he told bf our 1 time had been 1 year!

[mmw1106]

Hi,

 

Firstly I can understand that I will be judged for this but really would just like honest advice and not your opinions of how much of a bad person I am because I'm not.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me after 6 and a half years. This was about 3 weeks ago. Basically a little over a year ago, I slept with a guy from work behind his back, instantly felt guilty and that weekend when I saw him tried to tell him. Instead of telling him (cowardly i know) I tried to end things with him explaining we'd fallen into a rut, which was true, because I felt so bad and thought he could move on and find someone better. However he broke down and explained that we should just try harder for the sake of 5 years and that most people fell into ruts. I agreed and we continued the relationship.

 

In the meantime, I returned to work and explained to this guy that I'd made a mistake and we should no longer speak. This fell on deaf ears and he started obsessing over me, texting, calling, making it difficult for me to work with him. Anyway, I contacted my area manager and requested a transfer to another store, and was moved 1 month later. As soon as I moved, I was bombarded with angry phone calls and texts, flowers sent to my work. If I ignored him he would come into my new work and confront me. I told him I was changing my number and he said if I did he would tell my boyfriend not only that we'd slept together. One day I even got a call from a colleague from my old store asking if I would meet her for coffee as she needed to speak to me. When I met her she explained that this guy had now been telling everybody we were in a relationship and would tell people 'our plans' for the weekend :s. When I confronted him he denied this. Anyway this kind of behaviour continued for 1 year until last month I finally snapped and decided to call his bluff! 'Right tell him what you want, I dont care anymore!!!' So, he did just that.

 

The problem was, instead of just going directly to my boyfriend, he found his best friend on facebook and contacted him. This is what he said:

 

*That we'd been in a RELATIONSHIP for 1 year.

*He knew nothing about my boyfriend and that he was so shocked to find out that I had one!

 

My boyfriend rang me, said he knew everything and when I tried to tell him it was 95% lies but I had slept with him he cut me off and put the phone down.

I've spoken to his mum who has been so understanding and said she understands people make mistakes and that he will probably eventually hear me out. I have mentioned in a text that I did sleep with him once and that was it, I've apologised and asked if I can come round to tell him the truth. At first he was open to the idea and even said he may forgive me. A few days later, it was like something snapped and he text me saying no I cant forgive you and I cant hear you out. I havent bombarded him, I've apologised and sent a few texts but have been advised to give him space.

 

After speaking to his mum I've learned that he has completely shut off, hasnt cried just goes to work comes home and is basically acting like a zombie. if his mum mentions me he switches off. Its like I never existed! Plus all his friends know so this will have affected his pride massively. I'm just concerned that by shutting off he isnt dealing with this and by not seeing me he isnt prepared to even try to forgive me (which I deserve i know). However I cant walk away from this knowing I havent tried my best. if i go round i know he wont answer the door. I wrote him a letter but he threw it away. It's like at first he was willing to hear me out and now he is just so angry that he cant.

 

What I'd like to ask is can anyone offer any advice as to how i could get him to speak to me. This is all I want, if he isn't prepared to forgive me then at least I can walk away knowing I tried everything and have told him the truth. I just think if he lets some emotion out he may even consider trying again but not whilst he has put this wall up.

 

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Thank you.x

[CarrieT]

He needs time to heal on his own terms, not yours. You can't force him to listen and learn any sooner than he is ready to...

 

You can hope that he listens to his Mum but in the meantime, all you can do is leave your door open when/if he contacts you but don't get too worked up if you don't hear back from him soon.

[TG1]

He needs time to heal on his own terms, not yours. You can't force him to listen and learn any sooner than he is ready to...

 

You can hope that he listens to his Mum but in the meantime, all you can do is leave your door open when/if he contacts you but don't get too worked up if you don't hear back from him soon.

 

It seems that you find yourself at quite the impass, but if you love your boyfriend that much, you need to give him time and space and all you have to do is tell him that you love him, you still do and that hasn't changed and that you will do whatever you have to do for him to take you back but respect that he needs time and space

[mmw1106]

Thanks for your replies. The only thing I'm concerned about is that he has held his emotions back and hasn't dealt with them. if he just opened up (not necessarily to me) I think he would feel differently. Its like hes shut me off as if I never existed. Normally at the beginning of a break up there is a big outburst, (shouting, crying, why did you do it?) then the person who has been hurt usually goes away to think. In my situation, we havent even had that. it was basically a brief phone call, a few texts and now nothing. Just feel hopeless

[mark982]

really don't matter if it was the 1 time or the lies that it was a year,YOU still cheated.

[CarrieT]

Normally at the beginning of a break up there is a big outburst, (shouting, crying, why did you do it?) then the person who has been hurt usually goes away to think.

 

Not everyone has the same reactions and many people shut down to internalize and deal with their pain. There is no "normal" in how people deal with deception and the end of a relationship.

 

Again, stop projecting what you think he should be doing and feeling.

 

As Alex said, worry about your own problems first.

[futal]

File a complaint and/or restraining order against the guy for harassment. Your job must have a policy on this. You had to transfer because of him. And you got text messages and FB posts of him lying.

[drifter777]

Thanks for your replies. The only thing I'm concerned about is that he has held his emotions back and hasn't dealt with them. if he just opened up (not necessarily to me) I think he would feel differently. Its like hes shut me off as if I never existed. Normally at the beginning of a break up there is a big outburst, (shouting, crying, why did you do it?) then the person who has been hurt usually goes away to think. In my situation, we havent even had that. it was basically a brief phone call, a few texts and now nothing. Just feel hopeless

 

His shutting down is his business; it's his way of dealing right now. I was the same way when I was young and it worked for me in that I was able to move forward from a failed relationship much easier than dragging it out with drama. Right now you are dead to him and he is mourning in his own way. Leave him alone. Move on yourself. Life is too short to spend it on a failed relationship.

[TG1]

His shutting down is his business; it's his way of dealing right now. I was the same way when I was young and it worked for me in that I was able to move forward from a failed relationship much easier than dragging it out with drama. Right now you are dead to him and he is mourning in his own way. Leave him alone. Move on yourself. Life is too short to spend it on a failed relationship.

 

Yes I generally shut down too whenever I deal with my problems, and your boyfriend is the same, so I would say leave him alone for now

[changchewsoon]

I'm sorry to hear what happened, but the fact is that YOU CHEATED.

 

So the ball is on his court now, and that poor guy had to find out the hard way. I can't possibly imagine what is he going through now.

 

He shutting down is his way of dealing things, which is the same for me as well. Whenever I needed to deal with things, until it is being dealt with I tend to shut down too.

 

Right now, you really need to give him space and work on yourself.

 

I am not judging you for cheating, because the relationship must have not been a fulfilling one which caused you to stray. However, it is still not an excuse to cheat.

 

At the same time, I would suggest you figure out a way to deal with this guy that has been going around spreading lies about you. If he continues to do so, I would imagine that it would prolong the healing process of your current boyfriend.

 

Maybe giving him a taste of his own medicine is not the best way as we do not want to stoop to his level. However, I can't think of any other way to make him stop.

 

But either way, he needs to be handled.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You need to realize that you let your BF find out through a best friend on Facebook that you had cheated on him with some guy at work who said you were together for a year.

 

You basically lied from his perspective for one whole year...how in the world could he believe a single thing you say after one year of not knowing the truth? how does he know you aren't lying about something else important?

 

Of course he's shut down and turned himself off emotionally...he feels absolutely burned and crushed, he vents to himself and represses all these emotions to help deal with the ego and pride hit...he just keeps repeating things in his head over and over and imagining you cheating on him...his mind goes crazy with ideas and just doesn't know how to feel, he's unsettled and all over the place with his emotions...one minute he hates you the next he wants you back but ultimately he's likely enraged/upset/profoundly hurt.

 

I realize that you don't want to lose the relationship but you need to understand this is a big deal to him so It's going to take him time to process all of this and his emotions. The fact that you cheated indicates that you were emotionally withdrawing from the relationship...yet now you are trying to to rebuild what you had in the past...now it's just becoming a chase to secure the relationship and you have something to fight for because he's pushing you away...and now you're being typical in trying to do all these grand gestures to try and win him back....It's too late to apologize, the damage has been done, nothing you do now makes up for the fact of what you did from his perspective.

 

I'm sure he feels entitled to you to suffer, I'm sure he doesn't feel much sympathy for you for doing this. From your stand-point however you need to take a realistic look at this relationship and determine If what you're fighting for right now is really worth it. Your relationship was so much on the decline that you decided it was time to cheat instead of end it...do you think that just goes away?

 

I'm not condemning you for cheating..that would be hypocritical of me I'm just trying to get you to understand the situation and how impulsively you are reacting.

 

My advice would be to back-off and give him some time to process this and maybe throw out a line every now and again just to let him know you are still there If you're really that interested in continuing but never pressuring him just showing him that the door is open for communication. It sucks to be cheated on, It's a lot easier to cheat and say you're sorry then be on the other end and have to deal with emotional betrayal...one person gets a stab through the heart while the other tries to empathize with the emotions that someone is going through that really has no way to connect and understand because you're not there right now where he is, you don't know what he feels like or how to feel that...you realize what you did was wrong but he's paying the emotional consequences and it would be foolish of you to think you are paying anywhere near the same price.

 

If not move on...be brave enough to say that you wanted out of the relationship, tell him the truth and most importantly be honest with yourself...this doesn't mean your relationship is going to magically work, more than likely it's not and you're going to have to waste even more years while you try to rebuild the trust but never can...and you'll just fight all the time, you've already burned an emotional bridge that cannot be rebuilt right now...If even ever.

[road]

First mistake is that you cheated, second that you lied about the reason to break up, third attempted recovery under a lie, fourth you let a nut job stalk you without getting a RO, fifth you gave a stalker a dare to tell.

 

The first person that tells the story is usually believed no matter what is said afterwards by the second person.