wwwazzup Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I ran into a guy after 10 years of not seeing him whom i had a crush on back in highschool. I finally got the guts to tell him I "had" a crush on him. Ever since I told him this, we have been sexually active together. Of course those feelings I had with him all rushed back. My impression at first was that he was interested in me as well on the same level because of his questions, his effection in public and in front of his friends and so on. But just then last week he told me that he was planning on moving out of state and can't let any types of commitment get into his way of his goals. After telling me this, I broke down and expressed my feelings to him. All he said is that he just wanted to be "friends with benefits and doesn't want his emotions to open up" and "Why start anything when I'm planning on moving?" In his mind, he is determined to move, but is not 100% for sure when or even if he is going to. He did say that after I expressed my feelings towards him, that it made him to start thinking about his own feelings but didn't express how he felt, which I feel he has feelings, but can't express them. I told him I felt rejected and hurt because I don't want friends with benefits. I am the type of person who just doesn't have sex with anybody and that when I do have sex with someone, there are feeling behind the sex. I thought that FWB are friends that just has sex. But my experience with him feels like we are something more. He doesn't hide his effection towards me and we cuddle, hold hands and kiss in public and do whatever else people do in relationships. I feel like we are a couple but the words of dating and relationship isn't there, just the actions of dating and being in a relationship. I am very convinced that he feels the same way as I do for him, because actions speak louder then words and that he just can't admit to them. I do understand that he doesn't want to start anything because his goals of moving out of state and therefor he's trying to shut his feelings off. I'm very confused and don't know where to go from here. My friends are giving me mixed advice which is no big help. So far, he hasn't called me since we talked about my feelings last week, which makes me think I may have scared him off but he is a very busy person too. I know there are tons of guys out there, but this guy is totally different. I am falling very fast for this guy and I think he may have had a huge influence on my feelings because I think he led me on to believe there is something more because of his actions. Does anybody have any advice for me? I surely could use it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Hoo boy. I recognize and identify with TONS of your statements. Fact is, men just don't equate sex=love the way women do. So, you've been continuing to sleep with this man, hoping that he'd fall in love with you. (your whole story is like my own reason for coming here, with a few exceptions) Unfortunately, he hasn't. You've confessed your feelings, and he hasn't returned them. (SUCKS I know, trust me) The thing to do is stop the sex. No matter how much you want to be close with him, be strong and stop it. Physical affection is not the same as a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 PS-Leading you on might have been picking out paint colours together-hugging and kissing in public aren't (in my books) as he's not married, so he has no reason not to be physical with you in public, you know? The worst thing he's probably guilty of is taking advantage of this "crush"-a more honest person would have steered clear if they didn't want the other to develop feelings. But, he probably thinking with the brain in his pants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwwazzup Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 I've heard from many of my friends that if I do stop having sex with him, then he'll think that I'm not interested in him any longer and lose his feelings (whatever he feels) and that he'll go else where to get his fixes and possibly lose him as a friend. But on the other hand I've been at his side whenever he needed something (sex, etc.) and if I stop, maybe he'll realize what I was to him, which I know that when someone plays hard to get, it makes you want them even more. Other friends of mine said I should continue what we are doing, and eventually he'll start expressing his feelings. I do know he has feelings, I think he's turning them off now, because he just decided to move out of state last week and doesn't want to be torn when it is time for him to move. (at least that is what he told me.) Whatever I do, I don't want to lose this guy. In my opinion, he is my Mr. Right! Everything about him is what I've always wanted. I would even move with him, if he asked me to join him. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Oh man. I am very convinced that he feels the same way as I do for him, because actions speak louder then words and that he just can't admit to them. This? Is BS. He has told you point blank that he doesn't want a relationship. Sex does not equal love or feelings or anything -- it is just sex. I'm very confused and don't know where to go from here. You either accept that this is sex without nothing else, or you move on. Those are your choices. So far, he hasn't called me since we talked about my feelings last week, which makes me think I may have scared him off but he is a very busy person too. Shocker. He's not scared or busy. He's creeped out. He thought this was sex without strings, and you ruined that for him. I know there are tons of guys out there, but this guy is totally different. LOL. I am falling very fast for this guy and I think he may have had a huge influence on my feelings because I think he led me on to believe there is something more because of his actions. He didn't lead you on! He told you he wanted nothing more than friends with benefits! How is this leading you on? You need to listen to the words that are coming out of his mouth! I've heard from many of my friends that if I do stop having sex with him, then he'll think that I'm not interested in him any longer and lose his feelings (whatever he feels) and that he'll go else where to get his fixes and possibly lose him as a friend. This? Is stupid. You poured your heart out. He knows how you feel. If he feels the same, the door is open. However, based on his words, he does not feel the same. Don't keep having sex with this guy just because you think that'll want you more. It won't. He feels how he feels. But on the other hand I've been at his side whenever he needed something (sex, etc.) and if I stop, maybe he'll realize what I was to him, which I know that when someone plays hard to get, it makes you want them even more. Uh...no. This won't happen either. He's told you how he feels. He wants you to feel that way, too--that it's sex and nothing else. Other friends of mine said I should continue what we are doing, and eventually he'll start expressing his feelings. Doubtful. I do know he has feelings, I think he's turning them off now, because he just decided to move out of state last week and doesn't want to be torn when it is time for him to move. (at least that is what he told me.) Uh...no. He wants to be FWB. That's it. He's not turning any feelings off. He's told you how he feels. The question is, why aren't you listening? Why? I would even move with him, if he asked me to join him. Please don't hold your breath. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I do know he has feelings, I think he's turning them off now, because he just decided to move out of state last week and doesn't want to be torn when it is time for him to move. (at least that is what he told me.) Well, no you don't. He says he doesn't, you say he's fibbing. Unlikely. Because men can be this way: even if he did have feelings and realized it, he's made a decision and is unlikely to change his mind. He's chosen a course and doesn't want to lose face by turning back. He is determined to go - you'd be an obstacle. And, not trying to be mean, but next time if your heart's involved, don't have sex until his is too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Everything Clia has said is true. Whoever your friend is that is feeding you advice, stop listening to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wwwazzup Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 ok...ok...so no sex then!!! lol but my question now is this.... do i call him now to let him know that i understand where he is coming from and let him know that i will support whatever decision he makes and be a true friend to him and not a friend with benefits?? or do i wait for his call...the only thing is that before we had this talk, he hardly called me anyways. i was the one that did the phone calling to him. thats the only down-fall with this guy, he never calls anyone. (its not just me, cause all are friends tell me he never calls them either.) all i know is that i have spoiled his plans of BWF or scared him, and losing him is the last thing i want to do. i don't want him to think i'm some pyscho/desperate/stalker etc. trying to hunt his booty down that doesn't take no for a answer!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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