Girlfriend pushing limits of my jealousy

[over20]

So I've been dating this girl for three and a half years now, and although there have been some rough patches, I am happy with our relationship.

 

Recently, I had to leave for a long term assignment abroad for almost three months. We're in our early 20's, so we both like to go out and have fun at bars/clubs on the weekends. With me leaving and not being around, the topic of her going out without me came up. I really hate when other guys hit on my girl when I'm not around, so I wasn't too crazy about the idea. I've been hurt really bad in the past from a similar situation - my ex started going to parties when I was away, and she ended up cheating on me. This experience has has made me very protective, and probably a bit too jealous for my own good, but I can't really help it - I don't want to experience the same thing ever again.

 

So we talked about her going out with her girlfriends to bars/clubs when I'm not around, and although I am not too comfortable with it, I wasn't going to tell her she can't go out for three months. We set some rules so that we know what is expected - no getting too drunk so you stay in control, no grinding with other guys (just dancing with her girlfriends), no flirting with guys.

 

Fast forward to two months into my assignment abroad. My girlfriend contacts me and tells me this: She got hit on at a bar by an attractive guy, and talked to him at for a bit. She purposely avoided revealing information which would show she was in a relationship, because she "missed me and, she liked the attention, and it made her feel good about herself." She went as far as letting the guy buy her a drink, after which she tried to leave. When the guy asked for her number, she finally let him know she's taken. Apparently the guy didn't buy it and was persistent for a while, but she got away without anything else happening. She said she feels really guilty for doing it and is sorry.

 

Knowing she did this made me extremely uncomfortable, disappointed, and honestly pretty angry. I definitely appreciate that she contacted me and told me about it, and it is somewhat comforting to know she feels guilty about it, but it's not enough to allow me to just brush it off as nothing. She knows what happened with my ex, she knows I'm uncomfortable with her being out without me, and she agreed not to flirt with guys when she's out. Then she flirts with an attractive guy and lets him and buy her a drink, with the explanation being that she missed me and she liked getting attention.

 

Now I am worried because once I return next month, I will be around for about a month, and then I will be moving to a city about 6 hours away, so we will probably see each other once every two weeks or so. This means that she will be going out without me again later pretty regularly. And since I'll be away, she'll likely miss me and getting attention again, and I have no way of knowing if she'll act on it again or not. I feel like since she has done it once now, she might do it again. And maybe since she now knows how upset it made me, she won't tell me about it. And then she might keep doing that for a while, and eventually she'll let it get further and further until it leads to something worse...

 

I feel extremely insecure now, and because of my past experiences I can't shake the feeling that this is only the beginning of another terrible experience. I feel like ****, and I know that I am now going to be super paranoid whenever she goes out without me, and it's going to drive me crazy. What bothers me the most is that she purposely hid that she was taken to get the guy to keep talking to her and buy her the drink. She claims it was nothing, and that she just wanted a free drink and some attention, but I see it differently than her, and it bothers me.

 

What do I do? She feels bad about it and said she won't do it again, but her reassurance is not helping me. She told me she wouldn't flirt with guys, and broke that promise, so now it is hard to just take her word. Am I overreacting and getting too jealous because of my past? Is getting some attention by hiding she's taken and getting a drink from a guy not a big deal and I should get over my insecurities? Or am I right to feel upset and insecure? And if I'm right, what do I do so that I feel better since her reassurance is not working?

 

I could really need an outsider's opinion and some advice - thank you for any responses!

[pteromom]

Am I overreacting and getting too jealous because of my past? Is getting some attention by hiding she's taken and getting a drink from a guy not a big deal and I should get over my insecurities? Or am I right to feel upset and insecure? And if I'm right, what do I do so that I feel better since her reassurance is not working?

 

I could really need an outsider's opinion and some advice - thank you for any responses!

 

I won't tell you that what you feel is "right" or "wrong". *I* feel you are overreacting, but I don't think flirting is a big deal, so I have a different perspective than you do.

 

The fact is - sometimes regular conversation just evolves into flirting. The important thing is that your girlfriend was able to tell the guy she was in a relationship, say NO to giving out her number, walk away, and TELL YOU about it.

 

She could have easily cheated and you'd never know.

 

She could have easily not said anything to you, and you'd never know.

 

Instead, she felt guilty for flirting and came to you to confess something that really wasn't a big deal anyway.

 

So it sounds to me like she is trustworthy.

 

The question is - are you going to be able to get over your insecurities in order to continue a mostly LDR with her? If you are able to realize you have no control over what other guys do, but you know that your gf isn't going to cheat, then go forward.

 

If you know you are going to be spending your time worrying about what she's doing, a LDR isn't for you, and you should break it off and find someone you can have more control over... errr, time with.

[pteromom]

Unbelievable. The guy's girlfriend goes out for a few drinks, meets a guy, flirts with him, knows the guy is clearly interested, neglects to tell him she's in a relationship until the end so she can fleece him for free booze, but because she was so wonderful and came clean about it it's ok and you accuse him of being a control freak instead? Jesus Christ, now I can see why there's so many gender wars on here.

 

Yeah conversations can get flirty but you know as well as I do how it works in bars with people that age. She was in the wrong and she owned up to it, good for her but your snide controlling remark was a cheap shot. Did you miss the bit where he said he's been cheated on in the past and is a little insecure about it? I'm sure the bloke can fight his own battles but I couldn't let that slide without making comment.

 

LOL. Ok.

 

No cheap shot intended. Just the way I see it. I don't think he is a control freak - my point is that she seems to be an honest person, and if he can't get over his insecurities enough to trust her, maybe he needs someone he can monitor 24/7.

 

I know he's been cheated on in the past. Who hasn't? I understand that our past experiences color how we see the world, but at some point, you learn to let go of that which is out of your control.

 

What his gf does when she is away from him is out of his control. So his choices are:

- Stay with her and worry incessantly about what she's doing.

- Stay with her and trust her until she gives him a reason not to (and it's his choice whether what she's done crosses that line)

- Let her go, hold onto his insecurities, and try to find someone he can better monitor

- Let her go, get over his insecurities, and find a relationship built on mutual trust.

[FryFish]

You got trickle truthed...

[AH1990]

Part of me thinks that there is something missing from this story. Something she isn't telling you.

 

Basically all you did was give her a little slap on the wrist and told her not to do it again. So now she knows what she can get away with. I'd bet it will happen again.

 

Your choice what you do. Just be watchful for changes in emotions and contact from her. Sometimes cheaters (after they cheat) will go back to their partners and shower them with love that very same day. Kinda makes them feel more at ease with what they did.

[Balzac]

The way your story reads as to career relocations, six hours travel now the fact, how serious is this relationship? Early 20-somethings and LDR becomes a lifestyle? That to me is a big obstacle.

[Darren Steez]

Hahaha I love how the answers are slowly leading to suggestions of cheating!

Look this broad probably know this dude inside and out, she came clean to the guy, she didn't need to tell him at all,surely we all want open communication with our partners?

Look buddy you're already insecure and jealous, nothing wrong with flirting except if it hurts your partner, so if it's bothering that much just tell her to stop but then again if you're insecure then nothing is going to help and you're always going to have that nagging feeling, perhaps a relationship that is on shaky ground, and that is a problem.

 

Good luck

[Radu]

pteromom, your optimism is cute if nothing else.

 

OP, you have some right to start being paranoid, and here is why :

- you two have been together for 3.5yrs, if she was truly in love with you and saw you as the one to be with, she would not have liked flirting with this guy

- party girls don't make for great relationships.

Let me be accurate on this one.

Ppl who need to party, to go out constantly and drink to dance in the 'modern way' [simulated sex] are not serious ppl.

If she was a serious girl, she would have come out and said that she will stick with daytime meetings with her gf's, dress down for these ocasions.

This is single ppl behaviour, not the behaviour of someone in a relationship of 3.5yrs which by it's length alone is expected at some point to lead to marriage.

- as you rightfully pointed out, if she did this after 2months, what will she do when you are 6hs away ?

We both know what she might do, and what her boundaries are like.

If she continues to engage in single ppl behaviour it will lead to this.

 

As such, i think you have a right to worry; you also have a right to disengage yourself, prepare yourself if you will for the maybe eventual breakup.

You know, picture your life post-her.

 

That's all, if she is a girl that truly wants to be with you, she will not put herself in the future in harm's way, she will find a way for the two of you to be together.

This is a test you are administering, if she passes ... wife her.

If she doesn't, well ... you are young.

I hope i don't need to remind you to not tell her this is in fact a test.

[over20]

Thank you for everyone's input and advice, I really appreciate it!

 

Fats, I definitely see where you're coming from with suggesting that I bail out now, and if I didn't love this girl as much as I do I would probably follow that advice. But since we've been for quite a while, and I really do love her, I see this as not a major enough f*** up on her part to warrant breaking up with her. And thanks for sticking up for me when pteromom whipped out her control freak accusations, it shows you really payed attention to my whole story, and it's awesome that you didn't let someone skew it - I appreciate it a lot!

 

Pteromom, while I agree that her not letting it get farther than a free drink and then fessing up is a good sign, that alone can't convince me she is fully trustworthy. I trusted her not to flirt when she goes out, because that's what we agreed to mutually (I don't flirt when I'm out either, because she also said she wouldn't like it), and then she ended up breaking our agreement. While it's not the end of the world, of course, it's still concerning - if she breaks a promise now, who says she won't do it again, you know? And when it comes to flirting not being a big deal - I guess we have different ideas/values. In my opinion one's significant other should not flirt with strangers, even if there are no bad intentions. Not only because people who are taken should not be acting like they're single and giving attention of that nature to people other than their significant other, but also because it's messed up toward the stranger, who thinks he has a shot and is led on only to be used for a drink or dance and then discarded. Also, the control thing really was a cheap-shot. If I was such a control freak, I would tell her she's not allowed to go out without me, or something along those lines. I did not such thing, all we did is come up with some ground rules for -both- of us (as in for me when I go out too), so I don't see myself as controlling at all. Also, to your question "who hasn't been cheated on in the past" - before the last girl, I was never cheated on. And I very dearly miss the feeling of complete security and trust in a significant other, something that I don't think I'll ever fully get back.

 

AH1990, thanks for the advice. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that she's hiding something, since she fessed up. Why would she confess to one thing and hide something else? I feel that if she followed up getting the drink with something worse and she didn't want me to know, she would not have confessed to any part of it. Watching for changes in emotion is interesting advice, and your reasoning makes sense. I hope that I won't see such behavior, but thanks for the heads up.

 

Balzac, the distance is certainly going to be a challenge, but in a way I see it as a good test of the strength of our relationship. The 6 hour distance gap is not permanent, the assignment will last about a year. So it's not a permanent life-style - I would never want a permanent LDR, it really isn't for me.

 

Darren Steez, first of all, I don't think you shouldn't be calling people's girlfriends broads on this forum (unless they really deserve it). I assume you didn't mean anything by it and it's just a word you use loosely, but if I was less mature, I would probably just label you as an a** and completely ignore your advice. And if people start ignoring your advice, what's the point of wasting your time giving it? Just my two cents.

I agree that open communication is key, and that's what me and my girlfriend try to do. Her flirting with others does hurt me (and vice-versa), and she feels guilty and said she will not do it again. Now she just has to be honest and do it again. I hope that you're wrong that "nothing is going to help" when it comes to my insecurities - I didn't use to be this way, and I want to find a way to get over past betrayals and be able to feel secure and trust my girlfriend like I used to be able to.

 

Radu, I see where you're coming from with your first point - that's also something that bothers me. I don't have the urge to flirt when I'm out, and it's ****ty that she does. As to your second point, her acting like she's single at these places was also a major concern for me, which I voiced to her. She promised that she would dance only with her girlfriends and turn down any guy who wants to dance with her. She also always goes out in a group, so it's easier to avoid dancing with guys. This way, it's not really acting like she's single, per se. I would prefer if she did not put herself in situations where she has to keep fending guys off, but we both enjoy the bar/club scene for spending time with our friends, so I don't want to be controlling and tell her not to go. As long as she behaves while she's out it's cool, she's just making it hard for me to trust that she's behaving.

She claims she feels really bad about it and that she will not put herself in that situation again, so I think I will take your advice - take her word that she won't do it again, and see how it works while I disengage a bit. If she follows through with her promises to behave while she's out from now on, then great. If she doesn't and does something more serious, I'll probably seriously think about breaking it off, but then I'll be a more mentally prepared.

 

Once again, thanks for everyone's input!

[FryFish]

Why would she confess to one thing and hide something else? I feel that if she followed up getting the drink with something worse and she didn't want me to know, she would not have confessed to any part of it

Dude... this is the cheaters M.O. ... Confess to the lesser offense... Maybe it helps them feel like they are being honest... ish... I dont know, but I do know that I got the same line you got... and lots of people get... only to find out later that the confession was only to the tip of the iceberg...