OnTheCusp77 Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=violet][/color] Hi everyone... I've spent the better part of an hour looking for some answers... and, while I've found some good advice, I still thought I would share my situation with everyone for some "unbiased feedback". So, here goes... My boyfriend and I met in December. After two dates we both knew we didn't want to date anyone else, so we made a pact to be exclusive. That went well... After a few months, we noticed a huge difference that needed to be worked out. I have 2 children, he has none. He's been married before, I have not (unless you count common-law). At the time we met, he was looking for the ONE, as was I. He said he wanted a family, kids... Of course, being a mother already, I wanted the same. So far so good? Not exactly. About 3 months into it He decided that he wasn't ready for kids... his own or anyone elses. And we broke up. After a week he called and asked me to dinner and a movie. We didn't make the movie, but still had dinner. On the way to the resaurant he begins talking. Saying things like, "I need to figure out what I'm doing... Before I screw it all up." I was confused. In the end, he told me that he went on a date with someone else... but while having dinner with her, he couldn't stop thinking about me and what we had together. He then said one of the most beautiful sentences I'd ever heard... "After that date with her I knew that I'd already found everything I'd been searching for." We started again, right where we left off. Then... disaster strikes. I had a miscarriage... and didn't even know we'd conceived. Needless to say, it hurt us both. Since then, our relationship has been so much stronger. We aren't ones to say "I love you" too often, so the other person doesn't become numb to those words that are supposed to mean so much. But, lately... it's been said more often, especially when it counts the most. Still, its not every day... He has asked me and the kids to move in with him... I want to, I really do. We already spend every weekend together, and a few weeknights, and I feel more at home with him (whether I actually "get his attention" or not...) than I feel anywhere else. Just knowing we're under the same roof, breathing the same air, makes it home. I'm scared of his earlier view on kids though... I can't help but wonder if this miscarriage experience opened his eyes to what was important, and what he wanted. He's got a wonderful job. He's stable... he has goals and always looks to the bigger and better. (Not materialistically) He and I share the same views on child-rearing... and when I need it, he always backs me up with my sons. He's everything I could ever ask for, and more. He's become my best friend. So... Am I overthinking our next step? Or do you think I have reason to worry about the issue of children... Especially since they'd be moving with me, into his place. Help!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I think it's most important to find out how your children feel about this. Why not set up dual residences where you can all live at both places, while allowing the children to retain their sense of home? That way, any changes will be gradual, natural and harbour no resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnTheCusp77 Posted July 14, 2004 Author Share Posted July 14, 2004 [color=violet][font=century gothic]The children love him. They say it to me daily... They ask to see him all the time... my youngest has even asked if he's going to be his step-dad. I tell him that I don't know that answer yet... Because, the fact is, I don't. Well, I do. He's all I could ask for... the one. But I'm patient, that step will happen when it's meant to, and not before. Thing is... I lost my job not long ago (Job market really stinks)... and had to give up my own place and move in with my parents (again!)... Now I got a new job in the fall, and I'm back on my feet - and its time to move. So when he offered, I'd been planning on moving into an apartment, but was still mid-research (I'd started looking in April, but I was waiting for the school year to end so I didn't uproot my Kindergartener) His reasons... save money for the purchase of a house instead of 2 of us tossing money in the trash on rent. And... Just a few minutes ago... He called to say that the apartment feels more like home with us there than when it's empty. I don't want anyone to get hurt... least of all the boys. They're the reason I didn't date for almost 4 years. Nobody deserved them. Now, I find myself expecting it... A friend says I should take the plunge. I'd love to... but is it the right thing to do?[/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Given that you have children, I don't think you should move in with him unless you are getting married. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? What if things don't work out? What if he freaks out after you all move in? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I would not move in with him yet. The cracks in relationships very often start to show at the six-month mark. If you make it several more months (I'd really suggest another three minimum and six ideally), then you probably have a good chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Originally posted by clia Given that you have children, I don't think you should move in with him unless you are getting married. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? What if things don't work out? What if he freaks out after you all move in? Nah, you don't have to get married to someone to live with them and have kids-moimeme has a great point-if he's the one, he'll understand that you want to take it slow and not rush things. Link to post Share on other sites
Jacksin Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 I agree with moimeme and Mr Spock, why rush things? You have the rest of your life ahead of you and a few months of settling into a relationship before you live together would be the wisest move. PS That pink text is awful hard to read Jack Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Work out the issues first, then make it legal. If he's that great a guy, and really is committed to you, that should be the natural progression of things. Link to post Share on other sites
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