So incredibly Stuck

[Flagirl2]

You may not know this but when you cheat your partner can feel that something is going on. Your Husband is already hurting and a good man does not deserve to be lied to. If you do not want to hurt him then stop your affair and come clean. Let him decide what he wants to do. I am wondering why you think you need to protect him when you are not by cheating. Do you know for sure what you want? Do you want to be with the other man or are you confused? Find a new counselor that will help you and I would start finding one now. You are going to need one. We can help with support but a professional can help you with deeper issues.

 

I want to be with my MM, but without hurting anyone. Realistic? Absolutely not. It's getting my head wrapped around the fact that people are going to get hurt that is making me question everything. I do not want to hurt anyone. So many people are going to get hurt. And what if it is a mistake. What if me and MM are not right for each other and my H is the best man I could possibly hope for and I threw it away. My H is a very kind and decent man. Anyone would be lucky to have him. I wish I would love him the way I do MM. I simply don't. But again, there are times when we are socializing, that I do look at him and feel just a little something. Is that little something worth giving up what I hope would be a wonderful life with MM?

[woinlove]

I want to be with my MM, but without hurting anyone. Realistic? Absolutely not. It's getting my head wrapped around the fact that people are going to get hurt that is making me question everything. I do not want to hurt anyone. So many people are going to get hurt. And what if it is a mistake. What if me and MM are not right for each other and my H is the best man I could possibly hope for and I threw it away. My H is a very kind and decent man. Anyone would be lucky to have him. I wish I would love him the way I do MM. I simply don't. But again, there are times when we are socializing, that I do look at him and feel just a little something. Is that little something worth giving up what I hope would be a wonderful life with MM?

 

You can torture yourself with these comparisons. I've been happily married 25 years and, to me, it is a combination of being in love and choosing to be in love with each other, that sees one through the decades. One has to be sufficiently at peace with oneself, sufficiently happy with oneself, to be able to choose love for those around you. I think you would need to work on yourself a lot to get to that position. Right now, probably neither man is going to be enough to make you happy, because you are not happy enough in yourself. That's just my opinion on the matter, coming from my own experience.

[Flagirl2]

You can torture yourself with these comparisons. I've been happily married 25 years and, to me, it is a combination of being in love and choosing to be in love with each other, that sees one through the decades. One has to be sufficiently at peace with oneself, sufficiently happy with oneself, to be able to choose love for those around you. I think you would need to work on yourself a lot to get to that position. Right now, probably neither man is going to be enough to make you happy, because you are not happy enough in yourself. That's just my opinion on the matter, coming from my own experience.

 

Thank you, Wo. That does make a lot of sense. I always thought I needed to find some peace within me. Even yesterday afternoon at lunch when I spent the hour with just myself quietly, it did wonders. In the meantime, while trying to work on myself, what do I do? I can't work on myself while missing AP if I end the A. I know that. The thought causes so much anxiety

[scatterd]

I think you husband is the best guy here. How could you ever trust the OM. If he did it to his wife he will do it to you. You need to come clean though and work on your

self. Going NC with OM is where that starts and keeping

NC. First you have to see what husband wants he can forgive you if you work on why you cheat. their has been many marriages that have survived after affair. Some end up better then they were before. This takes work but you have to figure out what you want and never cheat again.

[Flagirl2]

I think you husband is the best guy here. How could you ever trust the OM. If he did it to his wife he will do it to you. You need to come clean though and work on your

self. Going NC with OM is where that starts and keeping

NC. First you have to see what husband wants he can forgive you if you work on why you cheat. their has been many marriages that have survived after affair. Some end up better then they were before. This takes work but you have to figure out what you want and never cheat again.

 

Scattered, while you may be right about my H and that is what I need to find out, I do not believe my OM would cheat on me. I know. I could be naive. But even in the 10+ years we were apart, he didn't cheat with anyone. I'm sure he could have as his M was no picnic, but he felt he would be cheating on me. Not his W. He, too, is a good man. With some faults, as we all have, but he is a good man.

 

NC and working with him, scares me. Right now, in my state, I do not know if it is possible. I know that is the only way out. I wonder if I propose to him a sort of "cooling down" period, if he would accept that. For us to try and not talk to figure this all out?

[Flagirl2]

As I said, there are therapists who recommend you do not end the EMR prematurely. I have some material you could read which you may find interesting. If you post so you have a total of 50 posts, I could PM you some more information regarding this if you're interested.

 

 

Trinity, I would be VERY interested in your material. Thank you so much. I will try and get to m 50th post quickly.

[scatterd]

I am wondering how would you feel if your husband was cheating you said sometimes you wish he would find someone else. You are cake eating and at one point you need to make a choice. What are you going to do if or when you get caught? Does your husband act like he suspects something? It seems you are afraid to be on your own do you have a few children and a career? Sorry so many questions I am wondering these things and trying to understand.

[Flagirl2]

I am wondering how would you feel if your husband was cheating you said sometimes you wish he would find someone else. You are cake eating and at one point you need to make a choice. What are you going to do if or when you get caught? Does your husband act like he suspects something? It seems you are afraid to be on your own do you have a few children and a career? Sorry so many questions I am wondering these things and trying to understand.

 

Scatterd, no problem about the questions. I appreciate all input. My H does not act like he suspects anything. I have 3 children. Two grown and one 10 years old. Yes, I have a career.

 

I don't think I am cake eating, only because I do not give my H any type of real relationship. It's hard to explain. We are like roommates. I think we both have just accepted that.

[Artie Lang]

This IS cake eating.

 

totally agree.

[scatterd]

Sounds like you both are stuck in a rut. We do need emotional understanding, conversations, and romance. MC can help with that but if you have no hope and lost feelings you do not have much to go on. Affairs are addicting your feelings are intensified by the secret and you are both seeing each other at their best. When you are able to have a real relationship with OM and you do not have to lie, the relationship will change. The newness wears off and you are seeing each other with hair messed up in the morning, bad breath, cleaning, etc.The fantasy will be over Both of you are in what we call an affair fog. You see each other with rose colored glasses. After being together a while it could end upbeing worse then what you were in. Until you have come clean and see it for what it is you will continue to have unrealistic feelings. Take time away from him to see things more clearly.

[Flagirl2]

See everything you've written here? ^^^^^^

 

You are one of those typical lust-craving and bored-at-home WS's that will not "get it" until a Dday happens and your BS files for or threatens divorce or leaves you. Then you will beg and plead your BS not to leave you because you will have "seen the light" once faced with the reality of losing your "decent man."

 

And if your BS doesn't take you back after Dday and/or you divorce, you will then be faced with the reality that your MM will never follow your lead and divorce his wife.

 

This exact thing happens time and time again on the various boards.

THIS is why people cake eat. THIS is why YOU are cake eating. Don't fool yourself.

 

Alice, I do not see myself at a "bored-at-home" WS. We are roommates. We have no physical intimacy. It has been like that for years. Due to both of us giving up. Yes, maybe i do crave some level of intimacy. Don't we all? I guess I need to work on myself. Which I do not have a problem doing at all. I get that. I just don't know how to stop the A right now. We work together. He thinks we are happy. It would be like dropping a bomb on him at this point.

[Flagirl2]

Sounds like you both are stuck in a rut. We do need emotional understanding, conversations, and romance. MC can help with that but if you have no hope and lost feelings you do not have much to go on. Affairs are addicting your feelings are intensified by the secret and you are both seeing each other at their best. When you are able to have a real relationship with OM and you do not have to lie, the relationship will change. The newness wears off and you are seeing each other with hair messed up in the morning, bad breath, cleaning, etc.The fantasy will be over Both of you are in what we call an affair fog. You see each other with rose colored glasses. After being together a while it could end upbeing worse then what you were in. Until you have come clean and see it for what it is you will continue to have unrealistic feelings. Take time away from him to see things more clearly.

 

Thanks you, scatterd, you again have given me something to think about in a kind way. I appreciate your guidance and input.

[Artie Lang]

It has been like that for years. Due to both of us giving up.

 

then why didn't you just walk away? why are you still in the marriage, today. it's a sham and you know it!

 

 

I just don't know how to stop the A right now. We work together.

 

precisely why you've been called out on your cake-eating, as this is what it is. you're carrying on a sham of a marriage for security, while enjoying the fruits of your love affair with another man. how is this NOT cake-eating???

[jwi71]

I am being unfair to my H. Yet, I don't want to hurt him. That is why I stay. I know he wouldn't be shocked to his core if I told him I was leaving, but he would be devastated, which I do not understand as he has given up on making things better as well. He is a good man, with a kind heart who deserves someone to give him more than I can. I just do not want to hurt him. Sometimes, I almost wish he would find someone else. I Hope for that. It's the coward in me.

 

Why would you're H be devastated here?

There is no intimacy here physical or otherwise.

You live like roommates with no real affection.

 

How would that loss of nothing really be devastating?

 

Instead, while shocked and shaken (at change not loss of you) I'm sure he'll recover and move on. Perhaps he can find a W with whom he can have a fuller M. And you are free to pursue your MOM.

 

Or be alone.

 

In any case, you wouldn't be in a loveless M.

You wouldn't be modeling some really poor behaviors to your ten year old.

You wouldn't be merely content in life - but really, you don't sound content at all.

 

You've lost weight.

You are obsessive about MOM.

You are distanced from your own children.

You feel anxious.

 

A's are inherently unhealthy. Yours particularly so.

 

The A only provides you a sense of the normalcy and intimacy you want and deserve. Like a drug addict getting a fix. It's really just an illusion though. Look at how it's affecting you, your children and your career. Overall, it seems to be a huge negative with flashes of positive. And that it so very unhealthy. Hell, it's pushed you to post online seeking help.

 

Happy healthy R's don't require this.

 

I have no idea which life should pick, which man, which potential.

But I DO know this A is very bad for you. You're a wreck. And unnecessarily so.

 

Here's another question for you.

You have posted how thoughts of ending the A make you physically ill. What are you getting from the A (hints above) that it's loss brings out this reaction?

 

You have also posted that you are uncertain that leaving your H is a good idea.

Why?

 

You are at, likely past, an inflection point.

You must choose one life, one man over the other.

 

Except really, that isn't the issue at all...think about how choosing one man over the other is NOT the issue. It may lead you somewhere.

 

Many have opined on your IC. I have refrained till now.

An IC has the legal, moral and ethical duty to HELP you navigate "issues".

I do NOT believe your IC is succeeding.

 

If IC's patient loses weight, reports anxiety and physical ailments resulting from an A - I find it mystifying that the IC would counsel you to CONTINUE that behavior. Whatever positives it may bring are negated by the threats to your physical and clearly mental health. At best, that treatment course is ineffective.

 

I would URGE you to seek an alternative treatment provider.

[2sure]

 

..... I say I would leave my marriage tomorrow. But I know I won't. I just tell him that. He says he is working on leaving his marriage. Which I actually believe that is true. I have seen the "progress" he has made.

 

I cant help but feel bad for you, in that you are living a lie on all fronts.

 

..... When I saw her, I was physically ill. I had lost about 30 pounds and was skin and bones. She was concerned about my physical health so thought the A happiness kept me eating.

 

I think it is just tragic that a professional saw a physically ill woman who had lost 30 pounds she was so ill...and told you to keep doing what you were doing.

 

I hope and pray every single day for something to get me out of this mess. I cry every day and then come to work and act as happy as I can be for him....

 

Clearly you know that its the lies that are making you depressed, sick, and unhappy. Lies to your husband, your family & your friends, your co workers. Lies to MM. Lies that you are leaving but are not.

 

Lies like this, to this extent...its an impossible way to live.

And its also impossible to imagine that you and MM can leave your spouses with no consequences. People divorce every day. Families adjust and spouses go on. You are in no shape to be making decisions for other people ...

 

Since you are no longer present in your marriage, your H seems to have checked out as well ..and you do not want the consequences that will result in being with MM....

 

Sweetie...you gotta leave. You gotta leave it all. Get a divorce and change your job. The money isnt worth it. Your husbands temporary discomfort isnt worth it.

 

This is your Life. One Life. You want to spend it both telling lies to everyone AND Being a victim?

[scatterd]

You have gotten so much good advise here. I hope you think about this and use the tools you are given here. The decision is ultimately up to you. Free your self from all these lies they are making you ill. Once you have let this out you will begin to heal. Good Luck:bunny:

[Flagirl2]

I have gotten some great advice here, that is for sure. I want to thank you all.

[Flagirl2]

Why would you're H be devastated here? I think he is content with the status quo. He never says anything about anything. I think he has just accepted that the way things are, are the way things are.

There is no intimacy here physical or otherwise.

You live like roommates with no real affection.

 

How would that loss of nothing really be devastating? I think he would be devastated to start anew. He is in a rut, for sure, as well. I think he does love. I just think he doesn't know how to make anything better.

 

Instead, while shocked and shaken (at change not loss of you) I'm sure he'll recover and move on. Perhaps he can find a W with whom he can have a fuller M. And you are free to pursue your MOM.

 

Or be alone.

 

In any case, you wouldn't be in a loveless M.

You wouldn't be modeling some really poor behaviors to your ten year old.

You wouldn't be merely content in life - but really, you don't sound content at all.

 

You've lost weight.

You are obsessive about MOM.

You are distanced from your own children.

You feel anxious.

 

A's are inherently unhealthy. Yours particularly so.

 

The A only provides you a sense of the normalcy and intimacy you want and deserve. Like a drug addict getting a fix. It's really just an illusion though. Look at how it's affecting you, your children and your career. Overall, it seems to be a huge negative with flashes of positive. And that it so very unhealthy. Hell, it's pushed you to post online seeking help.

 

Happy healthy R's don't require this.

 

I have no idea which life should pick, which man, which potential.

But I DO know this A is very bad for you. You're a wreck. And unnecessarily so.

 

Here's another question for you.

You have posted how thoughts of ending the A make you physically ill. What are you getting from the A (hints above) that it's loss brings out this reaction?

 

You have also posted that you are uncertain that leaving your H is a good idea.

Why? Because he is a good man. I know he is a kind man. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me ever purposely.

 

You are at, likely past, an inflection point.

You must choose one life, one man over the other.

 

Except really, that isn't the issue at all...think about how choosing one man over the other is NOT the issue. It may lead you somewhere.

 

Many have opined on your IC. I have refrained till now.

An IC has the legal, moral and ethical duty to HELP you navigate "issues".

I do NOT believe your IC is succeeding.

 

If IC's patient loses weight, reports anxiety and physical ailments resulting from an A - I find it mystifying that the IC would counsel you to CONTINUE that behavior. Whatever positives it may bring are negated by the threats to your physical and clearly mental health. At best, that treatment course is ineffective.

 

I would URGE you to seek an alternative treatment provider.

 

You pose a lot of great questions and insights. I have thought about an alternative treatment provider. I even looked into one. Maybe I should look harder. The last one kind of scared me off.

[mercy]

 

 

 

I think it is just tragic that a professional saw a physically ill woman who had lost 30 pounds she was so ill...and told you to keep doing what you were doing.

 

 

I agree I find that despicable. You guide them away from that which is causing the problem. You don't say, yes, do exactly what you're doing. Ridiculous.

 

OP, just something to think about - what would bring you peace?

 

2sure made the post, not Flagirl2.

Edited August 8, 2012 by mercy
wrong quote

[Flagirl2]

 

I agree I find that despicable. You guide them away from that which is causing the problem. You don't say, yes, do exactly what you're doing. Ridiculous.

 

OP, just something to think about - what would bring you peace?

 

2sure made the post, not Flagirl2.

 

What would bring me peace? That is a good question. As selfish as this sounds and this is being completely selfish ( i do know that): If my AP would leave our place of employment and go and work somewhere else. I cannot make decisions with him here. At least clear ones.

[2sure]

Yes, I can see where that would bring you some peace.

Is anything remotely like that going to happen? Even if you ask him or tell him that your emotional wellbeing depends on it...will he leave his job?

 

Nope. And thats OK because thats his choice.

 

So...what could bring you some peace that is a realistic thing to figure out? What can bring you peace that is not dependent upon the actions of others that you cannot control? What can you do yourself to create some peace in yourself?

 

I know, I know, your options are obvious. But they are hard. So What? You really going to tell me that the the only way for you to have Peace in your life is for someone else to create it?

 

No.

[mercy]

 

What would bring me peace? That is a good question. As selfish as this sounds and this is being completely selfish ( i do know that): If my AP would leave our place of employment and go and work somewhere else. I cannot make decisions with him here. At least clear ones.

 

And why couldn't that happen?

[mercy]

Yes, I can see where that would bring you some peace.

Is anything remotely like that going to happen? Even if you ask him or tell him that your emotional wellbeing depends on it...will he leave his job?

 

Nope. And thats OK because thats his choice.

 

So...what could bring you some peace that is a realistic thing to figure out? What can bring you peace that is not dependent upon the actions of others that you cannot control? What can you do yourself to create some peace in yourself?

 

I know, I know, your options are obvious. But they are hard. So What? You really going to tell me that the the only way for you to have Peace in your life is for someone else to create it?

 

No.

 

Exactly.

 

You get a lot of truth out of a person when they answer this way.

 

Focus just on you. Not others.

[plethora]

I agree with some of the other posters that you need a bit of peace. You need space to decide what you want - at the moment you are constantly with and in the 'space' of one or the other, home with H and work with MOM.

Any chance you could take a day + night away alone? Visit a friend/relative if not? Not ness to talk to, just to be in space that isn't linked to either.

[Flagirl2]

I agree with some of the other posters that you need a bit of peace. You need space to decide what you want - at the moment you are constantly with and in the 'space' of one or the other, home with H and work with MOM.

Any chance you could take a day + night away alone? Visit a friend/relative if not? Not ness to talk to, just to be in space that isn't linked to either.

 

There are a lot of days I want to call in sick. Just to be alone. But that is a no-no in our relationship. We tell each other where we are, where we are going, when we will be in, if we leave early, what time we are leaving. I talk to him more than anyone else. We talk 8 to 9 hours a day at work, basically, have about a 2 hour reprieve when we get home for dinner, etc., then we talk at least another 2 hours before bed. If I just didn't show up one day without an explanation, he would be upset. And any explanation I could give him, he would be upset. We are supposed to be here, at work, as much as we can.

 

After writing that, and rereading that, I'm just plain exhausted.