Borderline Personality Disorder?

[dreamingoftigers]

You are pretty uneducated about BPD and the treatment of it.

 

I'm not surprised that the person 'liking' this post believes that BPD people are "demon-possessed" (mentioned in another thread).

 

I'll go through it. Maybe we'll all learn something.

 

The DSM-IV and DMS-V, the whole industry, is a total scam and sham.

 

Okay....

Usually a leader dismissing a rather large community of scientists, psychiatrists, doctors and all other sort of medical advances leads to a deeper, more profound wisdom.

 

Oh wait, no, not usually but sometimes.

 

Accepting you have BPD is the beginning of simply not facing life and becoming an adult.

Life can be challenging and it takes restraint and faith to maintain your character wisely. This is why people go to church every week, to reflect and stay wise in their decisions.

 

Actually, accepting that I had BPD was the first moments of realizing "why" I was operating differently from others around me. It was realizing that I COULD function just like them. Do wonderful things like go to college, date, marry, have children without ending up in the hospital everytime a fight happened or a relationship didn't work out. Finding out that I had BPD lead to a series of more adult decisions for me to cure what was ailing me. That which well-meaning friends and family often denied in the hopes that "it was a phase" or that I "had low self-esteem."

 

Btw, I was a REGULAR church-goer and enthusiast. I had read the entire bible, read it regularly (practically daily) actually and prayed always at the time. Especially because a lot of days the anxiety got so bad I could barely put one foot in front of the other.

 

Seems like another "holier than thou" statement to suggest those that suffer are just "lazy, selfish, have no faith." God lead me exactly to where I needed to go. HE lead me toward help and understanding. He lead me out of the pain. Later on he gave me a daughter to be strong for. All I ever wanted after the painful perceptions in my youth was just a small, regular life with a little family. That's it. What God has given me was larger than just that. He gave me a family and many, many obstacles that required faith to get through. He's the only one that stayed in my darkest hours when I was completely alone. (as well as my dog, whom I am so grateful for).

 

I think part of why I had BPD was to be able to testify of HIM, not to cover my flaws and "play child" as you claim.

 

You are judgmental of those that suffer. Christ healed a good deal many of those that did. Just saying...

 

BPD is about identifying that you have been reacting badly to situations - usually adverse situations trigger it but also successes and fortuitous situations can trigger it.

 

Start taking a magic pill and think it is going to change the problems in your life then think again. The pills will change how you feel not how you behave with how you are feeling.

 

This is funny. In general the treatment for BPD isn't PILLS. In fact my mother requested pills for me and they very bluntly informed her that the treatments were CBT/DBT and later on my treatment was EMDR therapy.

 

SOMETIMES if a BPDr has a co-morbid condition, they will medicate THAT. like bi-polar, they may offer lithium to stabilize the brain. Etc.

 

In fact I was bluntly told that the pills available would either exacerbate my condition OR that because of the inpulsive issue with BPD I might become addicted to them. No thanks. I wasn't an addict and didn't want to rusk anything like that. Magic pills? Not at all!

 

People can act badly when they are happy - inconsiderate, arrogant, boastful, risk-taking.

 

People can act badly when they are sad - blame, tantrums.....

 

Its about being an adult. Admit that and then your life will begin.

Its about taking responsibility for YOURSELF in this jungle. Once you are taking responsibility for YOURSELF then you are cognizant always that you will be needing to take responsibility for any and every of your ACTIONS.

By accepting that you have BPD and taking a magic pill you are not taking responsibility for YOURSELF.

 

And when you can't control you nutty impulses on either end of the spectrum even though you see everyone around you able to do it seemingly effortlessly, then what? Sign up for a dose of shaming, like in this post?

 

And there are NO MAGIC PILLS. My ACTIONS were realizing that talk therapy/counseling WASN'T working. That just try and try would work 95% of the time until I got completely flooded with emotion to the point where I could NOT calm down and attempting suicide to make the pain end at any cost. Believing that it was so intense that it was worth never having to have it happen again.

 

Having BPD was feeling fresh grief EVERY DAY. And it wore me down. A basic understanding of the brain and it's functions would go far in explaining how essentially a lot of BPDs live off of adrenaline. We feel bad and triggered to flee or fight with too much closeness and we feel energized by trying frantically to avoid abandonment and keep people close. That isn't NORMAL. That requires TREATMENT. Not PILLS, treatment.

 

Ironically a lot of the CBT/DBT magic is the slowing of the "fight or flight" response to help BPD folk examine the situation more slowly and see the ANTs (automatic negative thinking) that comes up. It also reaches coping with past trauma. It includes figuring out WHEN you are in distress and recognizing how to SLOW the train down before it crashes.

 

But why tell you? You've made up your own answers. From church-goer to medical expert. "You BPDs are just being petty, entitled, brats."

 

Entitled to what exactly? A nice normal-functioning brain free from DEBILITATING trauma? I hope so. Because I entitled myself to treatment. Pill-free thank you very much.

 

But now, with the onset of my 30s, finding out I have legitimate, verifiable ADD has lead to a mild dose of Dexedrine to concentrate during the day as a temporary measure until nutritional treatment eclipses the effectiveness of the "magic pills." I promise, promise it's responsible and not just to make me feel better about not finding my car keys in the morning. It helps me remember where to put them at the end of the night.

 

Yes the anti-depressant SSRIs mess with your brain. So does cocaine and alcohol. They mess with your brain. But to think that they are some magic supplement for what was always missing in your constitution......you have lost the plot really at this point.

 

Actually, you've lost it. And here's why....

SSRIs are SPECIFICALLY NOT RECOMMENDED for BPD sufferers. Even in time of great depression. Too many BPDs randomly use substances to dull pain (I used food, I didn't use drugs or alcohol AT ALL). Any imbibing of alcohol could easily send a BPD person to emergency.

 

But there is an even GREATER reason. SSRIs are not recommended for people with suicidal ideation AT ALL. They give you the energy to actually commit suicide, whereas most depressive episodes are so draining in and of themselves that most attempts fail (or quite frankly the attempt itself pulls the person away from the pain because they inflict so much trauma on their body they can't sit around thinking about why they wanted to die in the first place).

 

Part of being BPD IS suicide ideation and attempts. Impulsive one's at that. SSRIs are specifically NOT chosen for BPD people. Even to this day I wouldn't take one, even if I were depressed. And I haven't qualified as BPD for many years. Perhaps before making a largely judgmental sweeping statement about a disorder and it's treatment, maybe try READING something about the basics of it.

 

Reminds me of that talk-show host in the states saying Autistic kids were "just a bunch of spoiled brats." Please. It's neurological. Completely spectral and often genetically predisposed. It isn't some great swath of parents giving too many toys to a kid and they bang their head. Good grief, my brother used to ignore his toys and play with pop cans because they made a tapping sound he liked. For hours, compulsively. That isn't a sign of a NORMAL brain.

 

Too many people today dont want to grow up. They want a boss, they want a Nanny Government, they want to remain as children. Yes childhood is fun - Time to accept THAT. It is over! Grow up!

 

Grow up and realize that not everyone was blessed with a functional environment or a tip-top prefrontal cortex. That there were people who were ill and disabled in different ways back in Christ's time and that he had compassion for them. Being a Christian is no excuse for ignorance and it bothers me when people hide behind our faith to make judgments about topics that don't understand. (you showed that you clearly don't understand it when mentioning the "treatments."

 

You know what I wanted? Not a boss, not a "Nanny Government" (you must be American, that is such a strange line if thinking otherwise). I wanted to be able to function like my friends did. I wanted not to feel completely flooded with physical and emotional pain that is completely off the charts to what normal, average people experience. It is almost unarticulateable. You are too busy judging those like me to hear it, so I hope that others who read this can see the point I am trying to make.

 

I also wanted to be able to build my own life. Not start to get the foundations in and then not be able to cope to the point where the waves from life washed everything away.

 

To be perfectly blunt, some years after treatment, I went through circumstances that would break the average person. No doubt in my mind.

 

I didn't break. I came through resilient because when I was younger, having a brain that would "flood" to the point where I was trying to attempt suicide to dull the pain was much more painful than the actual Hellish circumstances I was actually in.

 

Having an unbalanced brain during great circumstances was more painful than having a balanced brain at the worst of times!

 

Another reason I know God led me here. I would be strong enough to face the storms, knowing I would get through them.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez, I got the quotey thing wrong in some spots. Looks like I need to talk to my doctor, boss and government about Magic Pills.

 

I can just see the fable that could come out of this:

 

Jack and the Pharmacist

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like what my ex wife would do. She would do her best to drive me away by making my life miserable, violent and chaotic...but any time I would walk away or leave shed blame me for abandoning her when she needed me most. A man, no matter how strong, can only handle so much of this before he breaks.

 

I've used that exact line.

 

I wasn't violent with men though.

 

There was an incidence between my husband and I years ago but that had to do with me catching him cheating. (right in the act) Completely circumstantial. I wouldn't react the same way again. I don't think many people would actually know how they would react.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

The DSM-IV and DMS-V, the whole industry, is a total scam and sham.

 

Accepting you have BPD is the beginning of simply not facing life and becoming an adult.

Life can be challenging and it takes restraint and faith to maintain your character wisely. This is why people go to church every week, to reflect and stay wise in their decisions.

 

BPD is about identifying that you have been reacting badly to situations - usually adverse situations trigger it but also successes and fortuitous situations can trigger it.

 

Start taking a magic pill and think it is going to change the problems in your life then think again. The pills will change how you feel not how you behave with how you are feeling.

 

People can act badly when they are happy - inconsiderate, arrogant, boastful, risk-taking.

 

People can act badly when they are sad - blame, tantrums.....

 

Its about being an adult. Admit that and then your life will begin.

Its about taking responsibility for YOURSELF in this jungle. Once you are taking responsibility for YOURSELF then you are cognizant always that you will be needing to take responsibility for any and every of your ACTIONS.

By accepting that you have BPD and taking a magic pill you are not taking responsibility for YOURSELF.

 

Yes the anti-depressant SSRIs mess with your brain. So does cocaine and alcohol. They mess with your brain. But to think that they are some magic supplement for what was always missing in your constitution......you have lost the plot really at this point.

 

Too many people today dont want to grow up. They want a boss, they want a Nanny Government, they want to remain as children. Yes childhood is fun - Time to accept THAT. It is over! Grow up!

 

If you haven't already go back and read my posts. I am taking responsibility for my actions. I also take 2 magic pills. MY electro-chemistry has only begun to return to normal in the last few days. As a result I have been FAR less miserable. Ask my wife how this is working out for her. She will tell you it's night and day. Since I do not have a constant feeling of just, well misery, I treat her BETTER. I have made her coffee and brought it too her. I voluntarily changed all the poopy diapers. Took care of her and the kids this weekend, they were sick. All while managing to keep an eye out for a repeat intruder that the police will do nothing about. I have not yelled at anyone, nor even felt malice. Why? Probably because, (if my observations are correct), I have about 40% of my mental capacity freed up. I mentioned before that I believe emotions can be expressed as joules.

 

If I am right, and odds are I am. Then I will one day be able to give you a quantifiable reading of the intensity of the emotions felt in a BPDers brain versus that of your own. When I do that, you and your, most likely very religious buddies will be forced to own this simple fact.

 

I believe in a God who believes in me. Yes he will not test us beyond our limits, HOWEVER, he expects us to do for ourselves what we can. If God challenges you to move a boulder, does he mean that tools are off limits. Do you fail because you could not move it without a tool? These "magic pills" if used properly are TOOLS. If I want to move a boulder, guess what? I find a LEVER and FULCRUM. At any rate, when I need to balance my brain chemistry I use also use tools, an SSRI and antidepressant I have presented you with perfect common sense in this argument.

 

I love God, if it were not for him I would be dead now. There is absolutely no question. I brought so much hell upon myself, but not once did he let me die. The best Christmas I ever had was in prison. I was not using God as a coping mechanism either. In fact, I wasn't really interested, until Christmas. I did not dare cry, but I wanted too. It occurred to me for some reason that this was still the day Jesus was born. Remembering that reminded me that he was real and I felt his spirit and I felt safe.

 

Remember that line in the Bible where it says that it is "The duty of the strong to carry the infirmities of the weak"? I believe in that, and the Bible as a whole. Not cherry picked versus to suite my means. I mean in it's entirety. Not one single time does it contradict itself. People love to point out in the old testament that God was cruel. Well think about it, we hurt him first. How would you like it if most of your children, whom you suffered for, grew up and spit in your face? He gave us mercy. He saw that we just couldn't do it. God is just however and must follow the rules of the system in order to be pure in order to serve as an example for us. To me it is the ultimate sense of honor! He followed his own law unto death. Someone had to pay, for you see good and evil are energies also, much too complex too understand currently however. There must be balance, he gave it to us. He saw us fail again and again on our own. Did he cast us to the wind? Did he toss us on our arses to simply straighten up and fly right? Or did he give us a "magic pill" in the form of Jesus christ, the holy of holys, flesh aspect of the Trinity, a third of God himself. Do you even understand the Trinity. Do you realize that in the beginning, when God sat with himself and discussed among the aspects, (Mind or God the Father, Sprirt or God the holy ghost, and body Jesus) he knew what would happen when he gave us free will. I believe the conversation may have gone something like this.

 

"God said, I wish to be loved freely, for I am lonely and the angels love as they are made too, but I long for the chosen love of an equal". Then Jesus said, You know if you do that they will choose the wrong way"? I believe God knew that and knew that we would have to learn first of our inability to love unconditionally, thus the birthing pains of humanity in the old testament. I believe he explained it to the other two aspects. I believe then that Jesus said something like this. "Father if you are willing to strive with them, then I will go and die for them" The holy ghost then said "If you will strive with them and you will die for them, then I am willing to go down to them and dwell with them, to be a constant comforter and helpmate". The decision was made and us, a sort of God larva were born.

 

I will leave it at that for now, but don't you see. I don't expect you to understand why I am the way I am. I do expect you to understand this however. Part of being a christian is being humble. Most of us have to reach that point by falling on their faces over and over again. We fall we get up, sometimes we get hurt and he helps us off the ground. Sometimes we fail apart and must be carried. It is our job to TRY to be like him. So your job is to be like him. I remind you of the first verse I quoted and give you this one also. "if you have done this unto the least of these, then you have done this unto me also" or " if you follow but one commandment let it be this, love thy neighbor as thy love thyself". Finally "of all these, the greatest is love. When GOD says love he means agape love. In other words unconditional. He knew I couldn't do it, and he knew YOU couldn't do it. IF you then failing to love a stranger and to judge him you fail in the most basic of Jesus' teachings, the above all else rule of love. I imagine you fail at this everyday... As. Do. I.

 

It is our weakness that binds us together.

 

I came from a home where my mother told me daily from since before I could speak, that I was unwanted. The reason she was stuck in Okinawa with no life. My dad beat all of us. He threw combat boots at our heads, hitting us at least sometimes, depending on how drunk he was. I watched him strangle my mother until she **** her pants. I found my friend dead because some people simply enjoyed tormenting him daily. He was a good person just tall and dorky looking, his only crime. I tried to be there to give him some help, but I could not. I have stepped in when 5 black dudes where beating the hell out of some kids just for being a rich little "white boy". I have rages, but I will also risk my life time and time again if needed. In fact my self sense of worthlessness makes it easy to give my life, it is the best way to go. I would be helping my family and saving a life. A worthless one in exchange for a least a chance of another to have a good life.

 

I have lived things that people are scared to watch. I have been beaten by twenty people for refusing to be named honkey or cracker. I was in a coma for a few weeks. My parents to this day don't even know it happened. They did not tell them and neither did I. There was no point. I should note that they sent me there for being unruly. I had broken no laws at the time. Nor had I stolen anything. I was just a basket case and my parents gave me away to the state. They are not even legally my parents anymore. Thank God, as they have no Grandparent rights to my children.

 

So do you think any of that left me with infirmities? Do you feel bad for girls who are raped and never are the same again. Well guess what buster I'm gonna tell you something only my wife knows. This is a sacrifice to honor you friend in hopes that you truly learn something about compassion. I was raped. In prison. It happened because I refused to give up the phone after only talking for about 10 seconds. I had not spoken to my family in about a year. I still loved them and do now, so I was so happy to hear my mother's voice. Then a big black dude came to the bars and told me to give him the phone. I refused, he made some racial comments and went and unplugged the phone base. When he came back demanding the phone I shattered it and told him to **** off. Later my door popped open, they had payed a guard. 5 of them. I was about 19. Before that when I was 5 a teenager made me suck his, well you know. When I was a little younger than that an older boy and girl stripped me down naked and took turns laying on me in the woods. Again when I was 10 my aunt and my cousin tried to seduce me. Do you think any of THAT left me with infirmities.

 

Well that's it I am done. Again read my posts and know that I am up for rashionale debate an-y-time. God bless you dude, I really mean that, you need it as much as I...

 

 

Ps. As mentioned beautifully above pills are for accompanying conditions. My pills are for bi-polar. In other words, just taking the bipolar issues away free up a larger sum of my available energy. I might also point out that the doctors believed I had bipolar as result of being stuck in the birth canal for 5 minutes. I was stillborn and brought back. I also had ADD as a child. The real kind where I couldn't focus on things I loved. Again still think I'm not trying, that I don't have infirmities? I have self control also, because I erased several lines taking stabs at you. I don't need to get sassy to make my point however.

Edited April 2, 2013 by HarmonyInDisonance

[dreamingoftigers]

I need to get sassy.

[AlexDP]

Well guess what buster I'm gonna tell you something only my wife knows. This is a sacrifice to honor you friend in hopes that you truly learn something about compassion. I was raped. In prison. It happened because I refused to give up the phone after only talking for about 10 seconds. I had not spoken to my family in about a year. I still loved them and do now, so I was so happy to hear my mother's voice. Then a big black dude came to the bars and told me to give him the phone. I refused, he made some racial comments and went and unplugged the phone base. When he came back demanding the phone I shattered it and told him to **** off. Later my door popped open, they had payed a guard. 5 of them. I was about 19. .

 

So basically you tell someone you barely know something really intimate, whilst he has no way of checking if this is the truth. Talk about boundaries.

 

Do you see what you're doing here?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Sounds like what my ex wife would do. She would do her best to drive me away by making my life miserable, violent and chaotic...but any time I would walk away or leave shed blame me for abandoning her when she needed me most. A man, no matter how strong, can only handle so much of this before he breaks.

 

I understand this. I have actually begged my wife to leave me. I have dashed through the woods on foot and made my way to town. Every time she tracked me down. Every time I was so happy to see her, my children. And every time I cried all the while, knowing I was doing the next best thing I could. I had no plans to go off and "be happy" either. No plans of drugs or drunken sex, no thoughts of starting a new life, or even recovering. I had the same thing in mind every time. Leave them. Make them think I just disappeared. Then die, hopefully in such a way that my body is not found. That way they don't have to bear the burden of my suicide.

 

At times things are so good. We have the most minor disagreement and I freak out. Why, because I understand this limit, I live in fear of it. At any slight I just KNOW I have gone too far, that surely after all that has happened this is finally it. So I move to strike first. Then later I either beat or cut myself. I can show pictures of that too. Like I said before I don't have pretty little razor scars. Mine are from butcher knives, butterfly knives, a mallet once, or cooking pots. I once beat my head into a telephone booth until I blacked out.

 

I think many of us know.

 

I will also say this, try to love your BDPer, but do not start a relationship with one either. I'm sorry, but before treatment we are simply not ready! I hate it I truly do; I feel it is my duty to campaign against myself on this. Why? To spare others pain.

 

I will also say I don't see BPD so much as a disorder, but the result of a sick twisted carnival of a raising. I have to be re-raised by another adult. The methods are different, but the goal is the same. To learn how to cope, self comfort, and learn to regulate our emotions so as not to let our judgement be affected by errant hormonal messengers.

 

I am still loving this thread. Fascinating, simply fascinating.

[Emilia]

I understand this. I have actually begged my wife to leave me. I have dashed through the woods on foot and made my way to town. Every time she tracked me down. Every time I was so happy to see her, my children. And every time I cried all the while, knowing I was doing the next best thing I could. I had no plans to go off and "be happy" either. No plans of drugs or drunken sex, no thoughts of starting a new life, or even recovering. I had the same thing in mind every time. Leave them. Make them think I just disappeared. Then die, hopefully in such a way that my body is not found. That way they don't have to bear the burden of my suicide.

 

 

So how does she make you stay? Or do you think you will leave again?

[Emilia]

I need to get sassy.

 

I am sassy

[M30USA]

I've used that exact line.

 

I wasn't violent with men though.

 

There was an incidence between my husband and I years ago but that had to do with me catching him cheating. (right in the act) Completely circumstantial. I wouldn't react the same way again. I don't think many people would actually know how they would react.

 

As I've said before, I still would be with my ex wife today if I felt I could handle it. I still love her and always will. But unfortunately love isn't enough. I hate to say that. But I would wind up deeply troubled and in bad shape if I stayed. And therefore it would be worse for my kids.

[AlexDP]

So how does she make you stay? Or do you think you will leave again?

 

Don't do what I think you want to do..

[AlexDP]

As I've said before, I still would be with my ex wife today if I felt I could handle it. I still love her and always will. But unfortunately love isn't enough. I hate to say that. But I would wind up deeply troubled and in bad shape if I stayed. And therefore it would be worse for my kids.

 

You would still be with her if you were weaker.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

So basically you tell someone you barely know something really intimate, whilst he has no way of checking if this is the truth. Talk about boundaries.

 

Do you see what you're doing here?

 

Of course I cannot prove it, but do I sound like an idiot to you? I kind of knew that going in. I am simply trying to help someone understand. BTW did you just disregard the rest of it completely. You know what that's enough. You are in this to win. Not to learn, not to make reasonable arguments. You mentioned that child soldiers go on to live perfectly normal lives right? How do you suppose that happened you blithering dolt? TREATMENT. Another thing, you asked for it buddy. I cannot prove the rape, but I can show you some pictures of what I have done to myself the blood stains all OF IT. Do it, call me on my supposed ****. I DARE you. Just ask and I'll show it all to you. Your a lawyer you know how this works

I prove what I can to help give me credibility.

 

Go ahead and ask. Please ask me to post the pics.

 

BTW I don't usually say this sort of thing, but compared to me you have the intelligence of an insect. I however have tried to be reasonable, to have an adult discussion, but you entertain NO possibility that you may be wrong or unable to comprehend. I am guessing it is the latter. PEople fear what they cannot understand, one reason being that it insults their sense of worth due to lack of innate capacity to grasp something that another sees easily. So you protect your ego. You are a lawyer however and you are probably good at it. You are designed to win and I am designed to seek truth. Also you sir are an idiot.

 

Downtown, how can I go about verifying my current IQ without spending any money? Cause now I'm pissed and feel the need to justify my claims.

 

 

Again I dare you to ask for pics. I will put them here or somewhere else if I have to. I'll take some new pics today so the time stamp matches current time. I don't have time to photoshop anything that fast, nor could I see into the future before to have one ready, so there ya go you want some proof I have it, just say the word, lawyer man.

[Emilia]

Don't do what I think you want to do..

 

you owe me a fiver. I made a bet that someone would post this and had a notion that it would be you.

 

I'm simply curious

[HarmonyInDisonance]

So basically you tell someone you barely know something really intimate, whilst he has no way of checking if this is the truth. Talk about boundaries.

 

Do you see what you're doing here?

 

Also, I am here to grow. Yes it is somewhat strange to say these things, to normal people with normal lives, it probably even sounds utterly nuts. I say these things because no one here knows me and cannot know me. I am safe. In this safety I learn. I learn how others perceive me. In doing so I learn zero data, ie what is normal. In doing this I can develop a compass for myself based off the mean average of responses perceived as normal.

 

I am here to learn from you Alex and everyone else. From you I have learned that some people are just going to be right, not even entertaining the thought that they could be mistaken. I once set out to disprove the existence of God with science. I found things I did not expect and was NOT forced to see the truth. I chose to. The existence of God challenged everything for me. It led me to begin this journey to better myself.

 

I will look for a place to post pics, perhaps start a facebook account or something.

 

I close by saying this. I am going to chill out. Alex you are entitled to your opinion and hell who knows maybe I am wrong, but I will always be trying to get it right. By hurting, learning, and listening to the wisdom of others. I also get your accusasions of manipulation. I can see your point. You are actually rather talented at chasing down motive as the one you provided for my telling these stories is viable and probable based on what you have experienced.

 

Go in peace dude.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

So how does she make you stay? Or do you think you will leave again?

 

I hope I do not, but I must face the reality that I am weak. She makes me stay by confusing the hell out of me honestly.

 

She displays something I cannot comprehend, an unusual condition for me.

 

She loves, I don't know how, but she loves. She says it is not her, but her father that loves through her when she cannot. My wife is a mystic in many ways, but bright and so ever sensible. She holds me and tells me she knows, that she hates me and loves me. She even tells me it helps her understand the duality of it all for me....

 

God led me on the path to change, but my wife led me on the path to God. She understands agape love. I don't know if I ever will, but I will continue to strive to be worthy of her. Or I will die trying.

[Emilia]

I hope I do not, but I must face the reality that I am weak. She makes me stay by confusing the hell out of me honestly.

 

She displays something I cannot comprehend, an unusual condition for me.

 

She loves, I don't know how, but she loves. She says it is not her, but her father that loves through her when she cannot. My wife is a mystic in many ways, but bright and so ever sensible. She holds me and tells me she knows, that she hates me and loves me. She even tells me it helps her understand the duality of it all for me....

 

God led me on the path to change, but my wife led me on the path to God. She understands agape love. I don't know if I ever will, but I will continue to strive to be worthy of her. Or I will die trying.

 

Very interesting. The fact she has tracked you down several times is really something. That must do something for you, to stop you running. I find it very interesting that you can't comprehend it

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Very interesting. The fact she has tracked you down several times is really something. That must do something for you, to stop you running. I find it very interesting that you can't comprehend it

 

I guess it's just too much. My life before her was about one thing, survival. What she does is so contrary to this instinct that it boggles my mind. I just don't know how she maintains it. I understand it is with God's help, but to be helped by God you must remain by his side, something I fail at terribly.

 

BTW, I already started the facebook account. I am going to take the pictures and post them immediately.

 

I guess part of me just can't handle being called a liar, even if it is just text in a forum.

[Emilia]

I guess part of me just can't handle being called a liar, even if it is just text in a forum.

 

Maybe one of the first steps is to know when just to walk away

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Maybe one of the first steps is to know when just to walk away

 

Too late account created, pics are taken and posted.

 

Account name is peppy lepeu.

 

Search it and check the only album there.

 

It is highly unlikely that I could fake these.

 

The dog that is still alive is Snoofy, Freckles, brother.

 

The two computers you see were built by me with school money from my time in college. UNIT-1 is my baby, a mini cluster, she's a beauty ain't she.

 

I spent my school money decidedly unwisely. I have my own super computer though with about 20 logical cores all together. About 30 gig on memory, SSDs in RAID 0, About 8TFLOPS of computational power in GPUs alone, of which I have 4 in cluster. It's about 5 years old and still runs every system crusher on the market at max EVERYTHING.

 

Like I said my baby.

[dreamingoftigers]

As I've said before, I still would be with my ex wife today if I felt I could handle it. I still love her and always will. But unfortunately love isn't enough. I hate to say that. But I would wind up deeply troubled and in bad shape if I stayed. And therefore it would be worse for my kids.

 

M30USA,

 

Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street, not a one-way corridor to facing bashing, violence, anxiety and emotional scars.

 

I stayed in my marriage with my husband, which was very tumultuous, because I gambled on his issues being temporary and that he would hit the wall eventually. He did. It was at great cost. I'm glad our daughter was young. I wasn't going to tolerate it to where her hippocampus (hippocampae,

whatever) was forming (between 3 and 4 because then her youngest memories would involve this.

 

I also knew that on his state that he couldn't see my pain, his was in pure

addiction/narcissism and couldn't see past trying to survive until the next escape. I knew that emotionally and psychogically that he couldnt see two feet in front of him. It was going to be all about him for awhile.

 

I knew it because I had been there as an "active" BPDr. I remember feeling no

control and feeling torpedoed by the rest of the world. And shamed. Etc. I knew where he was perceptually. It allowed me some freedom to carry on. I KNEW it wasn't about me (mostly) it was about him having his childhood issues (which I had been unaware of) eating him alive.

 

Without treatment, your wife would ALWAYS have had it all about her. You and me both know that she wasn't going to own up to anything and her parents enabled that.

 

In my case, the wake-up that SOMETHING was up that really wasn't EVERYONE else's fault was being hospitalized 3 times in one year. Now, I dud know that "something was wrong with me." I thought it was that I was being too generous and that things werent cooperating with me. But I did know that when I broke right down that something was wrong with ME. the hospitalizations finally underlined it for me and the diagnosis really resonated with me.

 

Your wife has been to jail. She still hasn't apologized. You know intellectually that that is on her, not you. You also know intellectually that however strong you were wouldn't have "saved" her. Your children would have seen you try to "deal with" and "manage" your wife. That is a sad and terrible thing to role model. You know it intellectually.

 

That end of feelings, that looking back is guilt that you couldn't.

 

But you weren't supposed to. You could have stronger than Atlas, it would NEVER had been enough. Her situation wasn't temporary. She went to JAIL and lost a MARRIAGE, she still hasn't sought treatment or made an apology.

 

"it's your fault" is her signature line.

 

That isn't a marriage, that isn't a relationship that you show your kids. That's one where you are 100% justified in leaving. It's crazy-making.

 

If the choice comes down to your sanity or your marriage, the choice is obvious. Especially because your children need one stable parent, even if you aren't that primary. Children need to have security somewhere.

 

(although I wonder a little about the UFOs and demon possession you liberally assign sometimes, but still, compared to your wife smacking you with a 2x4, you are still the better choice)

[M30USA]

If in the split second I catching them I was 100% sure the guy knew that she had a husband then even if I didnt know him I would beat his head in so bad he would have to call the ambulance. And I wouldnt call it for him. I would throw him over the back fence.

 

That's what my ex wife said. She told me she felt like beating the crap out of a girl I knew in high school (10+ years ago) who I never even so much as kissed or even dated--and I haven't even spoken to this girl since high school either. I simply mentioned that she was my prom date from that time. I think people who feel urges like the post above are often disconnected from reality and it reflects more in the person feeling it than it does on actual events.

Edited April 2, 2013 by M30USA

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I guess 10-20 years ago all the poor suicidal ideation patients coming in and being subscribed strong anti-depressants were all the gunea-pigs to show the sham psychiatry industry who just using them as such to change their idea about treating depressed/confused people with psychotropic drugs?

 

Did you know that since psychotropic drugs were introduced into the treatment of schizophrenia that suicide rates have gone up 10 times? Yes, in the 1950s they started using psychotropics and suicide rates have gone up 10 times with people suffering schizophrenia.

 

Bipolar Disorder as they call it is related.

 

And here you are pretending there was no endemic histroy of suicidally depressed people being immediately treated with strong doses of anti-depressants.

If they over reacted to the medication and became extremely happy and positive then they were accused of being Bipolar.

"Normal people don't feel happy from anti-depressants. They simply stop feeling depressed"

What a load of snake-oil science.

 

The Marketing of Madness- The Truth About Psychotropic Drugs

The Marketing of Madness: The Truth About Psychotropic Drugs (Part 1/2) - YouTube

 

You mention also in your post that I can not discount all the scientists involved in this science? Its not science. Its industry. I am qualified degreed scientist. I know what science is. Psychiatry is not science. Its Quackery and neuroscience getting to use real humans in the population as lab rats to learn more about the brain.

 

This is the intellectual snobbery that balks at the very name of science. Science is about truth. Historically all sorts of impossible things have happened. They happen to this day. It's called progress. You sound like someone who believes neutrinos don't exist simply because we cannot interact with them. You know what those are right, Mr.Scientist? Those nifty sub-atomic particles that cannot exist below light speed, remember.

 

You sound like the kind of person who would have argued with Einstein back in his day, simply because his theories challenged your views.

 

Science is putting your views aside.

 

"Man should look for that which is, not that which he wishes to be"

 

I'm not gonna bother citing that one, if your a scientist you know full well who I mean.

 

Also what is unscientific about empirical process?

 

So then DBT is garbage despite proof because it deals with something that challenges your world view.

 

And neutrinos can't exist because we cannot interact with them.

 

The idea that psychology or it's medically founded counterpart are pseudo science is utterly close minded. You do realize that emotions, thoughts, ideas, all are generated results of electro-chemistry. PHYSICAL catalyst. I have to go, my inlaws dog has now been stabbed and I need to photograpgh the remains. To heck with my grammar today I'm lacking the time.

 

Open yourself up to the idea of being wrong and get the hell out of the politics of science. Discover the true beauty of the system.

[dreamingoftigers]

:facepalm:

 

Reading comprehension is your friend.

 

I didn't say that there was "no history" of it ever being prescribed.

 

I said it is NOT prescribed, as in CURRENTLY because there is EVIDENCE of it increasing the follow-through of suicidal behaviours.

 

Of course SSRIs are dangerous.

 

There is heightened risk among those with suicidal ideations. Hence, they are NOT prescribed to BPDrs in general unless they are treating a co-morbid condition that requires SSRIs (in general) as a last resort.

 

And personally, generally as a rule, I think the pharmaceutical industry is dangerous, harmful, secretive, and throws out a lot of unsafe and untested products to make a quick profit. For-profit medicine is in general a dangerous thing.

 

It is more credible than charms and potions, but not by much.

 

The only pharma I have taken in the last ten years was 1.) gas to knock me out for surgery. I didn't even take the painkillers afterward. 2) after three days of labour, a narcotic for the pain, laughing gas, and ephedrine boost to restore my blood pressure after the laughing gas caused it to plummet, an epidural. An anti biotic for the infection caused by being partially opened for three days in childbirth. 3) an antibiotic this winter after having 5 recurring sinus infections in six months. In the last few weeks I have discovered that dairy causes me to get inflamed for about 48 hours in my digestive Tracy and nasal cavity. No dairy, no sinus problems. 4) the current medication I am on now for concentration while I take a probiotic and eat a healthier, more vegetable-based diet to eventually eliminate the need for the prescription.

 

That's it. I don't do painkillers for headaches etc etc any cold medication etc etc because all of these things have a net effect on digestion, the liver and therefore the brain. I don't like to pollute my brain.

 

Coincidentally, CURRENT treatment for BPD does not include polluting the brain either.

 

I am not saying the historically from the time of Adam, the BPD people haven't been subjected to witchcraft, charms, potions, being locked away, musical theatre, SSRIs or what have you. I am sure at some point a BPD person was treated with leeches.

 

Jeez.

 

I guess 10-20 years ago all the poor suicidal ideation patients coming in and being subscribed strong anti-depressants were all the gunea-pigs to show the sham psychiatry industry who just using them as such to change their idea about treating depressed/confused people with psychotropic drugs?

 

Did you know that since psychotropic drugs were introduced into the treatment of schizophrenia that suicide rates have gone up 10 times? Yes, in the 1950s they started using psychotropics and suicide rates have gone up 10 times with people suffering schizophrenia.

 

Bipolar Disorder as they call it is related.

 

And here you are pretending there was no endemic histroy of suicidally depressed people being immediately treated with strong doses of anti-depressants.

If they over reacted to the medication and became extremely happy and positive then they were accused of being Bipolar.

"Normal people don't feel happy from anti-depressants. They simply stop feeling depressed"

What a load of snake-oil science.

 

The Marketing of Madness- The Truth About Psychotropic Drugs

The Marketing of Madness: The Truth About Psychotropic Drugs (Part 1/2) - YouTube

 

You mention also in your post that I can not discount all the scientists involved in this science? Its not science. Its industry. I am qualified degreed scientist. I know what science is. Psychiatry is not science. Its Quackery and neuroscience getting to use real humans in the population as lab rats to learn more about the brain.

[AlexDP]

Of course I cannot prove it, but do I sound like an idiot to you? I kind of knew that going in. I am simply trying to help someone understand. BTW did you just disregard the rest of it completely. You know what that's enough. You are in this to win. Not to learn, not to make reasonable arguments. You mentioned that child soldiers go on to live perfectly normal lives right? How do you suppose that happened you blithering dolt? TREATMENT. Another thing, you asked for it buddy. I cannot prove the rape, but I can show you some pictures of what I have done to myself the blood stains all OF IT. Do it, call me on my supposed ****. I DARE you. Just ask and I'll show it all to you. Your a lawyer you know how this works

I prove what I can to help give me credibility.

 

Go ahead and ask. Please ask me to post the pics.

 

BTW I don't usually say this sort of thing, but compared to me you have the intelligence of an insect. I however have tried to be reasonable, to have an adult discussion, but you entertain NO possibility that you may be wrong or unable to comprehend. I am guessing it is the latter. PEople fear what they cannot understand, one reason being that it insults their sense of worth due to lack of innate capacity to grasp something that another sees easily. So you protect your ego. You are a lawyer however and you are probably good at it. You are designed to win and I am designed to seek truth. Also you sir are an idiot.

 

Downtown, how can I go about verifying my current IQ without spending any money? Cause now I'm pissed and feel the need to justify my claims.

 

 

Again I dare you to ask for pics. I will put them here or somewhere else if I have to. I'll take some new pics today so the time stamp matches current time. I don't have time to photoshop anything that fast, nor could I see into the future before to have one ready, so there ya go you want some proof I have it, just say the word, lawyer man.

 

Pics of what? Pics of what you have done to yourself? Pics of what you have done to yourself show exactly that: what you have done.

 

You post one incredible "fact" after another in this thread and expect everyone to believe it. Which is unlikely in the first place, because you admit to having BPD.

 

I also love how you're completely twisting this discussion. I post two sentences and you go berserk, yet you're the reasonable man here. No. Don't do this thing you have to do. Just don't. And if you do, don't expect it to work with me. I am immune to this kind of nonsense.