MMs who know how to push your button

[Mount]

Everytime I was mad something and complained about I was not satified with being his OW and sent him text msgs, he always did not reply and that made me very mad.

 

I guess he knows that, and might be trying to play mindgame or else. Although I thought I have strong willpower, and decided to go NC with him during last few time somehow I always caved by myself.

 

So have you had similar situation, and how do you usually "win" over these kind of situation - which means sticking with NC?

[jwi71]

Everytime I was mad something and complained about I was not satified with being his OW and sent him text msgs, he always did not reply and that made me very mad.

 

The silent treatment is very effective is it not?

Of course, its a two way street....

 

I guess he knows that, and might be trying to play mindgame or else. Although I thought I have strong willpower, and decided to go NC with him during last few time somehow I always caved by myself.

 

You contradict yourself.

How can you have strong willpower yet always cave?

If I, some random internet poster guy can pick that out, doubtless your MM can.

Which is why he gives you the silent treatment...time and again, you come back on your volition. All he has to do is wait.

That has got to be the mother of all ego boosts for him.

 

So have you had similar situation, and how do you usually "win" over these kind of situation - which means sticking with NC?

 

Block and delete his number, email, facebook and all.

NC will NOT work unless you want it to.

It isn't working for you because you are not wanting to end the A.

You have no power of the A rather it has power over you.

When you truly want it to end, you will end it. Until then, its just playing games.

[MourningLosses]

My MM is so passive aggressive. He knew that going silent would be the worst possible thing for me, and so that's what he did. To punish me I think for the fact when I tried to break up with him it was because of empathy with his wife. He was so hurt by that he had to get back at me by denying me what I really needed.

 

And ever since, not replying to me or delaying for weeks- it's his way to make me suffer. Of course now she won't let him reply at all and if he replies it is probably after days of fighting over what to write. But even before he knew how to hurt me by not replying. It was his defense mechanism against pain.

[Mount]

So you say so, guess NC is a power struggle between us and MMs, to see who can hold the breathe (slience) longer? Ideally if both can hold the breathe (a.k.a slience) then the NC is accomplished - A is broken off? But in reality it seems always someone breaks off first.

 

My post was asking, it seems that the MMs use the short time NC against OWs to gain their power to make OWs cave?

 

The silent treatment is very effective is it not?

Of course, its a two way street....

 

 

 

Block and delete his number, email, facebook and all.

NC will NOT work unless you want it to.

It isn't working for you because you are not wanting to end the A.

You have no power of the A rather it has power over you.

When you truly want it to end, you will end it. Until then, its just playing games.

[Mount]

Are we at same timezone? Tomorrow is Thursday...

 

 

Tomorrow is Friday . . . your usual playdate day.

If he's ignoring you, I'm sure tomorrow he will be the day he breaks his silence.

[Mount]

It is ok. I will try to break the cycle as much as I can......

 

Ooops sorry, not tomorrow. The day after.

[jwi71]

So you say so, guess NC is a power struggle between us and MMs, to see who can hold the breathe (slience) longer?

 

When I hear/see/read people talk about their R as a "power struggle"....its a game.

An unhealthy game to see who "wins"...Its your life and your choice Mount.

If you want to keep playing games, play them.

 

Ideally if both can hold the breathe (a.k.a slience) then the NC is accomplished - A is broken off? But in reality it seems always someone breaks off first.

 

A cycle that repeats (save for dday) until one party grows tired/weary/whatever of it.

Then it ends.

Because one party wants it to end - at that time, for that party, it no longer matters to contact or await contact. The silence becomes welcome, not "torture"

 

My post was asking, it seems that the MMs use the short time NC against OWs to gain their power to make OWs cave?

 

How did MM "make" you cave?

All he did was simply wait - heck, he didn't even contact you...so, how did he make you cave again?

Well, lets face it...he knows how to get to you - and does so.

Repeatedly.

And you allow it.

Encourage it even(by replying)

However, I bet he knows this. So, in essence, he is manipulating you playing off on your weakness instead of helping you overcome it.

 

Gotta say, I'd be right pizzed off if I knew my W was playing my fears against me - that's no partner - at least not a good one.

[Mount]

I just learnt the term "power struggle" from that reclaim baggage website. And of course Affair is unhealthy, that is for sure.

 

When I hear/see/read people talk about their R as a "power struggle"....its a game.

An unhealthy game to see who "wins"...Its your life and your choice Mount.

If you want to keep playing games, play them.

 

 

 

A cycle that repeats (save for dday) until one party grows tired/weary/whatever of it.

Then it ends.

Because one party wants it to end - at that time, for that party, it no longer matters to contact or await contact. The silence becomes welcome, not "torture"

 

 

 

How did MM "make" you cave?

All he did was simply wait - heck, he didn't even contact you...so, how did he make you cave again?

Well, lets face it...he knows how to get to you - and does so.

Repeatedly.

And you allow it.

Encourage it even(by replying)

However, I bet he knows this. So, in essence, he is manipulating you playing off on your weakness instead of helping you overcome it.

 

Gotta say, I'd be right pizzed off if I knew my W was playing my fears against me - that's no partner - at least not a good one.

[veryhappy]

Has anyone in the history of this website tried to have a NC buddy? It must be easier by having someone going through the same thing at the same time (especially if starting around the same time).

[Mount]

Basically what I did earlier this week is that I sent txt msgs to him stating that I am tired of being strung along, tired of being put the lowest low of someone's life, tired of not be treasured. Plus I am tired of his having other two female coworkers that he mentors (laving lunch...etc) or working closely with, although he said there is really nothing there and asked me to trust him.

 

I am just tired of this, and since the txt msgs sent, no responding from him either. So let us go silence both way then.

[Spark1111]

Mount, you are learning very important things about his character and the way he does....relationships.

 

As long as all is fun and light and you put no pressure or expectations on this man, he is all in.

 

But the minute you have a need you want HIM to fill, he runs for the hills; ignores you; punishes you with his silence and conflict avoidance.

 

Very, very passive agressive, dontcha think?

 

If you actually had a full-time committed relationship with this man, what makes you think he would change?

 

He won't. So what sort of partner would he be if you lived together day in and day out and had to negotiate life and a future?

 

He'd love you as long as you didn't bug him? As long as you continued to fulfill his needs, but you could never ask of him aything he didn't want to do?

 

Are you ok with that?

[Mount]

No, I am not ok with that. :bunny: So if he is going silence, so do I. Will see.

 

Mount, you are learning very important things about his character and the way he does....relationships.

 

As long as all is fun and light and you put no pressure or expectations on this man, he is all in.

 

But the minute you have a need you want HIM to fill, he runs for the hills; ignores you; punishes you with his silence and conflict avoidance.

 

Very, very passive agressive, dontcha think?

 

If you actually had a full-time committed relationship with this man, what makes you think he would change?

 

He won't. So what sort of partner would he be if you lived together day in and day out and had to negotiate life and a future?

 

He'd love you as long as you didn't bug him? As long as you continued to fulfill his needs, but you could never ask of him aything he didn't want to do?

 

Are you ok with that?

[Quiet Storm]

This is how MM train you. Most MM don't really care about you feel. They just want you to play your assigned role in his life happily, without complaint. Your feelings annoy him and he doesn't want to waste his time listening to them. So he figures he'll just wait until you get over it. By then, you'll miss him and feel so hurt that any attention from him will give you relief.

 

Sometimes it takes OW many times of going through this before she realizes that continued contact with him is only going to hurt her. You may not be there yet. You may have to have your feelings disregarded, minimized and ignored a few more times before you decide to protect yourself from him. And that's okay.

 

As adults, our parents are no longer following us around protecting us from mean and selfish people. We have to do that for ourselves. When we are hurt, ignored or lied to, it is up to us to remove ourselves from that situation.

 

If your neighbor has a dog that bites, don't stick your hand through the fence. If you do and get bit, it's easy to blame the dog, but you had prior knowledge of the dog's nature and must be accountable for your own safety. You know MMs nature, but what you do with that information is up to you.

 

Try to stay no contact. If you slip, that's okay, but realize that you just signed yourself up for more hurt and pain. Every contact will set you back. When this happens enough times, you'll realize that it just isn't worth it.

 

Love yourself, more than you love him.

[Mount]

That is what I did figure out, but again, I am not saying I am the master playing mindgame, the way the MM playing silence card will not be effective on me.

 

I have pointed out multiple times to him that he is very selfish, and he talked back with very manuiplated words..

 

Will see how mutual silence goes.

 

 

This is how MM train you. Most MM don't really care about you feel. They just want you to play your assigned role in his life happily, without complaint. Your feelings annoy him and he doesn't want to waste his time listening to them. So he figures he'll just wait until you get over it. By then, you'll miss him and feel so hurt that any attention from him will give you relief.

 

Sometimes it takes OW many times of going through this before she realizes that continued contact with him is only going to hurt her. You may not be there yet. You may have to have your feelings disregarded, minimized and ignored a few more times before you decide to protect yourself from him. And that's okay.

 

As adults, our parents are no longer following us around protecting us from mean and selfish people. We have to do that for ourselves. When we are hurt, ignored or lied to, it is up to us to remove ourselves from that situation.

 

If your neighbor has a dog that bites, don't stick your hand through the fence. If you do and get bit, it's easy to blame the dog, but you had prior knowledge of the dog's nature and must be accountable for your own safety. You know MMs nature, but what you do with that information is up to you.

 

Try to stay no contact. If you slip, that's okay, but realize that you just signed yourself up for more hurt and pain. Every contact will set you back. When this happens enough times, you'll realize that it just isn't worth it.

 

Love yourself, more than you love him.

[sleepie]

Everytime I was mad something and complained about I was not satified with being his OW and sent him text msgs, he always did not reply and that made me very mad.

 

I guess he knows that, and might be trying to play mindgame or else. Although I thought I have strong willpower, and decided to go NC with him during last few time somehow I always caved by myself.

 

So have you had similar situation, and how do you usually "win" over these kind of situation - which means sticking with NC?

 

I believe my xMOM used NC many times as a tool to manipulate me. To make me want him. To make me cry and plead and beg. (Ugh. I want to spew vomit when I think about it.)

 

NC is not about "winning." But if you want to look at it that way, there is only one way to "win." YOU have to want the A to be over. YOU have to want to be finished with it all. YOU have to make a firm decision and a commitment, and then you have to follow through with the actions that will get you there. And that means implementing and never breaking NC.

[Mount]

:cool: I never cry, plead or beg, that is just NOT me.

 

 

I believe my xMOM used NC many times as a tool to manipulate me. To make me want him. To make me cry and plead and beg. (Ugh. I want to spew vomit when I think about it.)

 

NC is not about "winning." But if you want to look at it that way, there is only one way to "win." YOU have to want the A to be over. YOU have to want to be finished with it all. YOU have to make a firm decision and a commitment, and then you have to follow through with the actions that will get you there. And that means implementing and never breaking NC.

[Mount]

Not really. I am totally fine and be comfortable with the current NC continues...

 

Again, as I said to WWI before, I am as honest as I am always being here.:o:o:o

 

And the truth is, I doubt the MM is going to go crazy if I continue NC which I will continue proceeding.

 

Very true.

 

If the OP's MM doesn't get in touch today for their weekly Friday playdate . . . by next Friday she'll be going crazy and ripping his clothes off.

 

He knows exactly what he's doing.

Keeping her in her place.

[Mount]

You can see from my previous multiple posts, as I was not sticking with NC rigidly - by my will, not the tricks from MM (I stated clearly in previous posts as well).

 

But now since his not responding my statement texts of complaining, which makes me want to stick with NC all along.

 

 

 

If you're totally fine with it, then why is the silent treatment (aka putting you in your place) bothering you?

[Mount]

Then I will lock him out as well, lock him out from my life forever.....

[Mount]

:rolleyes:I know....so will see...alright?

 

 

Right Mount . . . except that you keep saying that and then do the opposite.

[Mount]

Here comes the update - the MM sent the txt saying that "he knows I am feeling hurt...etc etc and I deserve someone 100%, so we probably should not see each other....and asked me not hate him...." then the classic lines that "he still loves me very much and he always will, there was never anyone else...."

 

I thought not replying but again I did reply simply with "I agree". As I said I am never kind of OW that would plead or beg, it is just not me. His txt meets my goal apparently as well.

 

Why no one gives me applause yet?

 

 

- END - ;);)

Edited August 10, 2012 by Mount

[Mount]

When looking back, the funny thing is that - the MM apparently seems to want to "get" the golden medal by winning the first position of sending ending A text msg, even though by me keeping silence all along already stands for ending A at my side as well.

 

People, are interesting...

[Mount]

But again, why I am so depressed now after he sent me that "he still loves me very much and will always do...and in order not to cause me further pain we probably should not see each other except for work" txt msg? Was because he "won" after our battle of keeping silence? He has to say the word first before me? Or he tried to use the txt to punish me?

[woinlove]

But again, why I am so depressed now after he sent me that "he still loves me very much and will always do...and in order not to cause me further pain we probably should not see each other except for work" txt msg? Was because he "won" after our battle of keeping silence? He has to say the word first before me? Or he tried to use the txt to punish me?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, Mount. I suspect you are depressed because a part of you wanted him to say he wants only you and will get divorced and do whatever he can to make that happen. Instead you get more of what was hurting you before, him saying words of love, but staying with his wife. That *is* depressing. Mourn the loss of not getting the love you want and need, know that MM did not and is not giving that to you, and resolve to move on to a happier place without him.

[Mount]

And I also hope this time he will truly let me go as I am letting him go as well, not just use the text msg to punish my last week slient treatment for him or not asking him again for the Friday "playdate" last week.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, Mount. I suspect you are depressed because a part of you wanted him to say he wants only you and will get divorced and do whatever he can to make that happen. Instead you get more of what was hurting you before, him saying words of love, but staying with his wife. That *is* depressing. Mourn the loss of not getting the love you want and need, know that MM did not and is not giving that to you, and resolve to move on to a happier place without him.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Mount