womaninlove Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 Hello beautiful people . I apologize for what I know will be a long post. My husband and I started dating 6 years ago, 5 of which we spent living in different states due to unavoidable familial and professional constraints. I once kissed another man when I was drunk (the alcohol is no excuse), regretted it immediately, told him and we went through a few months of hell but eventually overcame it, emerged stronger, closer. Besides that I have been completely faithful, and as far as I know, so has he. We had many other issues, such as his dishonesty about money, me going into depression and his lack of support during that time, him being interested in another woman (choosing not to act on it though), him being emotionally abusive at times etc., etc. He hurt me terribly and I ended it with him because it seemed like he would never change. He was shattered and miserable, but understood why. I should mention that he was the only man I had ever had sex with. Three days after the break-up, I missed him, felt a gaping hole in my life and soul, was completely broken. That night I met a friend who had been interested me for a long time, and while I was pouring my heart out to him, he began to kiss me, take my clothes off and even though I didn't want to, I had sex with him. Well, sort of. 10 minutes into it I pushed him off and sent him home with an erection. He was understandably pretty annoyed and didn't speak to me after which is actually a huge blessing. It may sound like a messed up thing to do, but in my defense he knew throughout I wasn't into it, I even told him when we were naked that I missed and loved my (now) husband so much, that nobody else would make me feel the way he did, that I wasn't attracted to him (the friend). I woke up the next morning and knew that nobody except the first man I loved and slept with would ever make me happy, that any other body was alien and repulsive to me. Before that night I had always vaguely wondered if I was missing out on something by never experiencing other men (he slept with many other women before he met me) but now I know that nothing could compare to him, I will never want anyone else. I felt sick to the stomach and missed him more than ever. I have forgotten details of that night, remember no sensations, except a hollowness, physical and emotional pain (I wasn't even slightly aroused). I began to talk to him again, we started working through our issues, he changed for me immensely, I took him back six months later and a few months ago, we got married. I never told him about that night even though I really wanted to because he has always said he loves that the fact that he is the only man who has ever had sex with me. He admits that it sounds misogynistic but he can't stand the idea of someone else touching me and he doesn't know if things will ever be the same again if I was to have sex with someone else. I understand his sentiment, and actually like it. The guilt of this secret is eating me away. If I thought it was the right thing to do, I would tell him, even if it meant losing him. But I truly feel like he is the only man I've ever slept with. My mind and body remember no actual details of those 10 minutes - I was almost in shock and panic, and to be honest, if it wasn't for those 10 minutes, I would never have been certain that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But if I told him this, I don't know if he would believe me. I don't want to live a lie -I am truly against dishonesty in a marriage- but at the same time, saying I had sex with someone else is only true as a technicality. We are so happy together, I love him so much, and things are so perfect. I don't want to ruin it especially over those lousy 10 minutes that meant nothing, felt like nothing, and I don't even remember. Should I tell him about that night? Would you want to know in his place? Link to post Share on other sites
Kelemvor Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 I'm a guy. Don't tell him, and don't torture yourself over a situation such as you are describing. That meant nothing, and it would just needlessly cause discord in your newfound happy marriage. Congrats. Link to post Share on other sites
Author womaninlove Posted August 7, 2012 Author Share Posted August 7, 2012 Thank you so much for wading through this. I feel immensely relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
durentu Posted August 7, 2012 Share Posted August 7, 2012 There's only one way to absolve your guilt and not tell him. You make good on your promise for the future. In your moment of weakness you messed up. But you gained wisdom from it. Learning the correct lesson from a mistake is what life is about. Now it's on you. Make good on your promise, for the future and don't mess up again. You pay it forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelemvor Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Durentu... read through her post first.. Geez. She didn't mess up at all. She was technically completely and entirely single. The experience did absolutely nothing than re-affirm her feelings for her now husband. Everything happens for a reason, and I'd say that reason in this case... is what she learned from the experience, but I find nothing about her story anywhere near the unfaithful/infidelity ballpark. There's absolutely no reason to torture herself over a situation that probably helped bring her to to her newfound and happy marriage. womaninlove... Seriously, I find the fact that you are beating yourself up so much over this to be entirely touching... but it would be very cruel to tell your new husband. Yea, you guys were technically single, and yes that might have even been partly his fault, but guys don't do well imagining other men sleeping with "their woman". What you did isn't even remotely close to cheating or having an affair while married. Who knows, maybe the experience might even save you the temptation of even having an affair during a rough part of your marriage. Either way, it's water under the bridge and helped bring you to the place where you are today. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 This is one reason of many why people should not date right after a break up. However your BF deserves the truth. If this fact comes out years later. They usually do. You BF will feel that the whole relatioship has been rebuilt on lies. You must tell him what happened. Let him decide the level of knowledge that he needs to know. Be honest. Don't be brutal, which does not mean it is ok to be evasive, to mislead. Example: Did you have sex with OM: Yes Is a good answer Did you have sex with OM: Yes, and it was good Is a bad answer because BF did not ask for that much info Did you have sex with OM: Yes, it was the best sex ever Is a brutal answer You gave your BF more info then he asked for. Even if the BF asks was the sex good the best answer is the truth, if you liked it just answer with a yes. Again BF did not ask for brutal details. You have to wait for him to get specific enough. There is no need to do as I have seen other WW do where they volunteer how good the sex was, how much bigger the OM equipment was, how the OM could last an hour, and do that three times in a night, and the OM made me get very vocal. Then the WW wonders why she can't get her BH to want to have sex with her and if she gets him to it's now over fast and the sex is now worst then before the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) read through her post first.. Well if you do that, you can't help but come away sensing she was raped!! he began to kiss me, take my clothes off and even though I didn't want to, I had sex with him. Well, sort of. That is "non-consensual sex". OR, of course, she (told him she) wanted it and she's lying to us. Edited August 10, 2012 by SincereOnlineGuy Link to post Share on other sites
AlexCross Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 It was 3 days. Yes you were broken up but you still had another mans penis in you three days after this break up. I think you should tell him. That is just my opinion. And no, this does not qualify as rape. OP do you think you were raped? Maybe taken advantage of but certainly not raped. If you want to start clean and live an honest life in love with this man you should tell him. Let him make the decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author womaninlove Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) Thank you all so much for all the inputs and advice; you've really helped put things into perspective. Just being able to pour this story out has been a relief. I want to say that it was not rape and I didn't mean for it to sound like it was. Rape is not a word to be trifled with. I did not tell him I wanted it but I didn't tell him to stop until 10 minutes into it either. I did however keep telling him right from the start that I didn't really feel it, that I wasn't into and I suppose he kept hoping I'd feel differently as it progressed- can't really blame him for that. If I had categorically said "NO!" right in the beginning I'm sure he would have stopped so no, it wasn't rape. I do not, till this day, understand why I allowed it. I just felt too tired and unhappy and drained and hopeless to stop what was happening and so I put up with it as long as I could. The most regrettable moment of my life, not just because I know how much H would hate this, but also because I hated the entire episode. Very very very stupid . Rebound sex is the worst idea in the world folks. Edited August 11, 2012 by womaninlove Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Rebound sex is the worst idea in the world folks. I get used for rebound sex all the time... and "break" sex... and just booty call sex... It depends on who you get it from... Link to post Share on other sites
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