Wife with OCD now refusing therapy...

[giotto]

If she likes sex--which seems contradictory to most of what you've been saying--you just need to find the right sexual buttons to push, without taking it personally, which can be difficult.

 

Your wife probably has some weird fantasy or kink which she has never told you about out of embarrassment.

 

There is probably some special set-up that gets her relaxed and in the mood.

 

You need to try to re-create the environments and situations you can recall when she seemed receptive to sex.

 

If that seems too difficult, then just get her drunk, tie her up, and spank her hard.

 

Firstly, my wife doesn't drink, so that would be difficult... I'll explain a bit:

 

she has no libido due to the ADs she takes for the OCD. I believe the OCD is also partially culpable. Apparently - if you read my first post - she has to decide when to have sex, because she has no libido. When she decides, she tells me. This could go on for a few weeks, because she doesn't think about it (no libido, remember?). So, I just lie there for days (or nights) until she makes her mind up. A bit intolerable, because I'm very attracted to my wife. She also said that her sexual needs are more important than mine (I suppose because I stick my dick inside her?). If, after 3 or 4 weeks, I get upset about the lack of sex, it's even worse. That puts her off immensely and she accuses me of getting angry. She doesn't like that, because she hates conflict. So, basically, I have to wait until she is ready. And I can't complain about it. There's absolutely nothing I can do to turn her on for all the reasons above.

 

As you can imagine, after 15 years of this (it was ok before the OCD), I've had enough. Since she doesn't want to go to therapy to solve the OCD (so we could be like we were at the beginning), I decided to go without. I thought what is making me so unhappy? Our sexual relationship and lack of intimacy. So, I erased them from my life. A bit clearer?

 

I can't believe I had to wait 15 years to know the real truth. At least it's not because I repulse her physically...

Edited August 17, 2012 by giotto

[TaraMaiden]

What is her OCD focus?

We all have a little bit of OCD... mine's hanging the washing.

I'm better - I used to colour-co-ordinate the clothes pegs....!

[giotto]

What is her OCD focus?

We all have a little bit of OCD... mine's hanging the washing.

I'm better - I used to colour-co-ordinate the clothes pegs....!

 

Recurrent catastrophic thoughts, also concerning the children, the family, etc. She can't live without the ADs. She tried coming off them in the past. Our sex life went back to normal, but the OCD returned and she caved in... so, I know what the culprit is.

[TaraMaiden]

Recurrent catastrophic thoughts, also concerning the children, the family, etc. She can't live without the ADs. She tried coming off them in the past. Our sex life went back to normal, but the OCD returned and she caved in... so, I know what the culprit is.

 

 

Jesus! My uncle had something similar*!! 5 sessions with a hypnotherapist and he was able to exert far more control....

 

Has that been tried/suggested-?!

 

(*To do with war experiences, and PTSD....)

[giotto]

Jesus! My uncle had something similar*!! 5 sessions with a hypnotherapist and he was able to exert far more control....

 

Has that been tried/suggested-?!

 

(*To do with war experiences, and PTSD....)

 

Now, her sister is a therapist (lol) and she suffers from the same thing (it's obviously an upbringing problem). She's been in therapy for years and she claims that it didn't solve a thing. Unfortunately, this has had a big impact on my wife. She doesn't believe in hypnotherapy.

[TaraMaiden]

Now, her sister is a therapist (lol) and she suffers from the same thing (it's obviously an upbringing problem). She's been in therapy for years and she claims that it didn't solve a thing. Unfortunately, this has had a big impact on my wife. She doesn't believe in hypnotherapy.

 

Blimey , it really is a no-win situation with her, isn't it...!?

[giotto]

Blimey , it really is a no-win situation with her, isn't it...!?

 

ah ah... you tell me!

[giotto]

 

Edit: The fact that she doesn't drink alcohol, AT ALL, especially being married to an Italian, is a clear indication she has many other issues. Unless someone is an alcoholic, there's no reason to avoid all alcoholic beverages. If it's a conflict with her medication, see a doctor and get a different medication.

 

She did drink, until some years ago. Then, i guess, she decided she wasn't in control of it (OMG!) and she chucked it. She drinks, but VERY occasionally and never ever gets drunk.

 

As far as the rest of your approach is concerned, I wouldn't like to be "assaulted" myself like that, so I never tried... maybe I should! I know my wife: she would push me away. Some time ago she told me she's had sex with me a few times even when she didn't want to. She just went along with it and didn't enjoy it. I made clearly in my other posts that I don't want her to do it for me. I'm not interested in just sex. I just want our relationship as it used to be.

 

Finally, you are absolutely right that I have been too patient, passive, accommodating. But I loved her and we had small kids. There was no time to think, especially with 4 of them. Yes, I would benefit from therapy. I just found a good looking one locally with whom I'm going to fall in love with, you know, to fill the gap...

[carhill]

I'd suggest IC if only to clarify current circumstances and to explore options of how to process them emotionally in a different way. Scrutinize the 'filters', as abelincoln referred to them.

 

Marriages take two to tango. No one dances alone. If IC is chosen, seek out a clinical psychologist familiar with/specializing in OCD. After this long, 15+years, your wife's condition and behavioral set has impacted you psychologically. A professional can help sort through it.

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[giotto]

I can only give you my perspective... I have my faults and one of those is definitely sometimes not reacting in the right way or understanding her. But it's very difficult to react correctly when you don't know what's going on and you get only half truths.

 

When I said she doesn't drink, it's true. She doesn't. Only on rare occasions. You are taking my word literally and from that you come to the conclusion that I'm providing a filtered perspective? That's a big jump!

 

A far as kissing and hugging, you are half right. Because of the lack of sex, everytime I did that she thought I was doing it for one reason: sex. So, after a while I stopped...

 

She doesn't even get undressed in front of me anymore...

 

 

Kissing and hugging one's spouse is not an "assault."

 

Just kiss her and hug her.

 

I figured that in all that time, you "never tried."

 

That's why I suggested it.

 

I think many of us reading your posts are confused but the reality is that you are presenting a very subjective viewpoint of what is going on in this marriage, even though you present as such a nice even-handed fellow.

 

An indication of that is when you first said she does not drink, but then you changed that to say she does drink, sometimes.

 

I suspect you are providing a very filtered perspective of what's been going on in your relationship.

 

It's impossible that your wife's behavior is entirely unrelated to how you've been interacting with her.

[hotgurl]

I wonder why you think you wouldn't see the kids so much if a divorce happens.

 

With you working at home and her working swing shifts you could easily have majority custody.

 

I had friends divorce and it was fairly amicable. The bought houses within walking/biking distance of each other and kids came and went. there was a schedule but it was flexible. Plus as kids start to age they tend to buck agreements anyhow in favor of hanging out with the friends.

 

How old are your kids I forget.

[giotto]

I wonder why you think you wouldn't see the kids so much if a divorce happens.

 

With you working at home and her working swing shifts you could easily have majority custody.

 

I had friends divorce and it was fairly amicable. The bought houses within walking/biking distance of each other and kids came and went. there was a schedule but it was flexible. Plus as kids start to age they tend to buck agreements anyhow in favor of hanging out with the friends.

 

How old are your kids I forget.

 

20, 17, 14 and 11...

[TaraMaiden]

the eldest is an adult - insofar as care and attention, they don't count.

the next is 17 - I'd be mortified if my dad thought I needed 'babysitting' or looking after... I'd want to be treated like the adult I (nearly) am...

 

14? 11?

 

Can be fragile....

Only you know how resilient and mature they are....

Are your kids close to one another?

Do they watch out for each other, or is there a disconnect?

 

are they fairly mutually supportive or are they quite independent...?

[giotto]

14? 11?

 

Can be fragile....

Only you know how resilient and mature they are....

Are your kids close to one another?

Do they watch out for each other, or is there a disconnect?

 

are they fairly mutually supportive or are they quite independent...?

 

They don't get on incredibly well... they do, but they bicker a lot. My 11 year old is still rather immature and is quite the Rumpelstiltskin type. She is sleeping with my wife at the moment. Because I'm not there. She is going to high school this year, so maybe she'll realise soon she is not a baby anymore.

 

My 14 year old is pretty independent and does her own thing with her friends. They still rely on me for feeding, money and getting them to places.

[giotto]

Is this in separation & divorce now? Wow!

[William]

Here's a portion of the starting thread:

 

"I think I've had it. It's been going on for 10 years and I'm at the end of my tether. But I do feel guilty about leaving a mentally ill person, and the kids."

Here's the forum description for this forum:

 

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 

Make sense? It got moved per moderation policy regarding topical postings. Carry on.

[giotto]

Here's a portion of the starting thread:

 

"I think I've had it. It's been going on for 10 years and I'm at the end of my tether. But I do feel guilty about leaving a mentally ill person, and the kids."

Here's the forum description for this forum:

 

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 

Make sense? It got moved per moderation policy regarding topical postings. Carry on.

 

ok, William, it's not a problem... just wasn't expecting it!

[TaraMaiden]

They don't get on incredibly well... they do, but they bicker a lot. My 11 year old is still rather immature and is quite the Rumpelstiltskin type. She is sleeping with my wife at the moment. Because I'm not there. She is going to high school this year, so maybe she'll realise soon she is not a baby anymore.

 

My 14 year old is pretty independent and does her own thing with her friends. They still rely on me for feeding, money and getting them to places.

In that case, permit me to put forward what I feel the dynamic might evolve in to...

 

If your 11 year-old is on her way to 'not being a baby any more' then you need to not wrap her in cotton wool, and be overly concerned about the fragility of her existence. And if she's sleeping with mum - then she knows something is up.

The 14-year old is pretty much getting to the 'IGAS' stage, if she hasn't already.....

 

Curiously - and not really off-topic - I was watching a programme yesterday evening that was among other things, discussing the way a teenager's mind works. And to cut a very long, studious, erudite and complex story short - they're the sane ones - it is we adults who have it all figured wrong....

 

We can all recall being teenagers... 'We know what it's like, we're ex-kids ourselves, I know what you're thinking, because I thought that too, about MY parents....'

 

Turns out teenagers are more level-headed and perceptive than adults, because adults are gradually subjected to more diverse experiences in which they have to conform, adjust and adhere to certain social moral acceptable modes of behaviour and interaction.

 

Teens 'tell it like it is'. And teens see things in a far more clear and obvious way we do. Because parts of their brains aren't connected yet, and certain sections haven't developed, they naturally have a different pov to adult - and they can't help it.

the only way to reason with a teenager, is to think at their level...

 

In matters of Taste - swim with the current.

In matters of Principle - stand like a rock.

 

So I would advise clear, decent uncomplicated honesty.

[giotto]

If your 11 year-old is on her way to 'not being a baby any more' then you need to not wrap her in cotton wool, and be overly concerned about the fragility of her existence. And if she's sleeping with mum - then she knows something is up.

 

She was sleeping with mum before. She used (until 6 months ago) to share her room with the 14 year old, but when she (the 14 year old) was having sleep overs, she wouldn't sleep on her own. So, I had to move out of our bed and sleep in the office so she could sleep with mum. I actually think my wife told her she could sleep in her bed because she was lonely (with me now sleeping in my office because of my back problems - officially).

 

I haven't thought about any of this, to be honest. I'm pretty busy workwise, so I'm struggling to cope with everything right now.

[giotto]

sorry, but you are completely wrong. Facts happen in a time frame. I had to leave the marital bed in the first place - some months ago - because of my backache. Now, after the holiday 'revelation', have decided to move permanently into my office. I suppose you are not aware of the time frame in which all this is happening. My daughter was sleeping in my wife's bed because I was upstairs in my office, with backache. I have no say in it. It might be unhealthy, but she will grow out of it. It's all very simple. There is no lying or gross distortion and I quite resent that you are implying it, like with the drinking. Why would I distort things? I'm here for advice. If I distort things then I won't be getting the right advice.

 

More "filtering."

 

Giotto, you originally claimed that you moved to the office as an act of separation, independence, and defiance in the face of your wife's coldness to you.

 

Now, you are saying you "had" to move there because your 11 year old needed to sleep with your wife.

 

Two rather different versions of the same anecdote.

 

Giotto, you seem like such a nice guy, and you have been posting here, and about this, for so long.

 

So I would hate to call you out as a liar. But if this kind of gross distortion of basic facts in your situation is indicative, and it's been deliberate all the time you've been posting here, what other conclusion would be reasonable to draw?

 

By the way an 11 year old sleeping with a parent is extremely unhealthy for the parent and the child. It's amazing you would permit this to occur, much less encourage it by moving out of the marital bed.

 

Something very strange and sick is going on in your marriage and your family, and it's not just your wife's OCD.

[giotto]

ok, chronological order:

 

1) my 14 year old daughter has frequent sleepovers, so I used to let my younger daughter sleeping in our bed when she (the 14 year old) was not at home (one night). My little daughter used to share the bedroom with her, and she was frightened to sleep on her own.

 

2) During the above, I still slept in our bed. But then I developed backache (because of my work) and moved temporarily to my office because there I have a bed with a orthopaedic mattress. This lasted until our recent holiday. We waited to buy a new mattress for our bed because I need a very good one and it costs a lot. Now I've managed to save the money and we bought it. It will be delivered on the 7th of September. In the meantime, my little daughter started sleeping in our bed.

 

3) During the holiday, my wife tells me nothing will ever change and she is not going to therapy. When we get back, I tell her I was moving into my office permanently.

 

Is this now clear? Maybe now you will stop speculating about hot air. As far as the parenting is concern, you are entitled to your opinions, but you don't know my family, so I'm not going to reply to your silly accusations and speculations. If you don't believe in what I'm saying, just stop posting in this thread, because you are not helping. I can only tell you that all the stuff you've come up with is total rubbish.

[giotto]

Moderator, where are you?

[William]

Moderator, where are you?

Moderators are human and sleep and aren't always in your location on the globe. Thanks for asking

 

If you wish the now mostly cleaned up thread to be re-opened to comment at some point, alert on this post and request it.

Edited August 18, 2012 by William
Post-cleanup