A question for MMs and MWs who might be reading this

[suki1]

Out of interest, and I mean this in a completely non-judgmental way, what happens on your end when you get involved in an A? If you've been reading these threads then you can see what those of us on the other side of it go through, so what's it like for you? Do you go through the same great range of emotions that seem in most cases to become self-destructive or is it different for you? I've talked about the self-loathing I've felt even years later, is it the same for you? I imagine most of the manipulative MMs we talk about won't even know this place exists because they won't be looking for it. Not sure whether it's a pointless exercise asking these questions but it's something that I've thought about a lot and would really like to know

[Radagast]

Out of interest, and I mean this in a completely non-judgmental way, what happens on your end when you get involved in an A? If you've been reading these threads then you can see what those of us on the other side of it go through, so what's it like for you? Do you go through the same great range of emotions that seem in most cases to become self-destructive or is it different for you? I've talked about the self-loathing I've felt even years later, is it the same for you? I imagine most of the manipulative MMs we talk about won't even know this place exists because they won't be looking for it. Not sure whether it's a pointless exercise asking these questions but it's something that I've thought about a lot and would really like to know

 

I imagine the answer will be different for everybody, so my answer will probably not answer your real question, which I expect relates to what your own lover felt in relation to your affair. But for myself and my affair, many things happened.

 

There was confusion, when I found myself drawn to an affair having never even considered such a thing before throughout the marriage. The conflict between "doing the right thing" and continuing to push my own needs aside, and accepting the small taste of happiness offered to me. The guilt of admission that I did want to do it, that I craved the love, affection, intimacy and respect being offered me, that I wasn't as selfless as I'd forced myself to be for decades. The struggle of silence, which I lost. I could not keep the secret. I felt so happy, so alive, so fulfilled, I could not possibly keep it all to myself so I told. My father. My best friend. Other friends. Before long everyone knew, everyone except my (then) wife. Everyone knew, everyone was happy for me. I was happy for me.

 

And then I would wake up at night, the whole house sleeping, and walk past my (then) wife's bedroom and hear her snores, and realise I could not keep the two lives together much longer. I could not have my love, my happiness, my delight, and also this dark burden of duty holding me down like the anchor rope of an air balloon. I would walk past my children's bedrooms and hear them stirring in their sleep and worry. If I left, would their worlds implode again, like with the last separation? Would I damage them for good if I left their mother and she fell apart again? Would I escape my own guilt at not keeping my promise? The conflict consumed me, and I took my love's advice and went to see a counsellor. He helped me put the pieces together and do what I needed to do, and take responsibility for my own life and my own happiness and to free my ex-wife to do the same.

 

The conflict is gone, the doubt past, the confusion resolved. Occasionally when I see my ex-wife around town or hear from friends how badly things are going for her I feel bad, guilty, ashamed that I could not save her and that I failed to keep my promise. I know logically that no one can promise that, that no one can deliver that, but I still feel that since I did promise it I should have kept it, at those times. I hope that she'll be OK. My wife said I should not feel ashamed or embarrassed that I sometimes feel that, because I did care for her once.

 

My affair was many things to me, testing and rewarding. It changed my life forever, for the better, and I will always be grateful for that even though it was not how I would have chosen to reach the happiness I have found.

[suki1]

wow thank you for sharing that. That sounds like a really difficult thing to have to go through and completely different from other stories I've read on here and experienced myself that have all been about using someone or being used. You're right, I would love to know what happened from my MM's point of view, though obviously that would never happen and I doubt I'd believe him whatever he said anyway. It's good to hear that in the end you've come out happy and can clearly at least hold down a conversation with your ex if not be real friends.

[jwi71]

Just following up on what the others above have said - each WS acts for their own reasons.

And each A, while similar in the broadest of strokes, are all equally unique.

 

We can never truly know what another thinks and/or feels.

 

The better question, the one we CAN answer, is why we did we participate.

 

Go there.

 

While harder, scarier, uglier even, it pays far more dividends then wondering what the WS was thinking.

[sleepie]

I went through the same range of emotions. Self-loathing is something I live with daily.

 

It may be a little different for me, because my A was with a MM. I was a MW.

 

I felt guilt, anger, and disgust with myself throughout the whole A. I still feel that way, but at least I'm moving toward a better place now.

 

Why did I get involved in the A? Need for self validation. Need to feel attractive and wanted. Need to feel adored. Not just loved, but adored.

 

Why did I continue the A even though I felt guilty? Same needs as above, coupled with an addiction to the feelings.

 

Why did I end the A? Multiple reasons. XMOM stopped meeting my needs to a certain extent. My guilt and self-loathing was overwhelming. And I truly loved my H. I decided to stop being selfish.

 

Now I'm about 3-4 weeks into NC (probably a good thing that I don't even know exactly how long), and I still have moments when I think about xMOM. I wonder if he's thinking about me. Wonder if he misses me. Wonder if he's simply moved on and forgotten me, and I meant nothing. Whenever I wallow in that, I remember how to betrayed the man I love (my H), how he didn't deserve it, what a jerk I was, and how I should spend the rest of my life making it up to him.