So incredibly Stuck

[mercy]

Where is your control in your life?

[Flagirl2]

Where is your control in your life?

 

Honestly? I have no control. Every ounce of energy is just keeping everyone just "happy enough".

[whichwayisup]

First off, you need a NEW therapist. A marriage counsellor. Someone to help you and your husband. You need to gain strength so you can come clean and tell your H the truth. This way he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, or give you a chance to work things out. You can't continue lying and deceiving him. It's killing you.

 

As for the job, you quit. Start taking control over life and make some decisions. Stop living life for everybody else.

[Flagirl2]

Has anyone been able to come clean with their spouse and not have their AP's spouse find out as well. I don't want everyone to find out. THat would be awful. I can't predict my H's response.

[mercy]

Honestly? I have no control. Every ounce of energy is just keeping everyone just "happy enough".

 

Not good enough, huh?

 

Honestly you have given away your power. It's why you don't eat. Eating you can control. And your life is out of control. But eating isn't.

 

Action is what you need. Ask yourself the hard questions.

 

Find out what brings you peace.

 

It was very telling that you answered what others could do, in the sense that, you have given away so much of your power that instead of you bringing yourself peace you stated what others have to do. NO! You have to do.

 

Forget everyone else. Because concentrating on yourself is going to bring you the outcomes you want and desire. Only you can fix you. Seek another therapist.

 

There are some great ones out there, I know, I have one. Have you looked into talk therapy?

[sleepie]

I read here daily. I even posted a while ago detailing my story. I am so incredibly stuck and truly feel there is no way out. Every day I look and hope for something that will get me out of the mess that I created.

 

Long story, short. Me and MM had an A years ago. We work together and stayed apart for a long time. About 7 months ago, we reconnected and have been in a full blown A ever since. I am married. He is married. We both have children. We love each other. We are completely connected to each other. I also think we are completely addicited to each other. We talk all day long at work, will meet after work and then talk all night long through email. We are not present in our families. I think we are all consumed with each other.

 

We talk about a future. I say I would leave my marriage tomorrow. But I know I won't. I just tell him that. He says he is working on leaving his marriage. Which I actually believe that is true. I have seen the "progress" he has made.

 

BUt, I do not want to live like this anymore. I want my life back. I have tried to break it off multiple times. He has tried as well. We can't do it. It's like a physical dependency. I have tried counseling. Have not told anyone I was going. My Therapist thought I should continue the A as it is giving me what my M is not and keeping me happy. When I saw her, I was physically ill. I had lost about 30 pounds and was skin and bones. She was concerned about my physical health so thought the A happiness kept me eating.

 

I hope and pray every single day for something to get me out of this mess. I cry every day and then come to work and act as happy as I can be for him. I try to pull back as much as possible, only to get sucked backed in and I don't know why. I want out. I don't know if I'm looking so much for advice as to save anyone who is even thinking about entering into an A - DO NOT DO IT. It's toxic and it consumes your life. Getting out is probably the most painful experience I have ever tried and I still cannot succeed.

 

You broke it off once. You ended it once even though you work together. You can do it again. Because not being fully present for your kids--regardless of your H--is damaging them.

 

How did you break it off the first time? How did you let him go and still work with him? You must have found a way back then.

 

You can do it again.

 

I understand how you're feeling. There was a time--a very long time--when I thought I would never be able to get out of my A, even though deep down I desperately wanted to. It felt hopeless. It felt overwhelming. It felt impossible.

 

But there's only one way to do it: Grit your teeth, put your head down, and muscle through it. You CAN do it. You did it once. You can do it again. It won't be EASY and it's gonna hurt like he11. But in the end, it'll be worth it.

[veryhappy]

I must be living in a different world, and missing the one where people are righteous and perfect. Jobs are easily quit, etc. etc.

 

Her H is comfortable and shows no sign to want anything more - he hasn't asked to work on the marriage so it works enough for him.

 

Sometimes people do not want to know the truth(my experience as an truth pushing person).

 

I am in the minority here thinking that confessing to an affair is not always the best thing to do.

 

Flagirl2, end the affair and see where that leads (Feel free to confess if you later decide that's the way to go). You don't need to start by confessing and throw everyone's lives up in the air. I have a unsettling feeling about your AP -is he controlling/ potentially abusive? It just seems that he can tell you to shut up (well, nicer), you feel manipulated, and at some point you wondered if he's agree to a break. If you want to break up, the other person doesn't need to agree with it! Even you wanting him to move to a different job (instead of you being willing to do it to be with him) can be your way of saying you want him out of your life. Because of all these reasons, I think you need to end the affair and wait for the dust to settle.

Edited August 8, 2012 by cutedragon

[Flagirl2]

That is now my plan. I went for a long walk tonight and thought. My OM is not the one for me. I know that in my heart. I want him to be, but he's not. In the real world, he would destroy my soul. I finally have admitted that. I love him. I thought we were "soulmates" "perfect for each other", "our love is not no other". It's all a fairy tale. It's a fog and it's fake. And I cry here now just finally admitting that.

 

So, my plan is simple. I am not going to confess to my H for now. I need to start to break contact with OM. I am calling in sick the next few days and I'm going to ask my boss to work a different shift for a few weeks. I need to get control of my emotions as far as OM goes. Once I get the initial pain and hurt over with and hopefully the fog has lifted, I will deal with my M. I can't think clearly about my M when I am all consumed with my OM. It's going to hurt. I am very afraid, but I know right now, it's my only option. If we were meant to be, which I do not think we are realistically, we will D our spouses on our own and find our way back to each other.

 

I'm going to need a lot of strength for this. I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I have to try. I hope daily, or even hourly updates and cries for help are ok on here. You have all be so wonderful, harsh at times, but honest and fair. I thank you.

[veryhappy]

You are strong enough to do it, even if you may not feel like that right now.

 

What do you think will make you cave in an go back yo him? What are your triggers? If you have a plan on how to react when he'll try to work that magic on you, it will be easier to resist.

[jwi71]

That is now my plan. I went for a long walk tonight and thought. My OM is not the one for me. I know that in my heart. I want him to be, but he's not. In the real world, he would destroy my soul. I finally have admitted that. I love him. I thought we were "soulmates" "perfect for each other", "our love is not no other". It's all a fairy tale. It's a fog and it's fake. And I cry here now just finally admitting that.

 

Without knowing anymore than what you post I agree - however I do have a strong bias that an OM/OW is not "the answer". They are usually band-aid.

 

 

So, my plan is simple. I am not going to confess to my H for now.

 

Only you can make the decision to tell.

Having said that, I do believe that to fully recover the M, telling becomes necessary.

However, the good news...is you can wait on this. You have the time.

 

I need to start to break contact with OM.

 

You need to have one more contact with the MOM to tell him the A is over.

The how is left to you...but not doing seems to invite more short term drama (and possibly long term).

 

I need to get control of my emotions as far as OM goes. Once I get the initial pain and hurt over with and hopefully the fog has lifted, I will deal with my M.

 

The fog will lift when you take ACTION.

You cannot be passive.

I would find another IC. You may have to try a few to find the right one.

Here's a clue that you have found the right one: its scary. It hurts.

You weren't stuck - it was a lie and excuse you USED to avoid "digging deep". What YOU needed was someone, anyone, to kick your b_utt.

Fin an IC that will do so...and push and challenge and turn your world upside down.

Its how you grow.

 

I can't think clearly about my M when I am all consumed with my OM. It's going to hurt. I am very afraid, but I know right now, it's my only option. If we were meant to be, which I do not think we are realistically, we will D our spouses on our own and find our way back to each other.

 

Read my signature. What is "meant to be" is what YOU DO.

 

I'm going to need a lot of strength for this. I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I have to try. I hope daily, or even hourly updates and cries for help are ok on here. You have all be so wonderful, harsh at times, but honest and fair. I thank you.

 

Funnily enough, IC will make you STRONGER.

More aware.

 

I suggest a new IC. Go to IC and rediscover you. Then, in time, consider MC.

 

One caveat... whatever you do, whatever you choose...tell no lies.

 

That's important because a quality MC WILL ask. A quality IC will also ask.

But its easy to tell an IC...your H isnt there to hear it.

 

Good luck to you...whatever you decide.

I think you are taking healthy steps towards creating a healthy life.

[CALOVELY]

That is now my plan. I went for a long walk tonight and thought. My OM is not the one for me. I know that in my heart. I want him to be, but he's not. In the real world, he would destroy my soul. I finally have admitted that. I love him. I thought we were "soulmates" "perfect for each other", "our love is not no other". It's all a fairy tale. It's a fog and it's fake. And I cry here now just finally admitting that.

 

So, my plan is simple. I am not going to confess to my H for now. I need to start to break contact with OM. I am calling in sick the next few days and I'm going to ask my boss to work a different shift for a few weeks. I need to get control of my emotions as far as OM goes. Once I get the initial pain and hurt over with and hopefully the fog has lifted, I will deal with my M. I can't think clearly about my M when I am all consumed with my OM. It's going to hurt. I am very afraid, but I know right now, it's my only option. If we were meant to be, which I do not think we are realistically, we will D our spouses on our own and find our way back to each other.

 

I'm going to need a lot of strength for this. I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I have to try. I hope daily, or even hourly updates and cries for help are ok on here. You have all be so wonderful, harsh at times, but honest and fair. I thank you.

 

I wish you well. I can tell you as someone who overcame an addiction, it is an hourly challenge. It is difficult but the moment you decide enough is enough, it really is mind over matter. Keep yourself busy with things, heck take up hobbies that you never thought you would. Get excited about things again! Take an art class or photography or something that peaks your interest. It WILL help.

Whether your marriage works out or not is not my concern right now. You are lost and need to get back to the person you used to be, the person before the addiction. You deserve it and your kids deserve it. It has been 5 years for me now and it saddens me how much I missed in life due to my addiction. You WILL look back at this and thank your lucky stars that you ended it. Mark my words.

[Artie Lang]

so what happens when you come back to work? OM is still going to be there!

 

this is a temporary fix.....not going to work. i can almost guarantee you'll end up in the sack with him again.

[plethora]

There are a lot of days I want to call in sick. Just to be alone. But that is a no-no in our relationship. We tell each other where we are, where we are going, when we will be in, if we leave early, what time we are leaving. I talk to him more than anyone else. We talk 8 to 9 hours a day at work, basically, have about a 2 hour reprieve when we get home for dinner, etc., then we talk at least another 2 hours before bed. If I just didn't show up one day without an explanation, he would be upset. And any explanation I could give him, he would be upset. We are supposed to be here, at work, as much as we can.

 

After writing that, and rereading that, I'm just plain exhausted.

 

Wow. I know you have replied after this post saying you want to leave the OM, and I def think you NEED to. This is not a healthy relationship - you shouldn't need to be constantly updating him of your whereabouts and what you are doing. It sounds like you really need to take control of your actions and your life and just reach the point where you know ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

I wish you the best of luck.

[woinlove]

That is now my plan. I went for a long walk tonight and thought. My OM is not the one for me. I know that in my heart. I want him to be, but he's not. In the real world, he would destroy my soul. I finally have admitted that. I love him. I thought we were "soulmates" "perfect for each other", "our love is not no other". It's all a fairy tale. It's a fog and it's fake. And I cry here now just finally admitting that.

 

So, my plan is simple. I am not going to confess to my H for now. I need to start to break contact with OM. I am calling in sick the next few days and I'm going to ask my boss to work a different shift for a few weeks. I need to get control of my emotions as far as OM goes. Once I get the initial pain and hurt over with and hopefully the fog has lifted, I will deal with my M. I can't think clearly about my M when I am all consumed with my OM. It's going to hurt. I am very afraid, but I know right now, it's my only option. If we were meant to be, which I do not think we are realistically, we will D our spouses on our own and find our way back to each other.

 

I'm going to need a lot of strength for this. I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I have to try. I hope daily, or even hourly updates and cries for help are ok on here. You have all be so wonderful, harsh at times, but honest and fair. I thank you.

 

It sounds like you have a good plan for starting on a path. I wish you had a therapist who would support you in this, so do try to keep the idea of finding a good recommendation in mind. There are lots of therapists who, if you said the above to them, you ask you questions and bring out ideas to help you in carrying out your plan and breaking the addiction. It is not easy. These pages have been filled with people struggling to get out of an affair.

 

Usually people find going no contact is more likely to lead to success, but some go through a stage of lighter-contact and are still successful eventually. You plan to call in sick sounds good. You also need to think of activities and strategies for replacing the times you used to talk to him. You also have to be prepared for very strong urges to go back to the routine you have established and think of some things you can do when those hit you - such as talking to someone else, posting here, focus on others - children, family, doing some activity you would usually enjoy.

 

Feel free to post here as much as you want or need. You can do this. You know your life has not been working. This is no way to live. You can live a happier life and you can stay on the path to that happier life, even if there are bumps along the way. Good luck.