My fiancé cheated after 7years

[Socrates84]

Hey every one,

Need some advice. My situation;

I have been with my fiancé for 7 years and last year she cheated on me with another guy, she started going out to clubs and coming home later and later every week, then sometimes she wouldn't come home till the next day. I questioned her and she would say she drank too much and stayed at a friends place, I could feel something was wrong and her phone bills jumped from 60 per month to around $300 per month, (I know this as I pay all the bills and we have a shared account) I always trusted her and let her keep going out with her friends and I knew the friends she was going with, well most of them now I know there was more people. Anyway after 6 months of this going on we would fight weekly about her going out so much it got to a point she would go out every time she had a night off, (hospitality) our fights were about me wanting to spend more time together, I was so in love with her I couldn't see what was happening, I trusted her with all my heart and gave her my heart and soul,and gave everything I was to her.

One day I opened our computer and saw an email account of hers (secret one) open and curiosity got the better of me and I had a quick look and saw some emails from a guy and some photos, there was many emails back and forth and photos of them together kissing hugging and going out, she described me in one email as her ex boyfriend that's he has to live in the same house with because we own a house, and that she loved him. Reading this broke my heart completely and I didn't know what to do but I kept reading. Needless to say they got worse, I left home and stayed with friends about a week later I returned and we talked for a few days I agreed at the time to try and see if we could work things out, things didn't get much better she didn't go outs much and would always come home, but we would still fight ANSI couldn't bear the pain of what she did any longer, I left again and we officially broke up and she gave me the ring back, nearly 3 months later I have returned to try again, as 7 years is a long time and we have a house together, we have been through everything, but we have been together again for 1 month now and I can't feel the love anymore she is trying and doesn't go out anymore and doesn't socialize with the same people, I know she regrets what she did but it's so hard to move past, it's the ultimate betrayal of trust and I'm not sure icansee a future together, every time I used to think of my future it would always be with her now it's not. It wasn't just a one night stand it was a relationship.

 

What do I do? I don't know how to do this, I'm trying to forgive but with what happened I don't feel I can love her the way I used to I'm always holding back for fear it will happen again.

[mark982]

buddy, many years ago,a fiance did the same things to me,i also left, went back and like a stupid azz i married her even though i had the exact same feelings as you.As hard as it is to believe right now,you have been givin a gift from god as to the true insite of your gf,do you want to go through the rest of your life "wondering" what your gf(or wife)is doing while she's out? trust is a funny thing,once it's broke it's next to impossible to get back===can you live with that?

[GLDheart]

Just be glad this happened before the wedding.

 

For me, the prospect of trying again with someone fresh is far more appealing than being the warden to a cheater.

[road]

You're young, no kids, you don't need to marry a cheater.

 

Also you don't stay 7 years engaged.

 

Next time Dump a #2 or get off the pot.

[NoMagicBullet]

Enaged 7 years? What's up with that?

 

You say you returned to try again; did you suggest trying one more time, or did she? If you initiated it, then I don't think it's going to work. She already showed that she had checked out of your relationship by going out clubbing without you, cheating, on you and telling other men you were already her ex. I'm flabbergasted that you were still trying to make things work after that much disrespct of you and the relationship.

 

How remorseful is she about it all? How much does she want you in her life? Because right now, she's the one who has to do a hell of a lot of work to rebuild the relationship. But you also have to allow her to do that work and start letting her back into your life -- if you truly want her in your life. Do you? You have no guarantees it won't happen again, but you can't block off your heart trying to protect it and be able to have a relationship. Whether it's with her or someone else, you have to be willing to put your heart back on the line or the relationship will go nowhere.

 

A few other tips: don't let relationships extend to the 7-year mark or higher without marriage, and don't buy a house (primary residence) with someone you aren't married to, unless you both agree that you don't want to marry. Also, you two should both be going to counseling if you are both serious about making the relationship work this time.

[Socrates84]

Hi,

Yeah 7 years. I know I can't explain what I am or was thinking at the time,

I just thought of the happiness we had and how much I love her.

She is remorseful and sorry. But now being back I can't feel the same way. I am trying but there is that part holding back not wanting to be hurt again. She did betray my rust and gave up on everything we had its never an easy situation to be in. We were planning on getting married but we decided the money used on a wedding was better used on a house.

Now I am selling the house and think its has to be over once and for all. I can't keep doing this I am not happy in my life....

[Titanwolf]

Hi,

Yeah 7 years. I know I can't explain what I am or was thinking at the time,

I just thought of the happiness we had and how much I love her.

She is remorseful and sorry. But now being back I can't feel the same way. I am trying but there is that part holding back not wanting to be hurt again. She did betray my rust and gave up on everything we had its never an easy situation to be in. We were planning on getting married but we decided the money used on a wedding was better used on a house.

Now I am selling the house and think its has to be over once and for all. I can't keep doing this I am not happy in my life....

 

 

I don't know why you've convinced yourself that she's remorseful. That's the first line of defence, cheaters use to try and re-gain favour., she knows you're weak for taking her back, as she gave herself to another man, do you think she was thinking about how much it would hurt you? no. You sir, are quite frankly everything wrong with the modern man and I'm repulsed by your behaviour. You'll always be there as the fool, after she's had another man whom she feels is superior to you. Drop a few tears here, say you're sorry and the fool is once again on his knees. Also, she's made it clear what she really thinks of you in those emails, there was no pressure, just brutal honesty. Now you know what she really thinks, why you would take her back eludes me.

[seibert253]

When you wake in the morning, get out of bed, get on your knees, and thank God you never married this woman.

Then be done with her forever.

 

She's gotten away with it, she's knows it, you folded and returned, she knows she's got control over you.

She will cheat on you again, I promise you that.

[kaylan]

Dump her and move on. Shes chumped you from the get go. She had you paying for everything while she goes out for new guys. Youre the chump provider guy in her eyes. Dont be that guy. Find a genuine woman.

 

Shes probably been cheated on you for a very very long time. I dont think there is any fixing this. And you shouldnt want to. Theres no reason for a partner to want to go out at night alone with their friends to bars and clubs in my opinion. Super fishy.

Edited August 12, 2012 by kaylan

[Darren Steez]

It's very easy, get separate accounts, let her pay for her own stuff and see how long she "loves" you for, my guess, she'll be off doing what she was doing before.

 

Buddy if you don't love her or trust her any more, why exactly are you with her? My guess is you still want to pay for everything so you can have control over her, I guess check up on her when you want. but relationships are so much more , it should be about love and trust and friendship..friends don't go behind someone's back and date and have sex with someone else..never. You have to look at yourself and see what esteem issues you have because only when you find yourself and happiness in yourself can you move forward and be happy with someone else, otherwise the mistrust will eat you up.

 

Good luck buddy, rooting for you

[Plan 9 from OS]

Engaged 7 years and own a house together. Would your home state consider your fiance your common law wife? If so, then you are facing a conundrum. If you are not married in the eyes of your state, just leave her and divide up the assets that you share together. If you can't pull the trigger to get married after a 7 year engagement, then just move on.

[Socrates84]

Hi all thanks for all your thoughts.

Just for the record we were not engaged for 7 years but lived together for 7 years engaged for just over 1 year.

My initial reaction was to leave and never look back and I did, however it's always easier to say then do, we shared so much together and had been through a lot, I was so hopelessly in love an infatuated with her even after 7 years ( before the cheating of course) I could still fall in love with her everyday I did everything for her.

Now I ink I put too much of myself in the relationship, now I'm back I can't seem to be happy but always sad and stuck on what she did and how much she broke me.

Sounds dumb but that's it in a nut shell

I know what I have to do and what I feel is right but that doesn't make doing it any easier.

After all I do still love her.....

[KatZee]

Hi all thanks for all your thoughts.

Just for the record we were not engaged for 7 years but lived together for 7 years engaged for just over 1 year.

My initial reaction was to leave and never look back and I did, however it's always easier to say then do, we shared so much together and had been through a lot, I was so hopelessly in love an infatuated with her even after 7 years ( before the cheating of course) I could still fall in love with her everyday I did everything for her.

Now I ink I put too much of myself in the relationship, now I'm back I can't seem to be happy but always sad and stuck on what she did and how much she broke me.

Sounds dumb but that's it in a nut shell

I know what I have to do and what I feel is right but that doesn't make doing it any easier.

After all I do still love her.....

 

Things will never be the same.

 

I stayed with a cheater, and let me tell you it doesn't get much easier. Yeah you've spent 7 years with her... but so what? She single-handedly did THE MOST disrespectful thing you can do to a spouse.

 

Just think about it. Sure... you love her. But honestly how much love can she have for you that she made the choices to go out with this guy... obviously taking off the engagement ring so she could go fool around with him, sleep with him and essentially create a life with him! All while calling you the "ex-boyfriend." You were nothing of the sort. You were THE FIANCE.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand how you have such little respect for yourself to put your foot down and end this. You gave her a diamond ring, as a sign of your devotion and willingness to start a life. Instead, she took that ring off to go f*ck someone else. She had a full affair here, and people DO NOT HAVE AFFAIRS unless something is seriously missing for them.

 

She may be with you now... but what about tomorrow? What about 5 years down the line when things are stale again? She's already proven to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she's capable of carrying out affairs. Do you really want to sit around with your thumb in your as$ waiting for the next one? And at which you'll then be married with kids?

 

It's not ugly now. It WILL BE if you continue with this woman.

 

You're also never going to feel the way you did before you found all this out. You're starting to see that. You're not happy. You're sad all the time. That's what happened to me. I never felt for my ex what I had felt for him before I found out he cheated. You will never forget.

 

You'll always have that paranoia. You'll always want to snoop, you'll never fully trust her. These are NOT the foundations to which you start a marriage.

 

You don't just stay with someone because you've been together for 7 years. That's not enough of a reason to stay.

Edited August 25, 2012 by KatZee

[strongnrelaxed]

There is a website you should consider nomoremrniceguy

 

The advice you are getting here is excellent - I think you will find answers to other questions there.

[strongnrelaxed]

You say:

...I was so hopelessly in love an infatuated with her even after 7 years ( before the cheating of course) I could still fall in love with her everyday I did everything for her. Now I ink I put too much of myself in the relationship...After all I do still love her.....

 

This is the problem. I too have been in this situation - being completely head over heels in love. This is ultimately repulsive to most modern women. They do not want a man who is emotionally dependent on them in this way. Any person who would tell you otherwise is the sort of person who would have to go back to her and forgive her. And you KNOW where that will lead.

 

Leave her and move on. I know it is hard, but it is a part of entering the next stage of adulthood. Being independent and understanding your own worth. Relationships are complicated and the more you know about primate behavior the more you will understand human behavior. I know it sounds odd, but give that a shot.

 

Ultimately, you sound like a good, decent man who gives a lot. You are the sort of guy I would appreciate calling a friend. Unfortunately, many women would use you as a doormat. Not because women are evil or bad - don't listen to bitter men who would say that - but because they want a strong, confident, stable man.

 

Were you giving her this part of yourself when she cheated? Were you strong, decisive, masculine, confident and sure of yourself? Women typically do not cheat on men like this.

 

Good luck. You will bounce back.. Do not go back to her under any circumstances. Break off all contact for at least a year.

[karnak]

 

Were you giving her this part of yourself when she cheated? Were you strong, decisive, masculine, confident and sure of yourself? Women typically do not cheat on men like this.

 

 

Women cheat on all kinds of guys, dude.

 

Masculine, effeminate, violent, rich, poor. It's got nothing to do with the male status. And all to do with the female libido and the way a woman perceives her emotional boundaries. The same way some men are so docile that they can't hurt a fly and others are serial killers.

[Sebastian76]

There is a website you should consider nomoremrniceguy

 

The advice you are getting here is excellent - I think you will find answers to other questions there.

 

I thought about the exact same site. Do yourself a favor and read the book, because it sounds like you qualify on all points.

 

And no I don't think it will ever work. Trust is extremely difficult to rebuild, especially when she pretty much humiliated you as deeply as is humanly possible. It wasn't a one night stand, she was basically having another boyfriend and having you running around like a clown being in love and all - I would guess the sharing of her sexual activities didn't come out in your favour.

 

I know I couldn't get back together with this woman no matter how much I loved her and wanted to be with her.

[strongnrelaxed]

Women cheat on all kinds of guys, dude.

 

Masculine, effeminate, violent, rich, poor. It's got nothing to do with the male status. And all to do with the female libido and the way a woman perceives her emotional boundaries. The same way some men are so docile that they can't hurt a fly and others are serial killers.

 

I do not disagree with your correction karnak. It is hard to summarize on these forums without writing a book. And I already go on too long too often!

 

I would say, however, that some men are magical. I have met them. They have women addicted to them hard corps! They can be in prison, or out in the world. They tend to be able to elicit the mommy instinct in women and these women will defend these men to the death!@

 

It is amazing to watch it in action.

 

These men rarely get cheated on in my experience. I just think this is manipulative behavior and ultimately unhealthy for the woman involved.

 

You should go to forums where there are a lot of "good guys" ranting. You will see how these men are MORE likely to be cheated on.

 

So, I agree. Any woman can cheat as can any man. Thanks for setting me straight. But we all know that there are some men who are more or less likely to get cheated on.

 

Once I figure out that formula, I will write a book and make gazillions!

[Socrates84]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your opinions. It has helped, and I have finally cut it off, we are now separated. Just got the house to sell and then its all finalized.

Sebastian76 you are so correct in honesty is extremely hard to get back once it has been shattered.

It's never an easy thing to do but it will certainly be a lot better in the long run, I already feel a huge weight lifted.

 

Well just wanted to update and thank every one for the input it was all very helpful.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your opinions. It has helped, and I have finally cut it off, we are now separated. Just got the house to sell and then its all finalized.

Sebastian76 you are so correct in honesty is extremely hard to get back once it has been shattered.

It's never an easy thing to do but it will certainly be a lot better in the long run, I already feel a huge weight lifted.

Well just wanted to update and thank every one for the input it was all very helpful.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I know this hurts like hell and it can take a long time to get past. Just treat it like women treat a physically abusive BF. That is basically the same thing.

 

Focus on picking someone better. I'm 100% better... in fact sometimes I feel like crying just to think how much better my life is.