whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 We thought meeting each others family would bring some reality into our dopamine laden brains. That's why we introduced the children. I was reluctant to meet his newborn but he insisted. The older kids just loved each other. They could have told their mother, they're old enough. We didn't ask them not to. It was just chance that they never did. Fate if you like. It wasn't by chance..They were manipulated because of how the situation played out. They didn't want anybody upset with them so they kept their mouths shut. You two didn't tell them NOT tell, but they certainly knew you two didn't want them to..They ain't stupid. This truly is an awful..And I feel for ALL the kids involved as they had no choice and this was forced upon them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Point is we never lied to the kids but no we didn't say we were planning to live together. Obviously. Omitting is lying. Just in a different form. What age range are the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 No, of course not MissBee. We just told them we were friends. The first time I actually invited the whole family, her included. But she was 3 days out of hospital after the birth so obviously she wasn't going to go. She wasn't pleased but she didn't like to deny the older kids a playtime away from the new baby. So she let him go. But he said after that we couldn't do it like that so we used to take the kids after school to the park or something. She was either home with the baby or had gone back to work. Point is we never lied to the kids but no we didn't say we were planning to live together. Obviously. Well that's the point...why would they tell their mom. They simply assumed you were their dad's friend and probably their mom's friend too. I'm sorry but this whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I can't believe he did that. One thing I have ZERO tolerance for is involving my kids in your mess.I can overlook a lot and don't care if people do things to me, but I know when I'm a mom, my tolerance will be ZERO for people involving themselves with my kids smh. I would be SO FURIOUS at MM if he did that. Have your affair, do what you do, but leave my kids out of it! And I'm sorry ML....but clearly neither you or he were thinking and fate had nothing to do with it. Aren't you a mom? How would you feel if your husband was bringing your kids to meet his OW behind your back??? You two were NOT an open couple...so why would you think it appropriate to meet the kids? How was that going to "help". Well it obviously didn't... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 The kids all range between 5 and 8, then the baby who is 2 now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 We thought it would help if they were to have more to do with other eventually, of course. But also we loved each other and we wanted our kids to love each other too. They're his kids too. Why shouldn't He introduce them to his friends? Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 No, of course not MissBee. We just told them we were friends. The first time I actually invited the whole family, her included. But she was 3 days out of hospital after the birth so obviously she wasn't going to go. She wasn't pleased but she didn't like to deny the older kids a playtime away from the new baby. So she let him go. But he said after that we couldn't do it like that so we used to take the kids after school to the park or something. She was either home with the baby or had gone back to work. Point is we never lied to the kids but no we didn't say we were planning to live together. Obviously. You invited his wife to come and play happy family with her husband's mistress? Um, yeah. With that, my spidey senses tell me this is complete fiction or that you are a complete sociopath. Which is it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You invited his wife to come and play happy family with her husband's mistress? Um, yeah. With that, my spidey senses tell me this is complete fiction or that you are a complete sociopath. Which is it? There's a lot not adding up in all this... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 OK, here's how it's going to go. I'm taking some of my valuable time this evening to read this thread and Duck Soup's e-mail to wife thread and am editing them and infracting per my interpretation of community guidelines, due to voluminous reports on both threads. Any public or private challenges of moderation, any nastygrams at all, will result in the full, permanent and complete excision of that member from LoveShack. I'm getting the sense that people don't respect authority around here and that's going to end, one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 We thought it would help if they were to have more to do with other eventually, of course. But also we loved each other and we wanted our kids to love each other too. They're his kids too. Why shouldn't He introduce them to his friends? Umm because you were not his frien ML...you were his OW! Why should he introduce them to his OW behind their mom's back????? Say you and MM had gotten into a real relationship right. Then you had a child together plus your current kids, then he gets into an A with another woman, and takes all your kids to meet her behind your back. How would you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I am NOT some psycho, whee you may think. I thought if I met her it might help us get over it, or help me make her real. But I guess I mostly thought she wouldn't come, she had had a baby that week. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 The kids all range between 5 and 8, then the baby who is 2 now. That's so young. My concern is, when they figure things out, things will get even worse. Resentments could build up and they could remember stuff that seemed innocent back then but really wasn't. ML, just be careful. This all could blow up and end badly. So many little hearts broken and families torn apart. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 We thought it would help if they were to have more to do with other eventually, of course. But also we loved each other and we wanted our kids to love each other too. They're his kids too. Why shouldn't He introduce them to his friends? The thing is that neither you or him can see is, you two manipulated the situation under false pretenses and allowed all the young ones to believe something when in fact it's not. They will feel betrayed by you both one day because of how this all went down/happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I don't understand what I did? Why is there a moderator saying there's some big problem? I don't want anyone to think I reported any posts. I understand that anonymity brings candor. That's what I value here. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 It's irrelevant who reported this thread. It's been reported and I'm reviewing it. Suffice to say it was many posters, some not even participating, and the thread starter was not amongst them. That's telling. Thread starter, you get a pass because you're new here. Continue with your specific issue and leave the moderation to moderators. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I don't understand what I did? Why is there a moderator saying there's some big problem? I don't want anyone to think I reported any posts. I understand that anonymity brings candor. That's what I value here. You didn't do anything wrong. I haven't read all the responses on your thread but someone may have alerted the mods that some replies on your thread by others were against TOS, that's all. Harsh advice and reality advice is one thing, being rude and outright mean to someone is another. As you know, I can be harsh at times and give some ass kicking, but I do with care..Just ask Mount! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 That's so young. My concern is, when they figure things out, things will get even worse. Resentments could build up and they could remember stuff that seemed innocent back then but really wasn't. ML, just be careful. This all could blow up and end badly. So many little hearts broken and families torn apart. The relationship is already over though is the thing.... So the only thing ML needs to be careful of is further contact with the family. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I am NOT some psycho, whee you may think. I thought if I met her it might help us get over it, or help me make her real. But I guess I mostly thought she wouldn't come, she had had a baby that week. I think you're not ready to see other sides and angles of your situation. If it's possible, take a big step back and try to be a bit more objective. Maybe you'll see some of what you've done, how this all has been handled is not so healthy.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 The relationship is already over though is the thing.... So the only thing ML needs to be careful of is further contact with the family. I know but I am concerned that she isn't believing this. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I don't understand what I did? Why is there a moderator saying there's some big problem? I don't want anyone to think I reported any posts. I understand that anonymity brings candor. That's what I value here. Don't worry about it ML, I don't think any of your posts are going to be moderated. You haven't been disrespectful to anyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 That's so young. My concern is, when they figure things out, things will get even worse. Resentments could build up and they could remember stuff that seemed innocent back then but really wasn't. ML, just be careful. This all could blow up and end badly. So many little hearts broken and families torn apart. The 2 5 year olds (his and mine) were the most involved. The 8 year old only came once because he was always at sports after school. My child has already forgotten and doesn't recognize them in photos anymore (which makes me sad). So I guess it's probably the same for his kids. He was the one who wanted me to hold the baby, I didn't look for that. He gave his wife a break so she could get her hair done (about 8 weeks after the birth snd again about a month later) and brought the baby over to my place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 This is so disturbing on so many levels. You don't get that it was WRONG to pretend to his wife that you were just a friend, not someone in love with her spouse? You didn't see it was WRONG to do all this? I wish I hadn't had to do that but what else could I have done? Sacrificed both of our happiness so as could be less miserable? Or tell her upfront and hurt her more? He isn't into you anymore. Why can you not accept that? If you need to believe he loved you, that's fine. But he doesn't anymore. His wife isn't making him do anything - just like she didn't MAKE HIM be faithful. I don't understand how he could go from saying constantly that he loved me, wanted me in his life, wanted me totally and everything else was just history...to not loving me in fact to saying he hates me. In what I read on here many women have good cause to turn round on their MM and suddenly hate them for stringing them along...but they don't, they take months and years to heal. So how could he do that? Suddenly go from total love to no contact to telling me it's over to telling me he hates me? Is he psychotic? I mean how do you do that? Flick a switch on your emotions? YOU would not be 'sharing' any children civilly. He and her are the parents - you are not a part of that - even if you and he ever were to have a relationship. You don't get to decide anything in that. But since the affair is over, it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter the games you and he played with the children or the wife. It doesn't matter that YOU believe she was hurting her kids (and how you can even say that when YOU were the one having an affair which would HURT their kids.). I just cannot believe you can't get this. Stop blaming HIS WIFE for everything. Look at yourself and HIM. She didn't cause him to stop 'loving' you. I don't think he ever did love you. He liked that you were needy, clingy and desperate for attention/love. He liked that you gave him such an ego boost. He liked that you were into him. BUT, then you started becoming too needy, too desperate and contacted his BROTHER! WHO does that??????? How else could I find out if he was ok? I was so anxious. I had no way of contacting him otherwise! I was supposed to just let him disappear without explanation? How would you do that to someone you love? Seriously? You invited his wife to your home, all the while you were 'in love' with him? ML, seriously, you have got to STOP. You have to stop obsessing about him, obsessing about him telling you IN PERSON he doesn't care about you. Your behavior is probably causing him to look into getting a restraining order on you. As an outsider looking in, your behavior beyond obsessed and your behavior is very unsettling. But if he doesn't tell me in person how do I believe it's really him? He took it back once and said she just made him say it was over but he still loved mr, she was so upset finding out he was afraid not to say he had ended it. STOP blaming his wife. SHE didn't make him do anything. You do realize no person can MAKE another person do something, especially if they don't want to. If he loved you like you claim, his wife can't MAKE HIM stop loving you. She couldn't even STOP a divorce...but he has/had no intentions of ever divorcing anyway.... IMHO. Please, get yourself some professional help before your entire future is ruined. I just want my life back. And that means my career and his contributions to that. Am I to have no job, no family, and be destitute to pay for her revenge? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I am on the wait list for counselling at the college. I can't afford it otherwise but I get it for free as part of my insurance here, no copay. They said it could be a month or a few weeks before an appointment comes up. Otherwise I have an appointment in 6 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Everyone here posts how hard no contact is and that's when you had a choice! For me he went no contact with no warning! And had never explained what happened, only said mean horrible lies about me. He was so caring and gentle, that's why I can't believe it's really him. Not unless he's very very unhealthy and then I can't see anyone else able to help him and I'm afraid for him. Why is that hard to understand? Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 OP... you really , really , really need to take a step back and look at this with a little bit of objectivity... you keep saying how much you love him...but if you love him , why are you ignoring his wishes? It almost seems as if your desperation is more related to your need for him to validate your feelings. Look at it this way...if he told you today that he loved you but that didn't change that he was staying with his wife and that he never wanted to talk to you again, would that really change anything? It may prove something to you, you'd be 'right", but the relationship would still be over. Nothing would really have changed at all. I know it hurts to accept it, but it really sounds as if you are having a lot of trouble separating his words from his actions. To be quite honest, it sounds like he was a jerk to both you and his wife. I know that right now you view his wife as your enemy, but if you can see past that for just a second, you may well see a glimpse of how he chooses to treat the women he says he loves. He was probably tellong her that he loved her, etc. ( lest she suspect something) just like he was telling you that same thing. What does that tell you abut him? That he was honest? I suppose you'll likely turn it around and say that he had to act the way he did to her and tell her things like that so she wouldn't suspect anything, but more than likely he was being just as hones with her as he was with you....think about that for a minute and what it shows you his words mean... I know you are finding it hard to let go, but you are way to fixated on this whole thing...it's like you built it up into this huge thing that it never really was, and now you are torturing yourself over it...why are you doing this to yourself? i know it's hard when a relationship ends, but you are exacerbating it by choosing to not let go. All this harm to your career is happening because you keep insisting on trying to contact him, and to be blunt, pretty much anyone on the outside looking in may well think that you are losing control of yourself here. If you'd just let it drop and start trying to heal, things would be so much better for you...yet you insist on dragging it out and then blame anyone and everyone else for the fallout of choices you made. If you'd at least try to accept, hard as it may be, that he is gone and you may never get the "closure' you want ( I don't think there's any "closure" that you would accept other than him divorcing his wife to be with you) the things will be so much easier for him. Besides, no one can really give you "closure' anyway...it's it's a gift that you give to yourself...and part of that is accepting that you may never get the answers you are looking for, and that you have to let that go...otherwise, you'll spend your life in a very bad and bitter place, unable to move on. Is that what you want for yourself? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Everyone here posts how hard no contact is and that's when you had a choice! For me he went no contact with no warning! And had never explained what happened, only said mean horrible lies about me. He was so caring and gentle, that's why I can't believe it's really him. Not unless he's very very unhealthy and then I can't see anyone else able to help him and I'm afraid for him. Why is that hard to understand? what lies has he told about you? if he's told lies that you "seduced" him...well, that's not true...you are both "big boy and girl' and made your choices...but seeing you that way may help him avoid taking responsibility for what happened if he's telling people that you were in an affair but now it's over and you won't leave him alone...that is true if she's telling people that you are an ( expletive deleted) who seduced her husband, that's not true either, but from her point of view, it may be easier to feel that way for a bit while she begins to heal from all of this if she tells people that you had a part in hurting her, that you both lied to her, that you are obsessed and won't leave them alone....from her (and his) point of view, she is right Link to post Share on other sites
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