My story

[Summer Breeze]

aww...

I was kind of hoping that she'd place the blame for all this where it belongs...on him and then there's be some butt kicking going on...

 

seriously...

 

you are right...the OP can either let her hurt and anger fester and slowly poison her until she becomes someone she doesn't even know anymore, or she can begin to let it go...if she feels revenge is in order, then I'd highly recommend the idea of living well and being happy...but if that isn't enough, then perhaps she should seek some counseling if for no other reason than to have someone impartial who will listen to her and help her through this to a better place where she can be happy

 

Ok. She can kick his a$$ then but that's all the violence allowed!

 

I agree you need help OP. You are in a pit of a mess and it feels like you're drowning. You have a H that deserves more and in fact so do you. Let MM go. Let it die down and see if they stay away from your profession. Get some help. The only things I do advocate are telling your H what's gone on and being on coming clean at work before they do.

[woinlove]

Obviously he was my primary relationship. I wasn't sleeping with my husband except on rare occasions and some of the time we werent even living together. I thought I was his too. I thought he couldn't have sex with his wife because he was not attracted to her and didn't want to because he promised me he wouldn't. That promise is why I felt so bad when I had to sleep with my husband. I would apologize to my friend. He said he understood. Now I know (through a mutual colleague) that they had a miscarriage during that time so obviously he didn't have THAT much trouble.

 

I'm angry with both of them they way they've ganged up on me. I agree she must be hurt and that doesn't make me feel better, but she doesn't have to keep him. Or she could just let him be normal to me.

 

Of course I'm angry with him for the lies. But I am forgiving, if he would just tell me like he did when she first discovered, that he still loved me but wasn't sure there was a way for us to be together- id be ok with that. If he would tell me it's over but it meant something. If he would tell me we could be friends. I really dot understand why we can't be friends one day. Why is she so controlling that she can say who is friends are?

 

Yes I was played. But I thought I had gotten him to go far enough, even though he declined the sex, that she'd never forgive him and he had no choice to make. I thought she would be strong enough to throw him out frankly. I didn't. Punt on her being a doormat as well as demanding he cut me off. Or else he's cut me off because he can't bear the loss of me, he has to hate me because his feelings were so deep. Reaction formation I think they call it.

 

I will just have to hope for the best and lie low for a bit. I will try to get some counseling. But I don't think I did anything nearly as bad as he did. He lied to both of us. I really did and do truly love him. There's some honor in that.

 

ML, this man is a functioning adult, right? He is not a ward of the state of anything, right? That means he is both capable of and responsible for making his own decisions. If he is or is not communicating with you, that is his decision. His W can tell him what she needs or wants, but she cannot force him to do or not do anything. That is up to him. Please stop treating him as if he is not legally an adult.

 

No his wife doesn't have to keep him, and if she were posting here, I'd probably suggest she divorce him unless he was getting the professional help and showing the remorse needed for true and lasting change. But if she wants to keep him and he wants her to keep him, that is their decision to make. You two are NOT friends, as your posts so strongly show. You are obsessed with this man as a romantic interest and you are not being honest with yourself or anyone else to say you want to be friends. You don't want to be friends, you want him to divorce his W and be with you. At least be honest with yourself.

 

Feeling love in itself is neither honorable or dishonorable - it is all in how one behaves and shows love, compassion, kindness, respect, loyalty, honesty, etc. It doesn't make you better to say you felt love. Not sure you can claim more loyalty, just because you apologized after having sex with your H. If you feel you were more honest, that is something, but I believe honesty has to start with oneself and I am not seeing much indication that you are honest with yourself. Something for you to think about. Maybe drop the whole competition of whether you or MM behaved worse and just focus on your own actions and decisions and see if you want to do better or not.

[woinlove]

I thought I had gotten him to go far enough, even though he declined the sex, that she'd never forgive him and he had no choice to make.

 

Is this your idea of loving someone? If you get counselling, you might look into your motivations for physical contact.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

you are mixing up his words with his actions, and only seieng what you want to see.

 

try looking at the situation as if you were an impartial observer...do his actions match his words? Seems they don't. Words are dirt cheap, and can often be spoken with no meaning behind them...

 

Now armed with that knowledge, try pretending your best friend is in your situation...what advice would you give to her ( remember- you are an observer and not inthe situation yourself)...I expect you be telling her everything that's been told to you on here...try being your own 'best friend' and follow that same advice...

it's like a toothache- you can do nothing and the pain lasts and lasts or you can do something which may be very painful at the time but feels sooo much better in the long run...

[frozensprouts]

ML, I've read your story now and I'm sorry you are hurting. Your MM is trying to save his marriage now and doing what he feels is necessary to do so. If you felt his love during your relationship, it was likely there. Now he has shut off his emotions to be able to cut you off and save his marriage.

 

He has made his choice, take a step back, try to regain your emotional balance and live your life as best as you can.

 

((((ML)))))

 

i think it says a lot when almost everyone can look at the situation and agree on it...

[Summer Breeze]

OP I'm still stuck on your H. I see you writing about getting the MM close enough and trying to lure him into a PA so his BS will send him packing. What were you going to do? Were you going to leave your H? If you were then why don't you leave him now. I just don't quite get where you thought this was going to go. I'm all for closure and I think the MM does normally owe an explanation but you've had it. Just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make it invalid.

[alexandria35]

Ok so you think that I have no right to a career now, that falling love should cost me everything.

 

I don't get it. I'm not expecting him to leave her now, maybe not ever. Ok it's over. So why can't he just be professional, why does he exclude me? If he wants me to heal and move on a much better way would have been a nice actual conversation about what happened, that we had something special but it's over. Instead he wrote that he hated me and that *I* apparently took advantage of him when he was depressed! Simply by being nice to him and a friend and telling him I was attracted to him? That makes me some evil predatory seductress?

 

Yes it is over. Every single person here knows it's over. He and his wife knows it's over. The only person who doesn't seem to grasp that it's over is you. I think many MM do pursue their OW relentlessly and then when they get caught they lie and tell their wives that it was the OW doing all the chasing, however based on a few things you have posted here - told him he was attractive and you hoped to have a relationship one day, offered him sex which he declined - it really does seem that you pursued him more than he pursued you. What he said to you must of hurt. Why do you still think he is your soulmate?

 

I hope I can get some counseling where they don't judge me like you do. I was honest about my feelings, even my doubts that I could live with hurting a woman who was a stranger to me. I wasn't sleeping with my husband most of this time and not living with him for some of it. We have our own issues nothing to do with this. I apologized when I had to sleep with my husband, I felt I was betraying our relationship.

 

But ok. I see that everyone judges affairs here. I didn't expect that. Thanks anyway for the opinions.

 

I don't think people are judging your affair on this thread. I think they are trying to get you to understand that because you had an affair with this man, a normal friendship with him will never be possible. Especially based on your ongoing posts about your hoping he will still leave her and your delusional beliefs about him really wanting you and her controlling him. You still want him. He wants his marriage, your greatest hope is that his marriage will end. This means you are not a friend to him and you don't have his best interest at heart. If you care about your career, then leave him alone. If you manage to go the next year or so without trying to talk to him at all, you might get somewhat back to normal at work, where you won't be excluded from work related get togethers.

[truthbetold]

Obviously he was my primary relationship. I wasn't sleeping with my husband except on rare occasions and some of the time we werent even living together. I thought I was his too. I thought he couldn't have sex with his wife because he was not attracted to her and didn't want to because he promised me he wouldn't. That promise is why I felt so bad when I had to sleep with my husband. I would apologize to my friend. He said he understood. Now I know (through a mutual colleague) that they had a miscarriage during that time so obviously he didn't have THAT much trouble.

 

I'm angry with both of them they way they've ganged up on me. I agree she must be hurt and that doesn't make me feel better, but she doesn't have to keep him. Or she could just let him be normal to me.

 

Of course I'm angry with him for the lies. But I am forgiving, if he would just tell me like he did when she first discovered, that he still loved me but wasn't sure there was a way for us to be together- id be ok with that. If he would tell me it's over but it meant something. If he would tell me we could be friends. I really dot understand why we can't be friends one day. Why is she so controlling that she can say who is friends are?

 

Yes I was played. But I thought I had gotten him to go far enough, even though he declined the sex, that she'd never forgive him and he had no choice to make. I thought she would be strong enough to throw him out frankly. I didn't. Punt on her being a doormat as well as demanding he cut me off. Or else he's cut me off because he can't bear the loss of me, he has to hate me because his feelings were so deep. Reaction formation I think they call it.

 

I will just have to hope for the best and lie low for a bit. I will try to get some counseling. But I don't think I did anything nearly as bad as he did. He lied to both of us. I really did and do truly love him. There's some honor in that.

 

I seriously hope this is all a put on. Too much weirdness for one person. But in case you are real and these are your feelings. This shows right here that you did indeed manipulate and try to seduce him. That's why he'll NEVER be your friend. NEVER. Because he knows you're off your rocker and are lying in wait for him. So he's NEVER going to let that happen. If you keep harrassing him, YOU'RE responsible for the destruction of your career. Not them. There is zero honor in what you did. Keep it up expect a RO and blame yourself when you do.

 

You know if you're real you need to grow up. I will say I hope you learn a lesson to have some human compassion, however that needs to come about. And if your career is destroyed it's your fault for not letting go. And I do feel very very sorry and sad for you. What a sad little life you must live if this is all true, turning yourself into a doormat and throwing yourself on someone that has told you to leave them alone.

[MourningLosses]

She isn't the one displaying doormat behavior.

 

How am I being a doormat? I know he lives me and Trinity is right- he is "shutting down" those feelings but you can't do that. They just resurface. You can bury them really deep but they lurk there, washing over you if you think about it. That's why I say we are part of each other forever.

[MissBee]

Obviously he was my primary relationship. I wasn't sleeping with my husband except on rare occasions and some of the time we werent even living together. I thought I was his too. I thought he couldn't have sex with his wife because he was not attracted to her and didn't want to because he promised me he wouldn't. That promise is why I felt so bad when I had to sleep with my husband. I would apologize to my friend. He said he understood. Now I know (through a mutual colleague) that they had a miscarriage during that time so obviously he didn't have THAT much trouble.

 

I'm angry with both of them they way they've ganged up on me. I agree she must be hurt and that doesn't make me feel better, but she doesn't have to keep him. Or she could just let him be normal to me.

What?? What does her "keeping" him have to do with anything? In any case, when you get involved with a MM, sometimes that's what happens. He leaves you by yourself and reconciles with his wife. She isn't "letting" him do or not do anything...he is choosing to do it.

 

Of course I'm angry with him for the lies. But I am forgiving, if he would just tell me like he did when she first discovered, that he still loved me but wasn't sure there was a way for us to be together- id be ok with that. If he would tell me it's over but it meant something. If he would tell me we could be friends. I really dot understand why we can't be friends one day. Why is she so controlling that she can say who is friends are?

 

If MM was your husband and had cheated on you with an OW...would you want him to remain "friends" with this woman? What I don't understand is why do you need him to be your friend? Don't you have other friends? I do understand the hurt and wanting to cling to someone post breakup, even as a friend...but often times you have to let go and when you do, you realize that you don't really need them to be your friend at all. His wife isn't the one controlling him. I get it makes you feel better to think that...but honestly, he is choosing this. Yet you refuse to believe it and continue to think he is a puppet being controlled. Mourning...welcome to heartbreak. Sometimes, especially in As, a MM may promise you the world and then leave you high and dry. He is not required to be your friend, his wife isn't required to accept a "friendship", he isn't required to have meant anything he said to you in the A etc. You must come to terms with this, be angry about him and his lies and use it to move on.

 

Yes I was played. But I thought I had gotten him to go far enough, even though he declined the sex, that she'd never forgive him and he had no choice to make. I thought she would be strong enough to throw him out frankly. I didn't. Punt on her being a doormat as well as demanding he cut me off. Or else he's cut me off because he can't bear the loss of me, he has to hate me because his feelings were so deep. Reaction formation I think they call it.

 

So basically you were tying to play a game and trying to "win" and trying to get him to leave her. You basically wanted her to be strong enough to kick him out so that you could have him? Wow. As for the rest of your thoughts about he's cut you off because he can't bear the loss of you?? LOL okay I don't mean to laugh but this is a bit insane. It's like you cannot wrap your head around the fact that this may very well be the reality...like it is for so many others, that the MM had fun and frolic but in the end plans to stay married and will discard the OW to keep their M going.

 

 

I will just have to hope for the best and lie low for a bit. I will try to get some counseling. But I don't think I did anything nearly as bad as he did. He lied to both of us. I really did and do truly love him. There's some honor in that.

 

I agree with the counseling. The quicker the better. It may help you greatly.

 

Responses bolded.

[MourningLosses]

Pierre why can't we be friends? What research? I see a lot of posts here and elsewhere telling BSs to insist on no contact, to be their husbands warden. I don't see anyone saying that I can't be friends if we want to be. And I'm sure he wants to be. Just she has made this demand. Maybe she even threatened to destroy my career and he's staying with her partly to protect me from her.

 

I don't doubt he wants to save his marriage, he loves his children and he cares about her as a friend. He told me divorce would destroy her. He probably can't bring himself to do that and it only makes me love him more that he is so caring for others.

 

 

You are worse than a high schooler!

 

He did not sleep with you because he only wanted an emotional connection and because he STILL LOVES HIS WIFE! Is that so hard to understand?

 

You expect MM to leave his pregnant wife, but YOU are still with your H. When are you leaving your H? Why are you still with your H? Why do you have sex with your H? Why do you lie to your H? If you want to keep the affair a secret it seems that you actually want to keep your H.

 

Love is just a change in brain chemistry. In that regard there is nothing special about you. You need to change your field of study. Despite being a university student you know NOTHING about how humans mate.

 

Yes it's a change in my brain and I can't help it! Nor can he! I think he just felt nervous about sleeping with me. We touched sexually but he was worried about performing as he was on antidepressants.

 

Yes I am naive. I believe in love and romance. That doesn't make me a high schooler. I believe he does love her, but is not in love with her. He loves who she used to be. He didn't know she would be so hard to live with. I do understand human mating. He is so bonded to his children he must have a very long vasopressin gene, and we definitely bonded.

 

I would have left my H for him. I was on the point of doing it when he dumped me, I would have given up everything. I might have ruined my career as his wife probably would have made a scandal. I am financially dependent on my husband and we get along as coparents and friends. He isn't being hurt because he doesn't know and we were apart for most of the time I was in this relationship.

[whichwayisup]

How am I being a doormat? I know he lives me and Trinity is right- he is "shutting down" those feelings but you can't do that. They just resurface. You can bury them really deep but they lurk there, washing over you if you think about it. That's why I say we are part of each other forever.

 

It seems like what he shares with his wife is stronger, and they have history together, a life built, friends, a house, kids (suffered together a miscarriage, that bonds them even more) - That glue that holds it all together is stronger than what you shared with him. Sorry to be blunt, but you really need to put things in perspective. Maybe he is your 'everything' but you weren't his. Sure, be upset, be pissed off, be hurt but don't direct that at his wife, this is ALL him. He's made his choice and sadly for you, it wasn't you.

 

Please do your best to let go. He isn't yours..He never was.

 

I 100% agree with trinity's post. As does everybody else. What she said to you is bang on, so PLEASE listen to her!!!

[MissBee]

Pierre why can't we be friends? What research? I see a lot of posts here and elsewhere telling BSs to insist on no contact, to be their husbands warden. I don't see anyone saying that I can't be friends if we want to be. And I'm sure he wants to be. Just she has made this demand. Maybe she even threatened to destroy my career and he's staying with her partly to protect me from her.

Wow...do you have friends Mourning? Do you have parents? Do you go to church? Do you have anybody in real life you've told this story? If not, please confide in them and hear what they have to say. When will you make your counseling appointment?

 

I don't doubt he wants to save his marriage, he loves his children and he cares about her as a friend. He told me divorce would destroy her. He probably can't bring himself to do that and it only makes me love him more that he is so caring for others.

Well good luck with your continued love for him as he continues to stay with his wife and family. Love him from afar.

 

 

Yes it's a change in my brain and I can't help it! Nor can he! I think he just felt nervous about sleeping with me. We touched sexually but he was worried about performing as he was on antidepressants.

Well he managed to help it to a greater degree than you it seems...

 

Yes I am naive. I believe in love and romance. That doesn't make me a high schooler. I believe he does love her, but is not in love with her. He loves who she used to be. He didn't know she would be so hard to live with. I do understand human mating. He is so bonded to his children he must have a very long vasopressin gene, and we definitely bonded.

 

 

I would have left my H for him. I was on the point of doing it when he dumped me, I would have given up everything. I might have ruined my career as his wife probably would have made a scandal. I am financially dependent on my husband and we get along as coparents and friends. He isn't being hurt because he doesn't know and we were apart for most of the time I was in this relationship.

So if you can't be with MM you're going to continue being with your H? Do you plan to leave him at some point?

 

See bold above.

[MourningLosses]

MissBee thank you for being kinder at least than most.

 

I honestly just wanted him I gently explain, to tell me what happened, what did I do that he went so suddenly. Why couldn't he do that? It would go so far towards healing my emotional wounds. Because he didn't do that I'm left with either it was all lies like he said in his cruel email and he's psychotic or she's controlling him and it really did mean something.

 

If we are never to speak again I don't know how to bear that. I don't think you realize how close we were, how much he gave of himself and how much he betrayed her to me. Not unkindly, he was defensive of her but he told me a lot about her I'm sure she wouldn't want me to know. About how his family said they cared about my welfare too and said she was not well suited to him. I don't believe those things were made up. I could see it in his eyes.

[truthbetold]

MissBee thank you for being kinder at least than most.

 

I honestly just wanted him I gently explain, to tell me what happened, what did I do that he went so suddenly. Why couldn't he do that? It would go so far towards healing my emotional wounds. Because he didn't do that I'm left with either it was all lies like he said in his cruel email and he's psychotic or she's controlling him and it really did mean something.

 

If we are never to speak again I don't know how to bear that. I don't think you realize how close we were, how much he gave of himself and how much he betrayed her to me. Not unkindly, he was defensive of her but he told me a lot about her I'm sure she wouldn't want me to know. About how his family said they cared about my welfare too and said she was not well suited to him. I don't believe those things were made up. I could see it in his eyes.

 

And that is horrible of him to do that. How did you think that was cool or just friendly to listen to that, having that gut feeling, "uh,oh she wouldn't like this". No, you got off on it, plotted how you were going to "win" him and it backfired. That's why you are just as culpable to the mess. You had very inappropriate boundaries, you should learn from that instead of continuing on a self destructive path.

 

He wants nothing to do with you. Not sure you're going to get though until you do get a RO. Course you'll probably have some other magical reason on why. That he's just so scared of your love or likely it was all her doing. Wonder what it will really take for you to get that his priority is his W. How many years are you willing to waste on this?

[MourningLosses]

Look I realize I'm trapped by my feelins and somehow need to heal from this. But how about it was all real, he did love me, he's just in denial to cope so he can stay and not destroy his wife who I always knew he cared for deeply? Why can't he just admit that? Why does he have to rewrite it like I seduced him?

 

He kept staring at my breasts for a year and I tried to ignore it. In te end I told him he was a sexist pig (real seductive!) and just didn't believe it because he didn't know himself. He argued, but eventually accepted that he had a problem where he looked at women a lot. And admitted he was also attracted to me. It was such a dopamine high that we talked for 13 hours!

 

I know what it was like and I lived it- no one wanted to hurt anyone, we just wanted to be happy! I can't believe he lied when he was with me. I can't believe it wasn't real. I can only hope one day he realizes his own deep feelings and finds a way to express them because he will go crazy just being in denial. He now says I sought this and calls me a former

Mistress (I never slept with him!) and says his wife hashes fled heartbreak with grace where I have only had "disappointment". He calls me delusional and self obsessed and self righteous. But I'm not the one in denial. I know happened and I will cherish the special parts forever.

 

It's true I would want him in my life somehow. But if that's not to be I want him to explain gently why and what happened and for me to know he is ok and happy with his wife, but also that he acknowledges what we had.

[MissBee]

MissBee thank you for being kinder at least than most.

 

I honestly just wanted him I gently explain, to tell me what happened, what did I do that he went so suddenly. Why couldn't he do that? It would go so far towards healing my emotional wounds. Because he didn't do that I'm left with either it was all lies like he said in his cruel email and he's psychotic or she's controlling him and it really did mean something.

 

I understand the feeling. No one wants to be discarded. We all would prefer if someone decides to not be with us, they'd sit down and explain it gently; yet it doesn't often happen. Affairs are a prime example of this. People claiming they no longer want to be with their spouse and instead of saying so, they cheat; yet, it's even more complicated, because often these people STILL want to be married to their spouse. I understand the cliff hanger feeling and the grasping at any answer, especially ones that make you feel better (like the wife is forcing him etc.) but you can run yourself into the ground worrying about that. I really suggest you check out a site called Baggage Reclaim. It has so many articles on being the OW as well as relationships in general and break ups and men who do things and don't mean them, and can probably shed some light on your feelings. Please Google it and begin reading, as I'm certain you'll find something that answers some of your questions.

 

If we are never to speak again I don't know how to bear that. I don't think you realize how close we were, how much he gave of himself and how much he betrayed her to me. Not unkindly, he was defensive of her but he told me a lot about her I'm sure she wouldn't want me to know. About how his family said they cared about my welfare too and said she was not well suited to him. I don't believe those things were made up. I could see it in his eyes.

I think many of us can understand. People here have been MARRIED and cheated on. That is the ultimate betrayal. You share a life, house, kids, family etc and then that person decides to betray you. I'm not a BS but I've been an OW and I too was very close to my exAP....yet, life goes on. I thought I'd never be able to get over it...I did! What it seems you are hung up on is that no one could ever lie so much, change their minds or share with you and then betray you....but it can and does happen ALL the time! Look around Loveshack, you aren't the first or last OW who shared with the MM then he went back to his wife and ignored her ever after. It sucks, but it is common. You have to realize this Mourning.

 

It is normal to be in denial for a while...but please check out that site so that you can start sobering up to the truth instead of constantly looking for signs that it meant something. Even when it does mean somehting, the point is, a person is free to change their mind. Not everyone we love or feel something for is meant to be in our lives forever. MM may not be meant to be in your life forever.You have to accept his wishes. Regardless of if you think he is being forced or not. You have to let go and let what will be will be...or else drive yourself insane. This is not the end of the world. You lived life before knowing MM and believe it or not, life will persist even after him.

 

What do you plan to do about your H??? It seems in all of this, you have totally ignored the fact that you yourself are married! Did you expect to leap into MM's arms and have him support you? Leaving one's marriage should be done because the marriage is over...not because you have a man in the wings. It's not fair to you or your H. You need to fix your marriage or separate and plan to leave it and make a life for yourself. I suggest this article as a start: Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man - | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

Responses above in bold.

[MissBee]

Look I realize I'm trapped by my feelins and somehow need to heal from this. But how about it was all real, he did love me, he's just in denial to cope so he can stay and not destroy his wife who I always knew he cared for deeply? Why can't he just admit that? Why does he have to rewrite it like I seduced him?

 

He kept staring at my breasts for a year and I tried to ignore it. In te end I told him he was a sexist pig (real seductive!) and just didn't believe it because he didn't know himself. He argued, but eventually accepted that he had a problem where he looked at women a lot. And admitted he was also attracted to me. It was such a dopamine high that we talked for 13 hours!

 

I know what it was like and I lived it- no one wanted to hurt anyone, we just wanted to be happy! I can't believe he lied when he was with me. I can't believe it wasn't real. I can only hope one day he realizes his own deep feelings and finds a way to express them because he will go crazy just being in denial. He now says I sought this and calls me a former

Mistress (I never slept with him!) and says his wife hashes fled heartbreak with grace where I have only had "disappointment". He calls me delusional and self obsessed and self righteous. But I'm not the one in denial. I know happened and I will cherish the special parts forever.

 

It's true I would want him in my life somehow. But if that's not to be I want him to explain gently why and what happened and for me to know he is ok and happy with his wife, but also that he acknowledges what we had.

 

Sexual attraction and deep love are not the same.

 

You can be very attracted to someone and talk to them for hours and have chemistry yet not be deeply inlove with them.

 

None of what you've said, IMO, reads as though he was deeply in love with you.

 

You have to accept that closure has to come from within sometimes as no one is required to explain anything gently. If he never does, you're gonna have to move on somehow or wallow forever.

 

Mourning....if a man calls you delusional, I suggest you heed it. You cannot insist "Yes YOU LOVE me!". Well you can...but it will make you truly seem insane. I'd rather believe a man and have him come back later and admit he was lying than try to insist he loves me when he says he doesn't and calls me delusional. That is very humiliating and I'd use that humiliation to be angry and try to move on. Again I ask, have you any friends or family members you've told this? When will you start counseling? Doesn't your university provide free/reduced cost counseling services? Check it out please.

[MourningLosses]

Thank you MissBee. I will look at the sites. I am not crazy. He's making me feel crazy by telling me that the truth is the opposite of what I know it is.

[jwi71]

I honestly just wanted him I gently explain, to tell me what happened, what did I do that he went so suddenly.

 

ML, we get it. Post after post to you says that. No one blames you for wanting to know how the A went from being "perfect" to being over - as if someone flipped a switch.

 

And someone did in a sense.

 

Your MM did.

 

Why couldn't he do that?

 

He chose not to. Doubtless he has received at least some of your messages and attempts to reach him. Yet he refuses to reply.

 

You will be want to reply or say "His W forced him" - except that's not true.

All his W can do is say "If you do [contact ML], and I find out about it, I'll D your butt so fast it'll make that Bolt guy seem slow".

 

At that point, he has a choice. Accept his W demands and constraints or reject them. At this time, he has accepted her demands. No one is forcing him to accept those demands. He, on his own volition, accepts them.

 

It would go so far towards healing my emotional wounds. Because he didn't do that I'm left with either it was all lies like he said in his cruel email and he's psychotic or she's controlling him and it really did mean something.

 

I would suggest you stop grasping at meanings behind his actions. At least for now. No one can truly guess (and its pure guesswork) at the WHY he chooses one over another. All you, or anyone, can do is look at his choices and what those might possibly mean - not why chooses.

 

He has a choice. Does he mollify YOUR emotional pain or does he work to stabilize his M? ML, he KNOWS you are hurting but chooses to work on the M. It doesn't matter why. What matters is, when it came to choose, he didn't choose the A. He choose the M. The reasoning is equally simple, he fears the loss of the M MORE than the loss of the A.

 

Everything else will just make you crazy.

 

Deep breath...what do his ACTIONS and CHOICES say?

 

If we are never to speak again I don't know how to bear that.

 

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One tear at time.

 

Imperceptibly, over the days then weeks then months, it gets better.

 

I don't think you realize how close we were, how much he gave of himself and how much he betrayed her to me. Not unkindly, he was defensive of her but he told me a lot about her I'm sure she wouldn't want me to know. About how his family said they cared about my welfare too and said she was not well suited to him. I don't believe those things were made up. I could see it in his eyes.

 

As kindly as I can...based on simply what he has chosen, you may be mistaken in your beliefs.

 

Let me ask you a simple question...its a leading one to be sure...

 

When he introduced you to his family, how did he introduce you?

[MissBee]

If the person is saying they don't love you...why try to convince yourself that they're just lying and they do and someone else is forcing them to say they don't? That takes A LOT of emotional energy and mental gymnastics to ignore someone's actions and words and decide they love you, just because it will make you feel better.

 

I suppose delusion is done because it is soothing, but it certainly isn't healthy. if the MM comes back years or months later and says he does love Mourning, fine. But if he has said he doesn't and if he himself says she is delusional, why should people here encourage her to believe he loves her?

[MissBee]

Thank you MissBee. I will look at the sites. I am not crazy. He's making me feel crazy by telling me that the truth is the opposite of what I know it is.

 

What truth is this?

 

Mourning, unfortunately, love cannot be a truth for you if it is not for him. You can only say that you loved him, but you CANNOT insist you know he loves you if he said it isn't so.

 

That's what obsessed people do. They imagine entire fantasies with them and another and then insist when the other says they do not feel a particular way, that they know they do. It is a very disturbing behavior.

 

I am sure you guys had a relationship. If he said you didn't, then maybe he's gaslighting you, but in terms of loving you, he can say he didn't and you cannot say it's not the truth, you aren't him, you don't know how he feels. Did he ever actually say he loved you while in the A?

[truthbetold]

It's true I would want him in my life somehow. But if that's not to be I want him to explain gently why and what happened and for me to know he is ok and happy with his wife, but also that he acknowledges what we had.

 

Well it's good you are at least open to the idea he's not going to be in your life. The thing you should also come to terms with, is he doesn't have to give an explanation. He just doesn't. Even people that are "owed" explanations don't always get them.

 

You can control you, but you cannot control others. You can't control what they think of you, or how you want them to act or what memories you want them to have. If rewriting (if that's what he did) history with you is how he has to rebuild his marriage, that's HIS choice. You don't get a say.

 

Life is messy. Sometimes people are mean with no reason. Sometimes things just don't make sense. But you have to accept it if you're going to move on and be healthy. Otherwise you're going to stay stuck in the past. The past is over. Living in it means you're missing your "now".

 

You seriously need to accept that you just may never get those answers (I'd say pretty likely given his responses to you) You can't pick and choose of what he says you want to believe. Believe the actions, they match the words he wants nothing to do with you. When he said he loved you, he didn't match that with actions. There's no puzzle here, you're complicating it to your detriment.

 

Life doesn't always give us our answers all tied up in pretty bows. Sometimes people do things that don't match how we would handle that. But it's still their choice and YOU can't change THEM.

[MourningLosses]

For the record I would never harm anyone. I am scared of his wife. She is obviously highly emotional and she has friends who work with me, some I know she has told (thankfully they are still professional to me).

 

Back when he was ignoring me but before he told me he was breaking up with me- I got a lot of strange calls where they would hang up if I answered. I am sure they were his wife as she was very insecure then. I understand that. Now she is secure because he stayed. All I'm saying is she should be secure and not have to be vindictive to me.

 

I don't know what a bunny boiler is but I'm assuming it's some kind of crazy dangerous person? I am not! Ive never harmed anyone. I just want to know the truth face to face from him without her standing over him. I know she has a lot of power over him because he cares about her. I always knew that. I admire that he cares about her even though she had made his life hard and his marriage unfulfilling. I just want her to let him be himself and tell me so himself.

[truthbetold]

For the record I would never harm anyone. I am scared of his wife. She is obviously highly emotional and she has friends who work with me, some I know she has told (thankfully they are still professional to me).

 

Back when he was ignoring me but before he told me he was breaking up with me- I got a lot of strange calls where they would hang up if I answered. I am sure they were his wife as she was very insecure then. I understand that. Now she is secure because he stayed. All I'm saying is she should be secure and not have to be vindictive to me.

 

I don't know what a bunny boiler is but I'm assuming it's some kind of crazy dangerous person? I am not! Ive never harmed anyone. I just want to know the truth face to face from him without her standing over him. I know she has a lot of power over him because he cares about her. I always knew that. I admire that he cares about her even though she had made his life hard and his marriage unfulfilling. I just want her to let him be himself and tell me so himself.

 

And this is why you are being encouraged to NOT trust your perception of what happened. What he has told you about leaving him alone lines up with his actions (icing you out) why can't you accept that and move on? Sometimes affairs are just a bad period that some MP's just want to forget and your MM sounds like he's definitately in that catagory. It's extremely unhealthy for you to hold on to a "someday" he will come. It will prevent you from moving on and it's going to gain you a RO. If you can come off sounding this unhinged to a group of strangers and (delusional not said to hurt but to make a point) he has said the SAME THING what seriously does that tell you?

 

We don't know you except for words you type. He does. Both sets have the same interpretation. It meant more to you than to him.