re your professional relationship with him, you have to move on and go around it. It would also be wise that you seek some professional counseling to extricate yourself from your marriage and get to a healthier emotional state.

Edited August 8, 2012 by MissBee

[lace5262]

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. I'm not and never have been an OW or BS.

 

People like you scare the he$$ out of me.

 

You're worried about your poor career. Wondering why the three of you "can't be adults about this"? Please tell me you kid?! You put yourself into his Marriage, but oh boo freakin who when/if his wife decides to make her presence known? With your career, your HUSBAND, your family etc! I would tell all of them and then some:D

 

I have an anxiety disorder and he knew that. How could he do that? He couldn't. She must have made him. How could he let her?

 

I also have an anxiety disorder. My husband helps as much as he can. Here's a news flash for you, She didn't make him do anything. If she had that much control over him, do you think he'd be a liar/cheater? The MM does not care about your disorder,because he does not love you, does not care about you, or feel any responsibility for you.

 

I just can't believe he is really that person who could do that. If he is then he needs me because he is sick and has lost touch with reality.

 

He needs you because he told you?, "it's over, I want to forget it all" He said it was just a fantasy and not real." Seems clear to me (aka reality). A man would only have to tell me that one time.

 

I have tried being nice and bright and sending very very friendly only email. I have tried Just talking about the work we share. I have tried writing about anything at all. No response.

 

And yet you still don't get it?

 

I cannot imagine not having him in my life even just as a friend. Why can't I have that?

 

I guess you better get over that real quick.

 

Why can't he just be professional? I think he is afraid he would still fall for me. I know he would too.

 

Why couldn't you both be 'professional'? If that was the case you wouldn't even be here. I don't think he's afraid of 'that' at all. He knows you're crazy/aka bunny boiler, same as I do;)

 

I won't give up. I will fight for my career and I will fight to have my career include him, my life include him. He is part of me and I am part of him.

 

Glenn Close, anybody?

 

Ml, you need help. You need serious professional help. I hope you get that before someone in this fairy.tale.relationship.in.your.head.gets.hurt. Sadly, it's usually the wife:(

Edited August 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lace5262]

"I still see it as controlling and insecure of her that she can't even trust him to be professional."

 

Didn't she already trust him to be professional? Look where that got her.

[MourningLosses]

Ok so you think that I have no right to a career now, that falling love should cost me everything.

 

I don't get it. I'm not expecting him to leave her now, maybe not ever. Ok it's over. So why can't he just be professional, why does he exclude me? If he wants me to heal and move on a much better way would have been a nice actual conversation about what happened, that we had something special but it's over. Instead he wrote that he hated me and that *I* apparently took advantage of him when he was depressed! Simply by being nice to him and a friend and telling him I was attracted to him? That makes me some evil predatory seductress?

 

I hope I can get some counseling where they don't judge me like you do. I was honest about my feelings, even my doubts that I could live with hurting a woman who was a stranger to me. I wasn't sleeping with my husband most of this time and not living with him for some of it. We have our own issues nothing to do with this. I apologized when I had to sleep with my husband, I felt I was betraying our relationship.

 

But ok. I see that everyone judges affairs here. I didn't expect that. Thanks anyway for the opinions.

[lace5262]

Ok so you think that I have no right to a career now, that falling love should cost me everything.

 

I'm saying if it were My husband, yes, it would cost you everything. We don't accidentally fall in love. I've been with the same man since I was 14 years old, I'm almost 34 yo now. I've never FELL in love with anyone else. Falling in love is always a choice, I wasn't tripped. Neither were you.

 

I don't get it. I'm not expecting him to leave her now, maybe not ever.

That's good that you don't expect it, because he's not.

 

So why can't he just be professional, why does he exclude me?

 

He's doing what he has to do to save his marriage. It's called no contact.

 

If he wants me to heal and move on a much better way would have been a nice actual conversation about what happened, that we had something special but it's over.

 

He does not care about your healing. He did not think it was special. He's told you that. Why are you hanging on to this POS?

 

Instead he wrote that he hated me and that *I* apparently took advantage of him when he was depressed! Simply by being nice to him and a friend and telling him I was attracted to him? That makes me some evil predatory seductress?

 

Have you never read the "cheaters handbook";) And do you always tell married men that you're attracted to them? That's a lack of boundaries on your part.

 

I hope I can get some counseling where they don't judge me like you do. I was honest about my feelings, even my doubts that I could live with hurting a woman who was a stranger to me

 

I hope you can get help too. I guess you were honest about your feelings, but they only seemed to be about you. Not the feelings of this MM or his wife. I must have also missed your doubts on whether you could live with hurting a woman who was a stranger to you?

 

I apologized when I had to sleep with my husband, I felt I was betraying our relationship.

 

I think that's the saddest thing I've ever read.

[woinlove]

It merely shows where ML's primary loyalty laid, which one was her primary relationship. Quite common with WSs.

 

But not so loyal so as not to have sex with another man and then have to apologize for it. I would not call that loyal at all. Pretty low standard in loyalty. It wouldn't be good enough for me.

 

This woman lives her life apologizing for what she does with MM, apologizing for what she does with her H, and you don't find that sad? Really, life does not need to be like this. One can make choices that one embraces and feels good about. It is possible. But often not when one is unhealthy and in need of professional help. ML, I hope you get the help you need because you are hurting yourself and others.

Edited August 8, 2012 by woinlove

[Summer Breeze]

He ended it. Let your heart break and get on with life. Tell your H and if there's a threat for your job be the first one to approach it there. That's my advice.

 

As far as your career. If he's trying to make things right with his W then you should be excluded from things that are optional. I also think that she has no right to attack your profession -- normally. The exception is what exactly you're doing. You are carrying things well out of proportion and not letting things end. You're causing them to go on the defensive and by doing that you're inviting them to defend themselves in any way necessary. I'm actually quite surprised they haven't told your H yet. If you kept battering at me in that situation I'd be in your face first and then if that didn't work I'd tell your H. Work is the last place I'd hit but if you pushed me hard enough I'd hit that too.

 

My shock in all of this is the utter disregard you have for your H.

[lace5262]

It merely shows where ML's primary loyalty laid, which one was her primary relationship. Quite common with WSs.

 

Where is her MM's loyalty? Which is his 'primary relationship'? He's with his wife, isn't he? Seems pretty dang 'primary' to me. And I actually think it's more common to believe that if you're a MOW/OW.

[frozensprouts]

I have loads of empathy for his wife. I used to cry and have panic attacks about what it would do to her and the children if he left. I tried to break up with him because of my empathy with her. He was devastated that was the reason I broke up with him. But I did it gently- not cruelly like how he dumped me!

 

And now- she didn't lose him! She never suffered what I was empathizing with her about. She is back in her marriage with her lifestyle and routine and support network and husband! She should be secure because he chose her didn't he? So why is she taking it out on me for her marriage? Why can't she let me have a normal professional life at least?

 

She's "won" so why make me the bad guy? If she doesn't trust him to see me in seminars or conferences then she should ask herself why she doesn't trust HIM. And if she must demand it then HE should move. But pressuring me by compromising my career is putting the blame on me for the fact she couldn't keep her husband happy!

 

As for my husband he is happy as long as I sleep with him. I am financially dependent right now but who knows how we will be over time.

 

 

OP,

I really do try and be respectful and understanding on here, as I know that most other men/women have suffered a lot of pain and heartache too...but I think you really do need to see the reality of her situation.

 

Finding out that the person you loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world has cheated on you is just about the most horrible feeling...the one person out of the whole world that you thought you could trust to always be in your corner turned out to not be who you thought they are turned out to be someone totally different...

You feel she's not suffering? Well she is. Everything he touches her, part of her will flinch away. She'll find it very hard to ever trust him again. Every time she closes her eyes, she'll probably picture the two of you together, and her heart will break just a little bit more..even her home won't feel safe to her. She'll see her new baby and be reminded that the baby was born during the time her husband was cheating and how do you think that feels for her? The two of you stole the time from her that is most precious- being pregnant and having a new baby and tainted it with sadness. The two of you probably broke her heart, and no amount of family support will change that.

She may get over it and move on and be happy again, but you participated in something that hurt another fellow human being so much, and you compound it by continuing to try and insert yourself into her life by trying to keep things going with him.

I know you are hurting to, and I'm sorry for that. Your heart is broken too, and that's really rotten...but the difference lies in that you made a series of choices that put you where you are...she had no such choice- it was done to her, not by her.

Does it make you feel any better to know she is probably hurting every bit as much as you are? I don't expect so....you sound like you are hurt and angry, but as hard as it is , you need to let it go...do you really want to find yourself stuck in the same place six months, a year from now? Why do that to yourself? Five years from now would you rather look back at your life with regret because you go stuck in a bad place, or would you rather look back with pride because you handled yourself with grace and dignity, and moved on to bigger and better things?

I know it hurts, but his actions are showing you that he really doesn't care if he hurts you or not....what does that tell you? Aren't you worth more than that?

[frozensprouts]

One more response to you OP, then I'll leave you alone...

 

I read more of your responses, and they make me very sad for you..there is such desperation in them...why?

 

The more you cling to this guy, the more it's gong to hurt only one person...you. If you keep trying to contact him, etc., you may find that you push his wife too far and that you'll end up in a much , much worse situation than you are now.

 

My husband's ex other woman was like that. I left her alone, at first I didn't tell anyone where they worked what had happened...I just wanted to move on...but she wouldn't let that happen. It got worse and worse, and finally I'd had enough. ( this was after almost 2 years of her behavior). I got some legal help and now she leaves me alone. That's good for me, but bad for her...she's lost her job ( not just because of this, but it did play a big part) and from what I hear through the grapevine, she's a very unhappy and bitter person...

 

I think that at one time, she may have been thinking and feeling similar things to what you are...she just refused to let go. Is that who you want to be? Do you want to be like her, two years (or more) down the road from now still hurting, still angry and still wasting your time and your life ? If you want revenge, why not follow the idea that the best revenge will be your living well and finding happiness in your life ?

[Summer Breeze]

One more response to you OP, then I'll leave you alone...

 

I read more of your responses, and they make me very sad for you..there is such desperation in them...why?

 

The more you cling to this guy, the more it's gong to hurt only one person...you. If you keep trying to contact him, etc., you may find that you push his wife too far and that you'll end up in a much , much worse situation than you are now.

 

My husband's ex other woman was like that. I left her alone, at first I didn't tell anyone where they worked what had happened...I just wanted to move on...but she wouldn't let that happen. It got worse and worse, and finally I'd had enough. ( this was after almost 2 years of her behavior). I got some legal help and now she leaves me alone. That's good for me, but bad for her...she's lost her job ( not just because of this, but it did play a big part) and from what I hear through the grapevine, she's a very unhappy and bitter person...

 

I think that at one time, she may have been thinking and feeling similar things to what you are...she just refused to let go. Is that who you want to be? Do you want to be like her, two years (or more) down the road from now still hurting, still angry and still wasting your time and your life ? If you want revenge, why not follow the idea that the best revenge will be your living well and finding happiness in your life ?

 

Excellent post FS. One thing I'll challenge you to OP. Revenge. If you don't want to do as FS has suggested then do it. Get your revenge. Do whatever it is you want to do. Just be prepared. If you're going to feel better by taking the revenge be prepared to feel worse by the defense you'll be coming up against. But if you want to do it, do it and stop moping around about it.

 

Let me add when I say take your revenge I am in NO WAY saying any violence towards ANY party!

[frozensprouts]

Let me add when I say take your revenge I am in NO WAY saying any violence towards ANY party!

 

aww...

I was kind of hoping that she'd place the blame for all this where it belongs...on him and then there's be some butt kicking going on...

 

seriously...

 

you are right...the OP can either let her hurt and anger fester and slowly poison her until she becomes someone she doesn't even know anymore, or she can begin to let it go...if she feels revenge is in order, then I'd highly recommend the idea of living well and being happy...but if that isn't enough, then perhaps she should seek some counseling if for no other reason than to have someone impartial who will listen to her and help her through this to a better place where she can be happy

[MourningLosses]

Obviously he was my primary relationship. I wasn't sleeping with my husband except on rare occasions and some of the time we werent even living together. I thought I was his too. I thought he couldn't have sex with his wife because he was not attracted to her and didn't want to because he promised me he wouldn't. That promise is why I felt so bad when I had to sleep with my husband. I would apologize to my friend. He said he understood. Now I know (through a mutual colleague) that they had a miscarriage during that time so obviously he didn't have THAT much trouble.

 

I'm angry with both of them they way they've ganged up on me. I agree she must be hurt and that doesn't make me feel better, but she doesn't have to keep him. Or she could just let him be normal to me.

 

Of course I'm angry with him for the lies. But I am forgiving, if he would just tell me like he did when she first discovered, that he still loved me but wasn't sure there was a way for us to be together- id be ok with that. If he would tell me it's over but it meant something. If he would tell me we could be friends. I really dot understand why we can't be friends one day. Why is she so controlling that she can say who is friends are?

 

Yes I was played. But I thought I had gotten him to go far enough, even though he declined the sex, that she'd never forgive him and he had no choice to make. I thought she would be strong enough to throw him out frankly. I didn't. Punt on her being a doormat as well as demanding he cut me off. Or else he's cut me off because he can't bear the loss of me, he has to hate me because his feelings were so deep. Reaction formation I think they call it.

 

I will just have to hope for the best and lie low for a bit. I will try to get some counseling. But I don't think I did anything nearly as bad as he did. He lied to both of us. I really did and do truly love him. There's some honor in that.