Hobbit Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 So the missus (or now ex), the love of my life for 7 years, dumped me three weeks ago saying that she no longer loves me. She won’t explain why and won’t come to counseling with me. She basically says she can’t see future with me etc and is being really cold. Really hit me out of the blue, I genuinely thought we were happy. After the initial insanity, drinking and futile romantic gestures I am sort of coming to terms with this. Of course I want her back but I also want her to be happy, you can’t force someone to live a lie after all. The counselor has made me realize that I got too comfortable with our life, and that saying you love and appreciate someone is different that actually showing it. The stressor was probably recently I was told I was going to be made redundant, but you'd think she would have been there for me in my time of need. At least I’m addressing my problems and assume responsibility for my actions and am able to move forward, I still don’t know what she's thinking and I don’t think I'll ever. Surprisingly quick you might say after three weeks but my previous relationship ended with no explanation at all and I vowed that I would never to make the same stupid mistakes over any girl ever again (you know what I mean, drunken texting, calling twenty million times a day, crying like a bitch etc). Sooo, I am trying the no contact thing (by phone anyway), but am finding it difficult because we have a 2 year old together. I see him most days after work to read him a story before bed. Can anyone recommend the do and don’ts because all the info I’ve read on the net so far doesn’t take children into account. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 It's entirely different with kids involved, imo. Mostly because your feelings can't come first. More than anything, you want your child to feel secure and loved and that his/her parents are working together and on the same page and there for him. It's about preserving a sense of the family unit -- which is (hopefully) a place of unconditional love. A soft place to fall. So I'd commend you for getting outside help to handle your shock and grief and to deal with your larger life issues. In terms of dealing with your ex, NC is obviously always going to be impossible, so what you need to establish are NEW, HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Your interactions should be positive and friendly and upbeat -- it might take you a few months to pull this off, but it's something to shoot for. It's sort of like breaking up with someone you have to see every day at your job. You want to maintain that light professional demeanor and you basically have to shove your broken heart to the side. This is what a loving, responsible parent would do imo. Also -- give it time. It's taken me and my ex-H 8 years, but we're actually good friends now. We can take vacations with our son and usually text each other on a daily basis about mutual friends, tv shows and movies, pics of our son and his pets, stuff like that. Once you've both moved on romantically, it becomes much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hobbit Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 Holidays together? Really? Blimey! Does that not effect relationships with new partners? Your other points I will try, its just getting over the romantic feelings I have for her is going to be the biggest challenge. I still fancy her like mad, she looks the best she has done in years, and I still get goosebumps when she walks into a room. Love is really odd Link to post Share on other sites
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 i feel for you mate......luckily me and it, never had a kid together.... but i do have a 15 yr old daughter from way back...so i can relate... it's not easy Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Holidays together? Really? Blimey! Does that not effect relationships with new partners? Your other points I will try, its just getting over the romantic feelings I have for her is going to be the biggest challenge. I still fancy her like mad, she looks the best she has done in years, and I still get goosebumps when she walks into a room. Love is really odd Give it time. You're still in shock over the breakup. The goal right now is to try and keep your emotions in check and out of play whenever you're interacting with your ex-W and your child, just like you would at a job. But yeah, we can take vacations as a family, with other relatives along or just the three of us. Generally I want my ex-H and son go off and spend the majority of their time alone together (since I want them to have as much one-on-one time as possible), but sometimes I'll tag along for a dinner or a hike, things like that. I've never had issues with SOs being jealous because anyone I'm involved with knows our history and can plainly see there's nothing there on either end. It takes time, but you'll eventually create new relationships with your ex-W and your in-laws, even with your mutual friends who you used to socialize with as a couple. I'd also look for websites specifically about divorce recovery, as I'm sure there are LOTS of people going through the same struggles as you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hobbit Posted August 15, 2012 Author Share Posted August 15, 2012 4 weeks now and although Im strong / working on myself (getting a new job, learning to drive, hitting the gym etc) I still really want her back. No contact (other than with the children) is sort of working but I have so many things I want to say but cant to her face (because any relationship talk is a no no at this point). I want to give her space / freedom because I know for a fact that she's struggling to find her own identity beyond being mum, but I want to show her that I'll never neglect her emotionally ever again. I want to initiate a regular date nights (and no sex, just getting to know each other again) but now isnt the right time Arrrrgh, this is f***ing tough. I know there is no real answer about how long I should leave it? I worry that if I leave it too long she'll move on, which Ive accepted in my mind (afterall, I still want her to be happy) but ultimaltey I dont want to happen Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted August 15, 2012 Share Posted August 15, 2012 You can't go NC when children are involved. NC is used when both parties can walk away free and clear and never have to deal with each other again. In your case, due to a child, you're GOING to be in contact with this woman. In your case it will be considered LC - Limited Contact. That means when you HAVE to speak to her, you only speak about the child. You don't talk about the relationship, your current lives, your personal business, and you keep emotions and feelings out of it. You say what you each need to say and you hang up. Link to post Share on other sites
paperboy48 Posted August 15, 2012 Share Posted August 15, 2012 I'm in the same boat as you man....eight months since breakup from a 16 year relationship. Two kids involved, we have 50/50 custody. I am still in love with her, not the same on the other end. She looks better than she has since we were first dating... IMO It's a difficult thing to swallow man...try to keep that chin up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hobbit Posted August 15, 2012 Author Share Posted August 15, 2012 Sorry if I wasnt clear, I still see my son everyday whilst she goes to our mutual friends house I try to chat a little when she returns, but I get nothing but a blank face. @ Paperboy, same too. Since she hit the gym she's never looked better which makes it so much harder Link to post Share on other sites
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