So incredibly Stuck

[Flagirl2]

I read here daily. I even posted a while ago detailing my story. I am so incredibly stuck and truly feel there is no way out. Every day I look and hope for something that will get me out of the mess that I created.

 

Long story, short. Me and MM had an A years ago. We work together and stayed apart for a long time. About 7 months ago, we reconnected and have been in a full blown A ever since. I am married. He is married. We both have children. We love each other. We are completely connected to each other. I also think we are completely addicited to each other. We talk all day long at work, will meet after work and then talk all night long through email. We are not present in our families. I think we are all consumed with each other.

 

We talk about a future. I say I would leave my marriage tomorrow. But I know I won't. I just tell him that. He says he is working on leaving his marriage. Which I actually believe that is true. I have seen the "progress" he has made.

 

BUt, I do not want to live like this anymore. I want my life back. I have tried to break it off multiple times. He has tried as well. We can't do it. It's like a physical dependency. I have tried counseling. Have not told anyone I was going. My Therapist thought I should continue the A as it is giving me what my M is not and keeping me happy. When I saw her, I was physically ill. I had lost about 30 pounds and was skin and bones. She was concerned about my physical health so thought the A happiness kept me eating.

 

I hope and pray every single day for something to get me out of this mess. I cry every day and then come to work and act as happy as I can be for him. I try to pull back as much as possible, only to get sucked backed in and I don't know why. I want out. I don't know if I'm looking so much for advice as to save anyone who is even thinking about entering into an A - DO NOT DO IT. It's toxic and it consumes your life. Getting out is probably the most painful experience I have ever tried and I still cannot succeed.

[CarrieT]

BUt, I do not want to live like this anymore. I want my life back. I have tried to break it off multiple times. He has tried as well. We can't do it. It's like a physical dependency.

 

Many of us have been there It IS a physical dependency.

 

If you truly want your life back, quit your job and come clean with your husband; the physical dependency will disappear pretty quickly when you start to deal with the consequences of your actions...

[jwi71]

Nothing has changed because you don't want it to change.

You say you do...then proceed to do NOTHING.

 

What ACTIONS can you DO to create change in your life?

[Flagirl2]

I have thought about quitting my job. There is no place that I could go to make the kind of money I am making. I am at the top of my scale. I have thought about it and I do look for something to come up.

 

we seperated before for many years and it worked. He says we are more connected and attached to each other this time. I think he is right. Is it possible to get through this and still work together? Especially when he is right down the hall. I see him no less than 3 or 5 times in passing in common areas.

 

He isn't a bad man. He is good to me for the most part. He can be a bit manipulative but I think he is doing his best. He doesn't know that I secretly wish for this to end. If he did, he would be very upset. He thinks we are building to be together. I don't see it for many reasons, but I think he believes it could be possible.

[Flagirl2]

Nothing has changed because you don't want it to change.

You say you do...then proceed to do NOTHING.

 

What ACTIONS can you DO to create change in your life?

 

I could quit my job. But I would have to find something else first. We couldn't survive without my paycheck. Other than that, I just don't know. I have tried and tried and just cannot do it. I physically feel ill at the thought. I'm scared to even try because of how I feel. I'm afraid of feeling the loss.

[Spark1111]

I read here daily. I even posted a while ago detailing my story. I am so incredibly stuck and truly feel there is no way out. Every day I look and hope for something that will get me out of the mess that I created.

 

Long story, short. Me and MM had an A years ago. We work together and stayed apart for a long time. About 7 months ago, we reconnected and have been in a full blown A ever since. I am married. He is married. We both have children. We love each other. We are completely connected to each other. I also think we are completely addicited to each other. We talk all day long at work, will meet after work and then talk all night long through email. We are not present in our families. I think we are all consumed with each other.

 

We talk about a future. I say I would leave my marriage tomorrow. But I know I won't. I just tell him that. He says he is working on leaving his marriage. Which I actually believe that is true. I have seen the "progress" he has made.

 

BUt, I do not want to live like this anymore. I want my life back. I have tried to break it off multiple times. He has tried as well. We can't do it. It's like a physical dependency. I have tried counseling. Have not told anyone I was going. My Therapist thought I should continue the A as it is giving me what my M is not and keeping me happy. When I saw her, I was physically ill. I had lost about 30 pounds and was skin and bones. She was concerned about my physical health so thought the A happiness kept me eating.

 

I hope and pray every single day for something to get me out of this mess. I cry every day and then come to work and act as happy as I can be for him. I try to pull back as much as possible, only to get sucked backed in and I don't know why. I want out. I don't know if I'm looking so much for advice as to save anyone who is even thinking about entering into an A - DO NOT DO IT. It's toxic and it consumes your life. Getting out is probably the most painful experience I have ever tried and I still cannot succeed.

 

Your therapist is an idiot. Find another one.

 

Would you tell a heroin addict to keep using because it makes them happy and is keeping them half alive? Of course not.

 

Your marriage will NEVER improve until your AP is out of your system. Impossible to improve the relationship with your H when you are expending all day all night emotionally connecting with your MM.

 

If you devoted HALF that time and attention to your marriage, who knows what could happen?

 

You have a choice here: Are you being sucked in, like a teenager, or are you CHOOSING to?

 

You are not addicted to the man. Wasn't he actually very nasty to you last NC? You are addicted to the affair and the way it makes you feel.

 

Cold turkey is the only way to kick an addiction and it is painful.

 

So, when you get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and enforce total and complete NC...you will heal from this.

 

Good luck to you.

[Owl]

You've CONSIDERED quitting your job.

 

Have you considered telling your H? Freeing him up to decide if he still wants to be married to you in light of this affair?

 

Telling him will QUICKLY force your focus to change, one way or another.

[woinlove]

What you write is heartbreaking. The idea that you both have children at home and yet are letting your lives be consumed by this affair is heartbreaking. You and your children will never recover these years. As a working mother, I know how precious all the time outside work is to the family, how much it matters that I can completely clear my head of work and just be present in the now with them. You need a new therapist as your therapist does not seem to be taking your addiction/obsession seriously. It is a long, tough road to break the addiction and your therapist doesn't seem to be even helping you get started on that road. It doesn't matter if your road will take you back to your M or to divorce and being with your AP. Either way, you have to get on a path where you have some control over your life.

[skywriter]

Flagirl2,

 

Hi and welcome.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, I know it can be hard to admit.

 

One thing that stood out to me is how you feed your mind with words like, "stuck", no way out, get me out of this mess, etc...

 

The fact is, if you believe these things, then,the prospects of change a slim to none. Change can happen, when you believe in your ability to do so, because you will be ready.

 

Something has to happen ,to prompt you, to initate the changes that you desire.

 

You should really stop leading this MM on, if you realise that you aren't leaving. Getting out is painful in a bittersweet way. In the end, it is ,as if ,a tremendous burden is lifted off of you.

 

Go ahead and initiate that change for yourself, time to take your life back.

[Flagirl2]

My H is pretty absent from our M as well. We go our seperate ways. We do things with the kids together when we have to. There is no real love there. We do not have sex. There are times I look at him and wish we could reconnect but I think it's too late. We are basically roommates at this point. He is good man as well. A very good father. And I feel he does love me. He just has no clue as well how to get us back.

 

My AP can be very cruel during breakups. He likes to manipulate the situations so I look like the bad guy, which then I cave in and the whole thing starts all over again. I'm afraid to be without him. I'm afraid of facing my life.

[Flagirl2]

Flagirl2,

 

One thing that stood out to me is how you feed your mind with words like, "stuck", no way out, get me out of this mess, etc...

 

The fact is, if you believe these things, then,the prospects of change a slim to none. Change can happen, when you believe in your ability to do so, because you will be ready.

 

Something has to happen ,to prompt you, to initate the changes that you desire.

 

You should really stop leading this MM on, if you realise that you aren't leaving. Getting out is painful in a bittersweet way. In the end, it is ,as if ,a tremendous burden is lifted off of you.

 

Go ahead and initiate that change for yourself, time to take your life back.

 

How? Can I do this gradually or does it have to be cold turkey. I'm afraid. I'm probably a big coward as well, but mostly just afraid of not having him or the A in my life.

[jwi71]

My H is pretty absent from our M as well. We go our seperate ways. We do things with the kids together when we have to. There is no real love there. We do not have sex. There are times I look at him and wish we could reconnect but I think it's too late. We are basically roommates at this point. He is good man as well. A very good father. And I feel he does love me. He just has no clue as well how to get us back.

 

My AP can be very cruel during breakups. He likes to manipulate the situations so I look like the bad guy, which then I cave in and the whole thing starts all over again. I'm afraid to be without him. I'm afraid of facing my life.

 

What is your goal here OP?

 

From what you write, your life s_cks. Not happy at home with H. Not happy with OM. By your admission the A consumes to such a degree it affects your time/relationship with your own children.

 

Because you see OM at work daily I'm sure it affects your mood/attitude at work. And as such it negatively affects your career - which seems to be the only positive in life.

 

Help me out here.

 

If you could wield a magic pen and script how all "this" ends what would you write?

[Flagirl2]

What is your goal here OP?

 

 

If you could wield a magic pen and script how all "this" ends what would you write?

 

I love that question. Thank you for posting that. If I had a script as to how it ends, I would write for me an AP to be together and no one gets hurt because of it. The complete devastation to his family, my family, my friends, his friends, our co-workers would all be spared and we would live our lives together.

[Flagirl2]

And yet you choose to stay with him? Why?

 

It's unmessy. It's safe. It's what I know. I don't want to hurt him or my family. It's the fear of the unknown. It could just be plain lazyiness to change.

[skywriter]

How? Can I do this gradually or does it have to be cold turkey. I'm afraid. I'm probably a big coward as well, but mostly just afraid of not having him or the A in my life.

 

 

Well.....if your reality doesn't include the MM, then contact will need to be severed. If you have to continue seeing one another it's like reopening a wound.

 

I've been nearly three months out of my A. It gets better everyday.

 

....and don't be afraid, if you are maintaining a household, being a mother, working outside of the home, have a successful career, then consider your abilities to do so. This says alot about your capabilities.

 

It just takes something, to get you in the direction, to set the wheels in motion. Don't underestimate yourself, you can do what you set your mind to.

 

I frightened the hell out of myself when I decided my A wouldn't go on another day. LOL!

Edited August 7, 2012 by skywriter

[Flagirl2]

[quote=skywriter;4174246

Well.....if your reality doesn't include the MM, then contact will need to be severed. If you have to continue seeing one another it's like reopening a wound.

 

I've been nearly three months out of my A. It gets better everyday.

 

....and don't be afraid, if you are maintaining a household, being a mother, working outside of the home, have a successful career, then consider your abilities to do so. This says alot about your capabilities.

 

It just takes something, to get you in the direction, to set the wheels in motion. Don't underestimate yourself, you can do what you set your mind to.

 

I frightened the hell out of myself when I decided my A wouldn't go on another day. LOL!

 

Thank you, Sky for your kind words. Some things I have let go because this A is all consuming. I would love to get my house back in order. It's dull and lacks life. LIke me apparently. I just do not have the time or energy to do so as it's last on my list.

[veryhappy]

Her therapist told her to continue the affair because she wasn't eating. Morals sometimes come after basic needs.

 

If you want to be with you AP, but are afraid about being able to do it, tell the AP. Ask for his help. It's cruel to give him false hope when you know that you won't do it. Keep at least one place where you are honest - M isn't it, so I suggest you tell your AP what's really going on.

 

I also don't know how cruel he's been to you, and if that should make you reconsider wanting to be wih him in a R. It does sound though that as this point you can't continue the A, so what options do you have if you end the A?

[Owl]

My H is pretty absent from our M as well. We go our seperate ways. We do things with the kids together when we have to. There is no real love there. We do not have sex. There are times I look at him and wish we could reconnect but I think it's too late. We are basically roommates at this point. He is good man as well. A very good father. And I feel he does love me. He just has no clue as well how to get us back.

 

My AP can be very cruel during breakups. He likes to manipulate the situations so I look like the bad guy, which then I cave in and the whole thing starts all over again. I'm afraid to be without him. I'm afraid of facing my life.

 

Then it sounds to me like you have little to risk by telling him. But a lot to gain if it does indeed help him "get that clue", or if he chooses to end the marriage and free you to be with whomever you please.

 

Sounds to me like telling is a "win/win" in this situation. It would help take your mind and focus off of MM, and it has the potential to create positive change in both your and your H's lives.

[Flagirl2]

If you want to be with you AP, but are afraid about being able to do it, tell the AP. Ask for his help. It's cruel to give him false hope when you know that you won't do it. Keep at least one place where you are honest - M isn't it, so I suggest you tell your AP what's really going on.

 

I also don't know how cruel he's been to you, and if that should make you reconsider wanting to be wih him in a R. It does sound though that as this point you can't continue the A, so what options do you have if you end the A?

 

Gosh, that says it all right there. Thank you. I never thought of it like that. I am being honest NO where. No wonder why I struggle.

 

AP is pretty hard to talk to about certain things. He gets upset very easily when I approach the "I'm not certain" talk. I usually steer clear of those conversations because they turn into a fight.

 

And yes, I do question whether I want to be with him a R. At times, it's all I want, then the next time, I'm not sure.

[Flagirl2]

Then it sounds to me like you have little to risk by telling him. But a lot to gain if it does indeed help him "get that clue", or if he chooses to end the marriage and free you to be with whomever you please.

 

Sounds to me like telling is a "win/win" in this situation. It would help take your mind and focus off of MM, and it has the potential to create positive change in both your and your H's lives.

 

I do think he would end the M if I told him. He knows AP. I don't think he would forgive that. So, telling him would be the end of the M.

[skywriter]

Flagirl2,

 

So it sounds as if you are in a sense manipulating, both your marital status and your A status, because it's easier, than dealing with the fear of change, for yourself and all concerned.

 

It's exhausting you and affecting you emotionally and physically.

[jwi71]

I love that question. Thank you for posting that. If I had a script as to how it ends, I would write for me an AP to be together and no one gets hurt because of it. The complete devastation to his family, my family, my friends, his friends, our co-workers would all be spared and we would live our lives together.

 

Ok, two goals one subordinate to the other.

 

You want your OM.

And no one gets hurt.

 

So, what's the first step to achieving our goal?

 

I would suggest talking to MOM. Tell him that you want to marry him and that you should each D your spouses and make that happen.

 

Have you, straight up, asked him for that.

Have you asked him to marry you?

(yes, I know, you are both married now - but that's easy to fix)

[scatterd]

Hi and welcome to LS

It sounds like you feel you are in a rock and a hard place. You said you want to be with AP and he does you also. You mentioned he is making steps to be with you which I take it as he is serous about this. I hope you can find away to take steps for what you want also. Getting rid of your therapist would be a good start. It is wrong for her to tell you to continue this affair and keep it a secret, especially when its tearing you up. Second if you take steps to tell your husband that would be a beginning of starting honest life again and going with whom you want. Living a lie is not good for anybody. The people here have been through pain their selfs and will help to support you through your pain. I hope you find the happiness you are wanting and needing.

[Flagirl2]

You are all so kind and are really making me think. Thank you so much. I spent my lunch hour alone today, which is something that I do not normally do. I have this urgent feeling to just be alone with myself right now and really think about what it is I want. It's peaceful. It's calm and I enjoyed just that one hour to myself.

 

The first step in achieving my goal of me and AP being together is for us both to get a D. He needs to do that on his own time. I won't push that ever. And I don't even know if I'm capable of doing it. I want to be with AP. I do, but in a perfect world that doesn't exist. One where nobody gets hurt. So, my mind just keeps playing these tricks on me. PLus, being in limbo just drives me crazy.

[jwi71]

You are all so kind and are really making me think. Thank you so much. I spent my lunch hour alone today, which is something that I do not normally do. I have this urgent feeling to just be alone with myself right now and really think about what it is I want. It's peaceful. It's calm and I enjoyed just that one hour to myself.

 

The first step in achieving my goal of me and AP being together is for us both to get a D. He needs to do that on his own time. I won't push that ever. And I don't even know if I'm capable of doing it. I want to be with AP. I do, but in a perfect world that doesn't exist. One where nobody gets hurt. So, my mind just keeps playing these tricks on me. PLus, being in limbo just drives me crazy.

 

Fair enough.

 

What is holding you back from filing for D then?

What's the hang-up here?

 

And you should really ask the MOM if he wants the same thing.

Methinks there is a hang up there - I also think you know it.

Care to elaborate?