Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 The thing is- and I may be baring my soul here- I know if I had not tried to win him the relationship would never have happened. He was loyal to her despite being unhappy. I was the one who made him face the elephant in the room- our mutual attraction. He wouldn't admit it for ages. And then we agreed nothing could happen. But deep down I knew then that I was so in love with him I couldn't hold back. If I hadn't needed to know he felt the same, if I hadn't talked and talked insisting how he looked at me until I convinced him- he would never have chased me. And deep down I wish he had. I wanted to be pursued not pursuer. He was kind of clueless at first about how to compliment a woman. I felt sorry for his wife. I had to tell him I liked being called sexy and beautiful. I guess I wonder at some level if it was just my body he liked. I'm used to that. I wanted him to love ME not just my breasts or legs. Because I didn't wait for him to pursue me, because I knew that wouldn't happen, now I'll never know the truth. Did he love me? Was it just my body? I know we had this massive intellectual connection but would he lie to his wife for that? Or was it just my body? And if my body then why wouldn't he have sex? We talked about it, we planned it, we had text sex more than I can count. But when we were in the hotel room he just wanted to lie with me and talk. I don't even know what I want the answers to be. I just know I need to make sense of it. And he holds the key. If he did really love me the. I know he could live me again. If he didn't ten I don't know him- and that scares me! Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 If he did really love me the. I know he could live me again. If he didn't ten I don't know him- and that scares me! Mourning, I know it's really hard and painful to accept, but it sounds as if you really didn't know him very well. It sounds like he liked you as a friend, but you wanted more. He rebuffed that ( and really, maybe he should have just walked away from the whole thing knowing how you felt...that you wanted more than friendship), but didn't end contact with you. You kept pushing things, and it sounds like he may have been having some difficulties ( depression, a pregnant wife/new baby at home) and either out of weakness or stupidity, he finally gave in. You see that a lot on here, but often it's the woman who feels pressured and the man who's doing the pressuring. Why does the fact that you didn't really know him as well as you thought scare you so much? Is it that it makes you question your judgement of people or is there some other reason? Perhaps instead of getting bogged down in wondering about what he's thinking, would it be better to focus in yourself and what you are thinking, and why? If you take what he says at face value ( and you take everything else that ye said that you wanted to hear as truth...why would the one thing you don't want to hear be a lie?), that he doesn't want anymore to do with you, then instead of hiding from it, why not face it and stop being afraid? Look at it this way...you screwed up...lots of people have- it's part of what makes us human. But you have choices about how you can handle it...you can either own it, learn from it and move on towards real happiness that's built on truths in your life, or you can let it own you and be sad and never move on. Which do you want? You have the power to find happiness in your life, but it won't be with him. Take back your power, learn from this and begin to feel better again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I seriously hope that whatever needs to happen so that you don't work in any proximity to this man ever again, does happen. Even if that means you need to find a different "career." Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I didn't make him say he loved me! That came later and he said it freely. I never asked him to leave his wife, never thought it possible, but he said he wanted to. He said I made him happier than he'd ever been and we talked about our future together being intellectual partners and sharing everything. He was quite confusing because he would sometimes back away and say he wanted to be in his own little corner, that maybe he was better without either of us. Other times he would say he feared he would leave her but I wouldn't leave my husband and he'd be left alone. They can't both be true and I wax trying to understand when he went silent. He never ever suggested he might love her fully and not love me and really fix his marriage. I was the one who said he should try that because a child was being born. He gave up on it within a few weeks. I am not some kind of psycho! I just want to understand and make sense of my life. I need that to heal my wounds. I don't know now if I should hate him because it was all lies or love him still because although it can't be, it was real for us. I don't know which loss I have suffered. And maybe it's neither and if I just wait, or I could explain or if we could understand each other maybe it's not over. In any case I want us to be friends if nothing else. And professionally I just can't be an academic in this city and not be on speaking terms with him. It's impossible. People will ask why and I will be excluded from key things I need to attend and my colleagues know that and will raise eyebrows when I don't go. I don't see why I should be forced out of my hometown. I grew up here as did my husband. Our parents are here who want to be close to their grandchild. We want stability, family and schools and work. Why should my family not be considered? I begged his brother to understand, to have compassion for my family not just for his jealous wife who wants me gone and I think tried to stop me getting this job. I need to protect my family from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I seriously hope that whatever needs to happen so that you don't work in any proximity to this man ever again, does happen. Even if that means you need to find a different "career." I can't. Academia isn't like that. I work at a different school but in the same city and of course many many things professionally will include both of us. I cannot just resign. I need to support my family and I have no other job offers. He wanted me to take a job far away, no doubt so he didn't have to placate his wife, but I had no other offers. I am going to see him at seminars and conferences, that's why I think we need to be adults about this and just act like it didn't happen. I am *sure* that's what he would do - he's very conflict avoidant- if it wasn't that his wife is hysterical about me being in the same city. She doesn't trust him with me I'm sure. But I am not responsible for all the problems in her marriage. Making me go away, making me destitute, isn't going to solve her failed marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Okay...so let's be practical here. You want to be on speaking terms for your professional life and not be forced out of your life. You contact them with a very apologetic email or letter saying how deeply sorry you are and all that, and ask for a meeting with both of them when they are ready to discuss how to handle interaction for professional purposes. You need to convince this woman that you are not interested in her husband, and that you were stupid and regret it and it was a lapse of judgement. Which it was - a very big one! If you want to stay there, get over yourself, forget about him and try to get to being civil so you can continue your work. Doesn't seem fair? It doesn't matter. You need them to stay in your hometown in academia. You choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I have begged him just to be civil to me numerous times. He either doesn't reply or he answers harshly saying he wants no contact. He is being unrealistic because that's what she's demanding. I don't see why I should beg on my knees to her just to have my job. But I have said all along it's the wife behind this. I don't want to meet them together. He will be having to be mean to me to please her and she will be horrible. I can't face them ganged up like that. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I have begged him just to be civil to me numerous times. He either doesn't reply or he answers harshly saying he wants no contact. He is being unrealistic because that's what she's demanding. I don't see why I should beg on my knees to her just to have my job. But I have said all along it's the wife behind this. I don't want to meet them together. He will be having to be mean to me to please her and she will be horrible. I can't face them ganged up like that. You really think that it is his wife that is preventing him from being with you, don't you? You really think that she is forcing him to say things to you. You really think she is forcing him to have no contact with you. I will clue you in to something. No man and I mean no man cuts someone out of their lives unless they want to. You can stick with your beliefs but they are not rooted in reality. He is where he wants to be and is not being "handled" by his wife. Everything you have written points to he didn't want this in the first place, he caved and now feels disgusted with himself and sees you as the cause of his turmoil. That part isn't fair at all and he needs to own up to his crap but I can assure you he feels exactly as I just wrote. He sees you as the enemy, the cause of his problems and furthermore views you as unstable. You contacted his brother for God's sake. What do you think he feels about you now after he told you to go away and you continue to try to get in contact with him? If he had any loving feelings for you at all (regardless of his words as they are cheap), he is now filled with rage towards you. The best thing you can do is give up any hope of dancing in to the sunset. That was never going to happen in the first place. He had no intention of leaving his wife. None. You need to focus on you, your kids and your husband. Every one of them deserve better than a mother/wife who is obsessed with fiction. I don't say to be mean. I want you to see that you are wasting your time and life on something that never was. Lastly, the guy is a Grade A scumbag. Cheats on his pregnant wife, mingles his kids with yours, has you hold his newborn baby while his wife is at home recovering, lies to her, lies to you and once it is all found out he covers his ass from the fallout. Reread what I just wrote and then ask yourself if this is the kind of man worth destroying your own family over? I wouldn't wish that sorry excuse dirt licker on anybody. He is cancer and you need to cut him out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I don't see why I should be forced out of my hometown. I grew up here as did my husband. Our parents are here who want to be close to their grandchild. We want stability, family and schools and work. Why should my family not be considered? I begged his brother to understand, to have compassion for my family not just for his jealous wife who wants me gone and I think tried to stop me getting this job. I need to protect my family from her. The irony here is staggering. I hope you can see that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 ML, if you think MM should be professionally compelled to interact with you, you can try going to the university officials (as you mentioned earlier) and telling them about the situation, the affair, and see what they can do. Otherwise, he is free to not interact with you if that is his choice. This is a very common fallout from a secret affair and something anyone getting involved in an affair with a work colleague needs to keep in mind. If the work situation is such that they can be required to interact with you professionally then that is one thing. If there is no such formal requirement, then often the MP will chose to cut off interaction if they want to focus on their marriage and family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MourningLosses Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I don't say to be mean. I want you to see that you are wasting your time and life on something that never was. Lastly, the guy is a Grade A scumbag. Cheats on his pregnant wife, mingles his kids with yours, has you hold his newborn baby while his wife is at home recovering, lies to her, lies to you and once it is all found out he covers his ass from the fallout. Reread what I just wrote and then ask yourself if this is the kind of man worth destroying your own family over? I wouldn't wish that sorry excuse dirt licker on anybody. He is cancer and you need to cut him out. So why does she still want to be married to him then? Why didn't she kick him out before he he had to be so cruel to me? I only contacted his brother because someone with more objectivity had to see what she was forcing him into - being unprofessional. I could have just reported him for having a relationship with a student. I didn't. I don't want to be forced to destroy him. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Since civil and respectful discussion seems to be a losing proposition, we're done here. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts