bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 Hi. It's been years that I visited this site. Well my 4-year affair with a married man 15 years older than me ended over a year ago. And I thought I'm okay but now, right at this moment, I think I'm not. After the affair, everything has changed. I just realized my whole life is different now. I changed work right after the affair. I live now at a different place living a different lifestyle. I have more friends and quite into my career. But still at the end of the day, when I have no one to talk to. I still wish he's with me sharing happiness of my success. Well, I was the one to end the affair because of so much hurting and he agreed and he was gone. Just like that. I tried to still communicate with him months after I ended the A but he did not answer my calls or emails and I just grew tired following him. Actually, I don't know why. I want answers from him on questions I don't really have. I am seeing now a guy (single). Actually I thing we are dating. Over 4 months now. It is the first guy I dated after the affair. I like him but I don't love him. And I am just lost. Sometimes I feel safe that I don't love him. That it would never hurt me. Then I feel fear. Because it was also the thing I said in the beginning of the A. And If I will fall for him, like the MM, he would not commit with me. Actually, I just feel that men wants me. That's all. They would not want me as their GF. I don't think I'm not a kind of girl men want to be serious or committed to,, I apologize if my post is nonsense. I just want someone to talk to and to understand myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 You've only known him for four months and you're not sure if you're even dating!? Give him a chance. What are you looking for? The butterflies-in-your-tummy "love" (lust) right off the bat? In that case, you may as well go after another unavailable man if that's what you crave. Are you looking to break NC? Have these thoughts been happening since you met the new guy? In that case, there's many reasons why you'd be self-sabotoging. -I don't know. Maybe love . Or someone that will really care for me.. someone who will commit to me. Honestly, I am really giving him a chance or I may say myself a chance to be with someone or to trust someone.. But day after day, my fear grows that what if he's just seeing me as a short-term woman?? Or if my senses will fail me again like what happened before... -Nope.. I just met this guy after I decided to stop trying in communicating with the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 I think you are rushing yourself, you really haven't been in complete NC but for just a few months right? I think it takes at least a year, probably 2 years to really get yourself to a healthy place. Don't rush it. Also maybe you need to look up commitment phobia, I think some ow have this as a underlying issue and this causes them to hook up with mm. Go out, have fun, enjoy yourself but don't look for anything serious for a while. -Thanks. Actually it's a year now of NC. -I really been trying to have fun and enjoy but sometimes I feel lonely that I do not have special someone.. But maybe you are right. This is not yet the time for that. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 -Thanks. Actually it's a year now of NC. -I really been trying to have fun and enjoy but sometimes I feel lonely that I do not have special someone.. But maybe you are right. This is not yet the time for that. Thanks Whoa there...slow down. Stop rushing. You are still healing. Still mourning. Still hurting. It's all very natural. Let it run it's course. How long? Who knows? For me, it was I'd say three years. Wait, don't panic. Only 18 months of that was a crap fest. I dated. Prematurely. (cough,cough) Had ONS. F_ck buddies. Alone time. All part of the process. Then it ends. Just like that. Life is good again. Sun shines, birds chirp, children laugh.... Keep going. You'll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Thanks to all replies. It means a lot to me. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 Don't rush yourself to fall in love. You might not be having "those feelings" about this guy because he's not right for you, but that doesn't mean you won't have them again about someone else. You've been NC for a year. You did that for a reason. Honor the choices that the person you were a year ago made because she really committed to them. It's hard to be alone. I've spent lots of my life without someone to share it with. I did that by choice, but it still can be pretty lonely. This might be taken as frivilous advice.. but can you get a puppy? or a cat? You sound like you could do with some uncomplicated affection and something to snuggle with when you are lonely. Pets are great listeners when you need to vent and like to be hugged. Once you are feeling in a better place, stronger, you will find what you are looking for. Good luck. Be nice to yourself... the words I hear you saying to yourself aren't words you'd let someone say about a friend right? Why is it ok for you to say them about you? Thanks LFH. I really don't know. You're right. This loneliness is killing me. I will find distractions and just enjoy my life. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Happyface Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Hello Bubbles, You sound like a really lovely young woman who has a lot of intelligence and worth. Look at how much you have done with all the changes in your life. I know you are still feeling sad and lonely. I also think you are still healing. While you are in this process, it really isn't fair on anbody to rush into any new relationship. I cannot tell you how long that dreadful feeling of loss will last. It will dissipate with time. You are young and have your life ahead of you. Make the most of every moment, even if you are alone. Practice the art of being grateful for something each day. Happyface. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 Thanks Happyface. Yah so much had changed after the affair and it was good.. I mean far better when I'm having the affair. I hope I would get there fast (to be fully healed and moved on). Thank you very much. Link to post Share on other sites
EmptyHeartGirl Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I would agree with the others that you should take your time and not rush. You did write something that raised a flag "I am seeing now a guy (single). Actually I thing we are dating." If you are being intimate with him and you are unsure if you are even dating...that is something I would be concerned about. I do wish you the best as you try to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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